Acceptance (Lack Thereof) and Moving On

It's been a difficult three month journey for me. First I had hope that the tinnitus would go down, then I found out I have hearing loss and I still hoped for improvement. It has now been three months and I am really struggling with my tinnitus, my hearing loss which brought with it annoying aural fullness and visual snow. I have started noticing visual snow these last few weeks and this has just made me fall into more despair. The last three months I have had constant trouble sleeping and I'm starting to think that this is just how things will have to be.

I am so frustrated with myself as I went to an event at someones house that quickly got too loud and I now I will forever pay the price for this. I am in my early 20's still have to finish college and I feel like my life is falling apart. I find it hard to be joyful and enjoy the things I used to do. I feel like I have destroyed myself and I am having a very difficult time accepting this situation. How will I ever be the same person again? I am falling apart, the more time passes the more afraid I am that this is it.

 

Hello @missingsilence - so sorry to hear you are struggling.

I think it's a very humane reaction to any kind of (possibly chronic) ailment to kind of feel at loss. Some people bounce back quick, some people need time to accept, adapt and move on. What may be happening with you is simple: grief and disappointment because this happened to you. You have lost something (well, we have - silence at least) and there's also fear the unknown: what will happen in the future and will you be able to cope. Imagine someone getting a diagnosis of some other bothersome disorder - they might go through same emotions, since these things change our lives in a way we did not plan. The most important thing is to believe in how incredibly skilled human beings are in adaptation. That's our brain's speciality! Even when things fall apart, we'll be able to pick up the pieces, glue them together and turn a new page.

I understand the frustration of being in college and having had completely different expectations where you would be now. That perhaps you would be able to go to loud parties, festivals - well, just enjoying a carefree life. I was starting my new studies and kind of finally rising from deep depths of anxiety and depression, to start new life - that's when T started. I can't describe how broken-hearted I was to realize my highly anticipated new beginning now had a scary shadow. I had been learning to socialize again and enthusiastic to go into uni events, having found like-minded individuals. But because my anxiety went through the roof and my T is reactive, I gave some of it up - no loud get-togethers, parties or even more quiet social gatherings, since I've been so beaten down emotionally. So it can be hard.

Wait up! I'm not gonna leave my message to such doom & gloom, though. You ask how will you ever be the same person again, but aren't we always changing? Life always brings surprising challenges and they shape who we are and who we decide to become. When we experience serious setbacks, there is always chance to find ways to rise back up. Perhaps we won't live exactly same life than before the setback, but we can assess the compulsory limitations (=like avoiding superloud concerts) and explore new things to enjoy. Perhaps we won't be the ones dancing the night away in a crowded nightclub, but I have found new joy in other things. In fact, because of T I now have more of a personal perspective. I'm trying out activities: finally started DnD roleplaying sessions and meet people for boardgames or sitting in a sunny park. Or enjoying just something as simple as eating a tasty meal and using pleasant music as a masker. Not that I don't have plenty of dark days... but we gotta balance them out somehow.

So can you find things to enjoy T can't touch? Even if it tries to, don't allow it shrivel all the good things in your life. Rather take power back from T than increase it - and what could be better way to do it than do something that makes you forget about it. Even for brief moments, at first. What could these things be? If it's hard to think of the bigger picture, start from the smallest possible thing. It's summer - perhaps enjoying the nature would put a smile on your face? Is there a new hobby you could try? You are falling apart, you say - think of what could help keep it all together. Blaming yourself is the last thing, it is too easy for us to be wise about the past. In present we keep making mistakes, that's humane. In addition, don't be afraid of reaching out to people close to you, for support and comfort. Do you have friends or family to rely on?

I wish you all the best. Not sure how helpful my answer is, but I can relate to those feelings and wanted you to know you're not alone.
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Hi and welcome to Tinnitus Talk.
How you feel about tinnitus now will change as your brain adapts like-I couldn't care less about it attitude.
You could try a hearing aid of have hearing loss.
For sleep Melatonin can help and for long term a low AD to help sleep is better than getting hooked on sleeping tablets.
Counselling might help you off load your negative feelings and you will enjoy life again even if need our a bit more effort in when your ears are loud.
Concentrate on filling your life with nice things and don't dwell on negativity as there is no good in that and make you low.
We are here to support you around the clock so don't suffer alone and protect your ears when needed.
Love glynis

 

There is grief counseling for situations other than those who have lost someone. I would advise NOT to go to any programs that try and combine everyone together though because that generally doesn't work to well. And if you are in school some places even offer free counselling.

And has been mentioned (set the bar low ) and try and find joy when you can even if it is a small thing. Also as glynis mentioned - guard your mind. Im very careful about what few shows I watch for instance. There is a lot of emotional manipulation in media. If you are very down it is a detriment. I consider it almost as important as avoiding loud noises would be to the T.

 

Thanks for the support guys, I am weak at the moment. I am scared and anxious right now. When the visual snow started it made things worse for me. I ask myself, if by worsening my tinnitus and hearing if I also caused my visual snow. It shocks me to know that two of my most valuable senses are affected by it.

I want to be my normal self again, I was fine not so long ago and now everything is going downhill. Each day that passes I feel like I am getting worse (even though the T may no be getting louder), at first it was my tinnitus and now its my vision as well. Part of me keeps on hoping that things will get better, that it will subside but I feel like the evidence is against me. I feel like I was robbed of a normal life. Not being able to go to concerts or clubs doesn't bother me as I generally disliked loud crowded places, which makes me more upset that this happened. I just miss being to see clearly and be in a quiet room without having my ears and head scream at me.

To make matters worse I am burdening my family. It's hard for me to accept this when I feel it has changed me as a person and my life.

 

I'll put it this way...I am I have made more mistakes than you and we are human. It happens, life happens. My tinnitus is FULL blown and extremely ugly in both ears. Don't hold yourself guilty for past mistakes, it has happened and we just move forward. I don't know your routine, but try to reduce your stress, listen to tranquil sounds and take care of yourself. It's natural to blame ourselves, but we need find a way to handle our situation.

take care of yourself

 

It bothers me so much, I had patience beforehand, hoping things would get better but recently it has gone away as I am not noticing any improvement. I feel like an entirely different person, I feel like I am at a much reduced capacity and I feel worse. The visual snow is just as bothersome as the tinnitus to me. I would give anything to go back in time, I don't know how to move on from this, how to be myself again. I hate myself right now.

 

Please don't hate yourself.
Tinnitus and visual snow has " given you a bit of a wobble and feel out of sorts".
You just need time to work things through emotionally and build up your confidence and self worth.
Life throws us some hard times and this in time will make us stronger towards other down times.
Building up good times and happy memories, planning nice things helps to balance out the not so nice times.
Be kind to yourself as you have the right to be happy so stay positive.

Love glynis

 

@NimQ

Thanks for this post. I have only just found the thread and had to comment. Very wise words indeed.

 

Yes but how did you forgive yourself, I am have a hard time . Trying to but it so hard .

 

I could blame myself for many things. Yes, my tinnitus came due to an illness, but the way it is now is all my own fault. I had no education or warning and no forum like this... where mentors and helpers would advise me. 30 years ago non of this existed.

I had no clue that loud music/sounds/events could take my very low hiss/non intrusive tinnitus to a very loud and chaotic beast. Accidents happen in life and sometimes we cause them and sometimes we don't. We need to just know that we are human and try to keep moving on. If we can do something... to help out our current affliction, then by all means try it. If nothing can be done, then just sitting there angry and stuck in hate will not change our situation.

I don't preach religion on this site, but I believe in faith and just live my life like that. In the end it's all about trying to forgive yourself for your mistakes. This can be quite hard and many can have a hard time. Learn to forgive yourself and that healing can come into your life. Maybe you need to weep, cry to get there, but it is very possible to learn how to forgive ourselves and start healing and not looking to the past

I forgive myself for my mistakes and this happened later on in my life, but i am peace with myself and i am peace with my intrusive tinnitus.

Hope this board finds it's peace.

 

@fishbone
Well said fishbone.
Crucial advice for everybody.
We must not define ourselves by our shortcomings, our faults and our failings.
We are very much more than that.
Every time we offer the hand of kindness to another, we prove our humanity.
It is what we are here for.
Kindness given, and kindness received always feels good, and you are unstinting my friend. xx