I Can't Fulfill My Life's Purpose...

I feel broken and unable to fulfill my life's purpose. Im tired of crying everyday, every year is harder then before, and my tinnitus gets worse. I hope everyday that today is the day, someone accidently crashes into my car, someone murders me, or a terminal illness develops in me. My body has run out of energy and my mind has had enough after 7 years, I lost who I am, I dont even recognize myself anymore. I wish I could be aborted, I've never wanted this pain to end so badly like I do right now. Im scared for tomorrow and everyday after that. Everyday seems surreal, I sometimes cant believe tinnitus exists, its so horrible.

 

Oh man I am so sorry for your pain. Can I ask what medication/supplements you have taken in the past and how loud your tinnitus is? Can it be masked and do you wear hearing aids? Do you have a hearing loss?

Well, I don't know if I will see your response tonight but let me offer some suggestions if you haven't tried them:

hearing aids with maskers
a good fountain in your bedroom
magnesium glycinate
find loved ones and let them know what's going on and if they can take care of you right now
going to the doctor for medication

I sincerely, absolutely, hope you will feel better soon.

I hate to suggest medication because we all wish we could beat this on our own but with me, I have days where the tinnitus is not really a big deal and other days it is even though not much changed with it at the onset. However, on the days I feel good, the tinnitus seems to lower and I am able to tune it out because it is not a threat. Perhaps medication could calm your brain down, stop depression, end the fight or flight reaction and help you to tune it down and hopefully in turn, the volume will seem less. Also, if we don't pay attention or notice the tinnitus, its like it isn't even virtually there. Right now I am titrating up on a medication that hopefully will help me deal with it more on a consistent basis. Time will tell.

 

Unbelievable resemblance. I read your post and it read as if it was written by me. Same things happened to me, same feelings. Can't even write something right now, that's how choked I feel.

 

@Dana What is your age?

 

I will answer you in PM. Tomorrow. Right now I am overwhelmed.

 

Carlos, I've been reading some of your earlier posts and there are times when you express your faith in the Bible, and your love for your mother. Right now these may be small comforts to you, but sometimes that's all we have to hold onto, until the feelings of despair pass. As for your purpose in life, it reminds me of something I read a long time ago. "The purpose of life is not to be happy. The purpose of life is to matter." So as long as you matter to someone, you have a purpose. You are here for a reason, and it's not to end your life on a note of sorrow.

I was watching a video on YouTube about audio notch therapy, which is also extensively covered in this forum, and I'm wondering if you had ever tried it. It did help me a bit last year when I created notched audio files, but I made mine with music. This video explains how to create the file, and also why it's important that it be white noise rather than music. If you don't have Audacity, it's free and there are a ton of tute videos on how to install it.

Here's the first video about audio notch:

Tinnitus Notch Therapy: Brief Overview

And the follow-up:

DIY Tinnitus Treatment: Notching Your White...

 

Thank you @Cheza, you are very kind, I appreciate you reaching out to me and to others, you are very courageous to care for others, I hope that you are doing well and prospering. I feel its just a matter of time before this takes over me entirely. I cant hear myself think, I cant read anymore, Im doing bad in school, I was a supervisor of a construction company and now I feel I cant work anymore. I wish there was a cure, I would love to see the joy in everyone on this website, I would love to hear everyones story of recovery. But it only happens in my dreams, I wake up and the real nightmare begins.

 

The good news is we aren't in charge of making sure our life has puprose. That's God's responsibility, and He doesn't fail. The part that seems like bad news, is that if we desire to follow Jesus it will certain involve suffering. Even though your suffering feels beyond your ability to endure, Jesus is only preparing the maximal happiness of those who trust in Him for their satisfaction. He calls us to suffer the cross along with Him, so that we can be dying people who reach the dying with a message of life and reconciliation to God.

Anytime we think of what God's purpose for our lives is, we think in terms of a great career, a beautiful wife and kids, and an influencial ministry.
We aren't really thinking in terms of death. That's not how our minds function. In this whole process, when I was in the thick of my suffering, when I didn't want to endure one more day--I had to finally accept the sentence of death on my life. Death to my hopes and plans that I didn't know I so desperately cared about until they were crushed. I finally accepted the cross of suffering as a part of the cross of salvation.
We can accept this sentence because we know that Jesus has endured a cross that we will never have to: absorbing the wrath of our Father. But it is for those who hate even their own lives, that is, all those things you feel you need to have purpose in this world. To reject them as foundational to living, happiness, and hope.
I wish only the very best for you; which will include suffering; how much? That's your Father's call.

2Co 1:8 For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. [they didn't want to live anymore]
2Co 1:9 Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.
["That was to make us" is a purpose clause; that kind of suffering came from God's hand on purpose, for a purpose]

2Co 4:16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
2Co 4:17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,
2Co 4:18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
["light and momentary affliction" is written by the guy that said a few chapters earlier that his suffering was so bad he wanted to die]

Luk 14:25 Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them,
Luk 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.
Luk 14:27 Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.

Php 3:7 But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.
Php 3:8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ
Php 3:9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—
Php 3:10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,
Php 3:11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Php 1:21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

[words in brackets are my own and not in original text. Underline for emphasis added by myself]

 

@Carlos,
Sorry to hear your having a really horrid time with your tinnitus.

Have you had any counselling and antidepresants to help lift your mood.

I know tinnitus is real mental torture when it's bad I know because line also is saver.
Have you seen audiology regarding getting maskers or hearing aids as they do help give some relief and take the edge off your sound.

I hope you can find some comfort in your replies and hope have a better day.

We are all here for you round the clock to support you and hope you can get help from audiology...
Our thoughts are with you Carlos ....lots of love glynis

 

I can relate to every word, it's been just over two years for me and I'm tired of the fight. I've worked hard in life, achieved a lot, but I had so much more to give.

 

@Carlos

You might need antidepressants to go through this very rough patch. They might help you to care less about the noise. Once you recover some peace, you will be able to find your way again. Life is very difficult for us, but is still worth it.

 

we cant leave yet we have to finish Star Wars Episode VIII and IX PEOPLE.

 

Don't forget Avengers XV

 

Carlos I see you are in a very dark place and that this fight with your T is overwhelming. If you have noise induced T or maybe you are not sure how your T came along I want you to know there are many many options for you that you may not be aware of or you may feel that they are not for you because you want your normal back. We all here truly understand, but there is something out there that will and can help you. You just have to give them a chance. They make masking hearing aids that can block the sound by masking. You wear them all day and can sleep, shower and swim with them. I will try and find you the link. I have been where you are. I have just sat in my kitchen on the floor and just cried until I had no tears left to give. I am on my second tour with T and I can say I have made it.

We will help you get through this! We will try to find any information or devices to help you get back to being 100% you again.

 

This link here. I project manage for many vendors in my telecommunication field of work and I can stand by this company and their products.

https://www.bestsoundtechnology.com/hearing-loss/tinnitus/solutions/

 

@Carlos1

Here is another device and information for you if you want to pursue this route of treatment.

http://www.express.co.uk/life-style...e-is-golden-after-years-of-torturous-tinnitus

Please let me know if you need any help or more information on any route you choose that will help you back up on your feet.

 

@Carlos - I am sorry you are struggling with your tinnitus. I am only a year in and I can't even begin to think about how my future will be and how much worse it will get. I, too, am unable to fulfill my purpose as T has stolen the one thing that I loved more than anything ....my music career. Even still, there is still life yet to live and purpose to be found. We just have to search harder for it and see the day that this horrible condition can be cured. Much peace and love to you. You can do it. We all can do it together.

 

Thank you everyone for reaching out and being supportive, it says so much about your character and Im thankful for your compassion, youve made a difference and I thank you with a deep appreciation for that. In the last few months my t. noise has fluctuated so much that I cant habituate. I think Im developing hyperacusis. The only thing helping me move forward everyday is going to school and this semester has been so hard. I think being around the classrooms is making my t. worse. I feel like I cant even go outside anymore. As the days pass my t. gets worse and now its moving over to both my ears. I need the strength of the Lord, but Im just so lost. I need sleep and I cant sleep right, I sleep for 3 hours and wake up with screaming t. I break down and cry so much my body tires out and it becomes morning and my day just starts off so wrong. I cant handle the mental strain for much longer. I hope all this stress and mental distress manifest in my body as a terminal illness, this is the only hope I have in my life.

 

Carlos i think you need some medical support right now to get through this.​

You should see a doctor to get some meds or an antidepressant to get some sleep and calm down. I bet you're just spoiling at the moment and having a rough phase. It will probably get better as soon as you sleep properly again. Don't quit school just now - maybe just try to get sick leave for a few days or weeks. Although usually not focusing on T and keeping busy helps...
BTW it's called 'hyperacusis' and there are special sound therapies for hyperacusis where you learn to tolerate noises again. You could look into that too if it's an issue for you. But it will probably get better once you get better all by itself

 

Hey Carlos
I am so sorry you're feeling this way, I wish I could say something that would make you feel better
I want to believe that you are just having a rough time, that soon you WILL recover!
Dont be scared for tomorrow or everyday after or 5 years after..live for today, take it easy, one day at a time. Do what makes you happy, be with ones that make you happy
There is so much in life that awaits us, we shouldn't give up easily. Step by step, day by day.. WE CAN MAKE IT!
We hear you buddy, you are not alone.. remember that! Okay?