I Feel Like I Can't Do This Anymore

Another month goes by since my increase. Since then it has gotten worse in my right ear, which used to be my good ear with no T (prior to my acoustic trauma). The ENT shoved one of the ear pieces deep into my ear while doing an OAE test. I had another accident, where the Tympanometry/reflex machine had a broken earpiece that didn't register a response and it started testing tones at 105dB, the audiologist wasn't paying attention. After a few tones I ripped out the ear piece because I felt it was clearly wrong. Not to mention I had my ears suctioned despite asking the ENT if it was quiet and if there was another way of doing it. My left ear seems to not haven gotten significantly worse, but my right ear is now louder than the left. So much for trusting doctors...

I feel I can no longer take this, it is not getting better and I hate myself. The night my T permanently spiked I was dragged into a house party where at one point they had a TV at 100% volume and people were shouting over each other in conversation, one of which shouted in my right ear (which now has more issues than the left). Instead of running like hell I froze and stayed there like a sheep. Interestingly enough the T in my right ear came gradually, building up weeks after the trauma. No ENT or doctor wanted to see me or help me, I got prednisone very late.

I have destroyed my life, the life my parents worked hard to give me. I went against my own instincts. I am a quiet guy, I never went to concerts, I covered my ears during fire alarms. Then I not only let myself be taken to a party but like an idiot I stayed for around 3hours. No one else was complaining and group-think clearly got the best of me. I didn't put on earplugs when I should have. I wish I had broken both my legs that day, had I stayed at home and not been invited I would now be waiting to have my cast taken off and slowly returned to a normal life.

I am barely 20 and despite otherwise being a reasonable person most of the time, I destroyed my life. I had hope it would get better, but after seeing several ENTs and audiologists it seems this is it. I am on all sorts of supplements and am currently on Betaserc which isn't working either. My life has been reduced to the most basic of activities. I have left my school, lost contact with most people who don't understand me and I'm living off my family. There is nothing left of my old self, only my name is the same. I try to go outside, to get busy, but my ears are constantly full which bothers my as much as my T itself, which is loud enough that I can hear it over the TV, the fridge and outside. I have lost my confidence my ability to enjoy my old hobbies. I loved silence, I hated loud events, but social pressure got the better of me. And for what? None of those people even talk to me anymore. They came out fine and are now moving on with life while the little thats left of me withers away.

I cannot forgive myself for what I have done, I have single-handedly destroyed my life. I have tried to calculate the decibel levels at the party and it seems that I have sensitive ears as everyone else came out fine, but clearly things were way too loud. I have never wept before, yet I weep like a child. It is over 4 months now and I have seen no improvements. My quality of life has gone down significantly, my hearing is off, my silence is gone, I have balance problems and feelings of light headedness, I started noticing light visual snow and my life is nothing like it used to be. I had hope that some treatment would help, but after reading the forums front to back I'm starting to feel like there is little left to try. I sleep with white noise in the background but I don't want in ear maskers. I have gotten custom plugs made now, but its too late. I'd give anything to turn back time and start over. I am ashamed of myself, I am a disappointment to myself and my family. I was an idiot and I will pay the ultimate price for this. I feel it would be easier to accept if it had been an airbag or if I had been a heavy party animal, but its not my normal lifestyle. I went against my own values and at what price.

I am alone now, my core family tries to help me, but I see that I am a burden, I am holding them back. If there's anything that T made my realize is that life is not fair and thats just how it is. People only understand when they are in the same situation. Most of my so called friends are gone now, and to be honest I cannot expect them to understand. You are surrounded by people who are together as long as they are going towards the same goal or are bound by similar circumstances. The community here at tinnitustalk and other tinnitus sufferers are the only people that understand.

What else can I do? What is left to do? I feel like its over, there's nothing left to do. I am uncomfortable in my own body. I can no longer travel freely or go into the street without the risk of it getting worse than it already is. I don't want to go on anti depressants, thats not an option. I will not play games with my mind. I don't drink, I don't do drugs and I am not about to try antidepressants. I love life, it used to be so fun, I used to be among the best in my class, I used to do things I enjoyed. That's gone now and I've taken it from myself, I was so naive. I had dreams, now its all futile. People, possessions and experiences are of little use if my body is broken. I'm sorry that I am so weak, I am aware that there are people in much worse situations, and I am unable to cope with something like this. The doctors all brush it off as just a sound, but it's so much more to me. I am sorry to all of you that suffer, I'm sorry for being weak. I'd give anything to have this gone. Prior to getting T, I held medicine in very high regard, I still do to an extent, but I have also realized just how little there is to help people with certain conditions. It also shocks me just how (relatively) little funding goes into solving issues like tinnitus (hearing loss really).

 

I am 25 and know how frustrating this is, stress can alleviate it, as hard as it may be you need to find some sort of stress relief...please know 1. You're not alone 2. You are not a burden ...have you tried listening to some white noise? If you'd like to talk please message me

 

Although we both have this stupid condition I can definitively understand where you are coming from. With that being said I will tell you that the stage in life you are at now is a moment in time that when I look back on is very insignificant. The people you know at this point in life most likely wont be hanging with you 10 years from now. You still have plenty of life to live and you still have the world at your finger tips despite the condition you are in. Dont let this obstacle bring you down although i understand how hard that really is. Take everything one day at a time and try to set goals for yourself of things that you want to accomplish. Make sure you have a hobby as well. For me its gaming and its the one thing that i look forward to everyday. Not only is it fun but its also a great distraction from the T beast. I dont even notice my T while playing. At the same time continue to protect your ears and dont feel ashamed to do so or tell anybody. I tell everyone about my T and to a degree most people are understanding but of course there is only so much remorse they will show you and you should expect that. My last point is that throughout my life I feel there has always been something working against me. Every time i got past something there was always something else in the way. Just battle through it and use it as motivation. Here is a quote from my favorite movie (i highly suggest watching it).

"Life is a storm my young friend, you will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into the storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst for I will do mine. Then the Fates will know you as we know you, as Albert Mondego, the man." Count of Monte Cristo

 

Thank you Joy, Jomo,

I am partially masking it with white noise at night, but I can hear it everywhere. I try to go on walks to keep busy but I have no motivation to do anything. I wake up and I cannot wait for the night so I can go back to sleep. Sleep is my only escape, even through I don't sleep as well as I used to. I used to read, game, listen to music and I enjoyed photography while travelling. I still take photos from time to time, but its hard to enjoy, my old photos bring me to tears.

I was hoping it would get better, but I simply don't see a future with how loud it is. Its not only the T, but the constant feeling of fullness in my ears. I have T for over a year and I was perfectly fine with it, this new increase however has brought me to my knees.

@Jomo I like the quote, thank you. I haven't seen the movie, I might watch it sometime.

 

I just watched it on youtube..can watch it over and over. Well hang in there man..hopefully things will calm down soon..if you need a diff kind of white noise i have somthing that works great for me. I can send it to you but you need the i phone app white noise. I sleep cold turkey with this thing on. Let me know if you are interested.

 

I went through that path mate, and I did go for antidepressants (citalopram). It takes a couple weeks to kick off but it works. You got nothing to lose and it won't weaken you or make T worse. I strongly encourage you to go for ADs

 

Please don't be to hard on yourself You're obviously going through a lot and need all the help and support you can get. You're not a burden and it's okay to receive more than you can give back. It's hard, please try to not make it harder with negative self-talk, as hard as that may be.

I also found out the hard way that my ears happen to be more sensitive than those of others. It was the firs time I encountered something that could not be healed or repaired. It's not fair, but the more you can accept the way things are, the better things are going to get. Whatever the cause was, doesn't matter. You are now here, move forward from here.

Humans can adapt, but it may take more than 4 months. Take it slowly, one day at the time, look for things you can do and enjoy instead of things given up, every day survived should be seen as a big victory at this point. Hang in there and try to stay calm. Things will never be the same, but there is a way out of this.

 

You can wait for it to get better...

 

Man, I am 20 years old and I feel the exact same way, what you feel, what you were and what you are now, I swear I could be writing that down as well... I don't know what to do, I just want to cry everyday and sleep , this truly is a shitty thing to have. I guess the only thing that we can hope is that someday there will be something to relief from this

 

Thank you all for your replies. I took break from the internet for a few days, I feel a bit better, T is just as loud with scary random spikes but I'm a bit calmer. I hope that by one way or another it will lower to a more manageable level although I am unsure how realistic it is at this point. :/

 

This is a positive sign. You have been battered mentally by the T bully into deep grief and guilt as well as self pity. Those are mental issues that are common to new T sufferers. You are not alone feeling this way. New sufferers can grieve for the loss of silence and the quietness that they used to enjoy. They felt deep self pity filled with guilt and worthlessness as they see themselves and their struggles as a burden to their loved ones. These are the things the T bully can do to cause havoc to our mental stamina. We miss the happy and outgoing person that they used to be. It causes much sadness to see the loss of self by the T trauma.

I felt into similar mental traps too when I was first hit with ultra high pitch T which was soon joined by severe hyperacusis. T & H combined made life so miserable and stressful initially. I was in a mess physically and mentally and yes, I withdrew from my social circle like you do. Worse, I had prior condition of PTSD and was a long time victim of anxiety/panic disorder before this. So T & H literally opened the floodgate of hell of relentless anxiety and panic attacks. I had to depend on prescribed drugs just to survive each long, dark day, just to hang on for my loved ones. Often dark thoughts came through during my suffering with the big 'S' word dangling in front of my tired ans stressed out brain. I never thought I could survive this. But never say never. Today I live a normal, happy, productive and absolutely enjoyable life. I wrote my success story like others and shared my strategies. For brevity I provide the link below. You can check it out if you have time. Don't panic and don't despair. Good life can be back. Learn and apply some strategies. Give it some time as your ears may take 6 or more to settle down. Take good care. God bless.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

Thank you @billie48

I had a bit of ups and downs the last two days. I had horrible dizziness one evening and ended up falling asleep at 4am. Yesterday was better, despite having not slept I went outside and did some exercise. Unfortunately, I had a spike after someone hit my bad ear with a glove, it wasn't on purpose though. Thankfully it seems to have largely subsided and my T is back to its regular raging levels.

 

My T has also increased due to loud noise exposures. Don't blame yourself. It isn't your fault. You didn't ask for tinnitus. You didn't want any of that to happen. Don't blame yourself for loud environments. You're not a burden to your family. It isn't your fault that you developed a medical condition that you can't control at a young age. I'm sorry this has happened and I hope things get better for you

 

Dear @missingsilence -

I read your detailed story and I can understand your emotional turmoil, there is no doubt about that. What seems to dominate throughout is the self-recrimination you feel about having caused your tinnitus by going to the party. There is no basis for you to be ashamed or disappointed in yourself. I wish you wouldn't view your situation this way because if every member here spent all their energy toward self-blame rather than trying find coping tactics, there surely would be no good outcome for any of us here; on the positive side as an example... reread the post by @billie48 and also his success story for which he provided the link. You are in no way responsible for the tinnitus; you did not know... could never have known... that by attending the party you would get tinnitus. Don't spend all your valuable mental energy ruminating on this. I understand you are a quiet person but many here are as well and they, like you, got tinnitus for various reasons.

While you may feel depressed and vulnerable now, you certainly have not destroyed your life and I think all the negativity you feel now is being turned inward and you are projecting when you say you feel you are a burden to your parents; remember, this is only your perception. I am sure this is not the case being a parent myself. When your children are in emotional and/or physical pain, you hurt for them and want to do anything to soothe and find a solution... parents do not feel their children are a "burden". Oh no @missingsilence ... you are wrong.

You say you have given up your hobbies; perhaps you are giving up something which may help you in the long run. It seems you do need a diversion now. Is it at all possible that you can try, little by little, to get back to these once again? Of course I understand very well the distraction of the new interloper since I, too, am a tinnitus sufferer and I also can hear it above many common sounds although the type of sound and severity varies from person to person. Important is that you learn as much as you can and may I suggest you begin by reading both the success stories and the positivity thread in this forum and I believe you will be encouraged. All is not lost! Never! You are not yet 20, so young.. and perhaps the tinnitus will ever lower in time. If this will not be the case -- again, you have to take heart by reading the countless posts by people in this forum who have gone on (despite their tinnitus - even the most severe) to lead productive, fulfilling and happy lives. Look at what you have in your life rather than what you do not. Oh I know... easier said than done... yes I agree - but you have youth in your favor; you can go on to again enjoy your hobbies, make new faithful friends who will lend themselves to you and most of all, remember you have parents who I am sure are standing in your corner and who love you. It is encouraging that your recent spike has quieted down.

Would you consider seeing a therapist? While in no way a panacea he/she may be able to help you with coping strategies and I recommend you read those listed in this forum. If you look under "coping strategies" in the search bar, there are many listed which I feel would serve you well.

Please @missingsilence - take heart...have patience...be kind to yourself and let go of the self-blaming, try reading as many of the helpful posts as you can and remember you have friends here with whom you can share your feelings and we do understand. Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing. Take care.

Barbara

 

@butterfly75 @Bobbie7

Thank you both for your kind words and support. I've continued to have ups and downs this week, yesterday was a difficult day as I didn't get much sleep and was stressed out as I had an MRI today. I wore custom molded plugs and some over the ear muffs during the MRI (quite a long MRI, one and a half hours). On the way home I didn't wear plugs in the car and the driver started violently clapping his hands out of the blue.

Things seemed fine until a few hours later when I heard a new tone (of a slightly lower frequency) was added to my orchestra. I'm surprised that I'm quite calm at the moment. I hope its a temporary spike. I'll see tomorrow after I get some sleep, really tired today.

Thank you all once again for the support, it helps me break my inner negative cycle.

 

Hi again @missingsilence , I am glad you are keeping in touch and pleased to hear you wore both earplugs and ear muffs during your MRI. Good grief!!!

Do I ever know how noisy those machines are!!! I remember vividly, many moons ago when I had my first MRI (I've had a few since) (I didn't have tinnitus at that time) no one ever warned me about the horribly high volume of noises and one of those useless foam ear plugs they gave me fell out during the middle of the test and I was so upset... I could not very well yell out to the technician so I bore it until it was concluded. Fortunately back then, I didn't get tinnitus as a result. I did feel though like I was right in the middle of a war zone with combatants all around though.

I trust your spike is only temporary so please try not to worry about that. It's good that you are remaining calm now, keep it up! Here's hoping you get a good night's sleep and awaken refreshed with renewed hope. Take care and let us know how you are.

Barbara

 

@Bobbie7
Thank you Barbara, the new tone has become largely intermittent and then seems to have subsided (knock on wood). I'm really struggling to keep it together and sort to broke down again yesterday. I'm waiting for better days but it scares me that they may never come. The fullness in my ears is driving me crazy.

 

I would just want to give up, There is no point anymore