I Feel Beaten

I don’t say this lightly, I’m 3 and a half years into T now, I feel beaten. After my initial T inducing event in 2014 (stress and loud noise exposure) I managed to fight to get my life back, it took me the best part of a year, probably more. I don’t think I can do it this time.

I’m struggling with a spike I’ve had since early December. It has gotten better and worse in that time, but has always remained pretty hard to deal with. I hear somewhere between 5-8 different noises. Some in my left ear, some in my right,some in both and some in my head.
Some days I hear phantom sounds that aren’t there at all and I hear a tinnitus-y echo on many normal noises, like running water.

Since the spike I’m often very sensitive to moderate noises and have basically become a recluse. Since the first week of December I have been out in a social environment once. Not at all in the past 3 weeks. I just wake up, don’t want to be awake for 12 hours and then try and go back to sleep, which I don’t manage till around 3-4am.

Any time I feel like I’m levelling out and I’m starting to get myself together, something happens to plunge me back down to the bottom.

Yesterday is a prime example, My 21 year old sister angrily screamed at me at the top of her voice, saw how much it distressed me and proceeded to scream even louder. I managed to immediately put my fingers in my ears, but as soon as it happened I anticipated things getting worse again. I spiralled. Needless to say my T felt much more intense that it had on previous nights. I worried about going to sleep because I didn’t want to wake up and for it to be worse. Due to both of those things I didn’t sleep at all, not one minute.

I don’t feel safe or comfortable anywhere, not least when there are people in my own house who would use my T as a weapon against me.

I have no drive and no will to be here any more, it isn’t worth it. Theres no payoff. Just days of struggling. It’s no life. I’m only 24 and I fear it’s over.

 

I need help desperately. But I’m worried that there is nobody out there who can help me.

 

@Michael De Asha
I am so very sorry to hear this is how you feeling.
Do you have any idea what caused your spike?
Why do your feel you can’t get back on track this time? I’m sure you felt this way when you first got tinnitus.
I recently experienced some sound sensitivity and was terrified that I had also now had hyperacusis. Then one day, I was so busy at my business that I did not notice any hyperacusis that day. I came to the conclusion that my anxiety over loud sounds had manifested into the hyperacusis. Once I had that day I knew that I actually wasn’t experiencing sound sensitivity, rather I was perceiving the sensitivity. I hope that makes sense.
I’m not saying your tinntius hasn’t increased, but you’ve got a lot of anxiety on board as well.
You do need to get some sleep, so finding a way to relax is essential (easier said than done, I know).
Just remember that you’ve habituated before and you can do it again.

 

my struggles are similar to you.

I am beginning to accept that I have so many limitations to my life and that I need to adjust accordingly. Of course not happily, but my view now is that I need to survive with a difficult way of living until a cure comes up.
I am optimistic something that would help (not nessacessarly cure) should be there on the market in the next 5 years).

 

Its not ideal way of thinking, I just try to make those waiting years as productive and happy as possible.

 

@Samantha R The spike was caused by a mixture of very limited loud noise exposure and mainly stress.

I don’t feel like I can do it this time because the volume/intensity keeps getting turned up on my different noises. Any time it settles, something happens to crank it back up again. Trying to convince my brain not to listen out for new sounds is so tiring in itself. I just don’t feel like I can do it anymore.

 

@Michael De Asha
How loud is your tinnitus? Is it maskable?
You can do this, you have to!
Is your tinnitus spiking after noise and then settling?
Are you protecting your ears?
We have to try to keep convincing our brain to not listen to the noise. It is exhausting, and impossible at times, but can be done, even with loud tinnitus.

 

@Samantha R Some of the noises are only maskable in the shower, but when I’m in the shower my senestivity to noise means there’s a tinnitus-y echo which accompanies the running water.
I do protect my ears. I have been avoiding loud noises since my spike, during which it has fluctuated anyway, the fluctuations are almost always parallel with high stress and feelings of fullness in my ear.
Since I got T originally I wear earplugs whenever I go to restaurants, pubs/bars, social occasions with music being played and when I walk by main roads or in busy city centres. I haven’t been to a nightclub since my initial incident (and have no intention of going to one ever again) and I avoid places like the cinema, because it feels like unnecessary risk.
It feels pointless to me now, it’s like my brain is actively turning up a different T noise as soon as I become semi-comfortable within the spike. All my original fears have returned and now I’m struggling to see how I get out of this hole. I’m just scared.

 

We all feel beaten sometimes, never forget that and never forget that you are not alone. Your spike will come down and if you reduce your stress on top of that you will come out good. I know how it feels, we all do...keep on fighting and things actually can take a very positive turn. We are warriors, fight on!

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling! Tinnitus can be a horribly exhausting condition... Are you able to receive TRT (Tinnitus Retraining Therapy) or have you tried it before? Wearing white noise generators might help you to desensitize your ears (if you're feeling more sensitive to noises) and to cope with your tinnitus better. When I hit my lowest point after 4 years with tinnitus I started seeing a therapist. CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) helped me to mentally cope better with my tinnitus and to feel less anxious in general.

 

I think you are over protecting, I'm about 4 years in and go through month long spikes, I'm in one now that began the second week of October 2017. The only time I protect is when using power tools, lawn mowing, etc.. I actually seek out noisy environments, restaurants, bars and most any outdoor activity, it really helps and covers my sounds quite well. Slowly but surely I am improving, tinnitus is still there but by brute force and determination I refuse to let it destroy me.
This is what works for me.

 

I wouldn’t know where to find this. I’m from the UK and the only help I was ever given was a 5 minute ENT appointment a few months after I got T, who just told me to avoid louis noises and said it was a good idea to wear ear plugs when I went to bars, restaurants and things like that.
Privately I was able to also seek out a small number of CBT sessions too. I had one a fortnight ago and I’m having another one today.

 

@Ambassador before this spike my noises didn’t bother me 95% of the time, even when I had earplugs in when I was out, I would just listen past all of them and I was fine.
Part of me is terrified that I have overprotected and that normal sounds will now make my T permanently worse. I don’t know if this is an irrational thought, I hope it is. Is 3 years of overprotection reversible?

 

I am so sorry you’re experiencing a spike. I think it is possible to reverse changes from overprotection, it will probably just take some time and some patience.

For me, tinnitus anxiety is a big factor in how I react but CBT has helped me. TRT basically combines CBT with sound enrichment, so it’s great that you already have a CBT therapist. Maybe try using sound enrichment (white noise, pink noise, whatever works for you) whenever you can. You could also talk to an audiologist who might offer further advice.

 

I am convinced that you have been UNDERprotecting. Had you stayed away from loud restaurants, pubs, bars, and social occasions with music, I believe you would not have had that spike, and would most likely would have seen your T fade. Earplugs can provide a false sense of security.

Some examples:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/earplugs-muffs-give-very-little-protection.21737/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-much-worse-after-club-despite-wearing-solid-35-db-custom-earplugs-—-im-at-my-wits-end.15744/#post-186018

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/bad-spike-not-subsiding-after-loud-bar-—-despite-wearing-properly-inserted-earplugs.20675/#post-239000

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...t-an-acoustic-trauma-shock.18964/#post-219363

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...le-in-real-life-situations.19067/#post-220314

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/33-decibel-earplug-not-protecting-from-sound.22151/

Hopefully it is not too late for you to change. It might take well over a year for T to begin to improve once you give your body a chance to heal.

 

For me time is the only thing that helps. I don't know if my sounds are diminishing or I have habituated to where I no longer care but either way the result is the same, a return to a life where thoughts of tinnitus never enter my mind. Like most when I first got it, I was a wreck, stopped working and drugged myself into a stupor but after a few months I returned to a normally functioning person and as I now know, spikes pass, for me it's months but I know better days are ahead.

As you can see there are those who benefit from "over protection" and those who don't. I think it's up to each of us to know and understand our own tinnitus and do what works best for us.

Tinnitus is not a one size fits all problem and there are as many helpful solutions as there are sufferers.

 

That’s the horrible truth, isn’t it? When the system that works for you hits a bump, it feels like a mad dash to recover rationality and order...

 

Michael if you live in Liverpool there is a support group you could try. If you go on the BTA website you will find details about it. I go to a support group and it helps a lot.

 

@Tweaker Yeah I saw that the other day. It’s in Aintree, I believe? Will definitely check it out, thank you.

 

I think they meet next Wednesday so why not get in touch and give it a go. I have made great friends at my group and look forward to going.

 

Dear Michael,

I feel your pain, I am sorry you feel lost... But keep writing your feelings and emotions here ! We can understand you !

I know this can be life full of shit !

But ANY thing that can help you relax and be more peaceful with yourself needs to be done... Even very simple things...

Hang on man !

Christophe

 

@Michael De Asha
Certainly the tinnitus reacting to different sounds could be a touch of hyperacusis, so hopefully this fades as it does for some in time.
All you can do is protect your ears and try to stay positive and not actively listen for the tinnitus.
You've got through this before, and you can do that again.
Read the success stories here, and I think the support group is a fantastic idea, I hope you will go to that.
I think most of us know the feeling of hopelessness that you are going through and we are all here supporting you and telling you that you can get through it.
I can honestly say that I was suicidal when I got tinnitus, I was Googling ways of getting my hands on phenobarbital (that is so embarrassing to share but true).
Now I am much happier and for most of the day, I have not even given tinnitus a second thought. It's only now that I'm in my quiet office that it has come to my attention again.
I'm sure once I go back to the house and my children, all will be forgotten.
You can do it. Stay strong.

 

I feel exactly the same, its a monumental struggle to get out of bed in the morning.

 

i feel the same most frequently. sometimes i read research articles about physically repairing the hearing damage, as I think this would greatly alleviate my suffering. maybe look at the research section of the forum.

sometimes i can't even read that stuff though and nothing helps.

sounds similar to what i have https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/hearing-distortion-recruitment-reactive-tinnitus.19449/

its amazing how many people have this horrible symptom but it doesn't get talked about much on this forum.

 

@SilverSpiral It’s very strange isn’t it? Hard to explain too. Over the 3 years I’ve noticed mine usually happens when I’m sensitive to noise and very stressed or worried. It definitely diminishes when I have my T under control/my stress is low.

 

my symptoms do not seem to fluctuate much at all (yet?) i havent had it quite as long as you though.

 

How did you get T in the first place ? what exact noise exposure or anxiety are we talking about here ?

 

I was looking for a thread on reactive tinnitus and came across this most recent one, so I'll post here instead of staying a new one. My symptoms are very much like the OP so you have my sympathies.

My T started at the end of Nov when I went to an audiology test. The frequencies in the test set off my T that evening. Since then the past two months II was doing well. Wearing plugs when I needed to or avoiding loud areas. I started taking zoloft and was finef I'm at 100mg now.. I would experience slight spikes when I had alcohol but my T would reset after sleeping. I was even starting to sleep without pink noise.

Then I started noticing that my refrigerator was making a weird noise. I figured eventually I'll get it fixed. This past Tuesday I got fleeting tinnitus but it didn't go away. I I took klonopin that night and figured it would rest like always. Nope. The hissing is louder and now i hear that refrigerator tone slightly. My tone also picks up when I'm in the shower or I'm walking outside. I haven't tested music yet. I can only hope it gets better. I don't know if i going to church even with earplugs worsened things days later. The only other thing was I took allegra-D for 5 days and Tuesday was the first day I did not take any. I hope this fades and gets better. Not sure what to expect now. I was feeling very positive but T has a mind of its own.
Anyway just venting and looking for support. I've had T only two t months so i know things aren't stable yet.