For Those of You Not in a Very Nice Place Right Now...

...I hope this helps a little

Hello everyone, for those of you who don't mind a long post, please read on. I write below about what I think about getting back my life involves, and what it means to me. Hope some of you can identify with some of it and take something from it.I realise people have all different levels of tinnitus/perceived loudness of it/varying reactions to it and so forth. And so what I write here will probably not apply to some; probably the complete opposite. That said, I wish everyone here all the very best, and I hope you can all find comfort soon.

In the early days I found it tough, like most of us do. I promise you it will and can improve. Allow yourself time to mend, and allow for good and bad times. I felt like I was clinging to the raft in a stormy sea, but I never thought of letting go. I remember walking around a busy shopping centre where I live once, and people were everywhere. In amongst all that, there was me, alone with my thoughts, my loneliness and despair. Tears were streaming down my face, I felt unbearably alone, then I reached a point when I had to ask myself: "This can't be it can it? Surely this can't be it? This isn't how it's supposed to be." Am I really here? After that I never got that low again. Because I was ashamed I had felt that way over a noise in my head.

Well most of you will probably think or say this to yourselves at one point. I have read so much about this habituation thing; this Holy Grail for us tinnitus people. Why isn't it happening for me? Am I going to be one of the unlucky ones who doesn't habituate? Everyone else is coming on in leaps and bounds except typically yours truly. Holy grail? More like a poisoned chalice! Habituation is just a word, and when favourably stated can mean "I still hear my tinnitus, but I really don't give a shit about it anymore". That statement was always my aim and a mantra of sorts. Simple as that. Make it yours.

That is indeed a very common way to think about this, and it is the way forward I think. Tinnitus can take you to places mentally you never thought possible, just like those dreams you are not supposed to remember, or when you are in a secluded place and you catch someone in the distance out of the corner of your eye. You look again and they are not there, if they were ever really there at all? Then right at a certain point you will delve deep into your subconciousness, and remember something you wished you hadn't. But like all things, and tinnitus included, it will become a distant memory for a great deal of you. You'll cease looking for 'cures', you'll have no need for forums, and you will look back and think to yourself. " why did I continually beat myself up about a damned noise?

Look at what you are experiencing now as just a phase in your life that you are going through. A trial of life if you will. When you emerge from the other side of this, you will deserve a thorough pat on the back, and you will be far more mentally resilient as a result. Normal day to day quibbles will be shrugged off easily without giving them a second thought. Tinnitus, when successfully managed, makes you a lot tougher I think. Maybe you are thinking the complete opposite, but you will come to realise the validity in this statement after a while.
Ask yourself this:
1: Is my reaction to tinnitus worse than the sound itself?
2: Am I going to let a harmless biological noise which I have wrongly made my enemy, going to dictate to me?
3: Why me?

Strive to answer the above questions like so:
1: Yes it is, but I can and will be able to change that by the way I think about it.I must try to remove any emotional significance to the noise, so it, in time becomes emotionally neutral.
2: I may do at first, and at certain times, but ultimately NO !!! I am better than this. I will not always be its victim.
3: Why not me? Shit happens,so time to act and take steps toward the mental healing process.It won't kill me, it doesn't hurt me. It's a sound. The more I deny it the more it will want me to listen to it. And most of the time I create the monster it is because of my misguided fear of it. We do it to ourselves. We find the positive way to react to it in the end, it was always there and we just had to find out about ourselves a little more.

Contrary to what a lot of people think, tinnitus does get better, and so do you. I obviously cannot speak for everyone, as there may be physical/medical reasons as to why this may not be so. But as long as you don't start standing by noisy industrial machinery and standing in front of the monitors at concerts with no ear plugs in etc... get the picture? In the early days I never used to think things would improve, but after a while I soon found out this to be quite the opposite.
People mostly just need a virtual hug, and some sympathy from their fellow kinfolk when their T is playing up. We are in this together; we'll get through it together.

You can quite easily go away thinking you are stuck with this for life, NO YOU ARE NOT... Please pick and chose what you read if you are of a fragile disposition. Trouble is, like most things, you have to sometimes sift through the bad to reach the good...
Some people indirectly make no attempt whatsoever to get better and make things easier for themselves. Living your life exactly the same as before you had tinnitus will not work. They then blame other people or criteria because of it. Take sleep for example: You lay down to go to sleep for the night, and twenty minutes later you are getting into a state because you are not asleep. "Oh it must be this wretched tinnitus then. I'll blame that". Then in creeps the anxiety, and perceived volume, compounding things even more and then getting worked up about it. Now maybe that person might not even be tired in the first place! That is how a negative seed is sown. Tinnitus, irrespective of perceived volume itself is not enough to keep you awake; it's your thoughts about it thus amplifying your reaction to it. Thoughts can be changed, which is part of habituation. So replace that thought with " well I can't be that tired, maybe I should read or listen to the radio for a bit, or get rid of some pent up sexual energy. You fill in the blanks!". So no need to always make it about the tinnitus. Awareness is the amplifier!

I am not in any way decrying tinnitus, as it has my utmost respect. Because I know it can come and kick my wretched arse when I am not expecting it. I don't fear it anymore though, and when I stopped fearing it, things changed. All the periods of deep worry, anxiety, spike frequency and depressive episodes were all borne out of fear and the questions asked by myself continually. They always turned out to be baseless, during a time when the constant need for reassurance was high on the agenda.

But when you to come to learn that tinnitus is not your enemy, you will set out in a more favourable direction.Your brain hasn't turned up the volume and made you perpetually aware of tinnitus because it doesn't like you. That I am sorry to say is an indirect and involuntary product of your own doing. I don't mean that to sound harsh. But only YOU make yourself feel the way you do about it. Which in turn stems from your personal interpretation of what tinnitus means to you, and how you deal with it. And with many of us, thinking that way is not any of our faults. A bad seed is possibly sown shortly after your initial visit to your GP/ENT, when they say those magic words ..."I'm sorry there's nothing we can do, you'll have to learn to live with it". Sound familiar? I remember walking away after hearing that, and I felt that my whole Universe had imploded.

The strange thing is though, albeit not assimilated at the time, that it is 100% a never more truer statement. Once you learn to live with it, you pay it about as much attention to it as the toes on your feet. T does what it wants to whether we like it or not. So why react so strongly? Yes it stinks I know, but the reaction and the accompanying worry are a waste of your resources. For instance:You have a bad day, you muddle through it feeling like absolute shit. Well what exactly is new? You have had bad days before, came through them, and went on to have good days. It's all part of the unpredictable Tinnitus behaviour patterns. Expect it, resist it and ignore it the best you can. Look upon a bad period of T as a storm, and all storms pass.

To actually define habituation is not something I can do, as I cannot speak for others. As it can influence a wide array of outcomes, and mean different things to different people. But to me it means a peak and trough type journey, a weathering of storms and getting to know my strengths and weaknesses. Not fearing silence anymore. Not avoiding everyday unavoidable noises, wrapping myself in cotton wool etc. Being able to close my eyes and not be bothered about tinnitus because it is my friend now, and I like my friends. Not avoiding doing things I liked doing/eating because I thought it would make my tinnitus worse (as avoidance is also tinnitus related). And realising I am still the person I always was before tinnitus tried to break me. I'll emphasise the word 'tried'. As it tried and failed.

Habituation is not supposed to be a race, as people can become quite disheartened if they haven't attained a certain mindset within a given amount of time, regarding their thoughts and management of their tinnitus. It is a journey, a very personal one in which we all travel independently. But once started we never ever give up and throw the towel in. We have to learn to ride out the storms sometimes, and through that know that there will be times we are surfing the waves when things are good.

If you read on forums that people are doing well, and turning a corner with their T, be happy for them. Don't say to yourself " you lucky bastard" and feel a resentment toward them. They have had a tough time getting to that point. And take heart that you will be writing down your own success story in due course.

Now... how you navigate these obstacles will define you ultimately, as you get mentally stronger. Try to build a picture or a visualisation of yourself in the not too distant future, of being surrounded by everyone and everything you love in your life. In a favourite place with a massive smile on your face, because you'll then know that everything is right with the World. Your path is laid out in front of you to reach that person, to get to that place with those people, because that person is not a stranger anymore, it's just someone who lost their way a little. That person is you. It's not unattainable by any means. Just when you think you are as far away as you can possibly be, you will have probably taken a step closer ! Then all of a sudden, a euphoric switch clicks on in you, and you'll know you are on your way having just turned a corner!

I tackle tinnitus and will continue to do so with a mixture of the physical and spiritual means. As people who know me say I am quite profound and analytical, and prone to dwell on things too much. But never underestimate the power of your spiritual side. As for me it became another arrow to a bow I never thought I had. That alone as helped me personally. And as I mentioned before, it is a journey, we are all different but as long as we get all there in the end, then that's all that really matters isn't it?
Thanks for getting this far

All the best for 2018............Make it yours

 

This is such a good and rational post! You describe the journey so well, and also adress the spiritul aspect of tinnitus and life itself. When I first got tinnitus, I was an absolute mess. I wanted to kill myself. But you know what, I felt thd same way before T. So even though T brought me to my knees, I am now really working on myself, trying to find my way. Not back to the way I was before, but an even better version of me. A stronger more confident person. I will get there. I have been there in the past months.
This is by far one of the best things I have read on this site. And I wish it was more visible Thank you !

 

Anthony this made me cry. I’m so down today, I have other medical complaints as well as T. What a wonderful inspiring post from you.
Eve

 

Hi Kirstine, I am glad you took something from it, and thankyou for reading it all! I have just read through it, and I never realised it was so long!

You've hit the nail on the head when you say you are becoming a better version of yourself. You are getting stronger everyday, you may not realise it, but it's all part of the cycle and mental healing process I believe. You will get there, but please take on that board these things take time. Just relax, lose the fear and find yourself again. Let it go; and it lets go of you.

I too have 'shed' my old self and I have changed in a lot of ways. I actually quite like what I am becoming, and I am embracing what I am becoming.

Someone said to me in the early days that I have probably got tinnitus for a reason. I never really caught on at the time what that meant, and now it all seems so perfectly clear.

Never look back, and I wish you well...

 

That is true. The reason is generally hearing loss (even if not noticed via a hearing test), but there are other possible reasons too.

 

That is so true. This is the hardest situation I have ever faced. But it really forced me to look at my life in a whole new way. I have the flu at the moment, and my ears/head are all messed up. So it's a rough time, but i have learned it will settle back down.
Thank you for your well wishes, and right back at ya.

 

It could be true because if you have some hearing loss, you are more likely to hear internally generated sounds because you hear less external sounds to mask them.

BTW, I also believe there is a spiritual dimension to T, well any form of suffering really. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

 

Seriously very good post. I agree with every single word.

 

I had flu twice in 2nhalf months of T and my ringing went crazy. I was really scared that it wont settle down but it did. So, I stopped panicking like before and stopped being scared of the sound 80%,

 

Couldn't have said it any better myself, kudos to you on your excellent post

 

It's not just that. There's an actual maladaptive plasticity change in the brain that creates zones of hyperactive neurons in order to compensate for the loss of signal, like increasing the volume on your amplifier when the input signal is too low. That's a common outcome for sensorineural hearing loss, but T can have other sources too, especially when the nature is conductive losses or when we deal with objective T or pulsatile T.

 

I bekeve it’s the same amazing plasticity of the brain which eventually causes it to rewire itself, so you don’t notice T or even pain so much once it stops treating it as an initial threat.

 

Thanks for the post @Anthony13!

Loved reading it.....It's actually made me feel somewhat better about everything

Michelle

 

Very uplifting post Anthony13 . Love to read these positive post . I know with time , I pray ,we all achieve what you have done.

 

Excellent personal story Anthony. Thank you. My path was very much like yours. I had several unfortunate bumps and mountains on the journey but I got back on my path again.

 

Just remember Eve, that the tears are only temporary. And that all tears are just traces of memories...

Hope you feel better soon

Hi Michelle, it pleases me that you realised something beneficial to you from reading the post. Hang onto whatever good you took from it and use it to strengthen your resolve.

Tinnitus, when you first experience it, is like a dirty, soaking wet trenchcoat. Make it become a satin second skin, and learn how to wear it...

 

Hi Rajin, I appreciate your comment.

I'm not there yet by any means, but my days are a lot more easier than they used to be.

Just try to think about things differently, and you will unlock things about yourself you never thought you knew.

You'll get there don't worry...

Great to hear Starthrower, and thanks.

Good to know you have 'turned that corner'...I wish you well for the future

 

Anthony, I've been told by family that I tend to be a deep thinker, over think things, etc. You take that to whole new level, or make that altitude. However, congratulations on whatever works for you!!

With any luck the rest of us will find better ways to cope or habituate. I'm trying a thing or two myself right now. If successful I'll certainly share.

 

Hi Anthony
T is a challenge, no doubt about it. I habituated years ago and then life carried on. The new noises due to setraline are really horrible but I hope that in time I will get used to them too.
Very tiring to get through each day though.
All the best, Eve.