I Can't Do This...

Having a really bad day... Watch my kids play.. Is like I'm there existing but not living the moment... This T consumes me... It's drowning me ... Some days is better and I think I can make it .. Then a day like this where all I hear is T I just wish for a minute of silence... Depression is taking a toll ... Anxiety is up... It has been 11 weeks and I feel I will never have my life back.... And I have no choice.. I need to live for my little ones... But is living with T having a life?!!!! Soooo frustrated and sad

 

You CAN do this Rina!!! I know it's so hard and totally sucks!! I am so sorry you are struggling so badly!! I know exactly what you are experiencing. I have 3 kids myself and trying to be there for them and dealing with severe T is HARD!! But it (they) are sooooo worth it!! And you will eventually habituate (like me), and it WILL get easier!! Hang in and hang on!! Don't freak out about the future, try to live each day best as you can, and love on those little ones!!!!! You are doing the right thing by venting here though! I pray for relief and peace for you soon!!!

Jeff

 

Its always hard at first. Its still hard today. Just hang in there. The attention this condition is getting is growing. Prayers for all.

 

I experienced the same feelings, and it's a common symptom of depression. But, 3 months with T sometimes is not enough time to habituate and get well.

Some advise:

a) If T is your only big problem, you have to know that the way you feel will improve with time. 90% of people do.

b) Alot! of people are living with T, and living normal lifes. Many of them are not in this forums, or any kind of support forums. So, it is not true that having T is equals to being miserable. You still can have a great life.

c) As well as you are depressed, and anxious about your T, the worst it will be. So do the trick "Fake it until you make it". Dont wait to feel great to do a normal life. If you are having a bad day with your T, dont stop, keep doing the things you like, enjoy your kids, enjoy a movie. It will be hard at the beggining, but as i've said, 90% of the time it will improve and you will start to feel wonderful.

Keep going Rina

 

Hi Rina, you have my empathy. I felt the same way for my love ones a few years back when my first hit with ultra high pitch dog whistle T plus severe hyperacusis. Don't despair. These days will pass.

T is a struggle for most people within the first year. So don't give yourself a time table of recovery as it adds undue pressure and anxiety. Take the good days as a blessing. There are going to be setbacks. Most people have setbacks. Recovery is not a straight line. It is more like a ladder. When I have those huge spiky days, I just imagine I have a loud job and will be on a long shift for the day like many people, the flight attendants, the drillers and miners of the world. Many of them don't have protection. I used to watch videos (with amplified volume) of people on loud jobs to try to place myself in their shoes. They are exposed to constant horrendous noise for wages and glad to have the jobs. So on the really bad days, I just imagine I have a loud job for those days like them. At least there is no plane crash, no hot sun, and not risking mine collapse working 1000+ ft underground. This is not a perfect analogy. But it has helped ease my mind to tolerate the huge spiky days better. Seeing people working at ease in horrendously noisy place also causes me to doubt why I reacted so panicky to the T sound. It led me back to focus on 'reaction' side of thing. I said if people can bear up with these noise for WAGES, I will bear up with my T for having my LIFE back. I began to learn to accept my reality living with T. Hope you don't lose heart. Hang in there. Your T is still relatively new. Give it time.

If you amplify the volume of these videos to real life loudness, you will see T noise is not that bad. Again I stress this is not a perfect analogy. But close enough for me as either I accept T or suffer mentally & emotionally for the rest of my life. I chose acceptance. What choice did I have?

Here is the noise what a flight attendant has to deal with all thru his/her working life :

White Noise from Airplane Cabin

These guys have no ear protection with horrendous loud machines and still working at ease:

Sri Lanka,ශ්‍රී...

Mine Development Crew - Underground Drilling

 

Rina, today may be a bad day, but I believe as time goes on the bad days will be less and there will be more and more good days. It will get better. Whenever I'm feeling down I read some of the success stories and the always give me hope.

 

Hi Rina, there is not much I can add, Jeff's post pretty much summed it up, along with the others.
I will pray for you....

 

Hi Rina,

Please just try to hold on as it REALLY does get better. I know, you wonder why you should believe--I wondered that myself. When I first came here, I felt exactly like you--sad and scared and almost at the brink of self harm. Make an appointment with your primary physician. Really talk to him/her-speak about your anxiety and depression. Look at the Doctor's corner and in particular, look at @Dr. Hubbard's story and read the success stories. You will be okay again. You will have your life back.

I'm in my 19th month, enjoying my life 95% of the time and just putting up with T the other 5% as a nuisance. I work everyday in a stressful job, I help my husband run his business, I exercise...I attend family functions, ride motorcycles--in short, I do everything I used to do before T. Like @Dr. Nagler says, we have to drive our own bus, meaning that we can't let T take over our lives.

Keep the faith and remember that it is a process--it takes time. Work on getting your anxiety under control as anxiety just makes T worse. Habituation is a real thing. We really do get to a place where we can live our lives completely and as @billie48 says, abundantly.

Best wishes for a better tomorrow,

Kathi

 

seems like more and more people are getting this crap and talking of suicide, really wish they would hurry and find something to help all of us!!! at least to bring noise down so we can live!!!praying for all of us that we will hear what we long for in next few years !!! hang in there!!

 

Look for those moments when you do not notice your T and take comfort in knowing they will only grow as you start to feel better. It will happen.

 

You do have a choice and there IS a way out .. https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/back-to-silence.7172/

 

@billie48 ,
Please do the T world a favor and stop disseminating information that people work in loud environments and its not a big deal so living with a loud noise is no big deal too.
You know these workers get to go home and REST in SILENCE -rejuvinating their strength for the next day. Flight attendats get to sleep in nice and quiet hotel rooms between flights - they dont bloody LIVE on the plane. Miners dont SLEEP near working machinery.

What do u think people who dont know what severe tinnitus does to a person, starts to think when reading your "look loud workers are perfectly fine and so should T suffers".

Go ahead and support people by telling them about how TINNITUS habituation works, or examples of people who have habituated or whatnot, but these kind of posts really aggravate me - people who work in loud environments actually suffer hearing damage and some of them will go on to develop severe disabling tinnitus. I dont know man, your analogy really sucks.
Stick with your Zoey example or whatever her name is...

 

We likely all have our ups and downs with this brain-boggling disease. It's almost ironic that stress can cause T to go out of control and if we have it, our depression and/or stress levels go up. It's a spiral. You said, "Some days is better and I think I can make it. Then ... you get blasted with noise again and stress/depression go up.

Critical: As hard as it is, you are there for your children. Sometimes T is still having a life. But, I made the choice as you have said - I, too, have to exist because I happen to be needed. When that time ends, I may have other choices. I'm not making false promises with this thing. But I am suggesting you constantly think of your kids. I'm not religious, so that doesn't come into play. But if you are, you may want to think about your faith .

Take care. You're far far far from alone.

 

I agree with @dan.

I like billie48 because he is a good man with a golden heart. He helped me and did write good things.
But when he's writing about people work in loud environments and its not a big deal so living with a loud noise is no big deal too,.... I don't think that is correct.

Because people who work in loud environments can go home.
They can walk away from the noise.

People with T can't.
Whereever we go, the noise goes with us.

 

@dan did you ever try Trobalt?

 

as far as I can tell, billie has severe tinnitus and has been living with it successfully for a long time. So, I think he is in fact providing an example of a "person who has habituated", and my guess is that the analogies he likes to share have been useful in that process.

That doesn't mean it will be useful to all people, or that it needs to be useful to you. But, the fact that it is not useful to you, does not mean it's not useful to others.

I also don't agree with your statement about people getting to go home to "peace and quiet". I have a nice, relatively expensive apartment in a very desirable neighborhood. The city it is near has three major airports, and there are a number of major expressways that arc through this very neighborhood. The bottom line is that during the dead of night, and even with very good thick double-pane windows in a very substantial concrete-and-brick building, the noise level inside my bedroom is ~62db average with frequent spikes to 70. It's at a completely differernt set of pitches than my ringing so it doesn't mask it, but it's easily as loud.

For the record, all that shit drives me insane and I'll probably be moving to someplace much quieter... but lots of people live here. Most of the apartments I've been in in this area are as loud or louder than mine.

 

I agree. In fact when I wrote the following post of mine a while back...

...I was actually being sarcastic in relation to "I suggest someone quickly posts this film to the much viewed positivity-thread."

In addition, I don't believe the film of Zoe Cartwright is a testimony to her perseverance; instead it is a testimony to her suffering! I realize that some members may disagree, but if you watch her film, I believe it is quite clear that she wants to portray her suffering: there is nothing uplifting about the content. Nothing! The fact that she is "still around" is another matter, if you ask me.

Here is her film-clip:

Tinnitus Short Film - 24.7.52.10.

Having said all that, I believe @billie48 is a very special member on TinnitusTalk who apparently has managed to overcome his severe tinnitus and enjoys life and is working too (if I understand correctly). He also spends a not insignificant amount of time here on TinnitusTalk helping others. Most importantly, however, is the fact that he managed to overcome his situation with habituation. I know I couldn't have done that.

So for once, and in a rare moment, I agree with both of you at the same time (if that makes sense).

attheedgeofscience
09/MAY/2015.

 

My thoughts, excactly.

 

Wow! Never heard of Zoe Cartwright. I've just watched her short. I'm in tears. Speechless. It's exactly how I feel! You see, such a film could have an impact, portraying how severe our suffering is. And you are right, ATEOS, there's nothing uplifting about the content. It's just a genuine portray of her pain, be it in an artful way.

Why is this short film NOT viral? It could be used to raise awareness! We DO need awareness. Such a video should be on the main page here and everywhere.


Are you sure she's still around? Her last comment on FB is from 2012.

Most people do. Others have T.

No, I don't call this life anymore. I wish I could, but -- no!
Though, keep in mind I have extreme reactive T +H.

 

Holly, I was busy living and enjoying my life despite my insanely screaming T and didn't know my post has irritated some people. Just came back from Bellingham airport picking up my daughter and her family visiting from Hawaii and it was so heavenly to see my one-year old grandson Noah. I cling to any bit of heaven to bury the 'hell' of T. My T was singing its ultra high pitch tune the whole day. Sometimes when it got ridiculously loud and I had nothing going on to distract from it, here come the ear buds with my ipod on faucet sound. Yes, it takes a squeaky high pitch faucet sound to match my T pitch, which sometimes even shower fails. What can one do to such ultra high pitch T which can cut through raging river rapids and jet noise in a flight? Go kill myself? Seriously that path had been entertained and rejected. I would rather endure a temporary 'hell' than the unthinkable. Now I don't need masking all day, but sometimes I was sick and tired with the laser beam like ultra high pitch shrill. There go my nature sounds, ya, even squeaky faucet.

Seriously, when I tell you those loud machines and loud jobs matter, I literally mean it. I use them a a lot initially (by turning up the amplified volume) to bury my T and told myself you don't have to kill yourself because those guys are working for wages with a much louder noise all day all through their career. I begged my panic prone mind to not push me down the seff destruction path, but the mind said give me a reason how you can live with this T for life. I said I would be like a driller w/o ear protection for 10-12 hours shift and while hearing the T shrill, I won't give a dime to the T. Then with the distractions of life and masking, it covers another 6 hours of facing T without fully hearing the unearthly shrill, which is like 'the so called going home and not having to face the loud sound. Then I would sleep my 7-8 hours on a CPAP machine (because I have sleep apnea), hopefully I won't be oxygen starved (which will send T to unbearably loud level). I look forward to my fishing breaks each week and would carry my ipod with me just in case I fish a quiet pool and Mr T is too loud. But I would prefer fishing the rapids walking 6-8 hours casting for a steelhead. On the really loud days, even the rapids could only partially mask but it is natural masking better than a faucet. LOL.

As I said, the loud job is not a perfect analogy, but the duration of exposure to loud sound is about the same if I add masking & distraction to the equation. I would take this imperfect analogy and say to myself, 'man, you can live with this T and don't need to shorten your life'. This is my 'new normal'. This is how my panic prone mind didn't trigger more panic attacks after a while because it knows I reason & show strong will to live with this noise and it buys into my reasoning. That is only a personal strategy that I often said may not work for others. But some may find it useful if they have no more alternative to deal with this sound and contemplating harming themselves. There is no intent to minimize or trivialize people's suffering for T. I had gone through hell with my T & H. I know the depth of the suffering that loud jobs cannot parallel. This is the compromise, an imperfect analogy, that I am willing to accept in order to convince my panic prone brain not to trigger more anxiety and panic attacks. It is either accepting it or suffering endlessly and be truly life threatening.

In the support forum, we are sharing our experiences and our strategies to try to help others. It doesn't mean our approach will work or will be used by others, but some may catch on and benefit. That is all we try to achieve by sharing. In the same way I applaud IWLM's Back to Silence method. It may not work for all, but it has definitely help some. We shouldn't jump IWLM and discount his T as minor because it doesn't apply to our T. This is same for TRT, CBT, Mindfulness, diet, supplement, creatine, Trobalt, etc. etc. They work for some, not all. To each its own. But at least we are sharing what approach has helped. That is what support forum is for. I will exercise my wisdom in sharing this approach of loud job analogy if I see it fitting. Just skip it if you don't think it helps you and don't have to get upset because it doesn't intend to put down your T suffering at all. The battle to win back our life with T requires playing some mental games with the mind. This is one of those mental games I used to beat out my T monster. Save for a true cure, sometimes the mental approach is the best solution for some who can't handle the T ringing. This is my humble 2 cents on the subject.

Thanks ATEOS and linearb and Vincent for your support and understanding.

 

As for Zoe's film, I actually followed ATEOS' recommendation to post about her and her film on page 14 & 15 on the Positivity Thread. I agree with ATEOS. It seems to paint a bleak suffering picture of T. In regards to that, Zoe Cartwright actually had commented on her film and the true message it tries to send. I have posted about her comments in page 15 of the Positivity Thread, with post# 423. It reads like below:

You may not be sure by how she feels about her life in the face of such punishing unmaskable scream 7/24 for life. Here in the comment section of this the web site which I provided the link you can read about her positivity and stamina, which is a life force which shelters her from a life of suffering and misery:

http://www.grumpyoldeafies.com/2008/05/film_experience_of_tinnitus.html

How does she view her life in face of total deafness and unending, loud, unmaskable T? Here in one of the replies she made in the comment section of the above link summarizes it (just incredible positivity & stamina which is so touching to witness and which I am trying to emulate to live my life with T):

Dear Dj, Laurence, Chris and Eddie,
Cheers for your lovely comments guys, it really makes me smile
I'm intrigued about Eddie's message regarding "looking at it in the wrong perspective" - the film was not designed to bring out the violin strings or moan about tinnitus. It was simply about showing a different perspective walking around with a noise that can be dominating - which therefore feels surreal. I love my life, and I can honestly say I am happy - Tinnitus is just a slice of my life.
Thanks again.
Zoe.

 

You can ask @Team Awareness to look into it.