I Feel Like I Just Can't Do This Anymore

I've tried so hard not to let the T win but it really really has. It doesn't matter what progress I've made I just keep going back to square one. Now not only do I have anxiety I have severe depression. It's to the point where happy things and things that normally look beautiful to me just make me feel sad. I went on a short vacation yesterday and I had a whole hour where I didn't talk and I was just unbearably sad. It was too the point where seeing people laughing and living normal lives just made me sad and looking at all the beautiful craftwork and seashells on the pier just made me want to cry. Going to church makes me anxious because the music made me want to run out of the room and all this stuff about hope and love just makes me want to cry. My mother is frustrated with me and thinks I'm not worth anything anymore. She told me I was fine and fully functional and she can't believe I let this 'little' thing in my ears ruin my entire person. And it's not like I'm not trying. I've tried hard since day one not to let it win I really really did But it won anyway. The T has completely taken my sanity from me and my relationship with my mother and my love of music that has fueled me for years. It's taken every last part of me that was happy and good and I don't know if living is even worth it anymore. I used to have good days but I don't have even that anymore. I only have good minutes now. It sucks to know that I've tried really hard not to let T affect me this way but in the end it has and I want to say it isn't my fault but I know it's my fault I have the T in the first place. I really don't think I can do this anymore because I can't afford to lose anything else.

 

You can do it and you will. Know why? Because you don't have a choice.

You have good minutes? That's fabulous. I know, it doesn't seem that way but that's how getting better starts. Second by second, minute by minute.

I'm coming up to my first year anniversary with T. F*cking sucks! but no where near as much as it sucked at the beginning. I'm not nearly habituated - far from it - but it does get easier to deal with, and easier to cope.

I have those feelings you do, sad for myself, looking at others and thinking that they don't know how good they have it. But in reality, there are still good things in my life. And if you start to hear and dwell on your T you have to change what you are doing and ignore it.

And get on here and read the success stories - they always perk me up

 

Sorry your feeling so bad, you talked about entering some CBT a while back, im curious as to what happened there.If you feel your not making progress or getting worse it might be time to start thinking about some sort of treatment to help facilitate habituation. If you dont mind me asking what have you tried in order to get over your t? Again sorry to hear this, but things can get better, hang in there.

 

Hey derpy,
You do a GREAT job of describing your response to T. That's been the way 'out' for me. I learned it here on the forum. I don't keep track of my T, I keep track of my responses to it. When it bugs me, I tell myself how I feel about it. What does this do? It gets the T out of the way.
Part 2. I have to adjust things in my life down to a lower volume level.
40 years. I've heard it all (pun intended). This works.
There's a serious undertone to your post. Should you see someone about depression?
You're a musician. You make people happy. You deserve to be happy.

 

@derpytia I can understand the frustration you are going through. It is depressing and annoying. I am not fully aware of your condition, but I guess you have tried everything possible. But please don't lose hope. I have been suffering from tinnitus since 2002. Having this annoyance during the peak of my youth really cost me so much. I was termed an introvert. Little did people around me understand that I wanted to take part in their conversations; I just couldn't hear them. Don't expect others to understand the trouble you are going through. They cannot imagine how it is to keep hearing something constantly. It is not their fault really.
Be positive and optimistic. Things will get better. Like someone above mentioned, learn to ignore your T. It will stop bothering you then.

 

When you first began to post here, I recall describing some of the options you could look into during the early stages of tinnitus (the so-called window of opportunity). I am certain that I mentioned the AM101 clinical trial. The results are not as good as I had hoped for, but I would still consider and revisit that option, if I were you.

Remember...

"If you do what you always did you will get what you always got".
--Albert Einstein, Physicist

So you need to introduce a new variable into your situation which will (hopefully) alter it. If you don't experiment, then things will stay as they always were. That's how I look at the world.

At a certain point, it came to my attention - through offline contacts - that Dr. Michael D. Seidman was opting for a new round of AM101 clinical trials in the United States (this was back in May, this year). It also came to my attention that he would be willing to perform the procedure outside of the clinical trial (= pre-market release) provided Auris Medical would be willing to release the drug (and provided the patient pays for the procedure). So why not give him a call already today - and see what he has to say?

 

Actually, you haven't lost anything (it's not really a battle actually, far from it). If you think you've lost something, it's right there for you to take back.
Start with little things. Indulge yourself eating foods you like even if you're not really hungry.
Make sure you do things that amuse or entertain you for at least 10 minutes every day, even if you're feeling like crap. Take naps, buy yourself gifts, drive around, walk around. Get an antidepressant if you must, some of that stuff really works.
If you need to cry, then cry your eyes out. Even that will make you feel a little better afterwards.
Constantly give small, meaningful rewards to yourself. It's all chemistry, your brain will like it, eventually it does get a hell of a lot better.

 

Sorry your having a bad time with this T ,there's not one of us who've not felt like you are this very second,been in days your having ,and hating the hell out of it.Days of high and low,but you will get through those days,I promise.
Find out in your area through ATA if there's a group you can join,through ATA,talk to maybe someone your own age one one one,face to face,who like you are really struggling with their T.this can be one of the worst isolating conditions to have but you can change that.Theres got to be more where you live,just got to look at this site,it crosses all ages,so pick up that phone and call,you may surprise yourself with who you may find .dont put it off just do it.
Think your mum doesn't know what to do for you,so give her some slack,no mum wants there child hurting,I can vouch for that.Ask your mum to listen,to what you do,there's plenty to get up,either from this site or off You tube.
That's what I'd do,sit down quiet with her,and play it. But make that ATA call today,they will help.XX

 

Most of us felt the same way... I know I did...... but believe me.... it will get better. Cry if you must cry....be angry if you must ....you got to let your feelings go....but at the end you have to get your feet back on the ground and move forward. We are all on the same boat here...... so we give as much support as we can.... and talk with the people you love so they understand what you are going through

 

Setbacks is a part of the game. I had my biggest one after 3 months when i thought i was at least partly habituated. All because i read som threads that were filled with anxiety. Guess that i am weak but my advice is to stop your T-surfing totally. I Think you already have educated yourself enough about all Ts different faces.

When surfing around regarding T i always get the feeling that you SHOULD have anxiety when having T. This is not the case. Even days when i felt fine i was badly affected by reading about some poor souls mourning over their T.

 

Believe me ...sometimes I wake up in the morning feeling as if my stomach is turned up side down and I just do not know why.... than I get up and think... f$ck this sh1t .... because in the back of my mind I do know why.... but I will not let it get to me... the moment you do that your whole day is ruined. You have to pick yourself up and move forward....because nobody else can do it for you.... but you can get your energy from people who understand you

 

We all understand how you feel and we are here for each other. We have to believe that one day we will get better. Anxiety, stress, lack of sleep, poor nutrition really do seem to make T worse. The last few days I have had something else on my mind very strongly and my T was virtually non-existent in the day time (could hear it at night as usual) for four days, and I almost felt 'normal' again. Yesterday my focus seemed to shift back to T, plus I hadn't slept well for four nights and it sounded really loud and bothered me all day. Today my focus on it isn't as strong and it seems quieter.

I know so many people who have T, friends, family, friends of etc, who do not get anxious about it and it never seems to get severe for them and mostly they don't hear it, I on the other hand get obsessed with things. This seems to correlate with TRT and the lack of reaction - which then hopefully leads to not perceiving (hearing) T in the conscious mind.

I suppose the trick is getting ourselves back into a holistically, calm and healthy state and hopefully shoving T back into the subconscious so it is not heard. Of course it is all easier said than done, but hang on in there, we all know how you feel.

Soon I am going to a specialist private clinic and having various blood tests for endocrine hormone levels, as well as a full blood count, thyroid function tests, liver function, cholesterol and so on, as I want to know my status regarding these things to see if anything is out of balance. Apparently progesterone (the female hormone, also in lesser quantities present in males) is linked to GABA (helps balance excitation /inhibition), and this is one of the many hormones etc linked to brain function and possibly tinnitus.

Don't blame yourself for having T Derpytia, there are many reasons why some of us hear T and others do not, even when we have been exposed to the same possible triggers. Hopefully we will find out how to cure ourselves (or with help), as many people have, and once again remember you are not alone in this.

 

Derypytia...I agree with "I Who Love Music" post...he does not track T but tracks his responses to T. I have been going to a cognitive based therapist and learning to track my moods. I am learning that when we experience pain, T, H or whatever....the average person adds a layer of emotional suffering. So....we are hit with another arrow besides the pain. When we train our brains to take the "emotional suffering" out of the equation, our T will not seem as significant. I got myself into a cycle of T, sadness/depression, anxiety...that I am trying to bust out of. I understand the church situation. I often have to sit in the children's cry room because my T can react to the sound system. I often cry much more as well just because a sad thought can be multiplied because of all the anxiety and emotion I have with the T.

Could you try to find a good cognitive based therapist in your area? Do not be afraid to "shop" around until you find one you can connect with. Also, ask if the first visit could be free to determine if there is a connection. I did, and they all were agreeable to that.

 

It would be surprising if there was not a med or procedure that manages and/or greatly reduces T by 2020.

If we can zap eyeballs with lasers to achieve 20/20 vision then the ear is not to far behind. Imo.

 

@derpytia - i'd give Potiga a shot.

 

Hey @derpytia: I do understand how overwhelming some days can feel in the beginning. My bad days still outnumbered my good ones when I was four months into tinnitus, like you are. Today, I have been living with T for one year and a little over one month -- and I am so much better, although I still have a ways to go.

It is not your "fault" that you have tinnitus, don't beat yourself up. It doesn't help. We have to accept that stuff happens to us in our lives that we can't control, and T is one of them. What we can control is how we handle what happens.

As others here have suggested: We do have options even if there isn't a cure. Start trying them and see what might help you. I guarantee you, there is something out there that will make it easier -- and you will start feeling like you have some control again, like you are getting your life back. For me, that something in the beginning was cognitive behavioral therapy, plus medication under a psychiatrist's supervision for my anxiety. I am continuing to try other things, too.

I recognize its hard to do the above when you are feeling so miserable. Getting the anxiety and depression under control is critical so you can move on. Anxiety and depression very often go hand in hand. If you are on medication or under a doctor's care for anxiety, you need to revisit your treatment with him/her if you are depressed. If you aren't under a doctor's care for these conditions, I truly hope you consider it, along with some therapy. It can be life saving. Like @I who love music said, you deserve to be happy. And you can be. Don't give up. Better days are ahead, I promise.

 

K this is kind of all over the place.
Go sit a the piano. Learn a new song. Just do it. I have gigs every week that I do to make a living and I would be going crazy if I gave up performing right now. You will see your happiness again. I too have depression and take Lexapro for it. Although I'm not crazy about it, it helps. It will never be "the same" but you will start to feel normal again. Trust me. And I would look into AM-101 or Trobolt/Potiga...Act now on both fronts. Try to habituate, but also try to act on it scientifically if you can. Talk to @attheedgeofscience, he know's what's up.

 

Derpytia
I'm so sorry you are struggling; I recall how I struggled at the beginning (total depression and anxiety); T was the ruling topic in my life, there was nothing else, and it was all I could do to look straight ahead and get through a day of work. I could not set my mind on things above, there was only earthly despair. We are definitely unwilling, and lonely, participants in this process (habituation); a very painful process (indeed) that even those who are close to you (your mom) simply can't understand -- stop expecting them to understand, it only makes things worse.

If I can take liberty and make an observation, I would say you are starting to hit that pinnacle wherein everything is coming to a resolve; don't give up now -- you've come too far and you are getting there.

To me, it felt like total defeat; like giving up (like something was dying inside). In reality, I was simply standing down (accepting it at the most base level). I so did not want to accept it; I hated it, and fought it. I hated all the secondary and tertiary effects it brought into my life (how it effected family, job, sports, et al).

Of course, you didn't ask for a ride on this roller coaster and you would give just about anything to get off (this ride); the fact is, you have come this far -- you will make it. Look to your left and look to your right and grab on to all the others on this ride with you.

Until then...prayers!

Mark

 

T is one of the hardest things I have gone through - and I am actually lucky that I can say that. There are a lot worse things out there in this world.

I would see a doctor about how you are feeling. It sounds like you feel down quite a lot of the time, and I think it would be wise to get on an anti-depressant. Once you've done that I would suggest seeing a therapist, whether it's for cognitive behaviour therapy or just normal therapy to help you cope. You sound very lost and confused.

It does get better @derpytia. I promise you. I FINALLY got to see an ENT a week ago and he went through all the checks and said everything was normal (hearing was perfect for someone my age). He said no one is exactly sure what causes T, and it could go but it might not. A few months ago that would have destroyed me, but not now. I was a little disappointed but glad that my hearing seemed fine. I will just have to wait, but I will not let my life stop me.

Take one day at a time. Every day you make it through is a victory, and remember to savour those good moments - whether they are days, hours or even seconds. And I understand that you are scared about going back to your music - I am a great lover of music too and I couldn't live without it. You have two choices: either continuing with music or not. If you take the right precautions hopefully your T will not get worse, but I can't say for certain as I'm not exactly what you do in music.

Even if you decide you don't want to do music anymore, who's to say that's the end of your happiness? I think you are about the same age as I am (22); we have a good fifty-something years left (God willing). There are a million things out there that we have never experienced. You may find something you love even MORE than music. Nothing is set in stone in life - not even tinnitus.

Please see a doctor and ask about anti-depressants and therapy, because it does like you need them. But have faith: this isn't the end of your life. My ENT told me that half the population of the world experiences T - and since this site doesn't have that many members, most people cope with it. I can't imagine you will be any different. It does take time, but trust me, it happens. Get on with your life and you won't even notice.

Let us know how you are doing.

 

Thanks guys for all your support. I think I'm cycling through the infamous Stages of Grief but instead of going all the way through it I get to the same spot and start back up all over again. I may have a good day if I take whats left of my xanax but then next day is just worse. The only time I can kind of ignore my T is at work where I have no choice, being a cashier and all. I just really do want my life back but nothing I have tried seems to work for me. Vitamins don't work. Masking only kind of works. Ignoring it only works for so long and then the moment I notice it again I spiral back down again. And the episodes of fleeing T that happen 50 times a day don't help either. I'm so scared that one day I'll just wake up with it louder for no reason.

To top it all off I'm going back to college soon and I'm expected to complete a full EP recording project by the end of winter quarter this year and I'm STILL to afraid to listen to or play music. I can't be a music major if I'm afraid of music. But I can't afford to quit because I'm in my fourth year and I've put so much time and money into all of this since high school. I feel like it's all a waste now. I know that other musicians have T and they've dealt with it but I don't know if I'm as strong as them. I've been strong through all my other trials I've had to go through since birth and I think all of that used up all my strength before T came around.

I'm sitting here in the middle of Starbucks trying not to cry right now because every day I wake up and the first thing I do is cry. And it isn't like I'm not trying, I really really am trying to be positive but it is impossible for me! I can't beat the anxiety and I can't ignore/accept the T. And I absolutely hate the healthcare system in the US; there's so much red tape and it is near impossible to get to see a therapist. And the thought of going to a therapist makes me anxious too because either they can help me or they can't. And I feel like there's a 80 percent chance they can't.

And it's too loud everywhere I go! When I drive in the car, it's too loud. When I walk around at work, it's too loud. When I sit in this coffee shop, it's too loud so I have to wear my plugs. When I sit at home, it's too loud. I feel like every single sound is just making my T worse and worse. Literally everything makes it worse. Eating (healthy eating too), sleeping, relaxing (as if), talking, singing, literally everything makes my T spike. One minute it makes me sad and anxious and then next I get angry. And if I try to talk about it to anyone I just end up crying.

I know you guys mean well (and those of you who have given me support before are probably tired of seeing me post and complain here all the time) and I appreciate all of your kind words I really do. I'm just at my wits end. For a while I thought I could get better but it turns out I can't. My relationships with people I love are ruined. My career choice is ruined, my financial future is ruined and I've been told by my doctor that with all my health problems, there's a 90% chance that I will be hard of hearing with loud tinnitus and completely blind (I'm already blind in one eye and I have glaucoma) by the time I reach age 50. If that happens, I definitely would not want to live anymore. I don't even want to live right now but I don't have a choice because there are too many expectations I have to somehow live up to. I just want some kind of help to get everything under control but I keep getting told that the only one who can help me is myself. But I've tried that already and it doesn't work. I don't have any mental or physical strength to help myself anymore, not after all these things I've been put through.

If I ever do pray anymore, it's that my curse of a life somehow ends or gets better by some miracle.

 

Hey...you should take time to gather yourself. If you do something in life, do it for you, not because of someone's expectations. I think youu eventually need to go make your EP. Trust me. It will not hurt you. You only get one shot at life. You need to live. Take out your earplugs when you can. Get a real Db Meter and look at the OSHA standards for safe sound levels. You can do it. Also exercise as much as you can. If you ever need an ear from someone in the industry just message me. We can skype or whatever.

 

Would you mind sharing a few details as to why the doctor has this opinion?

 

I had my lens in my right eye removed when I was ten days old due to a rare condition called PHPV. I used to have a little bit of blurry sight in that eye without the lens and I was going to have a possible lens transplant when I was old enough. Then they did a surgery to try and correct the positioning of the eye when I was 12 years old and it failed. It also gave me glaucoma which, while it was under control using eyedrops and lazer surgery, sapped the vision from that eye. There is a chance that I could get glaucoma in my left eye when I get older and glaucoma is known for causing vision loss. I already have astigmatism in my good eye and I wear glasses.

When I was a very young child my father put a shotgun in my hand without ear protection and had me shoot at soda cans. This caused me to get slight high-frequency hearing loss (but no tinnitus). It did affect me but not my hearing, rather my speech. I now have a slight lisp because I couldn't hear high pitches that the voice makes on consonants such as S's and T's and so I grew up pronouncing them wrong. My audiologist said that over time that high frequency hearing loss got worse especially since I am a musician and he said that because I am a musician and because the world is a noisy place, I am most likely going to be almost completely deaf by the time I'm 50, with or without earplug use because some noises just cannot be blocked out by plugs and he said the constant loss of hearing will most likely make my tinnitus louder, or give me many new tones (as if I didn't have enough tones already).

That is my eye doctor's and ear doctor's opinion and reasoning. Both gave me 10 minute lectures on this reasoning which only made me even more depressed.

 

@derpytia
Higher frequencies do get worse as we get older that does not mean that your T will get louder or you will lose all your hearing. You need to figure out how to challenge your distorted thinking, and a lot of the sounds you describe will not make your t worse. I had the same fear and have been exposed to a lot of sounds unintentionally that have not done a thing to my t. I know your having trouble getting to see someone but if you can figure it out i still would. WHen you get to the point your at you dont see things clearly, the 80% chance they will not be able to help you doesn't necessarily seem likes it based in reality. Your at a place many people were, i was as well. I know i have probably posted this before, but i will again but give it a real effort.
http://stringplayer.websitetoolbox.com/post/words-of-wisdom-2964711
This can help you to fight your distorted thoughts, which is the key to overcoming t.

If you need meds to get through what your going through i would not worry about it so much. I used a lot of xanax and still have some. If your major is giving you anxiety maybe you find another one, if its something you love which you have said you do, maybe find another way to be involved in music without the risk of noise exposure.

We are all here for you, and i hate to see someone doing so bad, but i do think you need more help then we can provide. Someone with experience in treating t would be the best option. I think its worth looking in to the trobalt thread as well, or am101. Things can get better.

 

I am so sorry to learn of your current situation. No-one can predict the future and I would include your current doctors in that. I truly think you should see a professional psychiatrist at this point and hand over 'your' care to someone who can help you. That is what I did and, if I hadn't, I would not be here today. You have struggled alone for long enough. People on this forum care deeply but what you are going through is a bit like childbirth, others have been through it but the mind and body don't remember the pain in its entirety. Time to let someone else guide you and take you forward I think. Take one moment at a time. Please do get help xx

 

I don't have much of an opinion on the eye related matters. Prior to getting tinnitus, I did develop so-called micro eye floaters myself and I also developed some kind of undiagnosed auto-immune disorder affecting my eyes (which probably was the cause of the eye floaters due to the constant inflammation). My action back then was to go see doctors who really know their stuff. The first eye doctor I saw (in Berlin) clearly was as useless as ENTs are for tinnitus. The doctor was so useless, I actually left in the middle of the consultation, drove home, and booked myself an appointment with one of the five YAG laser specialists in the world who treat eye floaters using non-invasive eye surgery. This was a good decision. And I recommend putting some effort into your problem areas in a similar fashion ie. "search the market" for options. And who's to say what procedures might be available in the next 10 years...? When I was in China for my 2nd stem cell treatment, I learnt that they are experimenting with a new type of stem cells to correct certain eye disorders. Even with my very basic IV delivered stem cells, I have gained an improvement in my eye conditions - no more auto-immune flare-ups, and the eye floaters have improved too (the main ones are still there, but all the "junk" debris is gone). My recommendation is to follow what the best researchers are looking into - here is one example of the latest clinical trials (which are free-of-charge):

www.blindness.org/blog/index.php/uci-stem-cell-pioneer-poised-to-launch-clinic-trial-for-rp-patients/#more-3342

Admittedly, the link above concerns retinal diseases, but who knows - perhaps - there is something else in the pipeline. Write the researcher a mail and you will find out...! Don't rely on your doctors for this kind of stuff; they haven't got a clue about such things.

About your hearing loss. It is clear that you got tinnitus for reasons outside of your control. Because you had some hearing loss "to begin with", you were unaware that you turned up the volume too much when using headphones - ie. if you hadn't had the hearing loss, you would have played the music at a lower (and safer) volume. Remember, the energy carried by a sound wave doubles for every 3 db. Since my various therapies, I have gained an average of about 15 db in the speech frequency range (I had "normal" hearing to begin with). And I am surprised how much of a difference such a "small" improvement has made (even though I had normal hearing, as the "experts" say...).

Keep yourself educated. The attachment is the very latest on what is happening right now in the world of otology.

 

Thanks @attheedgeofscience. That's really useful info.

 

wtf WTF ??? All people lose high frequency hearing in their lifetime, you just happened to aquire it at an early age. If you use earplugs, your hearing will not deteriorate into the lower frequencies.
Audiologists aren't docotors! They have no medical degrees whatsoever, so what qualification does he/she have to tell you that you're going to be deaf by 50 years of age.
The only professional that can give you an opinion regarding your hearing is an oto-neurologist and/or an experienced ENT.
Do you know why audiologists were invented? - to perform hearing tests and prescribe hearing aid, that's it.
Using earplugs at a Starbucks would be adviced for a person even without tinnitus! A blender runs at about 90dB and those grinders are awful on the ears. I would suggest using half earplugs in iffy situations and full earplugs in loud situations. The sooner you start using earplugs the more hearing you will preserve and all that talk about hyperacusis from overuse is bullshit - just dont wear earplugs at home and dont wear them walking in nature - that is the way God created us.

 

Relief is in our future esp in your lifetime being so young. Know this as a fact and always believe it.