Living in the Twilight Zone

You remember that episode of The Twilight Zone where the librarian lived to read books and then he found himself the last man on earth with a library of books and he accidentally breaks his glasses? That's me.

Time Enough at Last

I love peace and quite. I take vacations where it's silent except for nature. Now, I will never be able to enjoy that again.

I haven't been diagnosed with tinnitus (T) but I have a doctor's appointment today which I suspect will just lead to a referral to an audiologist.

But I'm sure I have it.

I used to believe that T was a high pitch sound or something that rock and roll bands or soldiers got from explosions or loud noises. That's not what I have. I have a low frequency rumble ALL THE TIME.

Frankly, I've had this for years (I guess) but I always thought it was the bulldozers and machines in the area. Believe it of not, I could live with that.

But a few weeks ago I was in a hotel in Vegas and heard it. "Why the hell do I hear those trucks all the way up here on the 11th floor?" Hmmm.

But it didn't sink in.

Then a week ago I realized it was ME.

Now it's in my head. Literally. I hear it all the time because I know it's me and not the trucks.

Last night I got about three hours sleep... and NOT in a row. Twenty minutes here, twenty minutes there...

Grrr!

I can't imagine going through life like this. It's louder than most things around me.

For the most part, it gets masked if I go on walks through the city or if I have a big fan blowing on me (the wind must mask it) but it's getting a little cool for that.

And it's been getting worse. A few weeks ago (when I still thought it was trucks) I awoke and thought, "Damn those guys are really busy tonight!"

Sigh.

BTW, earlier this year I was tested and the same ear has 25% hearing loss. I think it's more now. If I use an iPhone to play music I have to adjust the slider so it's 50% to the right to sound like it's in the middle.

If there is any saving grace that I have to wrap my head around it's that I was "dealing" with it when I thought it was trucks. I just need to get back to that state of mind.

I have to.

 

I used that same expressions "to be in the twilight zone". If you are wondering if you have tinnitus you are one of the lucky ones who have a mild case. Good.

I like calm and quiet. I hate "meaningless and vulgar noises". My tinnitus was that bad that i was unable to finish one page of a comic book. Couldn't concentrate.

Now, i can enjoy calm. Despite the tinnitus. I used to want a surrounding sound ambiance to soothe me. Not anymore. In fact when i want to read or study in peace i put noise canceling headphones so as not the hear the neighbours or my computer.

Of course when i do that i hear my t screaming but it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

My post is good news for you: if after a while i went from "very bothered by t and cannot enjoy calm" to "not bothered by t and enjoy so much calm that i read with noise canceling headphones" so can you ! Give it (lots of) time.

 

MILD? Today is the loudest it's ever been. Or loudest it's ever been since I realized it's me and not the environment.

 

I'm one of those who's tinnitus was from those bangs and booms from being in the service. And I've had for over 40 years. I also have hearing loss. My tinnitus improved significantly once I started to use hearing aids about 10 years ago. So there is hope. Good luck.