I'm a Ghost of My Former Self...

Discussion in 'Support' started by Carlos, Mar 12, 2016.

    1. Carlos

      Carlos Member Benefactor

      Los Angeles, California
      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I have had t. for 7 years, I tried joining a group, its great but I find myself trying to support them and I don't tend to put my t. problems out there much, its run its course, its not helpful for me.

      I can't go out, overtime my t. spikes, I've lost friends because I refuse to drink and smoke, Im trying to fix my life with what I can fix, with this permanent defect. Im trying to live my life right, remove myself from temptation, learn about the Bible everyday, and it does satisfy my soul, but my body at the same time destroys me.

      Im 25, and I have the strongest feeling my life will end at 27, maybe because deep down I feel that is my limit. I want to die more then I want to live. My only hope is that I get a terminal illness due to all this stress, lack of sleep, and lack of hope, that my body slowly shut down, my immune system weaken, and disease takes over. Im ready to call it quits, everyday.

      It just gets worse, I don't have family, I don't have a father, brothers, or sisters, I will never be an uncle, I will never marry, I will never have children. The bloodline ends with me, that is all I am thankful for, the rest is invisible.

      I am becoming more agitated, more frustrated, my attitude is enslaved to tinnitus, and joy is non-existent in my life and impossible. Its over for me, I deny myself of anything and everything because there is just no point.

      Im a fool, but at the same time I have intelligence, I am able to help those in need, pray for them, lead them to the word of God, hopefully help them in there journey to salvation. But I cannot slay the demons inside of me, the legion that torture my soul, and harden my heart. I don't know what to do, or what to think.

      Im drifting in a broken boat, waiting to be taken under into the abyss. This is my life, if it can even be called a life, this is my torment, and a worse torment awaits me in the next life. Here we go...
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    2. glynis

      glynis Manager Staff Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      Hi Carlos,
      Your life might feel all doom and gloom at the moment with tinnitus but their is so much to live for if you look around you and reach out to people you know.

      Life is what you make of it and looking beyond your normal life to make your world as you see it bigger.

      Try some voluntary work in a soup kitchen or church work supporting others etc .
      Make each day count and I'm sure even with tinnitus your life will get on track with some focus on life.

      We are your tinnitus family and here for you anytime....love glynis
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      • Hug Hug x 1
    3. Fungus

      Fungus Member

      Wild, Wet and Wooly Wales
      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Carlos, I'm sorry to read this. You don't have a defect FROM your life, you have an addition TO it. Try to see it like some other part of your body, personality, etc that you aren't too keen on, but live with.....and largely ignore.

      Tinnitus is not your fault, and you do, somehow, seem to be blaming yourself and making yourself suffer for it. Maybe smoking and drinking aren't your thing, but their absence shouldn't cause you to lose friends. Also, allow yourself some self indulgence, it wasn't anything you did wrong to get the tinnitus, and shouldn't be seen as a form of punishment.

      Do as Glynis says and help out those who really don't have anything in this life...who would almost certainly choose to change places with you if they could.

      I went through my own personal hell when I first developed tinnitus and became suicidally depressed. For once in my life I didn't try to control things, and let others take the reins. Just over a year on and I am coming off the anti-depressants which helped me more than I ever thought any medicine could.

      There is hope. There is support. There ARE people who totally understand just how you feel, who have been there and have emerged from the other end.

      Accept that you may need help, too. It is entirely true that pleasure is possible, even with that racket going on in the head.

      The less notice that you give to the tinnitus, the less you will notice it.

      Do something that terrifies you...a parachute jump in my severely acrophobic self was one of mine....believe me, the tinnitus will certainly fade into insignificance.

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