Suicidal

I too wish I was not alive with this insane loud tinnitus. I wish every day to die. I will not commit suicide, but hope for a heart attack, car accident, lightning strike, anything to get me out of the misery. I just can't see being tortured like this for decades to come. I have habituated many times, but as it continuously gets louder and louder for no apparent reason, it seems no longer realistic to habituate anymore. It is so loud, I feel dizzy and light headed. The more I wish for relieve, the more it bothers me. I feel bad for all those who care for me as they suffer to. Praying for all those suffering with this stuff and for a cure.

 

I spoke to my wife today and she is vehemently against the idea of VAD. Her belief is that VAD should only be applied if you're terminally ill.

If not... fucking suck it up and suffer it which is all well and good when you can sit in silence whenever you like.

I'm making enquiries with Pegasos to see if not having a supportive network behind you is an issue.

 

Did you habituate?

Thankful why?

 

I'm 100% sure that if your wife got what you have, she would change her tune rather quickly.

 

So would I, but you know what 'it's just a noise' types are like.

Spoke to my parents about it. Apparently I'm insane and shouldn't spend €10,000 on a dignified exit. Just commit suicide instead as it's cheaper. My father is a stupid old bastard.

 

I doubt that would be a problem, you’re an adult and of sane mind to make your own decisions.
Family members in general are probably hardly ever jumping with joy when faced with something like this, I guess not many people will have family support.

Please let us know what they say.

 

You will be thankful you chose to live.

Yes I habituated but all it takes is to let your guard down once and you wanna off yourself once again....

Hell maybe you're right and life is not worth living like this, but I promise you will stop wanting to kill yourself within 2 years or less.

 

Sorry to hear they were so cold. Most people unless they are faced with this themselves just wouldn't understand. My own mother told me I should eat good food and look at birds. At least I have my legs!

I looked into this myself. Dignitas, at least, requires a year's notice and psychological evaluation. I used this information to explain to people that it was not a knee jerk idea and would be decided with the help of professionals. I even found one friend willing to go with me.

In my case, I wasn't allowed to apply until my divorce was final. My ex was/is a self centered douchebag who left me for being "inconsolable" over losing so much functional hearing--a few months into the ordeal no less. This is after he first accused me of making up my symptoms because "how could people with hearing loss hear some things louder?" Or have so many ear symptoms in general.

He told everyone that would listen that I must have developed a mental illness after my recent miscarriage. During this time, he also neglected me and would disappear a lot, sometimes for days. When he was around, he wouldn't touch me or even sit next to me on the sofa anymore and told me daily how selfish I was to "wallow" in suffering because that meant I was only thinking about myself. He would even (literally) yell at me for crying, telling me constant tears couldn't be real and also told me I was a mental lost cause who didn't put a "real" effort into things like CBT and positivity or developing new hobbies.

I bring him up because, for all of that, he indirectly saved my life. Not that he would care in the least. He would have had to sign off on my suicide and go with me unless we were divorced (takes a long time in my state) so that bought me time to regain hope in the form of upcoming regenerative medicine.

I hope you get the same hope. I believe they will solve rebuilding the cochlea, and the brain responding will follow. I'm not talking about masking or TRT but fixing the underlying pathology. I believe if you can hang on until that day, you will not regret it. That time left free from this pain will be worth it. I really believe that.

But ultimately, it is your choice.

I was previously a veterinarian. I know there is a time to consider quality of life above all. But if you choose to do it on your terms, with dignity, and hopefully a friend or two around, screw anyone who doesn't understand. But maybe the one year waiting period would buy you just a bit more time to see hope in regenerative therapy.

Regardless, (hug) to you and everyone facing the fear of it never getting better and the very difficult days every day. I think our time will come again through medical science. I just wish it didn't take so long.

 

You can't make promises.

 

I do not want to sound rude or anything like that but if "being used to it" or "habituate" means to continue entering this forum daily, writting in a thread called "Suicide" and stuff... seems that this "habituation thing" is not to move on with your life. It seems insufficient.

If being habituated is to continue entering a thread of suicide in a disease forum, seem to me like you have not moved on with your life and you are still focused on this tinnitus beast. I don't want to reffer to your specific case, but in general terms of this infamous "habituation".

I think I'm not interested in that kind of life and it's fine as an option.

There are people in this same forum who have been with tinnitus for +5 years and they don't seem very happy and full of joyfull like in their "previous life".

And off yourself it's not a bad thing per se, just an option that should be available to everyone who suffers and required this.

Sorry for my bad english tho.

 

@acute, maybe try Tinnitus Mix. The only thing you got to lose is your noise. I’m trying it as a last resort. A kindle book I read said to play pink or white noise for 8 hours/day. I had tinnitus for years and haven’t habituated.

 

This will be my sixth year with this and without question it has been emotionally the most difficult.

I have used up every capacity for habituation, belief in a truly effective treatment, and expectation that this will go away all by itself.

This all-consuming frustration has rendered me in a continual state of lassitude and even exhaustion.

Like a huge magnetic force it has appropriated all of the energy that formerly I applied to enthusiasm for living.

A man I worked with lost 12 pounds in one month and went to the doctor. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died within the year.

If I had not had this tinnitus condition, and been diagnosed with this, it would have been catastrophic.

With this condition, however, I would have felt liberated, and regarded such a cancer as a natural form of euthanasia.

I would have been provided with all of the morphine and fentanyl necessary to devolve into an ultimately tinnitus-free state.

Living like this reminds me of Nietzsche's comment that humanity is stepping across a tightrope suspended over an abyss.

2020 will be some sort of a Year of Decision for me.

 

Further comms from Pegasos... they'd prefer it if your partner was happy to go along with it, reason being some bereaved people have gone after them in court but apparently they have successfully defended claims.

If you have depression, you'd need to be checked by a psychiatrist to make sure your mental capacity to decide to go through with it wasn't based on the depression.

Me personally? Well I'm torn between my own torturous existence and ending it and leaving two children fatherless and a wife without a husband. It might be worth me waiting until they are young adults, which is another 8 - 10 years. Perhaps in that time hearing regeneration will be available or even a specific cure for tinnitus.

All I know is the prospect of dying like a dog in a muddy forest is fucking scary. I'd much prefer something dignified and respectful. If I'd known then what I know now I would have offed myself at the start, rather than bring children into the world to dump my shit on. They make it so much harder.

In the meantime I'm still hoping on a massive cardiac arrest in my sleep or some other swift terminal disease.

 

Or his tinnitus is not as bad as yours?

I think we can't know if someone else will habituate, only ourselves for our own tinnitus. I don't know why people agreed with his post. Empty promises don't help.

 

Wish I could easily off myself. I hate this loud tinnitus. Nothing masks it.

I hate hearing advice from people to others advocating getting MRIs, seeing ENTs and seeing audiologists and therapists. I am sick of it! I am not even talking about me but when it's for other people.

I know it doesn't help severe tinnitus because loud tinnitus can't be helped. I don't know of anyone helped with loud tinnitus and I mean 10/10!

When it's so loud, you want to shoot yourself to stop the t noise. Researchers aren't helping this. They just want money!!!

 

I thought you would say something like that.

So if you notice I have not posted in the last 2 years and did not come on this disease forum at all.

But a recent accident has made my tinnitus much much worse.

So right I am no longer habituated and I have great doubt, I just think mild to moderate can be habituated but severe I don't think so.

Like there is tinnitus that you can hear over anything but it's kind of soft, but then there is tinnitus that is a huge metal screech that you can hear over anything but is also very disturbing sound...like a thick cloud of screech.

If you have the latter, then habituation is in doubt indeed.
I don't know what you have.

 

Like I told @acute, I had tinnitus that I could hear over anything but I was doing well... when I say anything I mean even driving 160km/hr.

 

May I ask what accident caused your tinnitus worsened?

I’m so sorry that happened.

 

Further update from Pegasos. Tinnitus is an acceptable reason for a VAD. You do not have to be sick.

 

This is a first from a Swiss clinic I think? You mentioned earlier that they could work around a partner not agreeing, but what about someone with kids? That's a very thorny aspect of the situation and it makes things impossible :'(

 

To Chinmoku:
Out of curiousity, who did Gaby Olthus go to?

She had two children (but they might have been grown and no longer residing with her).
I recall also that she was rejected the first time, and it required a second appeal for them (whoever the organization was) to accept.

 

Never asked that and somehow I don't think it would matter if you are of sound mind and have a legitimate reason.

Which leads me to the question:

Should we suffer this for the sake of our children? So we don't destroy their lives, change the course of their lives forever?

Or do we put our own suffering first? I brought them into this world so most non-tinnitus people would say I must suffer it for them. Or is it my human right?

 

Everyone will have their own personal beliefs...

I am here for my kids, period.

Do we have control over our tinnitus? Barely... change your diet, get hearing aids... make it manageable if you can.
Must our disability make us @ssholes to everyone around us? No.

But we will all have bad days....and not so bad days.

How we deal with the tinnitus and how we react to it IS under our control.

My belief is... if you have kids and have always been a PARENT (not a sperm donor or gestational vessel)
it’s a different ballgame... now EVERY choice you make affects them... and ceasing to exist is never the answer.

There is always something good, or even conducive, you can do for your kids no matter how bad things are.

While someone’s pain may go away if they choose to give up... you will be causing untold psychological trauma to your kids.

My $.02

 

People's opinions or their lives, would never affect my decision about suicide. The only thing that affects my decision, is being scared of what awaits me, after I commit suicide - For example going to hell. I wish I was born in a country like Japan, where suicide could be seen as a good thing, in certain circumstances. I just think about those Japanese soldiers and army generals, who just killed themselves, because they felt it was the righteous thing to do.

 

She did it in the netherlands, there is an association that assists you in preparing your suicide. They have been harshly criticized for this, not least because she left two kids of 12 and 15 if I recall correctly. She was in a dilemma no human being should be facing. The superficial critics said "she had only ringing ears, why kill yourself for that?" They ignore the type of tinnitus she had, and the hyperacusis. The poor woman was living on a stamp, as they say. She could not see her kids anyway because she hardly tolerated any noise. She tried everything. What do you do in a situation like this? I am furious because, as I said, no human being should have to face a choice like this

 

What infuriates me is that no human should be facing this kind of choice. No one.
Unfortunately the facts are tough. Children of suicidal parents are 3x likely to commit suicide themselves, and even if they don't they can be plagued by mood disorders for years. On the other hand even witnessing the agony of a tortured father over the years is hardly beneficial for their development. I don't know what to say.
However if there is a chance that we can go on I would say let's try to go on. I do believe the first effective treatments based on regeneration of cells and synapses will be out in 5-10 years. Science is finally converging. If we can make it that far we should be much better off, it's a painful war but one worth fighting if we have kids

 

The catholic church has this dogma that Hell exists and is "forever" if you get there (whatever forever means in a dimension where time may not exist). However, not everyone agrees. There are universalists who think that God in his divine mercy will not keep anyone in Hell "forever". Hell is thought by these people as a purifying experience (like purgatory) and not as a punishment, so once one has been purified, s/he can be offered a chance to accept the love of God again. Granted, one can refuse God forever and stay in Hell, that's free will, but otherwise how can a loving God condemn humans to Hell for eternity? Universalists include many of the church father and even recent prestigious catholic theologists. They avoid conflict with the church by saying that they _hope_ hell will be empty in the end, rather than being _certain_ of that. Whatever, I think it makes sense hoping that Hell is empty in the end or believing that it will be.

I believe there is an afterlife. There is too much evidence. I was impressed by NDEs of people who are born blind and who see during the NDE, describing the room and everything correctly.

https://www.near-death.com/science/evidence/people-born-blind-can-see-during-nde.html

This is unbelievable and very hard to explain from a fully naturalistic (consciousness = purely brain activity) point of view. People born blind have a brain that would not even be able to interpret visual stimuli, but they can see and understand what they see in a NDE.
There's much more evidence than this, not least the miraculous healing feats around the world that are well documented and beyond spontaneous remissions, but this is quite astonishing already.

 

It's actually 6 times more likely.

 

Yeah one of the only things that kept me alive in days 30-100 was the fact that suicide might lead to an observed, cold dark loneliness for eternity. Something about choosing to exit the life cycle willingly feels like you’d incur such an ultimate curse.

 

Very loud music.
Hope to see you at my convalescent house soon...