I'm Tired of Tinnitus Controlling My Life

Hello guys,

I just need to vent a bit.

I am SO fed up with how tinnitus controls almost every part of my life. I can't help it, I have tried so many times to stop worrying and being anxious. Every time when I feel I have some control, something happens, usually an acoustic trauma (anything from a car honking right next to me, dropping glass in the sink, accidentally having phone/headphones on max etc) and that just sends me back to being in my bed, anxious and being in a terrible mood overall.

I don't want it to control me anymore. I get worried when I have to go to new places I haven't been before, what is the noise is too loud? Pop an earplug in and then I just sit there quiet because I don't want to hear myself inside my own head.

I don't want to fly anymore because I get anxious from the noise level. What if I get a barotrauma? What if I am just a little clogged up in my nose without realizing and then bam, hearing loss?

I don't want to be scared to walk on the street, just in case there is a motorbike or a loud car passing by. Or even worse, fire trucks and ambulances. I try to plug my ears as much as I can or run into the nearest store. But it's still a thought in the back of my head, and I try to walk to work as fast as I can (the faster I reach my job, the less time there is for me to get exposed?)

I don't want to hang out with friends anymore because cafées are too loud. Clinging with glasses, espresso machines and all that. Too much noise.

I get worried when I cook at home, that the fire alarm is gonna go off (it did twice right over my head) and I have to open up all my windows (even when it's freezing cold) just to make sure the ooze can't reach the alarm.

I get angry at my partner when he accidentally drops a plate when picking clean dishes out from dishwasher. It's not like he meant to drop it but I get angry because it is loud and I get worried it might hurt me.

I get angry at myself when I get caught in accident I couldn't control or forsee. I just dropped my phone on the stone floor with the facing lying down, and it was loud. I got angry at myself for even having my phone, but it wasn't like I planned to drop it. It happens. But I get angry and start to blame myself for being an idiot and now it might be causing harm. If not this incident, then maybe the next one. Eventually I must build up so much trauma it does damage? Or maybe it doesn't? I don't know, and that is the worst part.

Not knowing if you did damage, if you only got a spike, when the spike is going away, why I even did x or y. I should have done this and that instead. Why, why, why? Why didn't I?

I don't want to be controlled like this. I just want to be able to be exposed to stuff (don't want to be face it, one will be a few times during the lifetime) that isn't really harmful without going to full panic mode every single time.

 

I feel 100% the same.

 

I know how you feel. It is easy to get anxious about many sounds. The ones that worry me the most are Ambulance sirens, fire alarms, bus brakes, fireworks, car airbags and now to add to the list: baloons popping. Since reading that article which said baloons can pop around 168db, I don't feel relaxed around them. To think, I used to blow them up for my daughter's parties, when I had tinnitus. Now if there are baloons in the room, I feel anxious one is going to go bang. Can they really be as loud as an airbag or gunshot? Really?

 

I make these words my own!

 

I feel the exact same way. It’s very draining, mentally. This February will be my 1 year anniversary since all this t and h shit started. It’s definitely been a rollercoaster for me!

I was starting to feel like myself again these last couple of months until 3 days ago, stupid spike! I believe it was from my union Xmas gathering, which I only stayed for an hour, no music or anything, I didn’t feel the noise in the room was loud, but I guess with everyone talking, my ears are punishing me now. And then boom .. anxiety! Because I was feeling good the last couple of months, I decided to buy a ticket for my works Xmas party this evening. I’ve had anxiety about this for the last 2 days.

I’m going back and forth on wether I want to go this evening, but for some reason, I keep telling myself, F this, I am not going to allow t to control everything in my life! And then my anxiety tells me, you will regret this!

Well I decided that I am going to my Xmas party tonight, I’m scared but I told myself, make sure to wear my ear protection, enjoy the amazing catered supper, socialize as much as you can. And leave when the band starts.

This will be my first social event wearing earplugs, I think I’m nervous about that, will I be able to socialize. What about when it’s time to eat, if I take my earplugs out, will it be too loud?!

Didn’t mean to vent! Haha

 

I know this feeling. Even years after I got tinnitus it happens to me a lot. I just have to remind myself to take a moment to breathe, to be okay with telling people to be mindful of me and my ears (even if I have to say it several times), and to be compassionate to myself when I feel like beating myself up for mistakes I've made. And believe me I've made a lot of mistakes.

 

You can ignore reality, but unfortunately you won't be able to ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. Reality won't ignore you.

 

You are so right! But I have always been my worst critic, even before tinnitus. I dwelled on one mistake in my life that happened 8 years ago and it took me 3 years to forgive myself. With tinnitus it took a year because it was so draining to be upset about it. But these spikes and loud mistakes sends me back and its so hard to remember to be nice to yourself. But I will try even harder next time not to get upset of myself. Thank you ❤

 

I have tried to do baby steps with T. Go to social places (avoided bars) like restaurants with plugs in and check the environment. Usually the noise is OK if it is not crowded like crazy. I usually put my plug in and then keep them in for the event. Eating with plugs is not so nice because you hear yourself but its better than nothing if it is loud there.

Just be smart. Avoided the loud places and if it feels uncomfortable then leave. Dont push too hard at once. Let your mind realize it wasnt dangerous and that will ease the anxiety for similar places and events. Dont drink too much as memebers have been less careful due to alcohol and removed/lost plugs.

I am sure you will be fine. Just be smart. If your friends know about your T, remind them that you might want to leave earlier or avoid places so they understand.

 

It's scary and sad to see stories of people permanently worsening after exposure to a balloon pop. I've read several across different support groups. I guess it's a real danger. I never liked balloon pops anyway. Even before H and T, I would automatically cover my ears whenever I heard a balloon pop. I just have more reason now to stay away from balloons.

I can lead an almost normal life even post-major setback with earplugs on. I've gone to restaurants, attended social gatherings, shopped in stores with relatively loud music, etc. -- all with earplugs on. After I was caught offguard last July, I suffered through months of terrible and unbelievable pain. Like, are-you-fucking-kidding-me levels. All after only several seconds of protection-less exposure. Before that, I had mild H! The whole thing escalated so fast.

Now, I wouldn't dare expose myself to sudden loud noises after what happened to me, but I don't want to isolate myself from the world, either. And that's why I wear earplugs everywhere, they're like my crutches. They're inconvenient but they allow me to do stuff I otherwise can't do. Of course, I won't attend concerts and festivals, or watch movies in cinemas ever again.

People may call me paranoid for wearing earplugs almost 24/7 but I'd rather have them on than be scared of life. Even with earplugs on, I still get anxious at times because not all sounds can be dampened by foam but at least the anxiety is manageable.

 

@Fangen I feel exactly the same. Ta hand om dig!

 

This is so true. I swear I am amazed by humans' immense capacity for denial.