Trying to Accept My Journey

Well, it has been a month with the tinnitius and asides from battling severe depression this one is up there. I am slowly gaining some hope that I will learn to accept this and it will gradually decrease or at least become a bit easier. I am ashamed to admit I have asked God to take me because at times I have been completletly overwhelmed. I can not do that, I have a great wife and three beautiful children and I also believe it is a mortal sin. I stopped the Paxil which I can only guess possibly gave me T, but as a 25 year depression sufferer I went back on my old AD Lexapro yesterday, my therapist does not want me going down again and I have to agree. This is such a roller coaster ride, at my job last night I had a great night, laughing, joking , eating. Then I awoke today with constant head ringing, pit in my stomach and anxiety. I just forced myself to go to the gym and eat dinner and now hope to watch some TV and try to relax. I have been reading the success posts all day trying to gather hope that I can learn to accept and stop fighting. I know many say to accept you have it forever but I stay pray everyday for it to away, I do not know how I will get over that one. I thank all who have responded to my posts, your words of hope and very helpful. I will pray for us all trite and try my best tomorrow

 

Kevin, i'm going through the same thoughts as you, i don't want my life anymore!!! i feel sad about even thinking that thought, and i will hope and pray i cope better as the days pass by. God help us.

 

Hi carol, it

 

Hi carol, it looks like you have been dealing longer than me, I am sure you must have seen some improvement in coping? You can't quit, like they all say it will get easier and who knows it could even go away. My mom always says God only gives us what we can handle, you must stay strong. Better days are ahead

 

Thanks Eric, I have battled some serious bouts of depression in my 50 years and this is giving it a run for the money. It stemmed in took a big step forward last night but am having a shitty day today, but I am trying to keep last night in my head to push forward. I respect guys like you that have learned to live a normal life again, it shows it can happen have a good night and I hope to talk to you again, any wisdom or advice you can impart is greatly appreciated

 

Hey Kevin I believe you are moving forward. Just give it time and you will get better. FWIW I have dealt with depression on and off for a long time. Cherish the good days and never stop fighting the bad days. Every day is a new day and never loose hope.

 

Hi Kevin
You have the right to feel crappy because of Tinnitus.
But maybe you don't have to feel crappy so much.
As I was reading your post, I shuddered twice. When you said, "Awoke," and "TV."
TV and early morning are times when my T is alive. So I limit TV and I get up and get going in the morning. AND, I measure my response to my T everytime I notice my T. So my self talk has changed, and for reasons unknown, my T has changed.

 

Things will get better. I am certain of that. I had T over 15 years ago and it went away completely. And then resurfaced at the end of October/early November. It's still with me, but now I hardly notice it during waking hours. I'm still using low-volume ambient sounds to fall asleep. Interesting thing is, now I'm finding that the ambient sounds are almost more obtrusive then the T.

Just try to be patient. Go on about your life as you would if you didn't have T. You will adjust.

 

Kevin, I felt the same way too (and sometimes still do): "Just take me, God...I can't stand this!" Well, you know what, turns out I could stand it (most of the time) and it does get easier to accept over time. Hang in there.

 

I agree with others. Your mom is right, Kevin. God knows how much you can take. Stay strong and positive. Focus on the beauty of life instead of the darkness of T. It is understandable that your T will get your depressed. Most of us here went through the dark struggling days of anxiety, panic, depression and sleeplessness. Many people get better over time. You have a lovely family to fight for. I hope your T will fade. Even if it stays like my case, life is still very enjoyable and productive for me. Don't worry about the morning ringing. I have mine blasting away loud and ultra high pitched most every morning. It used to cause instant panic attacks. No longer. Nowadays, my brain has hardened to the T ringing. Now it doesn't even bother to react to it. It just fades T out of consciousness most of the day and I don't hear it. So be patient. Accept the current suffering as most people go through that initially. Accept that there will be setbacks. It is just all part of the process towards eventual habituation. Have firm hope that you will get better given time with a positive attitude and good approach. God bless your recovery.

 

thank you for your reply. your words mean a lot. I am not giving up hope that maybe one day it will go away, but I am also trying to not run away either. I am working now and to be honest it hardly bothers me at all, I try to keep the music just low enough so I can still hear the ringing, I was told that was the best way to habituate, to let the brain hear it with natural sounds so it loses its anxiety. Right now sleep is the hardest part, I am going to take a Klonopin each night for awhile, I need to get a good sleep and to be honest the klonopin usually knocks the sound down for awhile! Any other tips you can offer would be appreciated. Thanks again and God Bless!
Kevin

 

Yes, I truly empathize with you, Kevin. Sleeping was one of the worst thing for me too during the initial days. You may need to search the Internet to find ways to help you sleep better. I suffered so bad that I had to take sleeping pills to help me get a few hours of sleep per day back then. So you are just going through the stage where it is quite normal for new sufferers. Don't worry. Those days will pass.

You may want to get some masking going, especially while you sleep. Try get a CD player or anything which plays music or nature sounds. My T is ultra high pitched so I used heavy rain, constant waves, even faucet or shower sounds to help me not focus on the T in my bedroom. I set the repeat function on so it played the sounds the whole night. Some people say you need sound enrichment even during sleep for T to get better. So I didn't mind having the sounds the whole night through. To each its own. My colleague told me that his wife had bad T too and she put on country music in their bedroom, so much so that he had to sleep in a separate room for decades. LOL. But it works for his wife. She managed to raise her kids up to adult now. So people will do whatever if it helps, I guess.

 

Hang in there man! and don't give up hope - it CAN still go away! I got hope from an unexpected source, a co-worker,who upon my complaining about it one day mentioned she had T. for about 7 months a few years back,and then it went away. so there's always hope!

as far as sleep masking,one off the path idea could be a humidifier. that's what I use,and the constant water gurgling sound masks pretty good for me.

 

Hey kevin b, I'm not as far into loud intrusive t as many here, but I have had it now for around 3 moths. I remember the first night. I was in such a panic I thought I might have to go the hospital to have an injection to calm me down! My wife had never seen me like this before and she was frightened and in tears.
Now my t is no lower and as I sit typing this it is just as loud as the first night!
BUT! I am sitting here calm as can be, I think I have turned a corner with habituation.
Yes it has been hard and at times thought I would have to live with this feeling of angst for the rest of my life.
It is just as everyone here is saying, it might not get softer but you will get better at handling it.
Do not give up, the light at the end of the tunnel will soon appear.
You WILL get your life back!

 

Acceptance and reaction are the key to habituation. This condition has no resolution
Like other medical conditions and there is no outcome either until a cure is found,
We can just manage best we can and not make it the most important thing in our life.