Feeling Empty

Hey guys, I'm only 15 and I've started realising that tinnitus will be here for the rest of my life, sometimes this really bothers me sometimes not that much, but what I can't stand is this void inside me, that feels completely and utterly alone. And I know I'll be feeling this why for a very long time, because no one around me can or does understand what this is, why it bothers me so much sometimes and sometimes not. And watching my older siblings going off to university, and how they get to go to clubs and socialise, and experience what its like. And I can just never do that. I feel like I'm going to miss out on so much, because of this damned thing because even if people tell me you don't need loud clubs they'll telling me that knowing they've experienced it.
I don't know why I've felt so different and alone lately, so bothered by tinnitus when it hasn't really bothered me for years (not like this) and now I feel like I grew up or something and finally realised what else this means, and the worse part is I feel like no one else understands in the slightest, they don't understand how daunting this feels, how my ears always have some kind of blockage, how t changes whenever it wants, how I get headaches all the time and ear discomfort, and there isn't anything to be done about it. I have to keep going to sick bay and spending hours alone, because I need quiet, (I can't say silence because we all know that will never happen) the people I'm around are all so light hearted, they can just live. No burdens, nothing that takes it turn to torment them when ever their brain wants to suddenly be bothered. My mother tells me how I don't talk to her enough about any of it, but she won't get it and then will be be depressed about it so there's no point. Sometimes I'm really horrible and cruel to my family, and I know I shouldn't be but I get so worked up whenever they are insensitive to what hurts my ears and spikes my t. The worst pat of all of it is I don't feel sadness, i just feel nothing, I feel empty, I've always felt hollow but now its worse. Sometimes I almost cry over it, but I never let myself, I feel like it just makes me weak. And since I don't really cry over tragic things, and I don't cry much it feels selfish and fucked up that I cry over this. I know I sound really heartless, and cold but I don't know how to be any different its just who I am, one time I almost actually completely talked about this with someone and they said why had I given up on a cure, and its because I don't want to be chasing hope for the next 80years or so

 

Bless you duck....lots of love.
You could not have explained it any better how tinnitus effects people and spoke from your heart .
We all understand on here and here to support you always.
I would have a cozy night with your mum reading the replies you get on here and that will help your mum to understand just how tinnitus impacts on a teenagers life and us guys too.
Im always happy talk to you on the phone if in the uk and your mum can talk to me first so she knows I am who I say I am as your under 16.
Life will get better sweetheart and enjoy all that life as to offer.
Dont worry about night clubs just say to yourself you are the better person protecting your ears .
Keep posting on here and Im happy to be here for you any time....lots of love glynis

 

thank you so much its really beautiful to hear it when someone just gets you, I think t just makes us all feel so alone and confused at times, its always nice to know that other people care and are there for you, reading ur reply has really made me feel better thank you so much, I'd love to chat with you sometime, in fact we should open up a group where we can all meet each other or something and sit down and just talk, as for talking with my mum that is still very hard for me because we are so different, she's really emotional and I feel like I can't feel anything, and of course i don't want to upset her.
Thank you for being so lovely

 

I'm 17 and I feel like you a lot of the time... I'm going to the doctors for the first time tomorrow and I hope they can offer some help. You could try going too x

 

Your welcome anytime.
I have been with the British tinnitus Assosiation nearly 5 years supporting people with tinnitus on the forum and phone and run a tinnitus support group with another lady and help on here now also and take calls.
Im 50 with 2 sons 27 and 20 and have a little grandson and work in a school just a bit about me ....
This is a lovely forum and know you will get some more lovely replies.
If you have a phone with apps on you can download a FREE app called Relax and Sleep,it has lovely sounds to help you relax....lots of love glynis x

 

You are not alone. I am so sorry you have to struggle with T at this young age. Heck, I am sorry any of us have to suffer from T! But we must stay positive. Try to calm down and do things that you enjoy...Keep your mind busy. If you can, just try to talk to your Mom calmly. Tell her your ears are bothering you and see if she can take you to an ENT and have your ears check. Start there.... an ENT can explain to your Mom more or less what T is. Like @glynis said, ask her to read this forum with you and get informed.

For now, try to sleep and eat well. I am not sure how loud your T is but, can you mask it with background music? Or fans? That helps me a little. When I am busy I can push it to the background and not think of it.

I do tell and inform all my family members about it. Hoping that the more they know the more they can help me with support and will understand me when I am having a bad day. At first they didn't get it...but the more I pressed and the more I made it an important health issue for me, they finally got it. I didn't gave up... Now they are more concern, gentle and patient with me. A times I think I am missing a lot on life, but actually I am not. I have learned to slow down and enjoy more deeply the simple things in life... enjoy friendships, time a alone, time with family and friends... hobbies..
You are angry and that is ok. I get angry too. Just please try not to be rude to your family (after all, they really do not know what T is.) And do not stress yourself, it is worst on your T. Please do ask questions if you have any. We are here to help you get through this. You will get better soon. Do protect your ears from loud noises for now... Your T might fade away. Do you know how you got T?? I will be praying for you and hoping peace finds you. Big hug.

 

We all understand. T is a very isolating thing in addition to everything else it is. I think glynis suggestion to sit down with your mom and let her read some posts from others on how t torments them will help her understand. I know you don't want her to worry but as a mother I can assure you she wants to help anyway she can, will she worry, yes but she will want to understand and be in your corner much more so and to really do that she has to understand what you are dealing with and how it makes you feel. It might help her to understand reading your words and the words of other T sufferers here.

 

Hey @Georgia

When my T developed I did some crying, and to be honest it was quite liberating... Sometimes we hold too many things inside us and we have to let go in an healthy way, and crying can be very uplifting, so you should not hold yourself if you feel like it, no shame in crying...

I also feel that communication is very important in within a family unit, so they can better understand your emotions and how to respect them and help you when you need to... It is not easy for people without T to be empathic about our condition, but dialogue can help in breaking down that barrier...

And you know you can always find someone in here whom understands you very well..

So I really hope you get better soon.. protect your ears and best of luck !!

 

Hiya thank you for having such a kind lovely response, I have to wear hearing aids because I have an inner ear hearing loss (or something like that) so I can't wear ear protection, I've had my t since I was 8 years old, so I'm pretty sure It won't fade, I had an ear infection when I was 8 and it didn't go back to normal after, I assumed it was that but I've talked with my ENT and people who are looking into my case they said it is very unlikely that was the cause, my mum knows I have tinnitus but because I've always been the most 'closed off' out of my siblings and the least openly emotional, I don't talk about it. And my mum is really emotional and I'm just not, it can be hard for us to connect, she even said I'm more like my fathers family who are cold, and because I find openly showing emotion, or even feeling quite hard I don't think she'd understand how I can almost feel empty about it, and feel so lonely yet feel almost nothing. I'm really weird person, even though my siblings can be cruel like me, they actually feel hurt and upset where I just don't feel like I can feel much.
Thank you so much for replying to me and being so kind

 

Hey Its really nice to hear from people in my age group telling me how they get what its feels like to be soo isolated and alone especially in social situations, Please tell me how the doctor went
I have to go and see ENTs and Audiologists a lot so if you have some questions let me know and I'll see if I can answer

 

Thank you so much for reading and spending your time replying to me it really shows how many people get me, and how despite how I feel I'm not actually alone I don't want to stress my mum out and I've always been the most emotionally independent of my siblings so I'll be fine, also the problem is I feel so empty and I guess I need to go on a path alone to feel at least half full again. The weird thing is I'm so passionate about debates and issues, but I can't feel the same about what's close to me or what's bothering me, it just makes this void. Thank you again for replying xx

 

Thnx so much for sharing this, Its never felt like a good thing to cry, physical pain can make me cry not often but it can, but emotional hasn't ever been something I'm good at, I've always found it awkward talking to non T sufferers about T I don't want them to look at me like I'm pathetic or weak I guess. And it feels wrong talking to them, I hate the way they moan about frustration, my sister was telling me how she was fed up of the ringing in her head that she got from a club (which has gone now) and I said 'Don't you dare start going on about that you don't know the half of it' another time she said to me 'Can you be quiet all I want Is silence.' I just snapped her 'You want silence? that's the story of my bloody life.' I love her so much, and we are really close and I'm still so cruel to her.
Thnx for replying all the best xx

 

I've been battling physical pain for 10 years, it rarely brings me to tears. T brings me to tears often so don't feel bad if you need a good cry. It is ISOLATING and exhausting when we are strong with our friends listening to them drone on and on about a cold that lasts a week but if we dare say something about our suffering they do look at you like you are a baby complaining about a sound. It is not in your head, it is a very rare person who can understand this unless you have lived it.

 

Im 42 and when it gets tough I curl up in a fetal position and sob in my mum's arms like a baby.
No shame in feeling bad, we are only humans!

 

Hey @Georgia

I guess being cruel is something siblings do from time to time to each other, my brother and I did that too in the past.. I see it just as another way to show we love and care for each other...

And you don't seem to be so cold and heartless as you say you are by kindly responding to all of us reaching out to you... Remember our minds and bodies change every day, tomorrow we will not be what we are today and what we were yesterday.. Everyday is a new beginning where we chose what we want to be..

By the way T can make us look weak sometimes, but on the other hand I think it makes us stronger everyday..

Best of luck and take care of yourself and your ears !

 

@Georgia I am amazed that you have such a mature understanding of your situation and therefore I think you will be absolutely fine in the long run. We have all felt as you do at one point or another but the key really is acceptance. Once you stop worrying about T being here to stay, you can really put a foot forward on the road to habituation. That's what happened to me and I'm 21 So you seem to be miles ahead of where I was when I first got T. I've felt close to crying on various occasions and it's a hard battle but, like I say, you will be fine because you are strong and show a level of maturity that many people of your age don't show.

If ever you need to talk to someone, drop me a message on here. You're never truly alone, as bad as it may seem.

I wish you the best and all the luck in the world that your T will go away.

Alec x

 

Hello guys,
New on this forum, took me a while to sign up, but I think it's for the best. Normally, I wouldn't consider talking about my Tinnitus a good way to 'feel better' about it, but I think it's time I wrote down how I feel. I can relate to this thread as I'm currently experiencing a severe bout of 'emptiness' or at least what I perceive this state of mind to be. Not entirely sure it's all because of my T spikes, but confident (as usual) that it plays a significant part in this vicious cycle. I myself am a 21 year old student, and my tinnitus initially started during first term of my first year at uni. I will not go into details as no one here (understandably) wants to absorb so much information in one go, but I will say this: when it worsened unexpectedly one morning back in late December 2015 I felt a kind of panic and angst unequalled and seemingly terrifying. Of course, my conscience knew it wasn't something serious happening to my body or brain, but in that instant I'm sure many of you felt something along those lines. I fell into what I to this day call a 'depression' (even though I have a naturally anxious and self-confessed pessimistic individual) for what seemed like a good part of the year 2016 (although there is no clear distinction in beginning/end of it) but I can say that my second year at university began with a much more optimistic outlook. However, just as many of you here, I have to contend with the presence of this inexplicable phenomenon inside my ears (and/or brain??) day in , day out. My family has been somewhat supportive, but they cannot possibly grasp what it is to have constant noise and fear of excessive noise itself. And that is okay. It is my burden, but being a highly sensitive individual, I cannot help but feel very deeply about this (What will my life be like? Socially? Romantically? Professionally?) if I cannot 'get a grip' so to speak and not try to overthinking all of this. Even though I suffer from a tremendous lack of confidence and self- love at times (yes, first world problems!), I firmly believe that I deserve to not let T take over. And I wish the same for all of you wonderful people here (whoever you are). All the best,
C x