I Can't Look at Myself Anymore and Hate Towards Parents

Today is the worst. I hate myself with all my heart and I just wanna beat myself so bad. I literally feel like ripping my worthless self to shreds. Hard to explain.

It is all due to the realization that I have only myself to blame for all my misery.

I was stupid to get that shitty ultrasound therapy on my face, I was the one who blasted loud music into my ear knowing it is harmful several times and minutes although it felt uncomfortably loud, I was the idiot who underwent the loudest ever TMS without being given earplugs etc.

I have caused all this hell to myself, not someone else. It is all my fault. If I had not gone to that therapy back then I wouldn't be writing this post and I would be enjoying Christmas with my family, not sitting here crying like a baby.

I remember that day like yesterday. I shouldn't have gone there at all to begin with but my dad got a phone call from that "therapist" who said that he wants to treat him.

My mom heard it and instantly told him that I should go instead of him because my issues are far worse. She insisted on that. She came to me and told me about it. I remember I didn't want to go there at all today, I just didn't feel like it. I told her I don't want to go there. But she kept pushing me. Eventually I agreed. The worst decision of my life. If she hadn't come to me with that talk, I would have never gone there. Never.

I didn't think so at first but thinking about the matter I have developed some sort of anger towards my mom because she was the one who insisted on me going there.

I love her dearly but for some reason I am starting to become distant with her. It is so sad.

Also it seems to me that she and other family members just don't get it how bad my situation is. I lost everything that day.

Of course I made it way worse with music blasting and the TMS thing but in fact the TMS shit was also arranged by my parents. It was my stupidity to stay there despite the terrible loudness but still.

I feel like everything has originated from my parents, all the latter misery I have been through. I don't hate them in the typical sense but I feel some hate kinda feeling towards them.

The events that led me to the situation I am in now were initiated by my parents. They instigated me to do this and do that.

I can't look them in the eye normally anymore. I can't look at myself. I see myself as a disgusting, self-hating, self-destroying loser. I fucking hate myself. Sorry for the profanity. I feel like I gotta say what I want to say. Let the words fall out. I have ruined everything for myself.

Trust me when I say I was a perfectly healthy individual before, only obstacle I had was my anxiety and overthinking issue. My mental state would often fluctuate. To hell with that. It doesn't matter anything now.

The saddest part is that my hearing abilities were awesome before. I could hear all frequencies in the minus decibel range and let alone my amazing ability to compose, remember and distinguish music.

I could have been an opera singer (I sang everything else great too), in fact I was about to take up professional singing and start going to training lessons as well to better myself even further. My passion for music was indescribable.

I listened to music all the time and when I wasn't listening, all the melodies were playing in my head. They still are btw and that drives me crazy. It is playing in my head but I cannot listen to it. Music is totally ruined for me. The terrible asymmetry between my ears, the awful muffled distortion, missing notes, screeching sounds and white noise. It is the most terrible thing to happen to me. I am not gonna lie. Music and sounds were my life.

I could hear better than all the people I know. My hearing was my greatest gift. I could have been a great musician. I wanted to become one. I really did. But I was too late when I realized what a life-altering mistake I had made.

One stupid decision to ruin it all. I have no life anymore. I am the most pathetic and pityful person I know. I cannot stand myself. I wanna slap myself till my face ruptures and I fall on the ground dead. I don't wanna die but I have nothing to live for anymore.

I don't wanna die but I can't live like this. I don't want these dark times to cloud all the good memories that I have from earlier days.

I wanna go home but I can't seem to find it amongst all the others. I am in my house but jt doesn't feel like home any longer. I feel lost in the dark. I am blinded and I cannot hear the calling. I don't know the path anymore. I was lead astray and there is nothing to guide me. No beacon to follow home. No one to rescue me. I cannot rescue myself.

Damnation is upon me. It has swallowed me. I am floating inside a black void. My path is broken.

What awaits me on the other side? The side I cannot reach anymore. Perhaps there was something great for me waiting for me to catch it...but it matters not anymore. It is gone now for good. There are no second chances in life. You either make good use of the given opportunities or you waste it all...maybe in even one day..or two...or three who the heck knows.

It pains me to admit it but it appears there was no point in my life from the start. Perhaps I was just born to suffer and cause suffering.

Perhaps that was my faith to be from the very beginning. It just came unexpected. I was born to have my chances killed and life destroyed. All that I ever loved and cherised died along with me. My soul is gone.

There is nothing left of my personality. I am gone. I was but I am no longer. Maybe it was all just a dream. Maybe this is a dream, a nightmare.

Why don't I wake up from it?

 

Oh dear, I'm so sorry. I was going to come on here and say I'm having the worst spike of T for several months and feel low. But having read your post, I'll just say hang in there, I'm having a tough time, today anyway, but I'll bounce back. Please try to do the same, this thing in us can't be allowed to beat us. We are stronger that 'IT'!

 

You are suffering from guilt and grief and depression and you have said things like you are a "disgusting, self-hating, self-destroying loser".

Well I also directly caused my tinnitus through my own action. It happened in a single night. I wanted to sleep and there was noise from the room upstairs so I put a white noise machine on my ear to cover the outside noise. I woke up 4 hours later with Tinnitus. Trying to achieve quiet I instead delivered myself everlasting noise.

Do I feel guilt? Yes. Do I feel regret? Of course. Was what I did stupid? Heck yeah. But I didn't set out to hurt myself. At the time I thought what I was doing was safe (my noise machine was much less loud than a rock concert).

In fact for many people--perhaps most people it would have been safe. Perhaps my ears are more sensitive than other people's. Perhaps going to loud bars when I was younger set the stage. It doesn't matter. What's done is done. I made a mistake. Since then I've made a few more mistakes because it takes a while to get used to walking around with your new fragile ears.

There is a few things you probably shouldn't do now that other people can do without worrying. Sounds like you haven't done anything that was as reckless as me.

You listened to music like a million other people and then tried to fix yourself with TMS and failed. No dishonor in that. I have forgiven myself, and you will too.

 

I've been where you are now @Nathalie. It was an incredibly hard time and I had all the same emotions that you are expressing now. Don't let these emotions dictate what the future might hold for you. You have no idea what the future holds. Your future self may well be looking back at you now knowing that your life has some incredible moments ahead. The problem when we get distressed like this is that we become slaves to our emotions and it is all but impossible to see the future as anything other than bad. This is a lie and it's nothing more than the trap of catastrophic thinking.

I'm finding many more positives in my life nowadays, and this is a direct result of the suffering I've been through. The highs in life just have no real meaning unless we have truly felt the lows. We learn to adapt and appreciate everything around us just that little bit more, and you will grow as a person not only in strength, but in compassion.

I came back from the lowest suicidal feelings to having a smile on my face once more. Every happy feeling, I enjoy tenfold, because I know what real pain is. I have donated more to charity since my suffering than in my entire lifetime. It gives a great feeling of self, and helping others also helps yourself. You are capable of getting your life back and being happy again. At the moment you have no way of believing me because you are trapped in your own thoughts, but I promise you this is true. With the right help and the right motivation you can also pull yourself out of this despair. It's not easy, but I and many others on this forum are living proof that our fortunes can change, and if someone told me this when I was in your position, I simply wouldn't have believed it.

Go easy on yourself, and I wish you well.

 

Damn, I'm sorry to say that, it's certainly not appropriate, but your writing style is mindblowing @Nathalie

You can hate yourself but you're a freakin' good writer.

You can't be a singer ? Be a writer. Or whatever else you want. You'll still be Nathalie and your words made my T disappear for a minute.

 

@Nathalie ,
I would see your doctor and see if will put you on nortryptaline or Amitryptaline a low dose 20 increased to 50 if need it.
That should help settle your tinnitus over 2-4 weeks and settle your anxiety but I think talking therapy will help release the unwanted options and negative thinking you have all bottled up.
I'm happy talk with you on Skype chat .
Try relax and enjoy the next two days as the other option is get more low and focus on your sound.
I know it's hard for a lot of tinnitus sufferers as all Christmases don't go to plan and family arguments or drink induced so we have to pull out all the stops and go at your own pace and take time out as needed.
I'm sure your mum feels as upset too but not showing it...lots of love glynis

 

Nathalie I'm sorry and unfortunately I'm in the same position, I was a professional musician for 40 years and music teacher till this evil horrendous condition gets me, very severe tinnitus ,hyperacusiss and reactive to every single thing, I always say my wish is one day people from government and health department come to this forums and see how much we suffering, my ears and the music were the only thing that could enjoy , now not more, now I'm living only for my kids, and the sad part is Nothing to relief this horrendous condition because the money, only God can help us.

 

@Nathalie,
I have be seen many of your posts recently and its clear you are spend a hard time!
All these above replies are very wise and you will see that everything is gonna be much more better as soon your brain adapts the new condition.....
Just dont let negative thoughs control your mind, please! This is the main key

Mistakes: i still do it times by times (everyone do it) we are not perfect and this is what make us human!

Anyway i believe good news will approach soon with new medical rechearches for all of us!

Glad you enjoy music too / music is also all my energie....the source for happiness!

All the best!
Ricardo

 

Natalie

Please hang in there...what could have been, what should have been, keep on thinking the same. Try to stop myself though as the thoughts are unhelpful. Maybe this was always on the cards on the other hand...most other people exposed to what some of us were exposed don't aquire this condition.

The trigger was the event, the rest was predisposition in most cases.

Think about all the poor people exposed to bombing...most won't get t is my guess...

We will together on TT make our experiences count, our suffering count...

I have hated myself, felt pointless, but gradually back to looking after and protecting myself - I owe this person kindness, she's been through a lot.

Stay strong, you'll find a way, it's early days x

 

@Nathalie, I have my regrets too.
I know I have only myself to blame for my T and H. I went to clubs and festivals a lot, and I also undermined my chronic sinusitis.

Every day, I feel the overwhelming urge to blame myself. But I try to nip it in the bud because what I need now is not blame and guilt, but compassion and kindness. And when this loud world seems to be working against me, I have only myself to rely on.

So be kinder to yourself. It will take time for you to resolve your emotions. It's not an overnight thing, and there will be ups and downs. But don't beat yourself up.

 

Actually it is more than appropriate. I am flattered and astonished that my words had such a ginormous effect on you. Thank you very much for being so kind and complimenting me in such manner. I wouldn't have foreseen my lines could make someone's T disappear for a brief. That makes me say thank you once more Happy Holidays!

 

Thank you everyone who replied to my thread. It makes me feel much better knowing I can always express my thoughts and emotions on this wonderful forum. Sometimes you truly need to share your story in order to endure it better. Stay strong everyone and happy holidays to you all! May the new year make all our wishes come true.

 

@Nathalie I agree with many above that you are a good writer. More than good. And a deep soul! Sooooo ... you feel things very deeply. This will work for you as a strength. Life is a river. It flows and flows and every moment is a different one, and new chances and choices are offered continually. I have faith that someone like you will pull through and re-invent yourself in a beautiful way. You are going through one of those "dark nights of the soul," (life presents those to all of us, at one time or another), and some of the folks who commented above are absolutely right that your life can pull through and you can one day look back and say, "Wow - things are so much brighter now." But if there are things to get through and discoveries to make via this darkness, then just love yourself and keep stepping forward. (I've been there.) Peace to you!

 

Just wait. We just can wait for future. Maybe future will be better than now...

 

@Nathalie, just remember we are all human and we can make silly mistakes and don't take it too seriously. A little guilt is good but too much of it can be enslaving us. Whatever happened happens. We need to look forward and not backward. T will give us some suffering initially but given time, by following good strategies as shared by various writers of the success stories, T will be less and less an issue. So be patient and give yourself and your body time to heal. You are very gifted and pretty. You will have a great future. Embrace positivity and you will have a great life ahead of you. Don't let T derail you and your destiny. Have a Merry Christmas. God bless.

 

Hey Nathalie! People above gave some very good advices it's hard to say something more to that..

Are you sure? Maybe you want to think about that one more time

Many famous singers and musicians with tinnitus are out there and YOU can definitely become one of them

You are one powerful writer! That tells me that your soul is everything but gone

You CAN do anything my dear

Yes there are if you allow yourself so. Give yourself some time. You are too harsh on yourself.
You can still have your life back and that's the reason worth fight for. It's always easier to give up..but you know what? I know you're strong and you have to find that strength inside yourself. It may sound rough but if you don't want to help yourself no one else will. I enjoy life, I enjoy music, I enjoy nature, I love playing with kids..should I let one bastard to ruin all of that? No sir... If you ever need someone just to talk to you can PM, but remember you are your own way out of this