Considering Ending My Life

It has been 7 months now since my severe tinnitus returned due to being prescribed Tegretol and I am feeling very hopeless. Every waking moment of every day is one of suffering and there is no end in sight. The sad irony of my situation is that my tinnitus was caused by medications that were prescribed to me for depression, yet the result is that I am more depressed than ever and unable to function because of the tinnitus that completely rules my life.

My former psychiatrist was completely convinced I have Bipolar II disorder. I have seen several more psychiatrists since terminating with her, and not one has agreed with this diagnosis. I am so angry that I agreed to take Tegretol, after it was Lamictal (same class of drug: anticonvulsant) that caused my severe tinnitus in the first place. Here is my story for the full details.

The only reason I have not committed suicide thus far is the pain I know it would cause my family and friends. I know what horrible depression feels like and I would not want my loved ones to go through this because of my death. However, I have reached a point where my entire life is one of suffering and it does not feel like one worth living. I have been told that suicide is a "permanent solution to a temporary problem". But this problem seems to be a permanent one. And what am I supposed to do? Turn back to psychiatry? Psychiatry caused my tinnitus, which has destroyed my life. I take joy in nothing that I do and have a life full of pain. Every moment of every day hurts, and it has been this way since my tinnitus returned in June. I was self-medicating with alcohol for several months, but have since cut that out of my life as an attempt to get better. All it has done for me is removed the escape I had from my tinnitus and the suffering caused by it that drinking allowed. My life has been stolen from me, and I feel that I have very few reasons to live, so I am seriously considering ending it all.

 

I truly do feel your pain as my t's were fairy manageable up too around a year or so ago. I went to a head srink and got a proscription for Prozac to try to calm my nerves but the fifth day after taking that junk mj t's hit the roof. So I dropped that stuff like a hot rock! I still have the anxity. I hate taking drugs but what else can one do? Anyway you have a friend here and Please think over your thoughts about taking your life. Jon

 

That's a very good reason. You know that people say that there is no greater love than to lay down one's life for another. Well, in a way that's what you're doing, you're sacrificing yourself for those you love. Sometimes that's all we have to keep us going.

I don't know enough about the ototoxic effects of drugs as far as causing or relieving tinnitus, nor how long the effects can last. Others on this board can help you with that. Please do not end your life. I have severe intrusive tinnitus. I have no family, but my friends (and my senior dog) are reason enough for me to get out of bed every day and deal with this freakin' noise. It's gotten better overall as time has gone on, starting at about eight months into this affliction, but half the time it still drives me batty.

Nothing is permanent until you make it permanent. Give it time, no matter how hard it is as you go through your days. You never know from where you stand right now if something is out there to help you. Give it a chance.

 

Thank you both for your kind words. Things are very hard right now. This was caused by medication so my only thought is that another medication can make it go away. Today has been one of the worst tinnitus days of my entire life so get stuck in the thoughts that the rest of my life will be like this. Maybe it will maybe it won't. I am trying to find the strength to keep going.

 

Hi @cjb2811,

I'm an extremist but I think most psych labels are complete horseshit. I don't dispute the existence of severe psychiatric problems like paranoid schizophrenia, but I dispute the idea that those conditions are helped by the current paradigm of antipsychotic drugs because the data is conflicted at best. So, I am sorry you have been through the pill-mill wringer.

You're dealing with a lot, I wish I had an easy answer for you. I can tell you these things:
* I have loud, constant tinnitus.
* I've been essentially free of psych meds for years now. (I say essentially because I've taken benzos six times in three years, and I experimented with Trobalt very briefly).
* The amount of hopelessness and anxiety I feel about my tinnitus, is less than it was right after I got off psych meds, even though the tinnitus itself has not changed in a meaningful way.

These things are not coincidental.

You need to get much more distance from the drugs to have perspective on them.

There are other ways to change your neurological function besides drugs, including, but not limited, to exercise, meditation, spiritual practices, neurofeedback, and even electrical therapies like rTMS and tDCS. Specifically on the meditation front, people with long-term meditative practice have been shown in several studies to have altered (less severe) pain signaling, and lower distress in relation to chronic pain. (I think chronic pain is a very apt comparison to tinnitus).

I wish I could tell you that this was easy, or that my life was great now and I didn't spend a significant amount of time being pissed off by my tinnitus -- but that wouldn't be true. I'm still here, though. I still have desperate and sad moments, but I also get immersed in things I enjoy doing and thinking about and have stretches of time where I'm not consciously aware of the dog whistle in my head. And, outwardly, my life looks pretty normal. I go to work. I give my wife foot massages. I compulsively play competitive card games.

If you feel suicidal you need support which the internet cannot provide. If you're anxious about pill-happy doctors, try starting with psychologists instead of psychiatrists, or even social workers.

 

Also keep in mind that some people I have communicated with who got T from psych meds did eventually have it become less severe or even go away, but it can take years. Always have hope. Mine hasn't gone away after three and a half years off benzos, ha, but I'm nowhere near as head fucked as I was three years ago.

 

Thank you @linearb. Right now I am on several psychoactive drugs:

• Latuda - antipsychotic for bipolar depression
• Elavil - tricyclic antidepressant
• Xanax - obviously a benzo, which I take for insomnia
• My psychiatrist wants me to start Zoloft to lift my mood but I am wary

The Elavil and Xanax have no effect one way or the other on my tinnitus. It's hard to tell about the Latuda because here is what happened: I was in a very dark depression from March - August because of some legal trouble I had gotten myself into. Before that I was living life to the fullest and was beyond happy and satisfied in my life. I was prescribed Tegretol in June, and after taking it for only TWO FUCKING DAYS my tinnitus was out of control. I went on Latuda in August, and while it pulled me out of the dark depression, my tinnitus came to the forefront. The severe depression was essentially distracting me from the tinnitus, so when the depression partially improved, I became obsessed with the tinnitus, and I regressed back into a depression. It is also possible that the Latuda made the tinnitus worse - it is hard to gauge.

The worst part about all this is that I first developed severe (it was previously moderate) tinnitus in November 2013 after taking Lamictal for only 2 weeks. It endured for a year, during which I was in an incredibly toxic relationship. Following the end of that relationship I really got my life together and made a ton of positive changes, and the tinnitus faded into the background. THIS WAS AN ABSOLUTE GOD-HONEST FUCKING MIRACLE. Logic would say that trying to do the same right now will bring about the same change, but I don't fell I have it in me to do that and I don't know if it could happen again. I have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning because when I wake up all I hear is a screaming in my head.

I try to get by day-to-day, but it feels impossible. Every waking moment is one of suffering, so I just want to sleep. I think I'm going to start drinking again after having been on the wagon for a while, because it gives me an escape albeit an unhealthy one.

And oh yeah, my psychiatrist. I really don't think he fucking gets it. It's very well possible he knows something I don't, but he has largely tried to ignore my tinnitus suffering and treat my depression. Doesn't he fucking understand that the tinnitus is the cause of my depression? I don't think he does. I think I'm wasting my time and money, and I don't know where else to go. Can I make it through a few more days? We'll see.

 

If you need to drink to escape and save your life for now, I say do it, it's no better or worse than taking pills.

Prior to T I was a health nut, now I smoke cigs, eat ice cream, and drink daily. Why? Not becasue I neccearily want to, but becasue it keeps me from putting a gun to my head.

Maybe things will get better and you can kill some of these crutches in the future, but for now, do what it takes to survive.

Take care

 

Did it go back to your normal level when you got off the meds?

 

Hi @Telis,

In some ways I agree with you, but if you look at the list of drugs that @cjb2811 is on -- alcohol is heavily contradicted for someone who is taking any of these drugs on their own. "Do what you have to, to make it through the day" is good advice except when "anything" is something that's going to make your problems worse. And, to the extent that there's a risk of these drugs (especially Xanax) making tinnitus worse, alcohol definitely increases that risk; alcohol itself is also a neurotoxin that can cause tinnitus, so...

@cjb2811 - I'm not a doctor and you shouldn't get medical advice from the internet, so I can't tell you what to do, but, an observation: you're on a lot of different drugs, and you're not doing well. So, the drugs aren't working for you, and there's at least a chance that the drugs are actually part of the problem. For me, the prescriptions were making everything worse in ways I could not understand until I got off all that shit, so, I am biased in this regard.

Please at least consider trying to find a different path, before harming yourself.

Even if you want to try to get off the medications to see if it helps, you need a lot of real world support to do that. But, we live in an era when there is one where there are a lot of doctors who have decided that the pill-mill approach to mental health is not the best way to help people. If you can tell me what city you're in, I can probably come up with a short list of mental health professionals who will treat you with compassion, not steer you towards poly-drug cocktails, and help you withdraw from some/all of these drugs if you wish. (I have a friend who works in mental health advocacy who maintains a list of such providers). If you're not comfortable divulging that, I can give you my friends contact information directly.

You can change your life and improve from where you are. Please try to believe that and have hope. For me, the path was compassion and no pills, but, I'm not saying that's necessarily right for you. You need support, though, a real-world connection with someone who can guide you through this.

 

Many years ago I went through a very dark time in my life. I attempted suicide not once but twice. I ended up in a state run psych ward. I stayed there about a month. But while there one of the care takers, (not a Doctor and not a nurse) told me while were were playing cards one night "Listen, I don't have some fancy degree and I don't know the entirety of your situation but I can tell you this. What ever it is your going through is temporary compared to suicide which is forever. Think of it this way Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a temporary problem in your life." That's always stuck in my brain. I mean while we know about the troubles we have in this life we have no clue what's on the other side of life. Do you really want to take that chance and find out there's nothing but nothing after life. Because as long as humans have been on this earth NO ONE has Proven there is life after death.

 

I doubt people are commiting suicide for the sake of after life or to "check" if it's there or not!

 

Thank you all for your kind and caring responses. The past few days have been incredibly hard. All day, every day I am consumed by the screeching in my head. It has taken over my life. I just have to ask myself, "Why?" and "How can I live like this?" I have so much potential to do great things but I am consumed by the tinnitus suffering and the depression that it is causing. I can hardly even focus on typing these words because it is so severe. Dark thoughts have taken over. My only hope is that at one point in my life my tinnitus faded into the background. On the other hand it has never been this bad. If I am able to survive this and it does somehow improve again I will never again try any psyhoactive drugs again.

 

Please carry on for another day. I was in your position, wanted to end my life...But trust me, living is so precious and so wonderful. There will be treatments for tinnitus in the future, for now you need a treatment plan and some help. We're all here to help and listen to you. PM and I'd gladly help. Wish you all the best

Also, I would suggest a drug/supplement which can increase your GABA , as a deficiency in the GABA receptor is directly related to the worsening of tinnitus.

 

Sorry about your suffering. The quoted sentence of yours is a big reason many of us suffered hell initially. Projecting the future based on the worst time of our suffering is the worst stressor of T, creating untold misery and suffering. It is nevertheless a cognitive distortion generated by our mind which is usually controlled by the limbic nervous system during the trauma of T experience. In CBT, this form of distorted thinking is called Catastrophic Thinking about the future. We need to counter this and not fall trap into it. That was what I went through and had to do, likewise for many of us who have gotten better.

The fact of the matter is that the future is often not as projected during the worst time. I wish I had known that during my toughest struggle. It could have spared a lot of suffering. A few years back I went through 'hell' with my ultra high pitch dog whistle T. It seems much worse than a dentist drill. It cuts through everything. I could hear it above the jet noise inside during flights and even above the sound of the raging & roaring rapids in the salmon rivers I fish.

Worst, as if my sufferings weren’t enough, T was soon followed by severe hyperacusis. H turned all normal sounds glassy and piercingly hurtful to the ears and all sounds seem too loud to bear. I had to wear ear plugs but the plugs blocked off all outside masking sounds, making the T scream so much more unbearable. There is no lesser choice among them and there is no escape. Worst still, being someone suffering with prior history of anxiety & panic disorder, T & H literally triggered and opened the flood gate of hell of relentless anxiety & panic attacks with their own set of horrible symptoms. These attacks combined with the suffering of T & H were so unlivable that I doubted if I could survive them for life. I was turned into a physical and mental wreck for months. It was a super tough time, but I manage to survive and overcome T & H with the help of forum support & learning some insights & strategies. Like many others, I wrote my success story and mention some important points and strategies. For brevity, if you are interested to read how I turn around my life, here is the link:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

I am not alone in getting better over time. Many others get well too and we wrote our success stories. Read as many success stories as you can and you will be comforted that people do get better over time. TIME is a very important factor of success and if you couple it with some successful strategies, the recovery to habituation will even be faster. These stories are full of useful insights and strategies. Just copy success from those who have walked their talk.

There are also newer drugs being tested with good result, such as AM-101 & OTO-311. Good things are on the horizon. So be patient and be positive as much as possible. Don't panic and don't despair. Stress is bad for T. Don’t supply it with its fuel to continue its tyranny on you. Get back to living as soon as you can. Good life can still be back. Believe it and have hope in a bright future ahead. Replace negativity with positivty and let mother time to help heal the body. You can never rule out that the effect of the drug which aggravate your T will dissipate over time. So have hope for the future and hang in there. Take good care & God bless you recovery

 

Xanax SUCKS. I have been on it since 1991. Was on 8MGs daily for nine years until April. slowley tapered down to 4.5MGs daily. Tinnitus came back horribly. Went back up to 5.5MGs daily with no relief. Life is a fucking hell right now. I got rid of it before using my hearing aid masker. I would turn up the masker just loud enough so that I just started to hear it. It started working on my tinnitus just after three weeks. Not 18 months like TRT. I started trying it 4 months ago again this time with no luck. I am in fucking hell. The masker thing pisses me off. It worked so well bfore I purchased a second one just to be safe. Now- nothing. I know it's being caused by Xanax wihdrawal.

 

Gees read much?? Don't misquote someone when you didn't bother to read it fully.
I never said anyone was, all I said was there is no proof something better is there on the other side of life rather what ever it is someone is dealing with in this one.

 

Yet again people are not committing suicide in hope there's something better on the other side.

I'm sorry you had to go through such a horrible time and I'm glad you found strength to continue but we better stop this suicide motive nonsense.
Person who decides to take that step is least worried what's on the other side!

 

Sorry for what you are going through !!
I hope you can get it under control sleeping is also my favorite if I can be lucky enough to it helps just bearly switched from xanax to klonipin I really hate taking meds but I hate not sleeping more !!

 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through a rough patch. It is a rough patch - try to believe that it will get better, because it will. No state is ever permanent. It sounds as though you are stuck in the "feedback loop" that many of us are familiar with - where anxious & depressive states exacerbate tinnitus, and vice-versa.

I agree with what Billie said above concerning cognitive distortions and catastrophising.

Have you considered going to a psychologist for cognitive behavioural therapy? I've heard it can help with some of the negative thinking about tinnitus, which can then help quieten the tinnitus down. If there isn't a psychologist, counsellor or therapist in your area with expertise in tinnitus, I understand that Julian Cowan Hill offers Skype sessions for those not based in London. He had tinnitus himself for 16 years and severe tinnitus for 4 years, so he will be able to understand what you're going through. I encourage you to seek professional help as soon as possible with someone who understands your pain.

Big hugs. We're here for you.

 

I really do appreciate the outpouring of support here. I remained consumed with the idea of ending my life, but do not think I would ever actually do it. I read that suicidal thoughts come about when suffering exceeds coping mechanisms. And that is a place I am right now.

I worked with Dr. Hubbard for tinnitus CBT a year and a half ago. I did not see an improvement in my tinnitus, but to be objective I had a lot of other things going on in my life (from a very unhealthy relationship) that interfered with the treatment. I don't think that route is what is going to help me.

Severe tinnitus dominated my life from November 2013 through November 2014. As I've mentioned, my tinnitus went from moderate to severe in November 2013 after being prescribed Lamictal and taking it for two weeks. Around November/December 2014, the miracle occurred. I made several positive changes in my life and the tinnitus faded into the background. It was still there, but it went from a 9 to a 2 and went from being the dominant factor in my life to one that no longer affected me. I had my life back, and was happier than I had ever been. In March 2015, I fell into a deep depression after getting myself into some legal trouble. As depressed as I was, the tinnitus did not return, which really surprised me. Once the legal situation was resolved and the depression did not lift, my former psychiatrist said I had to be on a mood stabilizer to improve, as she was very convinced of a bipolar II diagnosis. I really should have known better (and so should she) after what Lamictal, another mood stabilizer in the same class, did to me. After taking Tegretol for only two days in June 2015 my tinnitus skyrocketed, and has been at that level ever since.

Objectively, I cannot tell whether my tinnitus is worse now or after taking Lamictal. It doesn't really matter, but I would rate it as the same or slightly worse. However, my reaction to it is much worse. All day, every day is dominated by this screeching in my head. The logic would follow that since I got my life together a bit over a year ago and the tinnitus improved, then that could happen again. But right now every day is so difficult that I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that.

As far as treatment goes, I am in intensive psychotherapy with a new psychiatrist. He disagrees with the bipolar diagnosis (which makes me very frustrated as that misdiagnosis is what caused this problem in the first place) and feels that by treating my depression - through medication and therapy - the tinnitus will hopefully improve. I've realized that I've needed this treatment for a long time, as I have a lot of sadness in me, I engage in self-sabotaging behavior, and a tendency to get into unhealthy relationships. My tinnitus goes hand in hand with these issues, as the suffering from it holds me back in life and it is one of the reasons I stayed in a very toxic situation.

It does really help to type these words out and know that others have been through this. When I woke up today, I felt hopeless. After clearly laying out here what I am doing to improve my life, I have some hope. Things remain very dark, but I do see some light at the end. Life can be so good, so sweet, and I've tasted it. I see friends and family around me with great lives, and part of me knows I can one day have that again. I remind myself that there are lots of people in this world who have severe lifelong conditions, for which there is no hope. I was a Success Story once, I hope I can be one again. It's so helpful to have this safe, supportive place to talk about all this.

For the immediate future I see a few things:

• I'm not going to kill myself.
• My psychiatrist is going to prescribe a traditional antidepressant, not any of this bipolar medication shit that messed me up so badly
• I also suffer from back and nerve pain and was just prescribed Lyrica. It shares some properties with Lamictal and Tegretol so it is possible it could help my tinnitus. I can't see it getting much worse so can only hope that it has some positive effect on my brain that alters the current situation.

Thank you all for listening and I am going to try and remain hopeful. Things are tough right now, and really have been for a while, but perhaps it really is darkest before the dawn.

 

Good to know you have stabilized your emotion. When T brings so much darkness, always look out for the light around us, the little positives in life that T can't touch. Read and re-read the success stories to give you more hope and positivity to solider on. Take good care of yourself. God bless.

 

It *is* darkest before the dawn! Remember that. And without a doubt, anxiety and depression make tinnitus worse. They create a feedback loop. When I am feeling upset or stressed or down, the ringing in my ears really skyrockets. All I can think about is "I hate this!!" When I'm feeling relaxed, happy, calm, at ease - it fades into the background.

You *can* get better. Please believe me. I have a history of suffering with very severe anxiety and some depression mixed in there too, so I know how hard it is. I seriously thought I would never get better...I have taken all sorts of anti-depressant medication over the years...I am a chronic worrier and when bad things happen, it's really hard for me to get over it. Many times I have wondered, why bother, why bother trying when I feel so lousy...I'm cursed...etc. I look back on what I was thinking at the time and realise how trapped in a cycle of negative thinking I was. At the time, those thoughts seemed SO REAL...but I see now that they weren't.

I can honestly say that with persistent efforts to get better, and trying different things along the way I *have* gotten a LOT better over time. Looking back now, I'm glad I never followed through on some of my darkest thoughts. I used to be so bad that I couldn't even work - for nearly a year I was off work. I'm now doing very well in my career and while I'm still a highly strung person, I'm a far more functional highly strung person than I was. I'm a mostly-happy highly strung person! I am also prone to getting anxious from time-to-time, but the things I've learned over the years have meant I can disarm the anxiety before it starts to really affect my mood.

I find that sometimes it takes longer than you would expect to see results with psychology/psychotherapy. I went to a psychotherapist for ages and I felt like I was getting nowhere with it (I have a history of suffering with very severe anxiety and some depression mixed in there too). I persisted. Some days I felt like it was worse than ever and wondered why I even bothered. Like you, there were other things in my life which interfered and made things a lot worse. And perhaps it meant I couldn't take their advice as much...I've also found much better results with therapists with whom I felt a sense of rapport. Also...I've found that the efficacy of the treatment would depend upon how "committed" I was to applying the things I have learned in therapy. It never helped just talking about it - I had to do the exercises given to me to actually make it work. That can be hard to do if you're in a really bad space...

I am so much better now (anxiety-wise). Also, bad things have happened in my life, but somehow I've been able to weather them out in a more constructive way.

Actually...I should mention that one of the things I've found to be very useful has involved reading some really good self help books...that and joining a gym/forcing myself to exercise. Once I read some of these books, all the talking I had done with therapists kind of started to "click" into place and I started to feel better. Some books I have found extremely helpful have included:

- "Feeling Good" by David Burns
- "The Mindful Way through Depression" by Jon Zabat-Zinn
- "The Depression Cure" by Stephen Ilardi
-"Anxiety, Phobia and Panic" by Reneau Peurifoy
- "Clean Gut" by Alejandro Junger (the gut is closely linked to the body's nervous system and is often an overlooked aspect of persistent depression - some scientists refer to it as the "second brain"...makes sense given 90% of the body's serotonin is produced in the gut!!)

Reading these books and doing therapy - implementing their advice over time...being persistent...hearing the voice inside my head that told me "this isn't going to work" or "this hasn't worked" and still continuing to take the advice of experts in the field (even though I really truly believed it wouldn't help me)...it has has meant I'm now off *all* medication and have been for some time. I am no longer depressed and I no longer have social anxiety. That means that my depression is seldom with me.

Tinnitus - I am still working habituating to that and it does bug me quite a great deal. I've still got work to do on "unwinding" and settling down my nervous system. But I think my progress is much better than it would have been if I still suffered the same anxiety I have suffered in the past.

There is hope for you!! Try to stay hopeful.

Big hugs coming your way from me.

 

I forgot to mention - "The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science" by Norman Doidge is a GREAT book if you are feeling like there is no hope for you to get better. There are some really inspiring stories in it and all backed up by science.

 

I have had tinnitus for 50 years and there are bad days and great days but i would not give up one of them , the new my noise tone generator helps me soooooooooo much go in and try the on line noises and this will help and is a world of pleasure and fun You are loved , there is no greater gift.