Can't Do It

Hi good folks,

I have not posted for a few days but need to now.

I have been doing quite well lately considering but I'm now stuck. My T is still only noticeable in very quiet or silent places. I've been practicing mindfulness for the last few days for around 10-20 mins each day and I can get the T down to silence each time. I also get silence in bed more now as some of the T has backed off. I've even slept at night with no sound enrichment a couple of times.

But I don't think I'll ever fully habituate to what's left or get over the fear of T after what it has done to me. The obsession I have is all consuming and I'm terrified by what it can still do to my emotion and thoughts and whether it will get worse.

I've had all the help I can get from counselling, doctors and drugs. I've moved heaven and earth. I get out when I can and do much more than I did this time last year but I have reached stalemate. I've also bought Julian Cowan Hill's book on T which I'm reading.

But the anxiety still has me hostage. My blood runs cold if I even hear mild T in the quiet and I panic even though it calms down again. I'm panicking now. I feel so sad that this is stopping me achieve final recovery and I cannot really move on until I have habituated 100%. That is the bottom line. It has been 18 months now. I've tried everything. Do I just need more time? I keep meeting people with T both young and old and they function fine. I just can't join them.

Sorry.

Jonathan

 

Jonathan, I think maybe your panic is coming from not only a fear of tinnitus returning, but from that tightly held sense of having to control it. When you hear a mild bit of it and then panic, it's maybe because you have just one vision you're rigidly holding to, which is "no tinnitus or bust." Terms like "final recovery" and "100% habituated" are hanging artificial and domineering terms over your head, and definitely not contributing to a relaxed state of being.

The fact that it's lessened to begin with is VERY positive. If you have some little bursts of tinnitus, the thing to do is have a strategy in place for when they happen, so you still have a sense of control. If you can imagine yourself bigger than the tinnitus (which you ARE, since you are a whole, vital person, and it is, at this point, a smallish lingering thing), then when a bit of it shows up, you can take a breath and flick it away and see yourself riding PAST that moment, and on to the next moment.

If you can work more on the obsessive thinking, and less on the tinnitus, that will help BOTH.

And the obsessive thinking needs to be let go of ... unobsessively!

In other words, try to take one big deep cosmic breath (or several ), and tell yourself that you are allowing a vast amount of space back into your life which will be filled with all the things that got pushed to the side during this past 18 months. On to the next 18 months of your life, and the next, and the next.

It's more a matter of letting go of the need for absolute control in life. Which none of us has, even though we like to believe it until life presents us with something like this. But is life worth it and wonderful even if we DON'T have absolute control? Sure it is! And you know it!!!

The best to you!

 

Yes, but have you grown from the experience? Did you become a better, stronger person? Did your life philosophy change for the better? Did you get out of your comfort zone?
Anxiety seems to be your problem and that's treatable to a large extent.

 

You can have mine. It's reactive, multiple noises, totally whimsical, extreme loud and unmaskable.

I give you 48 hours after that you'll laugh about T that's only perceivable in silent places.

 

Wow I am sorry to hear that. I hope things get better for you. Can I ask what drugs you have taken to treat your emotions?

 

Hi @UKJon,
You are doing really well so count all the positives how far you have come.

I would see about more counselling to help deal with your anxiety and emotional reaction to your sound or worrying it might get worse.
All counselling is good but each one can help put over their support differently and worth another shot as your tinnitus is mild but your reaction to it is stronger .
You will habituate in time but 100% cure might be 95% cure and thats got to be better than nothing so dont set your goal to 100% as might have to live with 5% that is still good.....lots of love glynis

 

You seem to me like a nice guy, but if I must be honest you post made me a bit angry.... not because I do not like you but I know a lot of people on this forum would swap your T with theirs.
If you have to look for it in silence....you almost have no T at all. Your reaction to it is very bad, but that seems more like an OCD thing. Your obsessed about it.

A part of me want to say.....man shut the f$%# up and go on and enjoy your life because if you react like this with low T you would go bananas with T only at level 4/10 and there are people with even much louder T.

Another part of me says.....Everybody can use this forum and if I never had T and suddenly I am hearing a sound that does not belong in my head I could freak out. So I understand you in that regard. I also understand your panic because I have OCD myself and I get anxiety from breathing or blinking or what ever. We cannot choose how our mind react on some things.

But know this.....you have T that most of us want to have and can say WE ARE CURED.... So from my side if I am honest I can show sympathy and I mean it , but believe me a big part of me also thinks "Your lucky as hell it is this low and stop coming hear and enjoy your life. Perhaps on this forum you are the on with the most silent T and you act like it is the end of the world."

I do not care what anybody else thinks and perhaps there are more who think the same as me...but I do not care... I had monster T that you did not want to have and I freaked out and came out of it ....still working on it, but I am at a much better place. So get a grip on this because if your T would be really bad you would completely freak out.

You have an anxiety problem you should address and CBT can help you in that for sure , so you can enjoy your life fully again. But I do not see you as a victim of T. But I understand you anxiety problem regarding it.

I hope you get well soon (1 part of me) ..... now get of your ass and do something about your reaction because your T is nothing you can not deal with , because you even have some control over it (other part of me)

 

@UKJon,
PM me anytime you like or happy talk with you on the phone anytime if still have my number....stay strong you are doing really well and so proud of you how far you have come.....lots of love glynis x

 

Well I can't say I disagree with the second to last post. Perhaps I deserve it. But we all have different anxiety thresholds and mine is very low. My panic attacks and suicidal thoughts are real though like anybody else's. But you're right. I am an obsessive and should be thankful it's not worse. I'm highly strung and little things make me 'jump'. I've always been nervous.

As you say, we don't choose the brain chemistry we're born with but my suffering is very real to me and believe me, I have put in an enormous amount of work over the last few months to get better and 'get a grip'. But sometimes it does feel like the end of the world and I don't have many people to talk to face to face so I come here.

Battling the mind is exhausting and this is my third breakdown and was caused by the stress of caring for my mother at home for years then losing her in Dec 2014.

 

Hey UKJon
Please don't take this the wrong way but what I think you need right now is a nice pleasureable hobby to take your mind away from things and believe me it's great for clearing the mind.Whether it be buying an old car to fix up or an old boat that you can take for fishing trips in the summer just something to focus your mind away and give you something to look forward to.Like when this car is fixed up I'm going to take a long nice cross country drive in it or after I get this boat fixed up I'm going to take it on fishing trips with a few friends.This all might sound crazy to you but I thought it might help.

 

Bud I'm not trying to be cruel when I say this, but from last December when I was completely fine I am now battling pain hypersensitivity - pain like you wouldn't believe, some kind of weird problem I've now got moving my arms and legs properly after I took a Tylenol (paracetamol) of all things and Tinnitus.

If all you've got is mild tinnitus that you can only hear when it's very quiet look yourself in the mirror and think I am seriously seriously lucky.

 

Hi @UKJon,
Never let anyone put you down and always be so proud of yourself how far you have come.
I'm so proud of you.
Stay strong and positive you have gone through so much and come through the worst and better times will truly follow...lots of love glynis x

 

I'm sorry, I really don't mean to be cruel - I wish you the best man I really do. You just need to recognize though that honestly if that's all you've got then you should consider yourself lucky. It might help if you think of it that way.

 

With respect and care for everybody, I'd just like to share that I've worked in healthcare for years with children and even though I've worked with families where the kids had the most severe physical disabilities, I've also worked with families where the kids had mild physical disabilities.

I won't say "comparatively" mild. Because that's my point: Each person is a complete individual. Their discomfort level counts, in their world, because it's what they have to wake up with each day and deal with the best they can, given their situation and circumstances.

So I gave my wholehearted equal compassion to ALL I worked with.

If we get into "comparing" distress levels, we could also say that NONE of us have it as bad as a person living in a war zone or refugee camp, or even a person living in a war zone or refugee camp with tinnitus. It wouldn't make a tinnitus sufferer feel "better," nor should it, to say, "Hey! Get over it! You don't have it 1/10th as bad as a tinnitus sufferer who has lost their home and family and now lives displaced in a refugee camp!"

I'm not trying to make any discord here. (I'm a peace lover. ). I also understand how frustrating it can be to suffer something severely. Just sharing something I learned years ago in a philosophy class in college: that people do best when treated as individuals, and not compared to others, or grouped according to external classifications.

And that said, my whole heart goes out to everyone here. This forum is a place for people to come and share. Sure, baseless complaining could get old (but the occasional rant is just a healthy venting that this forum also supports). But everyone copes differently and asking for some helpful comments here on a hard day seems fine to me.

 

I can completely relate. Really it isn't what we're facing but how we feel and respond to those things. I read things online like,"I had tinnitus constantly for a couple of years but never thought much of it" or"I thought I might be losing my hearing so I finally went for a test and learned that I lost half of my hearing." I can't imagine being so calm. I was at the drs office the first day my T started. I can't imagine being one of these people. Then again, it must be nice to be that calm.

 

When I was little my mom wasn't exactly good at making me feel better. I had some horrible things happen to me as a child and when I confided in her, she told me about her experiences that were quite awful and told me mine wasn't nearly as bad and easier to get over. This has caused me a a lot of issues throughout my life, having my childhood trauma seem dim compared to others experiences. My T was not nearly this loud when it started three years ago and I've had to go through it pregnant to top it off. But having an intusive noise in your head at any level plain ass sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, no matter how minimal. It's scary as hell having something in your head that you have very little control over.

I do agree therapy is in order here. I need to talk to someone!! And I'm sorry you're suffering from this and silence is no longer an option, as it will always be there. If it is quieter, maybe habituation will come easier for you and in less time. But find a someone to talk to. Friend, therapist, and fellow sufferers.

 

Ok...
For the people criticizing him... All If you have heard about the people who get loud T and never think twice and just deal with it.

He might have compromised coping skills that could have started before he could have any control over it. Combine that with T it's FUCKED.

I do recommend he see an amazing therapist that can help him through this and realize how is past is making this so hard.

 

U.K. Jon what I have been told by many doctors is that EVERYONE has t in a very quiet environment if they listen for it. You have just found it and made it louder by focusing on it

 

Hey Jon, sorry man didn't mean to be cruel, I'm just going through so many things right now as well as T that I'm being a lot less understanding than I would normally be.

When I hear people complaining about somebody cutting them up in traffic or something I just want to say, do you have a serious health problem? If you don't then you have nothing to complain about!

It's just that you realize when you're going through some really serious stuff that the really important thing is that you've got your health.

What I'm trying to say is if you've just got really mild tinnitus that most of the time you cant hear at all then dont let it beat you, if you do start to panic then maybe go for a walk so that the T is gone again, so you're kind of in control of it again. I think a big part of T is not just it's horribly unpleasant sound but the fact that your not in control of it.

All the best to you mate

 

Don't worry folks. I think it's about time I had some feedback like this to be honest. I'm sure there's no malice intended but I'm an obsessive worrier. What else can I say?

 

@UKJon,

Brother, if I had your level of T, I'd be booking a trip to someplace nice and partying my ass off!

 

@Pb1 I sure do get what you're saying about the whiny type of complaining that is rampant in this world! I've worked for thirty years with kids who were born with very involved physical disabilities. Whenever I hear people in the grocery line complaining about having to wait a few minutes, or people who drive around and around the parking lot looking for the closest space (unless they really need to, for a hidden medical reason, so I don't really judge!), I think to myself, "C'mon. Really! It is a PRIVILEGE, not to ever be taken for granted, to be able to walk across a parking lot and stand in a grocery line on two healthy functioning legs."

I often imagine that if there were some form that people who rely on wheelchairs and walkers could fill out, which said, "I will wait on the longest lines and park my car at the far end of the lot for the rest of my life, in exchange for the use of my legs the rest of my life," they would ALL sign up.

So, yeah. Health issues surely do matter and make us so much more grateful for the things that are all right. As well as giving us a clear perspective on what is petty.

 

@Pb1 I hear you. I had this customer come in and start crying about a return that I couldn't do for her. I thought to myself, " aww but do you hear silence?" I was so angry that she was crying but then I remembered she could be going through so something bigger than that and it's everything is falling around her. At that point I did the return for her. She started crying again and said she needed this. I see people complaining all the time and I get so jealous of what they are complaining about, I'd rather have that then this. Yes mine is mild ( knock on wood) but I still take this very hard. But coming on here helps me out dearly so thanks

 

Jonathan dont feel bad, i know some people here have it worst.
but this is a support forum and we are here to support each other.
obviously the big problem here isnt your T, its your anxiety.
i can totally relate to you since i been having anxiety and panic attacks for long periods during my life.
actually a few days before my t onset i was living with a lot anxiety (i wouldnt use stairs or get off the bed.. since i was completly sure i was having a heart condition) thats why i feel my T is anxiety and stress related ... anyways.
i believe that the first demon you have to battle is Anxiety, my psychotherapist HELPED ME A LOT!!!
go to therapy, work on your fears, take the power out of the big A and tinnitus.
you can do it

 

Oh yeah it's so annoying isn't it when people are just complaining about things which are absolutely nothing. The couple in the room below me were arguing a few days ago and she walked out on him (quite rightly in my opinion and he was all oh this is soooo bad, my whole life is over.

It took every fibre in my being not to yell at him to stop being a soft waste of space and realize he had nothing whatsoever to complain about. I have to remind myself that only in December of last year I was getting annoyed cos somebody used the last of the cappuccino out of the machine at the supermarket and I had to wait a few minutes while they filled it up. Oh man what I would give to be able to go back to those times. I would gladly have 30 years chopped off my life if I could just have another 5 of full health.

 

Yes. You just need more time. All consuming anxiety, terrified, scared that things would never improve, panic (so much so that I would wake with uncontrollable shaking - which made me even more scared because I couldn't stop) - all these things and more describe how I (and I'm sure many others) felt too.

I was a total control freak pre-tinnitus with a personality as far from anxious as you could get. Tinnitus turned me into an emotional wreck. My friends couldn't believe how nervous and scared I had become.

But time heals. It really does. I'm back to running my company and I don't wake up shaking anymore. There is still the (very infrequent) odd day when I feel just a little worried by what the future T may be like and I still have the odd 'duvet day'. But - life is good again and I'm back to worrying more about the children than me - which is the way it used to be

Try to read less about T if you can. I spent two years reading everything I could get my hands on but 'letting go' of the need to think about reasons for T/cures for T etc. helps to reduce the anxiety. Acceptance is so hard but it can help - it really can.

Good luck Jonathan.

Click

 

Am I right in noting that many of us seem trapped in something akin to a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder like state, while the stressor responsible just barrels on dragging us along with it, chipping away a little more at us each day? There's a circuit we get caught in of anticipating recovery only to see it dashed the next morning, a grief and loss for who we thought we were, a hypervigilance that was never there before making us fearful of the unknown around every corner (or supermarket aisle), the hair-trigger catastrophic thinking that invades our minds everytime there's a change in tone, volume, intensity etc., the feeling of not being taken seriously, or just being tolerated by those who mean a lot to us...the loss of jobs, the loss of friends, the loss of freedom, the loss of simple joys like music, movies, and the apparent disdain and neglect from many in what are supposedly the caring professions. In other words, the loneliness.

I've seen all this and more in myself and in my friends here at different times, expressed in different ways. Jon, I think you are suffering less from tinnitus now and more from the havoc tinnitus has wreaked on your life and soul which cannot be under-estimated. If your symptoms are consistently as low as they now seem to have become for you, then its you who need to start to let go of your tinnitus and look forward, The tinnitus doesn't have you, you have it, and now need to put it aside and lower its priority in your life. That's the new climb I see you at the foot of just now. Its called rebuilding your life and its daunting, but it also presents new hope within the challenges.

How you achieve this? Don't ask me. I'm not where you are yet.

 

Thank you all so much (again).

 

Wow, the fact that you can have anxiety and soft T is amazing. Anxiety acts like an amplifier. Do you realize that if you get rid of your anxiety you could quiet your T even further. Its a vicious circle, anxiety creates T, T creates anxiety. Break the cycle. Get it down to a low wisper and stop thinking about it.
The less you think about T the quieter it gets. I'm sure you know this. You need to look at low T as a blessing. I always see it as a vacation from loud T. Once you start feeling good about your low T days and just accept it, is when you will get better.
More time by itself won't help. You need to change your way of thinking. You can suffer from T for the next 30 years, or you can accept it and move on with your life. I have learned from this experience that anxiety doesn't help anything. Anxiety will give you T, it will mess with your sleep, it has many negative things it does to your body, raise your heartbeat for no reason. At the end of the day, though, it doesn't help solve your problems, it only makes them worst. Really you need to ask yourself, Why have anxiety at all.
Get better.

 

I don't think there is 100% habituation for any of us. There's always those freakout periods of being trapped with the sound.
They just tend to be less and less frequent over time.

You are still obsessed with it. And it hasn't even been two years - so that's normal.
This will come. It has no choice.
Ignore anyone who downplays your level of T. They are fighting their own battles..

Have you tried tones, ala Widex or one of the other ones..? They do help if you give them a chance..

Now here's the rub..
Kinda sounds like you are expecting the T to disappear. That is not habituation. I think that in and of itself is the first thing to accept. It's definitely more like living under an El train or by an airport. At some point the flights just stop alarming you every time...

Hang in there. Time flies. You've done a year and a half and who knows, maybe another year and half you will be habituated..
Good luck..