It Won't Stop...

Hello everyone, so where I live, it is almost 5 am. Another 30 minutes and I would have to get up for work but since I have not slept the entire night despite various attempts in doing so, I won't have to bother...



I'm writing because...well because right now I really don't know what to do. This disease has turned me into a monster. I'm crying as I'm writing this, maybe from lack of sleep, maybe from the T, I don't know...



I'm scared. I'm scared because I know I have to call in sick and tell them the reason is „I couldn't sleep.“ I'm scared because this condition has caused me to take so many sick days that now somebody else is doing my job and whenever I am at work I rarely have anything to do. I'm scared my boss won't take lack of sleep as a reason to stay at home.



And I'm scared because I don't know what to do when the sun is up.



I'm sick of everthing I have to do that comes with this condition. Since November, I have been through so many doctors, most of which told me to just take psychotropic drugs – which I will not ever in my life touch because my psyche is just fine and has always been fine until the Tinnitus came along.



I'm having another appointment on Thursday. Even though I know, it will be the same old talk, the same old result and I might buy yet another supplement that will simply not help. It's so tiring. Nights like these make me so suicidal. I have never felt the urge to end my life – up until last November. I am trying so hard to get rid of these thoughts but a night like this one makes one thing seem really good about death – the quietness. I cannot remember what it is like, when theres no sound and I can just relax. I don't what it's like aymore and it' killing me. I am desperate for silence.



I'm so aggressive all the time, I can barely stand myself.



I am not that young anymore, my next step was having children and settling down with my significant other. Now I fear that I will harm the child with my negativity and break downs from the Tinnitus. I fear that I will go insane, as stupid as it sounds.



And still I am sitting here not knowing what to do next.



What do I tell my boss? What do I do until Thursday? Everything seems so pointless right now. I have to make a thousand phone calls again, waiting weeks for appointments. I simply feel like I can't do it anymore.



Nobody else whom I know suffers from this as much as I do. I feel so weak.



I sincerely hope that I will find some sort of relief soon, I really don't know how long I'll be able to take this.



Another hour before I can call work. I hope I'll even be able to keep my job. This shit scares me so much I can't even put it in words.



I will look through the forum after this, again, for hours on end I'll spend time on the Internet just to come to the conclusion that nothing works...but I'll be distracted for a while at least...so...have a nice day/night everyone. I sincerely wish for all of you to get rid of this hell of a disease.

 

I know it's awful. People think that they can relate but they can't. First thing that you need to do is get some sleep. They'll try to give you benzos. Don't take them. It can make it worse. Ask for something else to sleep or try something over the counter. You need to sleep. If you don't, it will make everything worse, including your T. If you can mask it, do it until you calm down some. This nonsense isn't worth ending your life over. You never know. Tomorrow could be the day that it goes away.

 

Thank you. It's still like 4 hours until I can go see a doctor. I have lorazepam and all that stuff here but I do not take it because it turns me into a zombie and it's just poison...I don't want to mess up my sleeping schedule by sleeping during the day now so I hope I'll be tired enough tonight. It's going to be a looong day. I can't stand any noises at the moment, everything is annoying me I can barely take it. I just want quietness. I have never heard of a case where Tinnitus that had occured for no reason simply went away after more than 6 months of having it...so I'm pretty hopeless in that respect...I just don't know what to do with myself for those 4 hours until I can go to the doctor and get yet another sick notice...I'm scared my boss will be mad....it's all just a mess right now.

 

@Emily88 There ARE cases where it lessens or goes away after six months. I'm not sure of the link here, but I've read them. There are probably many "out there" as well! I just wanted to type that to you, because I want you to have some hope. I understand the awfulness of this. But please keep hope alive, even if you can't find answers just yet. And of course, your fatigue and frustration are uppermost right now, making it hard to think about hope. But keep searching this site, and in particular the "Success Stories" section. Reading some of those posts can be ENORMOUSLY helpful, especially during the hardest days and times when you need some emotional nourishment to keep going.

 

Excellent advice... Yes you need to get sleep. This will really help. Don't sleep during the day. Use masking to sleep at night. You can take Melotonin to help you sleep . It won't make your T worse. I remember when I first got T I couldnt sleep for 3 days then I took some Melotonin and I finally slept. Getting sleep will make you feel better during the day.

 

Wow

It breaks my heart to see tinnitus cause you so much pain.... For your sleep, possibly try melatonin and use a machine that makes sounds of white noise/waterfalls....you can leave a fan on as well....You could try tylenol pm or unisom as well. Your tinnitus is somewhat new, i understand that it is scary and it is a new beast. Try to remain calm, yes..not sleeping sucks bad, you can beat this issue....try some of the stuff i mentioned and just try some relaxation.

you can manage this, many can...it takes time and patience......

 

I tried melatonin - it does't do anything for me...only the hard stuff works but I hate taking that poison...athough tonight mabe I will...I feel awful. This is going to be a long day...my heart keeps skipping beats and I have the bigges headache although I'm staying hydrated...unfortunately, I can't fall asleep with any noise, that's why the Tinnitus is so extremely hard to deal with for me, I always needed complete silence to sleep peacefully...

I really don't know if I can do this. I have been trying so hard and there is no improvement to my situation. I have been thinking about suicide ever since the whole ordeal started and it's time like these when it comes back so bad. I just want silence. I came to despise all the white noise/beach waves/wood stream videos, I listen to them for hours on end and they only make me more aggressive...

I really hope I can sleep tonight...

Thank you for your kind words...at least there are some people out there that know how it is...

I'm sorry for sounding so depressed but right now all I can do is sit here and cry and it won't stop...

 

I feel really bad for you

You know i'm very stubborn and will not let tinnitus or anything else shatter my world. It is ok to cry, we can heal and move on by letting our emotions run through their course. I never did it but maybe a counselor can be a help to you, talking it out with someone could be helpful.

I have had this nasty ordeal since 1990 and it has sucked, but i will take tinnitus over hearing loss anyday... I am trying some hypnosis and it is ok, maybe you could try something like that. Maybe a hearing aid that masks the noise.

Life is still a gift, trust me it is. I will think of you and pray for you. You shall beat this and will live your life, I just know this. Please do not get hooked on prescriptions, the addictions to those are very bad and it can make tinnitus look like a walk in the park....Trust me i have been on them and it was the biggest fight of my life...

Be well

 

If you now plan to stay awake for the whole day, could you now go to work? You could always go back home if needs be? At least you're boss will be able to see how much distress you're in?

 

This may be repetitive but you really do need to focus on sleep as your first priority. Everything else follows from that. If that means benzos or antihistamines or other agents that will do the job then so be it. No one likes psychotropics but Remeron may be helpful in your case even though the first two days really do suck. Once you are sleeping you'll be able to manage the T. It's pretty grueling at this point and I totally get it.

 

I take a muscle relaxer for TMJ. It also helps me sleep. I get a great night's sleep now. I have also started not masking it, which they say not to do but helps me. I kept freaking out every time I would hear it which made things worse. Now I just mask when I need a break from it. Try just taking it one day at a time. Nothing says that you will have this forever.

 

Emily you are going to be alright, take what ever medication calms you and will allow you to sleep. I was freaked out just like you and now im doing much much better and act normal again. Google Julian Graham Hill or perhaps Kevin Hogan for some light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully your T will go away but if it doesnt in time your brain will adapt and push it into the background where most of the time you dont even notice it. Keep busy get back to work, get on an exercise program, take tai chi or meditation classes. Always keep music on in the background and keep away from sugar, caffeine, alcohol in access, and eat plenty of fruits and vegetables. Get your Dr. to do an MRI and blood work just to rule out any other issues. I sleep with bird and natural sounds from youtube and it works great. You will get through this believe me. I avoid stress as much as possible with a new attitude and you can do this.....

 

@Emily88 ,
I'm so sorry that you are struggling.
You note that surfing this site and the internet distracts you. Are there other activities that can help to distract you? Focusing on other things could help your brain to ignore the noise. I know it is hard to concentrate and carry out tasks with constant T going on but it is also exhausting....might help you sleep at night.

 

My tinnitus also starts November. What the heck, hey? Must be nibiru.

 

View attachment 10478 View attachment 10478 I've had my T now for 3 months and I understand how you feel. I was depressed and cried a lot because I did not know why it was happening. My primary didn't know, I saw an ENT who just gave me an "educated guess" .
What really helped was to try and calm myself down, It's difficult at first but it can be done. When you're stressed or anxious it worsens T, then you hear the T and get all anxious because you hear it and that makes it worse. Vicious cycle. You have to train your brain not to be afraid of it. Like when you hear the fridge hum or the AC going on.
While I'm typing this, I can hear my T and I'm not affected by it. Sometimes it's louder than usual but I try not to stress about it because I know it'll make it worse. I also think that's also a big part of the habituation process.
Have you looked into TMJD ??
I have TMJD that started 3.5 months ago, my dentist and 2 TMJ specialists all confirmed my T is coming from that.
While this has helped me calm down, I have not started treatment yet and I'm hopefully that once I do that this will lessen it or make it go away. I posted a photo I screenshot from a post that helped me get through. I hope it loads. Try looking into TMJD, I've read that that has been the culprit to some peoples T.

 

I can totally relate to everything you have written, but for the most part I feel am over the worst. For months, I went for days on end without sleep, in the end passing out through exhaustion, but it has got better. I was a zombie at work, but fortunately I have been with the same company for a long time and I went to speak to my boss. Not telling him that I couldn't sleep, but why I couldn't sleep. I'm sure that even if they don't understand properly, if you tell your boss that all your hear is screaming, they will understand how hard you are finding it.

I still have bad nights - in fact Monday night was a bit of a struggle, one of the worst in weeks - but it does get better. It has taken me a lot longer than many, being nearly 2 years now and I'm still not fine with it, but I am at least starting to live again.