I'm Now Happy I Got Tinnitus

Ok, so that sounds a bit odd but I'll explain. I've been meaning to post this for a while... May 2018, I had temporary hearing loss from a flight. This progressed to tinnitus in my left ear, initially I thought it'd go away like a post gig ringing does. But no... It stayed and after a couple of weeks it was the only thing I could hear. It got pretty dark for a while, I genuinely thought I was going to lose everything. I couldn't work, I couldn't just relax with my wife, etc. I got worse and worse, really the darkest days of my life.

One day I completely broke down, saw my doctor in a frantic state, my wife thought I was suicidal. So... I was put on diazepam and signed off.

This did calm me, albeit really I was just a space cadet.

I'd been researching and reading everything I could, trying anything and everything but just in a state of panic.

What changed?

For me, I realised that this is a brain problem rather than a hearing issue as such. So, everytime I walked passed a mirror I stopped and told myself it's just a noise.
I reintroduced myself to some noise, I stopped the diazepam and walked every day, starting with quieter places as I felt under attack by every noise.
I walked and got to busier and busier places over 2 weeks.
I used headspace app for mindfulness.
Stopped reading every bit of research and news, as I wanted to change my attention.

Has this worked, yes for me it has.

Why do I say I'm happy it happened, the reason being is that it gave me a massive re appreciation of life, my life in particular. How I prioritise my life and time are different now, I get less stressed as I know most of the stuff we worry about is nonsense.

The period where it was really bad also broke down my defenses, I decided on the day that I stopped the diazepam that I would battle and fight for my life, so I went to counseling and then CBT for some historical personal issues - I wouldn't have done this unless tinnitus had pushed me over the edge.
Am I cured? Well that is dependent on your perspective... I still hear the tinnitus, it is probably as loud as it always had been. BUT... I now kind of notice it, then crack on with whatever I'm doing and I can go hours and hours without even noticing it. It started with a mini 5 minutes where I didn't think about it, I realised if that is possible for 5 minutes then it's possible for longer and longer. Plus I realised that whether it is there or not is actually irrelevant which stopped me from constantly checking for how loud it was, whether any louder or not, etc.

During my worst days the good news stories plus an amazingly supportive volunteer on a helpline really saved me from doing something stupid.

That's me, thought I'd share.

 

Describing the full and at times soul-challenging difficulties this condition has caused should not automatically be defined as "toxic."
In fact, I have been heartened and relieved many times by reading of extreme difficulties wrought by this condition that mirror and duplicate my own.
I know of no other venue that can be so psychologically supportive in notifying me that I am not alone when this condition unbearably, aggressively manifests itself.
When these subscribers have reached the nadir of their capacity to cope with this but still keep reporting week after week, this gives me real confidence that I too can endure such worst times.
We each have a specific, individualized tinnitus in tone and volume; each of us with even the best of intentions still reacts uniquely and differently to various advice, suggested methods of response, outlook, CBT exercises, etc.
This in no way implies that they are "dissing" or trying to dismantle the formats of those who have been more fortunate in achieving a better response.
Censoring those who have this more intrusively and cannot easily adopt a "positive attitude" in response to it would defeat the very basis and value of this forum.
It would be tantamount to holding responsible and blaming anyone for the failure of any drug or medical procedure.
Also, I have never encountered anyone who reported, for example, a suicide attempt or self-destructive behavior of any kind because of "negative" or "toxic" reports from those with severe difficulties and concurrent admissions that CBT-oriented methods were just not useful.
Those who do benefit from them do not seem to be unduly influenced by those who, because of the fundamentally established components of their characters, do not.

 

Yea, thats kinda where I am at. I am noticing that I am having those periods where I can say to myself "Hey, my T really didn't bother me at all for the last 30 minutes", or whatever. If I give my full attention to it, is is extremely loud and overwhelming! Yet, then there are those times where I don't even notice it. Whats going on!!?? Where my focus is has so much to do with this. It's so crucial for me to have my mind focused on something. Also, part of this process is coming to grips with the fact that for now, I am stuck with this. Period. It's who I am. And I am not going to kill myself to be free of it. There. I said it. Full acceptance, so stop whining about it. Even having suicide in our thoughts as a last resort is telling our brains that we have not yet fully accepted this and our focus is still on the T, and we are seeking a way to be free of it. For me, accepting that I will never ever be free of it is maybe the only path to be,...free of it.

 

Congratulations. :3
Just don't forget about those who have decompensated tinnitus and therefore are physically unable to habituate.

 

Not quite sure what that means...

 

It's just a category of tinnitus. The main crux about it seems to be that it cannot be "accepted" by a mind and then easily dealt with, as opposed to some other kinds of tinnitus.

Here is some info on it.

 

Every single time I read the headline on this thread, I get extremely triggered and agitated.

 

Ummmm, Never be happy getting tinnitus. Tinnitus is a bad thing, period!! It’s like saying, “I’m glad I became a paraplegic”.