I Think This Is the End

I am sorry. This should not come as a surprise to most of you who have read my previous posts. As you may already know, I tend to be a very self-destructive person full of hatred towards myself. This doesn't come as a surprise to me either.

I have possessed the feeling of self-hate since I remember and not a day has gone by in my life where I have been content with myself. Why? Well there are several different reasons for such negative emotions which have lingered there for a very long period of time since my very childhood.

I don't think it is a good idea to start getting more into details just because this is not a forum for such purposes. I don't wish to flood this forum with my personal issues which most likely wouldn't even make sense to the majority of people. I am aware of the fact that this is a psychological thing and perhaps I should have sought help long ago before all of this even happened. Maybe all of this hadn't been if it was for me acknowledging my true issues deep inside of me.

However, when I think about my life I realize that it is quite impossible to get over the deep issues I have been dealing with. Given everything I have experienced and what has happened to me I have come to a conclusion that I can never be free of these problems. The rubbish is in my DNA. Long story short, I hate my mom for having a child with the abnormal bastard my biological father is. The fact is that I should have never been born if the only way I could have come to this world was by that. No way. Sadly I cannot undo it now, nor can she. I curse the day I was born. It was wrong from the very start. I hate my roots and I can never not hate them. It disgusts me. To hell with that. To hell with me.
Regarding my ear problems, it hasn't gotten any better, rather worse. I haven't exposed myself to any further loud music or noisy environments. Not sure if that matters anyway. Two days in quiet and no changes. Still every last complaint remains. Because of the problems in my family and overall unexpected and bad circumstances I haven't been able to go to a doctor to evaluate me. I don't need to tell what has happened because things have been pretty ugly lately and both I and others are to blame. Every one of us has played our part too well. And in the end, what will the appointment do? I don't think there is much the doctors can do. No matter what kind of a hearing loss it might be or what the hell is going on, there is no magic pill or cure anyway. So what's the point? I might as well sit in my room and lay on my sofa like a complete wretch.


Everything has gone downhill. Not merely my hearing issues but relationships in my family. The amazing and very close relationship with my mom that I once had has been completely destroyed in the process. No kidding. There is nothing left from it. And it took only 2 months. Crazy how much things can change in that short amount of time. We haven't been able to communicate in a civilized manner anymore. I think it's best we stop it all together. Today was it. Got into a bad argument with her. I bombarded her with my accusations and she freaked out, as did I. I have actually understood that I blame others to try and ease the burden of being guilty myself. I am the one hugely responsible whether I wanna admit it or not. Reality hits, sooner or later. I have caused it with all the stupid shit I have done. I am an utter idiot. Cannot argue on that. No matter what someone else tells you to do, you have the final decision. It is up to you and you only. Nothing or no one can protect a person from their own stupidity and ignorance. It is deadly. What happened next after the initial argument is better left unknown. I can only say she doesn't want to talk to me anymore (she said I should move out now and never see her again). She said she is sick and tired of seeing my ugly depressed face and hearing my shit every single day. I have stopped staring at old family pictures with happy faces because it ain't real. It is not real. Who am I fooling? It doesn't exist anymore. Why create even more delusions? I understand that and it is better we end this misery. Right now. Why wait? Nothing is to improve no matter how hard I try. I have made my decision. I have made up my mind. I have nothing left. No health, no friends, no family as of now. I have almost dropped out of school because of this awful disability and no one even takes it seriously. No one even tries to understand. I don't even know if it possible to avoid the drop out. We'll see what life brings, what I bring to myself rather. You know the funny thing is that I have always considered myself wise. However, the recent events are a clear sign that I am everything but wise. I am literally the dumbest person. Blinded my delusions. How can a human being act so foolishly and irresponsibly? I cannot understand that. I wasn't like this before... or was I?

I am so sorry. I am sorry my dear body. Every last part of you. I cannot be forgiven for the pain and suffering I have made you endure. Just let me go. I cannot take this any longer. I am running out of strength. I can't find the missing lifeline. My endeavors have all failed. Let this imprisoned soul be released from this body. It begs for ease. Make this heavy heart light.

I have had countless attempts of trying to end my life. Yet each time, even the darkest times, I haven't been able to take the last step. Am I really so weak that I am not even capable of putting an end to all this suffering, this everlasting madness and sorrow? What is it that's holding me back? I feel I have nothing left in this life. Yet when I am about to take the final step I get all these mixed emotions. What if it gets better...what if. Then begins the onslaught of thoughts. What if I will so terribly miss the feeling of being able to squeeze my pillow tight and cry when I feel everyone has left me? Will I miss the feeling of fresh water touching my lips after a long sleep? Will I? Isn't it beautiful to touch green grass, look at gorgeous flowers and smell their fragrance, breathe in the abundant oxygen in the wild forest, look at the sky and feel the sun caressing my face as my eyes are closed, observe exquisite art, open my eyes in the morning, look around and realize I am still alive, do whatever I want because I still can? Because I am still alive.

I am having these mixed emotions but today I felt like I really wanted to die for a moment. I still feel like that. I want to end this damned life. I wanna live but not like this. This isn't the way to go. I have already died inside. Why not die as a whole? It would be better for everybody that way. It is inevitable that I must leave this Earth in order to end the suffering and let others around me live. They will see that I was right telling that. It is not hard to say goodbye to the world and people around me anymore because goodbyes were already said a long time ago. Now I just have to be able to let it go. Be at peace. Let it go. It will be alright.

 

Nathalie, you sound like me 20 years ago when I first contracted the noises in my head. I've been to hell and back and everywhere in between. I had nights (and days) where I wanted to end it all because I just couldn't take the noise anymore. I saw many doctors who couldn't find any cause for the buzzing in my ears. After two years of seeking answers, I decided to go see a psychiatrist. I needed to be on medication for my depression. I resisted it at first because of the stigmas attached to it. But I had nothing to lose at that point.

Looking at your photo, you're obviously very young. I was 35 when I got tinnitus. I'm 56 now. I've hung in, and so can you. I'm not telling you this as some Hallmark greeting card. I telling you this because I know what it's like to be at the end of my rope. This past weekend, I had a relapse that has thrown me into a major depression again. But I'm going to do my best to get through it.

I don't know what medical facilities are available to you in Estonia, but I urge you to make a call. Give yourself a chance to get past this terrible and challenging time. As I type this, I'm fighting for my own sanity; we've all got to be there for one another. Getting on the right medication may help you get through this. It won't cure your tinnitus, but it may help you cope with it as well as other areas of your life.

Please keep us posted as to how you're doing.

Craig

 

@Nathalie, no matter what pain or suffering you are going through, it is never too late to turn your life around. I have seen people come back from the worst despair you can imagine. It's quite personal, but I will tell you a story: My mother had a horrendous upbringing, and later in life she had a psychological break. Her suffering massively impacted on me because I had to see her decline whilst I was powerless to help. Nothing I tried worked, and it started to impact on my wellbeing in ways you can't imagine. I got her to a psychologist and after many weeks there was no improvement whatsoever. At this point it had been going on for years but there became a time where it got critical. She tried to slit her wrists, but I wasn't sure if this was a real attempt at her life or just her way of dealing with the incredible agony that was still building within her.

Eventually we found a psychiatrist who was different. He took my mom and guided her down a path towards hope. Hope that she never believed existed, but he made her see it. I can never thank this man enough, because where others failed he succeeded.

She recently admitted to me that prior to meeting him she was gradually increasing the dose on the drugs she was taking (strong anti-depressants). Her plan being that one day she just wouldn't wake up.

Today things are very different. She has a smile back and is like a different person. I am telling you this because there is always a way out of any hurt you are felling. Always.

The conflict between you and your mother, and the torment your ears are causing you can be resolved. You must seek help, because there are people who can, and will, turn your life around if you find them.

You must make the first step and believe.

 

Natalie,
I think you need a lot more than this forum can give you about your life and talking therapy or CBT or Samaritans or Mental Health can help you or the crisis team.
You have a lot emotionally to come to terms with and you and your family will 're kindle bonds when you all have had time to 're think and calm down.
The old saying is 'less said soon mended ' give it time and please talk to someone to help you.
Tinnitus over time will get easier and the unwanted emotions will ease and the anxiety get better and we can all help you through it and never alone on here.
Try not have all the world on your shoulders and try bit by bit to put your life back together and talking therapy will help.
We all do things wrong or say wrong things when we hurt and wish we can undo it but -we learn by our own mistakes and that's how we become stronger.
Your a lovely looking young lady and never let anyone put you down as we are all equal and every one deserves to be happy even if life throws us big hurdles at times...
You can do this and build your life back up to the amazing future that lies ahead....chin up duck
..
..lots of love glynis

 

I totally agree glynis. She needs to seek professional help.

@Nathalie, I'm not sure where you live, but if there is a mental crisis hotline where you live then ring it. You are reaching out here so you do want help. Try and find a therapist to help you through this.

 

I know about panic and feeling desperate and suicidal. Many if not most here understand.
Get professional help now Nathalie. You are too smart, young and pretty with your whole life in front of you.
You need medication and therapy to turn yourself around. Once you get your brain chemistry more normalized you can be more objective about the beauty of life and all the good things in store. Don't be a quitter Nathalie. Be a fighter. Fight for yourself.

 

Nathalie, there is a lot going on in your head right now, a lot more than tinnitus. Don't do anything rash. You definitely need to talk to someone. On a cloudy day, we forget that the sun is still shining. I am sure the sun will break through the clouds for you soon. In Winter, our mood can be affected. I know I struggle a lot more at this time of year. I look ahead to Spring when the birds will sing and the sun will shine and the world will feel a better place, despite this noise in my head.
There is always hope, no matter how bad the situation may feel.

 

Hi Nathalie,
I would never claim to know exactly what others are going through, but on this forum in the past 3 weeks I believe I have come as close as ever to doing so. And as a means of coping I've been scribbling lyrics down, not unlike what you are doing - you're good with words! They have got me!! As a songwriter I plan to get into my studio this afternoon and put some music to them (at low volume) - something I haven't felt like doing in the absolute despair of my short time with T - it's been all depression and thoughts that never would have crossed my mind pre-T, even though I have had a roller coaster life, real highs and extraordinarily lows which are of my own and others doing!
T is a mountain to climb that's for sure, and it is the reason that other 'stuff' in your life seems insurmountable. I've decided that it's not going to take away that which I love about my life - I can dust myself off and get on with it. Have to! What do, or did you love about your life? Find it again. PLEASE KEEP WRITING and taking heed of what the great people on this forum are advising. I have! T is a lonely place as I've discovered. No one really understands, except us! If i and others could jump on a plane to Estonia, we would!
My family and I were discussing heading to that part of the world in June 17 to escape the Middle East heat. We have friends working in Latvia. I'll need you to advise me on travel!! Write!!

 

@Nathalie, I wish I could tell you that things would get better. I don't know that. But I also couldn't tell you things would get worse, or even just stay the same. I don't know that either.

It's a gamble. Life is. Please take a chance in yourself first. You deserve it.

 

Believe me. dying is not easy It's too scary. what after dead? Everything is gone or other world exist? I fear from none existence.

 

@Nathalie ,
Hope you have had a better day and talking things over nicely with your mum.
Great things can be achieved sitting and chatting over a cuppa and not arguing....chin up duck and make the New Year work for you and better...lots of love glynis

 

Please Nathalie, keep posting and visiting this forum. We're an ear for you and a lifeboat in times of desperation and need. We won't be able to give you a miracle cure to your problems but we can help in however little way we can. Listen to the advice and the kind words given by caring folk on here, it really helps to know of others experiences and just knowing that others can relate to your problems. I hope you can put yourself first and seek self happiness and then others will follow suit, you're angry with the world and you have a right to feel that, its natural but do try and seek professional help or guidance, I think most of the guys on here have, including myself. I really wish you all the best and I'll be looking out for your posts in the future. Take care.

 

Hi Natalie... My heart goes out to you. Please stop thinking of suicide. I would like to correspond with you. I may be able to help you sort thru your feelings and find some healing. I am a counselor ... currently working in substance abuse in Mn.

 

Natalie ,stay strong and have hope

 

Would you give up on your best friend?
dont give up on life, there have been people in worst scenarios coming out with postive outcomes
dont be afraid to ask help!!
even when it looks way dark, there might be hope, its just another step...
dont give up on yourself

 

You look very young. I believe you suffer from depression which is a disease and must be treated professionally and tinnitus can be a result of that as well, not your ears at all. You say yourself you want to live only not like this which proves you're only looking for help not for disappearing. Have you tried appreciating what you have instead of focusing on the negative all the time ? Gosh, if we could choose parents, probably most of us would change them . You write about your sofa in your room..try to appreciate that maybe ? You 're not on the steet, you don't starve I presume, you can afford to use the good things in life which can help you forget all the shit in it, even if it's only for a few whiles per day ? I don't know about your personality, but it helps me to think there are so many people out there to whom life has been far more a bitch than to me . If you want to live indeed that means you have to recognise there's some beauty in life - how about trying to grasp that ? Biological father ? Who cares ? You are you, not your father. You're a separate entity. You're an adult, I presume, so who made you shouldn't matter. Take your life in your hands, even if with psychological help and meds. Some good will must come out of you as well.

 

Take Ginkgo Biloba, 6000 extract and vitamin e for about 1 to 2 years. Then come back here and tell us how you feel. 2 years you have to be patient. There are many who got rid off this, they just don't bother to check here. Only the ones in suffering do. Check my own posts and frequency. Nothing more to say here. Do as I tell you and do not expect improvement for about a year. It takes about 2 years to be much better. Hope you are lucky. Remember; you will not see actual difference for more than a year. Keep doing what I told you. Mark my words. I have been where you are now.

Now I noticed: We are about 2 years apart from T incident. Be patient. You only got this now. It is too early. Hope to getting better is something I had and never lost. You must have it too. Many doctors may push you over the edge by telling you you will have this your entire life. Don't listen to them. THEY ARE WRONG. I am right. 2 years and tell me how you feel. It takes a lot of time but it gets better. Very much better. I keep on taking these 2 pills (1 ginkgo and 1 eviol-e) per day. I do not dare stop them, although it does not bother me now. I have this slight wistle for a couple of days per week that I notice sometimes... ;-)

 

Listening to you whine about your mother like you're some 5 year old almost makes ME want to kill myself, jeeeeesus. Only 2 months with T-- and you're already planning to tap out? Waaaah, Bitch, get real- try 16 years.

Screw your mother. Move to another town. And stop acting like your she is the one that should be responsible for all the shit decisions that you acquiesced to- the buck stops with you, period. You don't look 5 years old in your profile pic but you sure sound it.

Accept that your life won't be the same as it was before, and adapt. It's simple. You are a human being, and we are ENGINEERED to adapt to things, and believe me, you will- in time, you will.

You seem a smart girl, and also I think you're gorgeous , but you seem so obsessed with petty trivial bullshit and that is dog ugly. I'd hate to see that beautiful face a shade of corpse blue and covered in earthworms- so do yourself a favour, and get the f*ck out of Dodge. Change your life, move around the world, try new jobs, meet new people. Half the time when people are suicidal, it's just that they need a change of pace and to remove certain barriers (including family members) out of their perspective for a while. Sometimes your hobbies can save you, it can be as simple as 'I can't kill myself now, because I've got to finish plastering the wall' - sounds crazy, but that's how you keep the good fight going on.

 

Well......... at least we know you can't count.

 

Do you know how my hearing was destroyed? Do you know it was destroyed by a person I trusted and believed? Turns out this person was a liar and deceiver and had no qualifications to even perform the procedures he did. Me and my family are both to blame regarding the fact that my life is utterly ruined. We were all, including myself, profoundly blind and reckless in our behaviour by allowing such a person "play" and experiment with my body. There is a long story behind that so I won't get into details. It hardly would interest you. The most likely scenario now is to take legal action against this person. I don't know how this will work out. You probably don't know how terrible it feels to have your heath destroyed by someone else (or do you, tell me about it) and not having paid attention to the warning signs noticed before. If I had been even just a tad bit smarter and provident, all of this horror would have never happened. Do you know who I used to be before this horrendous condition? I was a wonderful and gifted musician, music was my life, I could have done so much in that field. I was just making new plans in terms of music and I had so much on my mind. Music filled my heart and soul with magical miracles, it was the only thing to take away my pain. Now it is gone for me forever. You don't even know what kind of tinnitus I have. Let alone tinnitus I have massive distorion, muffledness, hyperacusis, broken speaker sound etc. My tinnitus is severely loud and every sound there is I hear on top of the sound there is a loud piercing screeching sound. Doesn't sound fun to me.
Please don't say "screw your mother". It is not appropriate for someone else to say such things mindlessly. I love my mother dearly and no matter what happens, I always will. Even if she would hate me. But she doesn't hate me. She loves me very much. But I understand how hard my situation is for her. For a mother her child is her heart. A part of her. Imagine witnessing someone ripping that heart apart. Imagine seeing a part of you suffer for countless hours every single day. Imagine watching them cry and whimper, scream and shout because their disability is unbearable. My mother loves me but she hates what is happening to me. She hates what has become of me because of this awful ailment. Hate is just a shadow of love. If one is to exist, the other is sure to follow. There is nothing more powerful than the two combined. She is in deep distress because of what is happening to me, her child. I am not whining. I am trying my best to express all the emotions and controveries in me. I feel it eases my burden. Even if for just a brief. I am everything but petty. You don't know me. I won't let anyone tell me who or what I am. Remember that next time before you come here to write.

 

Nathalie,
Hope this new year brings with it lots of happiness for you and your mum as the only way now is up.
I think audiology could help you with maskers and a little bit of talking therapy to let emotions out and help you cope better.
Time is a great healer so try to relax and nice outdoor walks when you can to help you.
Chin up duck we are all thinking of you....lots of love glynis

 

The music is still there Nathalie, and I dearly hope that you can find it again. As I sit here with my T squealing my head off, I am also missing my music. It will be back though.
What did you play? And sing?

 

I played the violin (the love of my life) and I sang everything from opera to metal. I have very diverese and variable voice that can adapt to almost any piece of music. My favourite songs to sing were in the symphonic metal genre (Nightwish for instance).

 

What does it feel/sound like to play the violin nowadays..?

 

Please don't give up even in hardest times. We could defeat this evil. Concentrate on positive section of your life. What you like to do? Do it. I like programming, book reading, movies and of curse video games. I have been busing myself with these.We lost 30% of our life, but what about other 70%. I'm handsome guy (I think), and I smart and success in my profession. So I have many things to be hopeful. I'm sure this is true about you too.

 

I had my tinnitus start when I was young too, my Mother remembers me thumping the side of the chair and saying "I don't think I can live any more" or something along those lines, I can't even remember that, but you will get used to it, I personally would stay away from antidepressants, my tinnitus gets spiked every time I try a new one but that is just me you could be fine, most of the time the tinnitus subsides from antidepressants (if they do effect yours) when you discontinue them but it is pot luck with each person, you will get better in time, but in time, not over night. Best aid for tinnitus is to lessen anxiety, sleep more and lessen stress, that's all I can say, how ever you do that is up to you and down to you, take care.

 

Distorted and the sound is not crystal clear anymore. There is a weird screeching sound and whistle on top that inteferes with hearing the actual notes and melody. I feel as if someone was blocking certain notes from sounding clear. Also fluctuating muffledness when I play. In short it sounds nothing like before.

 

Dang that's a shame

 

A true shame indeed

 

@Nathalie. Didn't know you were a musican and hope you're able to resume playing soon. The violin is a beautiful sounding instrument, although I have a particular liking for the cello, and wish that I had learnt to play. My favourite music is opera and classical. Can you please tell me whether you are a soprano or mezzo-soprano voice? Sofie Van Otter is one of my favourite singers.
Thanks
Michael