Jeff K
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Nov 18, 2014
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Gender:
Male
Birthday:
Jul 2, 1958 (Age: 58)
Location:
Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada
Occupation:
Sales

Jeff K

Member, Male, 58, from Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada

On the edge of insanity Nov 18, 2014

Jeff K was last seen:
Nov 18, 2014
    1. Jeff K
      Jeff K
      On the edge of insanity
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  • About

    Gender:
    Male
    Birthday:
    Jul 2, 1958 (Age: 58)
    Location:
    Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada
    Occupation:
    Sales
    Tinnitus Since:
    01/2000
    I am a husband of nearly 25 years. Married once and still with my beloved. I have two beautiful young daughters ages 21 and 18.

    I spent a lot of my early years as a singer/guitar player. After my first daughter was born I thought it was time to be responsible. I never really found another calling that suited me and now I am 56 and struggling to make a living. Lately I am tired all of the time because of my fight with another threatening depression.

    I struggled with moderate depression for most of my life, even since early childhood, though I didn't know what it was until much later.

    I finally hit a big wall in early January, 2000, when I got a bad flu. I was off work for about two weeks and on strong antibiotics when I had my first full blown anxiety/panic attack. Clinical depression quickly developed. Nothing has ever really been the same since.

    Then the first morning getting ready to go back to my job (that I hated) I heard a hissing sound. I was sitting near the furnace in my house so I thought maybe it was a gas leak. I couldn't isolate the sound. I had to go, so I thought I'd call my wife later to let her know about the unidentified noise. When I was outside and started down the walk to the driveway I realised the sound was following me. I put my hands over my ears and was surprised to hear that the hissing was in my head!

    Sleep became a very real problem and I ultimately went through a long and very serious major depression. I ultimately wound up in the psychiatric ward because of suicidal ideation. I eventually got well again but had to look for work. My unremarkable music career was all but over although I still would hold the dream in my heart and have never completely gotten too out of practice.

    Skip ahead to the present and 3 more bouts of major depression and presently fighting against a 4th I am sitting here typing and feeling very unsure of myself. I am afraid that I will not get through it this time.

    In the last 2 years my wife had a very serious illness that involved life saving surgery. I am proud that I held up amazingly well through it all. Just when I thought I could handle most anything my mind starts to falter again. Chronic lack of sleep and the negative thought trap that can follow and I am clutching at straws trying not to fall into the pit. I am in debt and not doing well at work. I have very little joy.

    I don't know what I am going to do. Doctors just can't or won't understand the ceaseless torture I endure. I really am not afraid of death, I look forward to it, really I do. My wife has quite an amount of dilaudid left over from her latest sugery and it would be easy to finish this.

    If only I didn't love my wife and sweet daughters so much. I couldn't hurt them like that and I am ashamed for the thought.
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