How Long Do I Have to Wait Until I Can Kill Myself?

Hi,

So I would like to end my life. I am very calm writing this. it is not just a bad day. I have been thinking about this every day, and I have a plan how I will end this torture.

Now my question: I keep reading success stories, and some say they were suicidal in month 1-3 but after 5-7 months they feel much better and not suicidal at all because they've habituated.
I dont see that happening for me. I have been depressed even before getting T. I dont have an aim in life nothing I want anymore.

Please dont be like "you are going to be ok" . No I am not.
so how long do I have to wait? I thought about waiting another 10 months because then I will have T for a year, and then it will be considered chronic. My ears wont heal. i know that for sure. i damaged them too much, believe me.

I am only 20, I still have to go to uni, find a job...find a husband get kids and raise them. At least that was my plan before T. But I cannot concentrate at all.
So yeah. No sense. But I dont want to hurt my parents.....
I just want to end the pain but I think I need to set myself a deadline

 

Did you look into the information I sent you via PM some days ago...?

 

@Zora. I cried for you reading your post. I have chronic, incurable, intrusive, reactive and very loud T. I haven't exactly habituated, but I try not to let it get to me, by distracting myself when it seems unbearable. I wish I had words of comfort for you, all I can say is don't let it beat you, don't let it win. You are young, with a future ahead of you. It's not the end of the world, T won't kill you, and you (please) don't think of ending your life. It will get better, if the T doesn't, your perception of it will. Masking for me doesn't work, but does for most, but doing something which I have to concentrate on often does. Try it... There are some lovely people on here who can advise you more than I can. Good luck X

 

Wait a minute. There are things you can try to do in the meantime to reduce the perceived loudness of the the tinnitus (if not even take away the perception of it) and also calm you down to the tinnitus to where it doesn't bother you at least most of the time. For example, go to a hearing aid place, get your hearing checked usually for free. If you have insurance go to a place where they can do a full hearing and ear evaluation. If you have hearing loss let them correct your hearing, put a hearing aid on you and walk outside or see if you can go to a restaurant where there is ambient noise. Most of the time you will not perceive your tinnitus. You can also get them with built in maskers, apps for smartphones, and bluetooth to stream music. They are really cool, can be very small and covered by your hair, and have made a bunch of progress just in the last few years. If you still are being bothered by it there is supplements you can look into that calm you down, or do cardio exercises, and if that doesn't work, you can go to a doctor to get medicine to help calm you down (and may reduce or get rid of the perception of tinnitus). Lots of things you can try!! Also, don't forget if you have trouble sleeping just get a nice indoor fountain for your bedroom that will relax you and block out the T

By the way, if you were depressed before tinnitus, that could be making things worse. You might try going to a holistic doctor or a regular doctor for help.

 

Zora,
Please see your doctor and tell him how you are feeling and what you are thinking about doing.

Tinnitus can be mental torture and for someone so young the future can seem so hard to go through.

Your brain and your reaction to the sound will lesson over time and even if hear the sound you won't feel as bothered by it when feeling at your best.

Eating healthy,sleeping well,dealing with stress will help and support for depression with talking therapy and medication will help and you will become stronger.

See if you can have hearing aids to help you.
We are all here for you and don't worry about the future as we adapt along the way so for now it's best to get all the support you can.

It is a tough road when tinnitus is intrusive and wish I had a magic wand but sending you lots of love and hugs....glynis x

 

Hi Zora
I dont really know but I think things can get a lot better fr people. Last week I just wanted to not wake up. I didnt want to hurt myself. I just wanted to keep sleeping forever. The noise is constant and it has hollowed out all my happiness and dreams. It feels like a nightmare most of the time. But yesterday I sat with my mum playing a word game (to keep my mind off things) and for awhile I simply did not notice the horrid T. I am stll not sure that want to live but this break frm T gave me hope. It was just 15 minutes but I hope it will get longer and longer.
Looks like you have not had T for long enough to habituate yet and are in similar boat to me. Give it time may be. Thats what I am trying to do and keep busy.I hate gardening but have volunteered to do all the gardening jobs just to keep busy!
I cant know what you are going through exactly but I think I have a quite good idea from what I am going through. Please hold on if you can. I dont know you but feel you are someone kind with lots to offer and would be really missed.
Take care Zora.
S

 

I agree that he should wait and try different things, but do any of those things work with high frequency T that is not accompanied by hearing loss. Especially if you have H as well. You can't just amplify the other sounds around the T to mask it.

 

It took me about 6 months to get rid of suicidal thoughts and about 1,5 years to habituate to the level that I started living somewhat normally (doing things I used to do).

So if you really have to... IMO you should set your "deadline" somewhere around year 2018.

And tbh, if we are lucky AM-101 will be out in a year so at that point your T is somewhat fresh still so you may get some permanent relief from it. And I see you live Germany so you should be able actually to participate the trial and get it sooner.

I think @attheedgeofscience already mentioned that in his PM to which he is referring in this thread.

 

@Zechariah I already got declined from am 101 because my T is not explosion induced
@SeasideSarah thanks but I cant walk without pain atm. i have problem with my feet and the doctors also cant help me with that

 

I can tell you about two " feelings ", one is thinking you want to die and believe me i have been there,the second is actually feeling you're going to die.The first feeling is nowhere near the second feeling.We tend to think we know how we feel,it's just not really as important as actually facing death. ( i have felt this for 2 weeks,Tinnitus is bad I understand but believe me feeling you're going to die is torture beyond the imaginable)

Listening to my T makes me anxious and afraid of the future,but i know my past wasn't that great either and gave me something to hold on to.September 2009 was bad,so was July 1999,hoping 2019 is 3 times the charm?.

 

You only have T is no reason for such despair. There are people far worse off.

 

This is a fundamentally irrational question, and not a good one to ask the internet, at that.

My own experience is that crippling depression and anxiety which predates tinnitus can none the less be significantly improved upon after getting tinnitus.

I still struggle with lots of stuff and have rough periods, but the amount of time I have spent thinking about suicide has decreased steadily over the last five or ten years.

You have to figure out why you're still here at all if things are as bad as you say, and then build on those reasons. If you can get to a point where you have some good days, moments of happiness, laughter... that will go a long ways towards making the darker times easier to tolerate without having to resort to suicidal ideation as a way to pass the day.

 

@attheedgeofscience , could I get a hold of that info too? As I got this same issue on the same date as her basically and we are in the same boat.

Someone linked me to your thread. Basically we are in the same boat. Both got this in our 20s and both during December. Long of the short, I wish I had solutions but not sure I can help you . Other than to say I'm going through the same issue and also thinking of ending it. I guess we could both get married and survive this together lol? Who knows, might make a good couple understanding what each other is going through.

Anyhow, have you had your hearing checked? I have heard that if you have hearing loss hearing aids can help make the noise go away somehow. I don't know if I will ever take that route and I may be leaving this planet soon anyhow. I was someone like you who had my life ahead of me with a finance job and going for a cs degree.

Anyways, sorry you are having to experience this too.

 

You're clinically depressed and it is distorting your thoughts.

You need to seek professional help ASAP.

When you feel better, you will be glad you didn't take any steps to hurt yourself!!

Please - get some help.

 

I agree with you, had panic attack at the beginning of my T, I could not control, needed medicament.

Panic attack is treated with antidepressants which removes bad thoughts uncontrollable.

 

Sounds like a chore.
Anyway, to answer your question, I'd say stick around for another 50-60 years, then go for it.

 

I agree! Life is short so it'll go by quick.

 

@Zora. No one can crawl into your head and whisper the answers to your questions. I wish I could. Your life is yours and only yours. What you do with it, is for you to decide. Will you get better, will you get worse? There are no crystal balls, no immediate answers and no immediate treatments for T.

We all dangle on a thread, waiting for medical relief, a Godly intervention, or an end to the tormenting and monotonous life of T. Will we get it? Will we awaken tomorrow and life will be back to normal? Nobody here, can make that prediction. Nobody!

The answers you seek, are deep inside you and will provide you a course of action. Will it be meds? Will it be psychiatric help? Will it be patience, fortitude and time? Will it be your own death, at the age of 20? You chose the road you go down. However, chose wisely and consider all the options, before you do. Some choices can provide hope and enlightenment. Only one choice, provides no hope and no future.

Peace to you Zora!

 

@Zora. No one can crawl into your head and whisper the answers to your questions. I wish I could. Your life is yours and only yours. What you do with it, is for you to decide. Will you get better, will you get worse? There are no crystal balls, no immediate answers and no immediate treatments for T.

We all dangle on a thread, waiting for medical relief, a Godly intervention, or an end to the tormenting and monotonous life of T. Will we get it? Will we awaken tomorrow and life will be back to normal? Nobody here, can make that prediction. Nobody!

The answers you seek, are deep inside you and will provide you a course of action. Will it be meds? Will it be psychiatric help? Will it be patience, fortitude and time? Will it be your own death, at the age of 20? You chose the road you go down. However, chose wisely and consider all the options, before you do. Some choices can provide hope and enlightenment. Only one choice, provides no hope and no future.

Peace to you Zora!

 

Why do people keep mentioning to take AD's for panic attacks?If anything AD's usually take time to work
and build-up a certain level of it in your blood.For more acute suppressing anxiety/panic attacks you're better
off with Oxazepam or any other Benzo for that matter.Never heard about AD's helping with acute anxiety.

Edit:
Just to be sure i looked it up,AD's are beneficial after long time of use,Benzo's are more helpful during an attack.Judging my past of AD's i wouldn't recommend using them solely for anxiety or even T for that matter.
They work for depression and i guess combined with T that could be of some use,just don't expect you taking an AD will prevent an acute attack or even take the edge off.

 

You say you don't have an aim in life, yet you had a plan before T. It sounds like a good plan to me, something that will lead to a life of contentment or happiness, filled with challenges and problems but also filled with joys and achievement.

How long to wait before heading to the other side? Give it 3 years. I'm not saying 3 years to get used to tinnitus, because you're in the first few months which are god-awful. I'm saying set aside your thoughts of suicide for 3 years, and go about your life as if you're someone who wants to live. You'll get your ability to concentrate back. You're asking too much of yourself. It's only been two months that you've been dealing with a real trauma. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself a break, just like you would a friend.

I totally understand aimlessness. I go to bed every night and think, "This is all so stupid." And every morning I wake up, the tinnitus kicks in, and I think, "Oh, gawd, there it is again." But I do my best to be productive and be kind to my friends and help dogs find foster homes. And that's what keeps me going.

Edit to add: You don't want to hurt your parents. Your suicide would destroy them. I've seen the light totally go out of parents' eyes whose child has committed suicide, and that light never came back.

 

All my panic attacks were due to negative thoughts, I never had spontaneous.
The medicine (oxalate of escitalopram) is inhibitors selective serotonin reuptake, suitable for anxiety.

 

You may think that you want to end your life, but the fact that you've posted about it and also given it the condition of a deadline are big signs that you don't really want to take that path.

As others have said you are clinically depressed and need to see a doctor. This clouds and changes your thoughts. You can't see a future because of your depression, that's what it does to you. You can learn to live with tinnitus in future but depression is what's really doing this.

We can help and support you with coping with tinnitus and perhaps mild depression but we can't do much with with a real deep depression like this other than beg you not to do this. A doctor can help you, and if you're going to kill yourself what do you have to lose in trying some more? What's the worst that could happen? It doesn't work and then you do it anyway? Not much different.

What other results are possible? A full and happy life.

Don't let depression make you take the quick route with no chance of rewards.

 

Interesting, in a way there shouldn't be too much difference in damage regardless what is the source (explosion, gun shot, extremely loud music).

 

Don't even consider this.

You have T for only like 2-3 months as I see. It took me definitely about 6 months to get used to this shit, wouldn't say I habituated but I stopped freaking out about every tiny spike, new sound etc. But already after 2 months or so I decided to get out there and live normal life no matter what.

It is often repeated here and I can certainly confirm - if you're busy you don't notice T or at least not so much. I had many days where I was completely busy, realizing I had T only in the evening right before bed and even then just falling asleep from being tired.

 

I had slight suicidal thoughts when my tinnitus started. I was also pregnant with two other small children so that wasn't and isn't an option for me as much as tinnitus threw a wrench in my life. I had panic attacks, I was depressed, I couldn't eat or sleep. But you know what? I'm going on having tinnitus for maybe 4-5 months now and honestly it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to. I still hear it but I just don't have time same response to it that I did before. I guess I've habituated to it somewhat and you can too! It really does happen.. I never thought it would happen to me but it did and sooner then I anticipated once I stopped obsessing about my tinnitus . Please do not think of suicide and instead seek help for your depression. There are treatments out there which may help your depression and in turn your tinnitus.. Also. Mindful mediation has been life changing for me, if you can find a local class or teacher to help you practice I would recommend that.

 

Second Natalie's suggestion of mindfulness training.

 

"How Long Do I Have to Wait Until I Can Kill Myself?"

1. Are you 100% sure that you tried EVERYTHING? The new medicine, available in 2018, have you tried? If not yet, we can wait for it together.
2. Will you accept to die for nothing? Or maybe you want to help us, the rest of this "tinnitus team"? If yes, go and be a test person for a new medicine.
3. Did you fill up the donor card? Basically, only your ears/part of the brain are defect, the rest of the body is good, isn't it? Why wasting it?
4. Are you sure that nobody will cry for you? Are you sure that nobody will get hurt if hou die? Think about that.
5. All your dreams in your life... did you fulfilled them? For example, I don't want to die until I will cross USA, Europe and a part of Asia by motocycle. The noise of the motocycle engine will cover my tinnitus, so it will be a win-win situation.
What are your dreams for this life?

If you did all this already, I guess you can jump of a building now. Or... how will you end your life?

 

Sorry that you are struggling so hard, @Zora. I am with other on this about suicide ideation. If you are at that point, do pick up the hot line, go to ER, or whatever your city can provide to help people in dire crisis.

We are trying hard to save you here on TT but you are the one who has to believe that tinnitus is not everything in your life. Most of us had suicidal thoughts, some repeatedly but very few would do it. Why? Because T is not an end game. It seems like it at the start. Why I know it? Because most of us, myself included, had thought that no way in hell is our T survivable from our initial T trauma. But we now know it is a big lie from the T bully. Many of us prove that we can live a normal or even a happy life again after some time. That is why we are talking to you to let you know because we have walked the talk. Let me share my experience below on how I dealt with my suicidal ideations during the toughest and darkest time when ultra high pitch T & severe H plus relentless anxiety and panic attacks overwhelmed me.

I am someone who has been converted to the power of positivity. So suicide is not something I like to talk and dwell on. But since this is a serious subject here and a dear member's life is at risk, I will reveal my own story a bit about the subject and hopefully it will help someone to change his/her mind about doing the unthinkable. This is a personal thing and I don't mean what I feel or believe means anything to anybody else. People are free to choose what they think is best for them.

A few years ago when severe T & H hit me suddently, like some severely struggling members, I was entertaining some very dark thoughts too at the beginning, because it was not only the severe T & H which haunted me daily, but also the relentless anxiety and panic attacks triggered by T & H and the PTSD I suffered due to witnessing the tragic accident of my only son at 5 years of age. He literally died in my arm. So my nerves were weak before T and depression was never too far. So T&H plus relentless panic attacks & depression are absolutely horrible. When these negative emotions and sensations came on auto mode daily, sometimes hourly, and my will power failing to stop them, the only option for me was drugs. I thought if drugs could not stop the attacks, then I would be most likely a dead man, to the point that I decided to check out the stories of people with near death experience due to suicide. There are many of such stories. You may want to check out youtube by searching on 'near death experience by suicide' to hear from those who came back to tell their horror stories on the other side.

So from that I came to the conclusion that I would rather soldier on, as hard and impossible as it may be. Being a Christian, I consider not just this life, but what may come next. I would rather endure a temporary hell and give my body time, as much time as it needs, to be able to handle the horrible sensations. I read the stories of Dr. Nagler, Kevin Hogan, Paul Tobey, and members of various tinnitus forums, and saw that many of them take some time to turn around, 6 months, a year or a few years.

So I formed my own 5-year plan. I thought anything which can hurt me so bad that I have to think about doing the unthinkable better prove that it can continue to hurt me 5 years continuously before I concur and submit to its will. I need to fight back at least and not bow to this bully. But before that 5 years are up, I wouldn't care less what the darn thing would do my body. I would live as abundantly as I can, ignoring the pains, worries, horror sensations, drugged if I had to be, and I would live my life as I will, as I please. Some call this approach of living 'Find Joy Amid the Pain'. And let's see if I live like that, co-existing with the sufferings, that my life would still be not worth living. I bought "The Power of Now" from Eckart Tolle to learn the idea of being transparent to sufferings, and develop my own concept of being a compost to benefit my love ones,lol. I was armouring myself up for the long battle with sufferings, at least for 5 years. Also, who knows in 5 years, the medical world may catch up on us and as you see there are now a few viable treatments out there.

After 5 years, if nothing improves and the medical world still can't stop my sufferings, I would embrace the ideas of climbing Mt. Everest, or trekking to the North Pole, or doing sky diving or biking around the world, or wading across a flooding river while fishing or venturing & surviving in the wilderness in our wild Canada. Yes, I would do dangerous stuffs I would never thought doing (like Rose of the Titanic, LOL). Whatever power wanted to take me, it would have to do it this way, with me taking risk but enjoying my life doing things I love to do or doing things I never dare doing before, and not with me kneeling, begging for mercy or crying to no end to this T bully.

That is just me and my way of dealing with the darkest time in my life and I imply in no way that is the right or wrong way of dealing with this. This is very personal and I wouldn't reveal this kind of secret thinking without an important reason. But if it helps some of the suicidal members here to change their minds, so be it. It will be all worth it. But honestly, in my case, the T bully couldn't hold up its tyranny on me for 5 years, not with me living abundantly regardless of T and practising 'finding joy amid the pains', my new motto. T is now just a paper tiger. The dog whistle is still there but I don't give a damn. I live my life a happy man, whistling merrily along the way and the heck with T. It can go to hell. I kick its A*&$#SS. Here is my success story. Please read through it and see if it can help you in some way. Take good care. God bless and whisper peace to your troubling heart.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/from-darkness-to-light-how-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

The brain isn't fully developed until about 26