I'm Losing It. Not Doing Well.

My visits here are less frequent, but tonight I had this urge to vent. I really try so hard to keep it together and continue living this life. I am feeling exhausted. Everything around me is falling apart. I lost my job, I cannot cover anymore my expenses, I lost a lot of money to useless doctors, I owe a lot of money (rent, bills etc). I lost many friends and I am getting more distant with the rest of the others. I can’t follow and engage. I gained weight and developed cellulite which is very painful for me as I am (or better say was) a professional dancer. My hair are even getting grey from the extreme stress.

My tinnitus is reactive and I suppose that everyday noise has done accumulated damage and after so much time I cannot hope for some improvement. There never was for me after all. I have habituated to the noise and to my hyperacusis to some extend. By this I don’t mean that i don’t listen to my tinnitus. This is not possible. I just can get some sleep without meds and stay rather neutral for many moments while I hear it. But in a nutshell I have lost the control of my life and I cannot regain it since I am weak and unable to do my job and engage to the things that used to make me happy, so even if I manage to habituate completely to the noise and the distorted hearing, I will never be able to habituate to the limitations and the compromises, as well as the solitude that follows. I was never an introvert person. For me to be happy, socializing and creativity was fundamental. Now city life and crowded places give me a really really hard time. Ain’t no fun.

It is pretty scary that there’s not a single day that I can’t think of the ‘s’ word and I am afraid that this option is intensifying and flourishing in my dysfunctional brain more and more. I forgot to say that i get vision issues as well. This thing is too much for a man to bear and the ‘lifetime contract’ is extremely discouraging.

Thank you for taking the time to read me.

 

Do you have a support system (family, close friends) that can help you out?

 

Life can be cruel Vermillion, but you can’t see the stars without darkness. Sometimes we learn a lot about ourselves in times of adversity, but the most important thing is to seek the love and support of close friends and family. Talk about how you feel and try not to dwell on all the bad things in your life. If I did that I’d never be happy ever again!

Life is a journey and it can’t always be a happy experience. We all go through bad times. Try not to be too hard on yourself and feel free to vent anytime you want

 

@vermillion I know how you feel from the depression and suicide issues. I was there and sometimes still am like yesterday. I posted yesterday about my struggles.

My advice is to to talk to a therapist as soon as possible. Be open with them as it's a 2-way street. Be open to coping mechanisms like DBT and CBT not to mention medications. I am not saying a therapist is going to fix T or anything. They will try to give you the best possible combinations of methods for coping. Treatment is really no different from T than if you have MS, Cancer, fibromyalgia, etc etc...

Also, if you are feeling very desperate and suicidal please contact 911 or a close family member.

 

@vermillion ,
Life can be tough with health problems and it is so important to have support around you and get advice on getting any benifit to help with rent etc.
Some talking therapy can help and with time your situation might improve so reach out to family for support.
We are all here for you and happy you came on here for support and hopefully the first step to getting your life on track again.
take care ,love glynis

 

As you and i have found out to my cost sensitive, 'creative' types who get severe tinnitus are literally the most f***ed people on earth in terms of suffering. This is hands down the worst affliction we could have got. It's like a targeted assassination of our entire being. Like you my days and nights which were previously infused with flights of fancy, are now entirely consumed by suicidal thoughts. To go from loving life and looking forward to each day to a permanent state of wishing it would end is unbearable. All sorts of dreadful thoughts that have never even entered your head before being struck by this, become permanently lodged there, taunting you. Like your mind has been hijacked by a madman and the only way to get him out is to sabotage your entire existence. What hope does this leave you? None. It's like we've been backed in to the most horrendous dingy, dark, damp, lonely corner of hell.

You speak for many of us when you say it's not just the 'noise' it's what it does to our spirits. It completely turns out the light and reduces you to a shell of your former self....... And the cherry on the top is that absolutely none of your family and friends can even glimpse what it's like and are convinced all you need to do is 'get on with your life.'

It's like desperately screaming in to thick glass wall that separates your from everything you once knew.

 

and this is why we need to push for a cure/treatment. Therapies and meditation just dont cut it. I am tormented on daily basis and I am just tired. I feel like I am 68 not 28 anymore. It is crazy how Tinnitus changed my personality completely, from a happy/optimistic individual to the exact oppositeI cant cry anymore even though my life has been pissed away and I know that. I am seriously scared of my future because I am not able to work, sleep, read, concentrate, write, watch tv..absolutely nothing. My T sounds like a metro subway stopping on the tracks suddenly and sharply over and over again, nothing masks it but Shower and loud traffic. I am always worried and stressed out, keep getting grey hair and gaining a lot of weight, on top of that suffering with high blood pressure.

 

It is hard to compare this horrid, terrifying condition to anything out there we know, but a "vegetable" analogy would be very suitable...
Except that your mind is still sharp and you look and move like there is nothing wrong with you.

 

Trust me it's not the only condition like this. It just may be the only condition you are aware of. Not that this is comforting at all...

 

Honestly, I can't think of any other non-lethal condition which tortures people 24/7 in the most brutal way possible...
Your mind is your sanctuary..it should be a safe place when everything else goes to s**t.

With tinnitus, you have no safe place..it's like you are trapped inside an otherwise healthy and well functioning body with only one way to escape the sound inside your head.
Mine seems to be fading, but I haven't forgot how it feels like.

Actually will I take the vegetable analogy back...most people in that state are probably not even fully aware of their dire predicament...however a true tinnitus sufferer is very much aware of each and every second of this CIA style torture.

 

@vermillion , I understand what you are going through and the desperation that can result from the relentless torture that is tinnitus. As has been suggested, if you have caring people in your real life, please talk to them, let them know how you are feeling and that 's' is being thought of, even if you have no intention of attempting it. If you do not, please visit the website I mentioned above. I understand at least part of how you are feeling, and I know what can happen if you don't have anyone to talk to.

Please, stay strong, it will get better.

 

It gives me hope when I read that it will get better.

 

I have ENS also (https://www.buzzfeed.com/joeloliphint/is-empty-nose-syndrome-real-and-if-not-why-are-people-killin) .

Only reason I even bring this up on this forum is to show people that , unfortunately, T is not the only invasive medical condition that has no solution.

 

I’m sorry to hear that. I recall reading that article and feeling that would be a very difficult condition.

I am unsure if people are aware, there is a condition called Charles Bonnet Syndrome (CBS) that causes complex, recurring visual hallucinations. It happens when someone loses vision through macular degeneration. glaucoma, or optic nerve damage and affects an estimated 20-30 percent of people with vision loss.

When retinal cells can no longer receive and transmit visual signals, the brain and retinal cells essentially attempt to compensate by making up images. Seeing these frequent images can be terrifying, often people report frightening images too. It is a struggle for them to determine what is real. There is no cure. They have to learn to stay calm, relax and recognize that the images cannot hurt them. Those with CBS can struggle with social isolation, too.

CBS is thought to be neurological with similarities to phantom limb syndrome. Of course, I think we can also see many parallels with tinnitus. The first time I learned of it, I was stunned by the similarities including the emotional suffering of those with CBS.

I actually think a cure for one — CBS, phantom limb syndrome or tinnitus — will lead to a cure for the others.

 

Agree, there are multiple other conditions, sadly, that have parallels to T. Like I said, it's not to downplay T or anything. Sometimes it's slightly helpful to know there are other cruel medical conditions out there and that we are not alone even if it's a different condition. The suffering is so similar

 

Absolutely. I feel horrible for those suffering with CBS, but also felt solidarity and even some hope in knowing that another condition has a very similar neurological link. Cures and medical advances are often made almost in error, when a researcher for one condition realizes they have inadvertently discovered something vital to the treatment or cure of another condition.

 

I do believe you when you say that you can't think of any, but that's not because these non-lethal conditions don't exist: it's simply because you don't know about them. Similarly, those who are affected by them probably don't know about T.

And just like we complain that there is no awareness about T, I'm sure that communities affected by these other disorders also complain that there is no awareness about them. I have to admit I had no idea about ENS until I read your link.

I imagined CBS would exist but I never dared research it. Now @Tinker Bell made it real...

 

Alas most people do know about T but most assume it’s utterly benign sound like the distant sea and only happens to 95 year olds. Not many realise it can be a f***ing hellish constant high pitched screamthat rips a hole straight through your being and leaves you pining for all you’ve lost every second of every day.

 

Ok not do downplay any other serious conditions, but Tinnitus is unique in a way that no other condition is.
Your mind is your last line of defense..it is your sanctuary when things go horribly wrong and it is your "command center" from which you are orchestrating all of your daily operation (yes it is true that some people seems to have this command center in their asses instead and I'm pretty sure we both met our share of individuals like this in our lifetimes), but my head is where all the files like memories and knowledge are stored.. It is what makes me who I em.

What Tinnitus does to your mind could be compared to a 27/7 hot, raging inferno from which you cannot escape..your only option is self destruction.
I'm afraid no other condition can even come close on this.

 

Not sure why my quote is in Spanish, but I stand behind what i said.

 

I would respectfully disagree as I can attest to other conditions I have that do the same thing. Until you have other conditions it's pretty hard to make a statement so broad. I am not trying to downplay your suffering either...

 

Well put. Before T, I always counted on my brains, knowledge and my health. If my house burned down or something horrible happened, I still would have those at least. But once that is gone and you can never truly be alone with yourself anymore, there ain't much left.

 

Most people with tinnitus don't self destruct, they learn to live with it

 

Except there are other conditions that impact your mind, too. Like the condition I mentioned where individuals see frequent hallucinations due to failing vision. They lose the ability to trust knowing whether or not what they see is real. Due to nerve damage, their brain attempts to compensate and in doing so creates false images. I am sure that is rather terrifying. From descriptions, their suffering does not sound that unlike our own.

 

Do you want to keep people from getting better because you don't? What else is your point?

 

I’ll take my chances with the visual hallucinations.

But what if everything else they’ve learnt to live with and ‘enjoyed’ living with is take away, gone, completely destroyed?.....Then ‘learning to live with’ this God awful noise becomes a study in sado masochism nothing more, like choosing to spend your life with a vengeful little vandal who spends his days goading you and pissing on the remnants of your smashed up life.

 

I can only imagine the equivalent of piercing T in the visual world: I picture it like having a sun in the field of vision that you cannot mask by sticking your hand out. I'm sure anyone knows we can't (and shouldn't) look at the sun directly - and those of us who have had the sun in our FOV even for a split second know how difficult it is to bear.
Just like there are various degrees in severity of T, there are probably various degrees in severity of visual hallucinations. It seems it could get very difficult to live with as well.

 

I actually had something like that happen when I temporarily lost my vision a few years ago. It was like having a continual lightning storm that brightly flashed across my eyes. Sometimes I would see colors, as if it were fireworks.

There was no relief, it was worse at night when I tried to sleep. I felt like I was trapped in my own head, I could not see to drive, read, or work. I could not do all the things I had once enjoyed, couldn’t go out with friends, couldn’t even retreat to my imagination.

The more my vision faded, the brighter the flashing lights seemed. But as my vision slowly returned after months, the lights seemed to dim. I still have some flashing occasionally, and there is a risk I’ll lose my sight again — permanently.

It was an awful experience but looking back I think it better equipped me to live with tinnitus. I think that experience helps me keep things in perspective for myself, too. A ringing in my ear that I can hear above everything is awful. Being blind and staring at nonstop flashing lights? No, no I do not want to ever endure that again.

 

I actually met a guy the other day who had just gone through a corneal transplant. His eye looked dry and he said his visions not great. That said he was still working, not depressed and not remotely tortured. Because of T and subsequent madness I now have blurred vision, get the lights when I close my eye and have horrible floaters. It adds to my Suicidal thoughts but that alone wouldn’t have brought me to that point. You would have to have a very extreme eye problem to be worse than severe T.

 

I actually read some utter plank online complaining about floaters and saying that ‘it’s far worse than tinnitus. At least with tinnitus you can just wear headphones all day long to block it out’.....maybe one day he might get a chance to see if his theory is right.