I'm Regressing Back into Thoughts of...

...suicide. Since August I have been depressed over tinnitus. I moved towards habituation but I cannot stand this. I refuse to hanituate because that's letting my brain win. Until I can cause a gap in function, which it hates, AND deny it the ability to correct it I will never be happy.

My life sucks. I occasionally take amitriptyline for sleep but the side effects are hell. I chose to have Olanzapine prescribed over Gabapentin recently but think that was a mistake and have refused to take it.

I am afraid to listen to music anymore and do not enjoy it. Self medicating with marijuana and alcohol seems best but it has limits and makes the buzzing louder.

If I get depressed, it gets worse. If serotonin or dopamine levels rise and cause hyperactivity, it gets louder. This thing sucks and I refuse to just "cope". I want treatment! I want neural death and the brain's ability to reshape itself rendered useless. The brain is your enemy here, and until science embraces that and becomes hostile to the brain, we will never see a cure.

I feel hopeless everyday and just want the ringing to stop. It does not though. I have no control over my life. None! I used to love karaoke, concerts, raves, my headphones. This goddam condition has ruined all of that! It's deprived me of sleep and made me as depressed as I will ever be. The heart disease I will eventually get from all the fried food I eat cannot destroy my heart and thus brain fast enough.

I'm sad, depressed, and just want it all to end. I may be young but I will die with tinnitus either way. What difference does it make if it at 22 or 72? My friends and family will be sad, but it will pass, my ringing will not. The brain is truly a bastard.

 

I feel the same way. I don't pay any attention to my health anymore. I just eat fried foods and everything I cook is loaded with fat and carbs. I have a fast metabolism but I know I must be damaging my health. Heart conditions run in my family and to be honest I don't think I'll develop a heart disease or some blood pressure issue early enough and I don't want to live that long.

 

Hello,
I feel your sadness and hopelessness. Try to keep your time occupied with things to keep your mind off the T. Hang in there and hopefully someday soon your T will go away. Alan

 

I totally understand how you feel. I've been dealing with this nightmare for a little over a year now and it was really tough in the first few months. I know that you don't want to hear this right now, but it does get better with time. I , just like you, said I would never get used to it. I felt that it had ruined my life. As time went on however, I realized that it had changed my life, but that it was far from ruined. Your family and friends need you. Focus on them, and the tinnitus will eventually will fade. It will never go away, probably, but you will notice it less. The trick is to keep your brain so busy with other things, that it doesn't have time to focus on the ringing. Suicide is never the answer. You say that if you stay, you let your brain win. If you go the tinnitus wins. Please don't ever let that be an option.

 

Until you decide you do want to live and you will then wish youd look after your health.

 

Have you ever tried a medication that lowered glutamate? Do you think that would help?

 

I'm also feeling the same way. And it's not only T that consumes you, but living in a constant fear and with information that you know now. The most depressing part is that even if it would go away, doing/using things headphones would be russian roulette from that point on.

 

Life is hard and its def a lil harder with T...dont make it any harder than it needs to be... It can definitly be worse....i know this is said alot around here but a guy i went to college with recently died from cancer. He was 30 im guessing, not married, and had so much more life to live. Another guy I went to college with died last year of a drug overdose in his sleep. He just got married a few months earlier. I consider myself lucky...yeah i got this stupid noise and it affects me every day but i can still live my life and be with the people that mean the most to me. I will take it and do the best i can...if i fail i dont care....i have to try...hang in there man