A Brief History of Noise...

Tinnitus struck me the very first morning after my acoustic trauma.
I woke up to loud, horrific, relentless noise.
I experienced total unbelievable despair.
‘I’m finished - I want to die.
Please let me die in my sleep.
Let me die anytime - Now!’
This torture will never stop - I know that!
Noise in the head - hateful - despicable - unliveable - unacceptable - MISERY!

I said to my adorable misus;
“How can you possibly love someone with permanent noise in their head?”
She said, “It just means that I’m going to love you that bit more!” (And a big smile!)

But how can anybody accept something that is totally unacceptable?
How can you do that?
How do you even get started?

Eventually I decided that I had to - not just accept it - but come to expect it - I knew it would still be there tomorrow.
I went to bed fully expecting to wake up to noise, the next morning, so that it wouldn’t come as a big shock.
It didn’t.
That seemed to help me to accept it a bit more.

Absolute despair faded very slowly
- - - - * suffering remained.

I became much more committed to my meditation than ever before.
Despite Tinnitus, I could still put myself
‘right out’ in just a few seconds. Amazing.
This loud hiss could not prevent my deep relaxation.
A small victory.
Every session I did, confirmed that ‘Hiss’ would give way to ‘Peace,’ again.
It never fails me.
Don’t get too excited - the hiss comes back,
but I feel much more rested, able to cope with it, and am then taking less notice of it.

I found that some days I could actually become aware of this noise, but just observe it, more so than suffer from it.
Okay - so it’s still there - but so what,
kind of thing.
Just get on, and do stuff.

When I am busy I often don’t even observe it.
Keep “head” busy!
Head busy is really good.
Get up on Facebook - start corresponding on Tinnitus Talk - answer some fan-mail.

(Alright - alright - I just threw that last bit in....perhaps I should have thrown it out....!)

I have found that company, both live and virtual - communication, correspondence, etc....is probably the best of all distractions.
I mean, what could possibly be more interesting than time spent in the company of friends?

(Well.....yes......of course.....time spent with pussycats......I’ll have to grant you that !!)

But when I am concentrating, I am largely ignoring everything else - Tinnitus included.

Making the best of a bad job.

 

“Percival”

 

I guess I wouldn’t look too manly,
......but then ‘manly’ was some time ago.....

 

@Jazzer
Hi Jazzer,
Wow! Percival is a beautiful cat!
I love what you wrote. Things have gotten much worse for me the past few days and I am feeling that despair. I would like to send you a message, but still trying to figure out how.

 

@Jazzer,
Your posts are lovely and I can say for sure that they brighten up the forum.
Love glynis

 

@glynis - that is so sweet of you.
I think I love you - I know it’s all a bit sudden x

 

Just for you Tracy:
Percy
(he said you can call him Percy - I think he likes you) and his brother TimTom.
And my precious little sweetheart Annie.

 

@Jazzer
So Precious.
Hi, Percy. I like you, too. And your brother Timtom, too.

And Annie is gorgeous.

 

Ok, at that point I saw an ENT, who was basically not helpful or very compassionate or understanding, but an audiogram did reveal I had mild high frequency hearing loss. I have a consultation with an audiologist soon.

I also saw another ENT. He was better, but since I was seeing him out of pocket (out of network with insurance) he was limited in what he could do. He diagnosed me with somatosensory T, since he felt my hearing loss was mild, and he could see I was a teeth grinder and likely have jaw/TMJ problems. I have a consult with a neuromuscular dentist soon.

I also saw a psychiatrist for intense anxiety related to T ( I have struggled with intense anxiety before T) and he prescribed Clonazepam for anxiety. I had taken Ativan a few times a week for years to deal with anxiety/insomnia before T.

I reluctantly started the Clonazepam about a week in a half ago. I took .5 mg on a Sunday and it quieted the T for 6-7 hours and reduced anxiety. I didn’t take it again for 2 days and didn’t notice any impact on T. Since then I have taken about 1mg about 4 other times ( about every other day or two days) and while it doesn’t do much the day of, my T will be quiet the next day. However, the day after that it will get loud again.

I will continue in a moment...

 

I reluctantly started the Clonazepam about a week in a half ago. I took .5 mg on a Sunday and it quieted the T for 6-7 hours and reduced anxiety. I didn’t take it again for 2 days and didn’t notice any impact on T. Since then I have taken about 1mg about 4 other times ( about every other day or two days) and while it doesn’t do much the day of, my T will be quiet the next day. However, the day after that it will get loud again.

I took it Monday and again it was real quiet on Tuesday, but yesterday came roaring back. It was real, real bad. I’m kind of freaking out, wondering if I’ve already developed a dependency and maybe shouldn’t be stopping every one or two days. Maybe I’m going through some kind of withdrawal every few days worsening T. I’m also scared I’ve possibly made it permanently worse by taking Clonazepam at all. I wouldn’t think taking Clonazepam about 5 times would do that, but I’m panicky.

Will continue...

 

@TracyJS - I haven’t gone away - I’ve just been asked by the misus to vacuum the house.
I will be back shortly x

 

@Jazzer

All of this has filled with me with such suffering and despair. I’m single and have a limited support system (some family and friends). They care and are doing their best to be there, but seeing me suffer is really hard for them. They don’t know what to do. It’s really just me and my beloved cat Riley.

I don’t know if I can keep going. My life has changed so much since T. I feel like I’ve lost so much of my life and who I am.

Sure, get back to me when you can.

 

@TracyJS - Oh dear - I can truly feel your pain,
as you know from the way I wrote about it.
It will not always be like this - I absolutely promise you that. x

I have to mention that I have never used drugs to treat “T.” I am always wary.
The only thing I used to take was melatonin 2mg for longer sleep. I no longer need it.
I know nothing about the drugs, but I do know that many other members on here have used them, perhaps quite successfully.
People like @glynis have the knowledge on that side of it.

When mine first started up I could honestly focus on nothing else but the noise. Constantly.
That eventually Changed for Me, as it will Change for You. It does take time Tracy.

In the mean time, I would keep talking on here;
it does help. Keep some ear plugs with you just in case; I use mine for vacuuming etc...
go for some nice walks, get some good sleep, try to practice meditation, if it suits you.
Talk to Riley - he’ll understand - mine did - and they purred for me.

One minor point Tracy.
You started your story on an inbox conversation, and then followed up on an open post.
That doesn’t matter, as long as you know.
If you want to continue in private, you have to go back into inbox conversations.

Take care Tracy - you will get your life back on track.......no question. Give it time.
Dave xx

 

@TracyJS ,
Sorry to hear your having a tough time at the moment.
Colozepam is a benzo and very adictive but at the same time really good when tinnitus is sever .
I think if you do what your doing missing days that should help.
You might find hearing aids helpful if you have hearingloss.
Make sure your getting enough sleep and if not then
Melatonin can help but if its for long term sleep then a low antidepressant way below the therapeutic dose for depression can help.
I take 25mg Nortriptyline.
Love glynis

 

@Jazzer

Oh, you are right. I meant to continue my story in private I am not sure what I did.

I will respond in private ( hopefully I will get it right) a bit later.

Tracy

 

Sorry to hear your having a tough time at the moment.
Colozepam is a benzo and very adictive but at the same time really good when tinnitus is sever .
I think if you do what your doing missing days that should help.
You might find hearing aids helpful if you have hearingloss.
Make sure your getting enough sleep and if not then
Melatonin can help but if its for long term sleep then a low antidepressant way below the therapeutic dose for depression can help.
I take 25mg Nortriptyline.
Love glynis

Thank you, Glynis. I have followed your posts and you are always kind and supportive to those who are struggling. Do you think since I have taken Clonazepam roughly ever other day for about a week and a half that I should taper or should just not take anymore for awhile (if I can)?

 

@glynis
See above

 

@TracyJS ,
I have never taken it but I think I would do a taper to make sure your ok but make sure you take it if your tinnitus is to intrusive take it as prescribed.
Love glynis

 

Thank you, Glynis. I think I might have to take something. Just so concerned about making things worse in the long term.

 

@TracyJS
If you need it don't worry ,keep it at the lowest dose you need and if you can manage every other day then that's a good start.
love glynis