Giving Up — I Just Can't Live Like This Anymore

I just can't live like this anymore. My tinnitus is awful today, my head is buzzing, my ear is vibrating. This is torture I can't get used to this. I had so much planned for my life but tinnitus stole it all away. I was going to college to become a nurse, but now I don't know how I'll be able to handle all of the work and studying. I had a 4.0 GPA and such potential. I wanted to marry my amazing boyfriend in a few years and eventually have children. But this has all been ruined. I'm a ghost of my former self.

I wanted to be strong and beat this but I just can't anymore. No one understands. My dad has Meniere's so he also experiences T but says he never thinks about it and that mine can't possibly be as bad as his and mine will go away. My mom and boyfriend think it's just my anxiety playing tricks on me and that everyone has some tinnitus. If I do poorly in college my parents would never understand and I would be wasting their money and I already have.

I was already extremely depressed and anxious before this bout of extreme T and oh the irony that I got it from taking a week of lexapro. I just can't handle this pain every second is almost unbearable and now the T seems to get worse and worse. I can feel it and I even heard it over the shower today.

I don't see it ever getting better for me.

Thanks to everyone who tried to help me. I hope there's a cure one day no one deserves this. I'll try and hang on for a few more days and see what my doctors say but I'm not sure after that.

 

What have you done to diagnose your T so far? (especially tests related to your hearing apparatus)

 

I've had two audiograms both of which came back normal from two different audiologists. Tympanograms came back normal besides the fact that I feel intense pressure in my ears and can't pop them.OAE was perfect. I also had an MRI back in 2011 when I had my first bout with T which lessened to the point where I barely noticed it and it was fine.

The only thing that was abnormal was the ENT said my jaw was really inflamed and it hurt very badly when he touched it and put pressure on the joint (didn't bother me much before though so maybe it's a coincidence or he's just looking for something to treat). He gave me a week of ibuprofen which actually took away the vibrations in my head which is the worst part. He thinks it could be TMJ but if my jaw isn't in intense pain could it really be causing these ear symptoms? I've never heard anyone's T go away after Tmj treatment. I'm going to see a tmj dentist and the ent one more time and then all my hope will be gone because I know they're going to say everything is fine and I'll just get used to this terrible affliction.

Personally I think taking lexapro caused this intense increase in my super mild T and the regret I have from that is very intense. I want my old life back. I want to be depressed about getting a bad grade or having a fight with my boyfriend. I don't want to be depressed about never being able to hear silence and feeling like I will constantly be tortured by high pitched shrieks and head vibrations at only 20. I've been off the lexapro for two and a half months so the hope is lost there.

 

Many people get better after a couple of months or one or two years. I told myself that I will wait for 2 years and if it my T doesn't get better by that time, I would be committing suicide. It had been more than 6 months since the onset of my T, and I am no longer suicidal. It might be a good idea to postpone going to college by a year, but it probably makes sense to postpone suicide too and see whether you can habituate and be like your dad.

 

Have you seen
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/spontaneous-recovery-stats-over-70-recover-3-studies.21441

 

I think postponing college would be a good idea as well but I'm in a program so if I take a semester off or something I probably wouldn't be let back in the program and my parents would freak out. There's just so much pressure on me from everyone and I can't handle it no one takes me seriously they think tinnitus is a joke or something that can be easily ignored. I love my dad and he's great but since he has menieres and gets intense vertigo episodes where he can't even move and has lost 60% of hearing in one of his ears he thinks I should just be fine since I only have T and should be grateful. And Im so grateful I don't have hearing loss or vertigo but he also didn't develop this until his 50s so he got to experience his youth and young adulthood free of T. He went to tons of heavy metal concerts when he was young and said his ears would ring for weeks and never cared. He doesn't get how awful my T is and how I think about it every single second I even dream about it. He tells me I just need to snap out of it and take control of my life but it's just so hard for me. I just keep crying all the time missing my old life.

I want to believe I will recover but I didn't even have an acoustic trauma and I already recovered once so what are the odds I can do it again? I'm just terrified of my future! Why isn't there a cure for this?!

 

When you feel suicidal I think it's better to give it time and re-assess the situation when you gain some more perspective. Lets say 6 months or so at least. I understand full well feeling suicidal over tinnitus, but you don't want to make any impulsive decisions while you are at your lowest. If you are feeling acutely suicidal seek help.

 

How about CT of your temporal bone?
Blood work?

Doesn't this seem to be a clue? You have a symptom, you take an anti-inflammatory, and the symptom disappears... coincidence?

It's always possible, but the odds are small, and the odds of T sticking around after you discontinue the meds are even smaller, but obviously even very small odds can be enough to catch you, so it could be that but I'm not sure I'd stop looking elsewhere.

You know, there is really no "good age" to get T. When you get older you have to deal with other types of problems in addition to T. The problems don't get any better with age...
However, to the extent that T can often impair someone's cognitive abilities, an impact earlier in life means it will affect the learning phase and/or the working phase of life - and I do admit that it's probably easier if you get T when you can afford to not work anymore (i.e. retired).

 

You are young, so you might have a good chance to live to see a cure.

@jjflyman had recovered once. He says he is well on his way to recovering a second time.

Show

"I have tinnitus and I want to die"

to your dad. It is a clip about a woman who got a doctor-assisted suicide as a result of tinnitus, in Netherlands. I recommend that you NOT watch the clip yourself, though.

You can also show him the many threads that you can find by going to
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/search/1772934/?q=suicide&o=relevance
Your dad ought to know that everything depends on volume and pitch. If his volume were to increase, or if his pitch were to change, he would stop being so easy going about his T too...

 

If you used to be an A student, perhaps you will be able to maintain an average high enough to stay in the program. And there is a chance that having to study will help you to take your mind off of T.

 

There are a few examples of some people's tinnitus either disappearing or at least improving with TMJ treatments like splints, physio, chiro, etc.. There are some I've read not only here but on various different forums. It's a strictly 50/50 chance from the sounds of it though so it's one of those... don't put all your eggs in one basket kind of thing. I hope you feel better.

 

Youre not alone. Weve all been where you are now. Ive uttered the very same phrase many a time ( I cant live like this). Just when I thought my life was over, here I am today about to tell you that I have habituated to the point that t doesnt have a grip on the way I live my life anymore.

I am sorry your t is awful today. It is really hard to not focus on something that is bugging you so much.

Your life is not over. There is hope.

You will manage your studies and clinical placements one day at a time. You can do this. I returned to work 2 weeks into my t onset (I am a midwife). I didnt think I could concentrate, but I managed. It was actually good to get back to some semblance of a routine, and to socialise again with my colleagues; and of course, the mums and their babes.

Your potential and your future has not vanished. You are going through a hard time right now, but you will learn with time and support here, to move forward.

I know t changes people. I am one of them, but I dont think it changes the core of who we are.

You dont need to beat it. Yout just need to go easy on yourself, and deal with this one day at a time. Some times, it will be moment by moment. That is ok and normal. Eventually, moments will stretch out into days into weeks and so forth......Next thing, you will have your life back.

We all understand here. So, hanging out here is a good place to start. Ive not necessarily found others with t to be all that sympathetic either; depending on their own journey with t.

I presume youre no longer taking the lexapro? What are you doing to help boost your serotonin? I bet you havent sleep well with all of this going on. Can you work on improving your sleep?

Problem with t is the more we listen for it, the more conscious of it we become (that is my experience of t largely anyway) Maybe see if you can find some distractions to give your brain a rest from listening to the noise?

FYI, my t is very intrusive, and like you, can be heard over the shower. I think this is related to its frequency, rather than just the volume. Could it be possible that your t frequency has changed and that is what you are perceiving as a spike?

Do you have anyone to talk to ? A friend, teacher, family member?

 

I'm so sorry about your T
All of us here know your pain,. 10 months ago the T in my right ear had such a loud pierce in it I would swear it would never get better. But it did, and still improving. My T was caused by noise from a concert and people screaming near me.
My T has improved about 80% now. T can be caused by many reasons, and it looks like you think medication may have caused yours.
I have seen information about Wellbutrin antidepressant causing T, and in some cases it can take months for it so fade even after taking the drug for a short time.
My point is, your are putting too much pressure on yourself about your college. I know when I got my T, I could not think of anything else. For what its worth, I think you should just take care of yourself right now, postpone college, lay low and ride this spike out for a few months. IMO your T will be significantly better in 3-6 months. Just lay low for a while and please give it a chance to resolve itself.

 

I know exactly what you are feeling. I'm at the same point in my life at the moment. I have T. from TMJ and it's worse than ever. Yesterday and the day before i had pretty quiet days but now it's screaming in my ears. I woke up at 4am and couldnt go back to sleep. my jaw is completly out of whack. I can't even smile, and talking is exhausting and painful. I have T now since march and it is just not getting better. Everytime when i have a low T. day i think it's fading. and than the next day it's back with a vengeance.
I have no more energy to live my life. I'm in a very very dark place.

 

I just noticed this in your post. Pressure and fullness in your ear can cause Tinnitus. I was having the same problem and found this little device that really helped with getting my ears to pop.

https://www.amazon.com/Eustachi-Eustachian-Tube-Exerciser/dp/B00XQBR6GQ

I started using this and felt better almost immediately.

 

Does this also work for ear pressure caused by tight muscles?
My ears pop because of my jaw muscles pressing on them

 

I don't know. It shoots a small burst of air into your Eustachian tube and allows the pressure to equalize. My ears felt full, slight pain and crackled when I swallowed. This helped a lot.

 

Like everyone here has already said: We've been there. I also thought my life was over. I still have bad days here and there, but for the most part I'm living exactly how I did before I got T. You need time and most of all - changing your attitude. "My life is over" attitude will only lock you into that state, once you are being more positive you'll notice big differences.

 

What do you think are the odds that she will follow your recommendation?

 

I highly doubt that. Its maybe the initial anxiety which is the culprit or just something else.

 

Please do not give up on this precious life u have, we are all somehow managing, getting through another day....u can still go to school and still get married! Mine started 20 days before my wedding and was so intrusive...It got better...for how long, I'm not sure but I'm thankful for right now.

 

@jadebug I'm so sorry you're going through this rough time. So many here have been where you are. Knowing that I'm not the only one always made me feel better!

However, I think your dad is right and I know that's hard to hear. Maybe leave the slightest, tiniest opening that he may be right, and all you need is time. I know it's hard when our anxiety is running the show and calling the shots. Never a great place to be. And the anxiety has a convenient ally in the T, which makes it all seemingly okay.

If I were you, I wouldn't make life long decisions based on how crappy you feel right now, because I know you don't believe it, but this will pass.

Here are a few things you could try if you feel like it:

• Spend a day off the Internet. 24 hours. Give yourself a break.
• Do one thing you used to do before you became consumed w/your T. Read, research colleges, chat with a friend, go for a walk, basically take a vacation from T. Your mind and body are waiting for you to do this; they are tired of it too. However small, even just for 5 minutes, reengage in your life.
• Sure, maybe postpone college; lots of people do. But you don't have to.
• Do whatever you can to address the anxiety and relax. If you don't want to be on an AD - although I wouldn't rule that out in the future when things settle - go out and walk, run, exercise, meditate. When you're back from your Internet break, research relaxation techniques or alternative/natural ways to deal with anxiety.
• Another thing to do when you're back from your internet break, try to stay on the positive / success stories on TT. Ignore the rest for now. Have you read @billie48 's famous post below? https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

You've got lots of fantastic advice on this thread from people who are exactly where you are now and feel better. Hard to believe but true. Hang in there and feel free to email me anytime. xoxo RM

 

I haven't watched it. I just read its description. So if she is anything like me, she won't watch it.

 

@jadebug
Welcome to the forum. Like others here, you have my deep empathy for suffering badly with your new T level. Many of us have been where you are. Don't panic nor despair. T is not an end game. Feeling suicidal is actually quite a common thing for many new T sufferers. If you read the success stories you will know that many people went through hell with T initially, and many confess that they had suicidal thoughts, myself included. So you are just being normal in this. Very few people would do the unthinkable though. So hang in there. Don't rush things.

That kind of feeling will subside as time goes by, especially if you adopt some helpful strategies, CBT, mindfulness, TRT, etc., etc. Many members write their success stories after some time, myself included. I was in a mess initially with ultra high pitch T and then severe hyperacusis, and relentless panic attacks. So life was very dark and I was feeling suicidal too. In fact I literally searched youtube with words like ‘near death experience from suicide’ to see what people experienced after their suicidal attempt. Their universal report of horror story on the other side told me that suicide won’t solve anything but deepens the suffering for them and their loved ones. I didn’t want to take the risk of a one-way ticket and then realize the huge mistake of suicide. So I told myself I would stay put to fight this T devil (and H too for me) while I am alive.

I read so many success stories to give me hope, particularly from those posters who seem to have worst condition than me. I found the inspiring story of Zoe Cartwright and Melody Gardot, two young ladies who have more severe T and other challenges much worse than me. I mention them in my success story to use them as my guiding lights. I tried to learn from others how to cope with their severe T long term. I copy success by applying their attitude and their strategies. Then I give myself and my body time to heal and to adjust to the new normal of life with T. The rest is history.

At my wrost time, I never thought good life would be back, but here I am today living a normal, productive and absolutely enjoyable life. I am vacationing often, something I never thought I could do again. So never give up hope. I invite you to read my success story in which I share some helpful strategies. Also read up as many success stories as you can to give you hope. Your new level of T is relatively new. It may fade over time or disappear. Even if it doesn't, you can still habituate to that over time. I never believe that initially but now I am a believer like many others do. I am sure glad that I didn’t proceed with the suicidal dark thoughts initially. You don’t have to die. T is not an end game and suicide won't solve anything as the T bully wants you to believe. But it will take some time and patience plus learning some good strategies. Take good care. God bless your recovery.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

It is very important not to rush yourself with tinnitus. The suicidal mind will find the quick way out very tempting. But T is really not an end game. It seems to be at the beginning. Don't listen to the dark thought. It will pass. Our perception of T will change over time. You can read about such change of perception all over the success stories. Here is just one illustration of how desperate some new members are, a desperate post from Neenie who changes her perception of T over time, from suicidal to don't care a dime about T.

When Neenie first posted here, she was so very desperate and panicky, depressed and questioning the value of living on with her severe T. She started a thread 'Tinnitus has taken my life away':

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-has-taken-my-life-away.2737/

after a while, more desperation post about T not improving and not habituating, and crying over T:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/why-wont-i-habituate.2785/
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/always-crying.3251/
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/the-nature-of-habituation.3303/page-2#post-32375

Now the turning in perception and tone about her T:
Mental illness and tinnitus

And her triumphant post over her T in a Christmas message:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/merry-xmas-members.7343/

@jadebug, I hope you will hang in there and learn some good advice from others. You sound much like Neenie when she first posted about her T. You don't have to end it all. Neenie is no super woman and many recovering members are not bionic. We all suffered a lot and were suicidal initially. Try not to rush yourself that T has to be gone or else.... Try give yourself time and be fair with your body. It needs some time to get used to T and to heal itself. Your spike may fade and your good life can be back. You are a 4.0 gpa student so you do better than me. I am a mere 3.91 lol. You can outsmart T. It is a mental game/battle with the T bully. You can beat it by giving it time and learning/applying some success strategies that you will learn from others. The bright future for you is waiting for you. Believe it. Take care. God bless.

 

So MANY of us feel like that @jadebug , eh... @Bear0211 ? Xx

 

Thank you so much to everyone who replied! I am overwhelmed and touched with all the support and advice you have all provided. I will keep trying my best to deal with this condition and hopefully this increase will subside! I will keep everyone updated and will be sure to post a success story when the time comes. I'm still terrified and at this point feel like I'd rather quit and stop suffering but I can't do that to the people who care about me! And what if my T goes away in a month or I habituate in a year and love life again! I at least have to stick around and see the possibilities. T could even have some reliable treatment in upcoming years or a cure. Last night I just felt especially down because I was having a terrible spike in my new T and was so scared of the way things were gonna go. I'm still scared but at least I have hope. Thanks again everyone.

 

Sorry I have the wrong link to a different post of Neenie. Here is the correct link to her Christmas greeting with her success story. It is a far cry from her initial days of despair and desperation. Enjoy her positive words of triumph over her T:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/merry-xmas-members.7343/

 

There is truth in their thinking although they may not understand the true mechanism how this can affect the mental processes in the brain when it comes to processing the tinnitus ringing stimulus. Too much anxiety can trigger the limbic nervous system which is in control right now causing us to be very scared and anxious of T.

Being so scared or anxious of T initially is a very normal reaction of the body trying to protect us from harm and danger. We are often very scared when T is new because T is both an alien sensation and a new ailment to your body. Our brain doesn't understand T and doesn't know what to expect. Failing to shake T, the brain just reactions in trauma and shock. Your limbic nervous system kicks in overriding the normal parasympathetic nervous system and you function in fight or flight mode, the defensive mechanism for a human in face of a danger. The fight or flight center, the Amygdala, in our central nervous system is in control now making every sensation quite acute and intense and you easily succumb to fear and worry as that is how the body tries to protect you. It tends to tell you to be aware of the threatening object which in this case is the new T or new level of T. That is why we tend to monitor T non-stop initially and can't seem to help it.

Try remaining calm and positive as humanly possible as you can. By being calm and positive, and be more accepting of the new normal, by educating ourselves more about T (like what you are learning by joining this forum), and by doing some relaxing or interesting activities or by going back to living life again, our brain will have a better chance to restore the normal parasympathetic nervous system, and the pre-frontal cortex will take over processing the T ringing stimulus from the scare-crow center, the Amygdala. One of the functions of pre-frontal cortex is to suppress the fear reaction. It will also let you handle other negative reactions/emotions more normally.

This process is similar to a child being afraid of the dark because of not understanding what it is all about. Fear sets in and stress builds up and the child cries to get help and to relieve the stress. Later on and growing up the child learns more about the dark and the fear fades and no stress/fear will be forth coming to trigger the limbic system. Likewise with our tinnitus experience, our brain needs to take time to understand T more and be more hardened to it so the fear reaction will subside. This process takes time and may take learning some good strategies. People tend to get better in 6 months to 2 years. So it is worthwhile to wait it out while maintaining calm and positive plus using some other helpful strategies such as CBT, TRT, Mindfulness etc., etc.

 

I feel for you very much. I hope things get better asap. Since you are in such a dark place right now I'm going to share a study with you but I kind of feel somewhat uncomfortable about it. It is a case study where a man supposedly got tinnitus from generic Zoloft (an SSRI in the same class as Lexapro). He ended up taking generic Remeron (an antidepressant) and it went away. I have no idea if that drug would help you or even if it is a good idea. It's something you would have to weigh the risks with the doctor on. Also, Remeron can increase a lot of people's appetites as a "side effect". With my tinnitus I had to take Xanax or klonopin and was able to get my T to calm down but I probably shouldn't have used it every day. Huge mistake on my part. Is should have used it as needed. Anyway, the article is here:

https://www.hindawi.com/journals/crips/2016/1790692/

I am showing this to you because you are in such a dark place but I usually I try to avoid anti-depressants if possible.