My Sister Passed Away Two Days Ago... I Feel Like I'm Dying

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Fangen, Mar 16, 2018.

    1. Fangen
      Anime

      Fangen Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Stockholm, Sweden
      Tinnitus Since:
      December 2nd, 2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma (loud concert for 1h)
      My sister committed suicide two days ago. She jumped from the bedroom window, my parents found her right after when a friend of hers called after seeing worrying messages.

      She was 21. They tried for almost an hour, her heart would not be able to cope with her injuries. Her brain was probably damaged too. They let her go.

      I thought tinnitus was my curse in life. I never thought she'd leave us. This is the single, worst pain I have ever felt. I have had depression myself and remember how it hurted inside. This is worse. Much worse. The disbelief, the pain, the guilt.

      I saw her online today. My mom was probably on her computer. But I clicked on her chat bubble, in a second I remember she wasn't there. I had said goodbye to her at the hospital. I saw her, her being so still and.. gone. The memory of her there haunts me every moment I close my eyes. I can't even imagine my parents who found her. Is it messed up to feel glad not having to seen her broken body on the street?

      Everything is pointless. Things I used to worry or care about. All is trivial. How did I care about that at all? Why didn't I care about my sister more? How can I ever find joy? How can I ever move on? The world moves forward but I am stuck in time. I am preparing her funeral. Still can't believe she is gone. Seeing videos of her breaks my heart. I just want to reach out and live in that moment where she still exist.

      I'm dying inside. The pain is suffocating.
       
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    2. Dana
      Busy

      Dana Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Bucharest, Romania
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2008
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      not known, too many possible causes
      Oh, my God, dear Fangen, i do not know what to say. The pain must be ...
      I cannot even imagine.
      All i can say is that we are here for you, if you think that talking to us could ease the pain.
      We are beside you.
      At a loss for words.
      Be strong.
      In time, you will heal from this pain, which blindsided you.
      We are here for you, dear Fangen.
      This huge pain will go away one day.
      Oh, my God, you have to be so strong, now.
      Raise to the challenge.
      We will all go there, one day.
       
    3. Michael B
      Supportive

      Michael B Member Benefactor

      Location:
      San Diego, CA
      Tinnitus Since:
      2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stupidity
      Fangen, I remember reading your posts early on. You were always great comfort to others. I am so sorry to hear about your sister. It's time we pay our respects to you and your family. God bless.
       
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    4. New Guy
      Doh

      New Guy Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      3/18
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise Induced Hearing Loss
      So sorry for your loss....
       
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    5. Dana
      Busy

      Dana Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Bucharest, Romania
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2008
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      not known, too many possible causes
      I remember how you advised us to be careful at firecrackers, at the end of 2016, toward 2017. I wasn't. A firecracker caused me a terrible acoustic trauma in the first minutes of 2017.
      After the firecracker i often thought about you and your advice.
      You were with us in your mind, now we are with you, in our minds, hoping to get through what you have to go through now.
      Little by little, the pain will ease, you will not feel suffocated anymore.
      Healing will take time, but you will heal.
      Courage!
       
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    6. Tinker Bell

      Tinker Bell Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      U.S.
      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      SSHL from virus
      I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you and your parents are experiencing. I know it’s not easy, but I hope you will find comfort, strength and peace in happier memories.

      We’re all here for you. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need support.
       
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    7. Starthrower
      Wtf

      Starthrower Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      January 2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Dental Surgery
      I understand your pain Fangen.

      The guilt and shame and endless blame still runs within my veins...

      Start writing like I did above - years ago. Write your feelings and memories of your sister in a diary. It is going to take a very long time to feel okay again. There are so many mountains to climb when this happens to someone we cared about. Most of all when you are able try to find a real time support group if possible. Find help from a professional because there are so many different directions your heart will begin to feel.

      This will probably be one of the most difficult times of your life. You loved your sister and there is no blame or guilt that should be taken on by you. But that will take time to understand. Know that this is not your fault in any way. All the other stuff isn't important right now or even for the next year.

      It is a complex grief Fangen. Let yourself feel. And when possible let yourself smile again.

      I am so very sorry.
       
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    8. Dubbyaman
      Angry

      Dubbyaman Member Advocate

      Location:
      Northern Indiana
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Excessive loud noise
      If I had a time machine, I would give it to you my friend. ;((((
       
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    9. fishbone
      Shitfaced

      fishbone Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud noise and very bad sickness
      I feel your pain :(

      Loss of loved ones, is very very hard and it can take a long time to cope and recover. It's a day by day thing, we need each day to help us heal and slowly move forward. I lost a member of my family 4 years ago today and It bothers me very much. All I can say is that they, are resting in peace and in a better spot and a better place.

      Try to think like that. It's possible that, your sister was in pain. My family member was in lots of pain mentally/physically and now she is free and not in pain and no more suffering for her. It's hard, very hard. Today has not been easy at all, but just having the courage to live our lives when pain is there, is a courageous thing to do :)

      I send you lots of love and healing :)
       
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    10. fishbone
      Shitfaced

      fishbone Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud noise and very bad sickness
      I wanted to also say this. I have had no one comfort me today, I am dealing with this huge loss by myself and it eats me up inside badly. I tried to reach out to my cousin and he has not picked up his phone all day long. No outside family calls, no one.

      It's one of those horrible and devastating days that I suck it up and just pick myself up and show some positivity. I went to a lunch/birthday celebration and we went to a buffet. It was me and 4 ladies and I had my sunglasses on, It was so so hard to smile and laugh. I managed to not show my pain, but the pain of losing a loved one is the most difficult pain out there. I did not tell these ladies about my loss, I really wanted to ,but i did not want to take away from their celebration.

      My point is this, please don't try to handle this by yourself. I know we all need our space and need to be alone at times. When times like this come around, try to reach out to those that love you and care for you. Possibly find comfort in their company, get some hugs, give some hugs, Shed tears of happiness with them, be with them. Don't face this alone, if you have someone, be with someone and be a team and heal with each other :)

      I do have a dominant attitude as it shows in my posts, but I have a bigger heart and not having my family destroys me, but it's a pain, courage and a badge I wear everyday of my life :) The pain I carry outweighs, any pain that tinnitus can ever inflict on my soul...

      You don't even know me, you may have lost a sister, but you gained a brother in me :)
       
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    11. Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      @fishbone - you never cease to amaze me.
      Not just your courage, but also your kindness.
      You are truly my brother also,
      Jazzer x
       
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    12. Julien87
      Happy

      Julien87 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      France
      Tinnitus Since:
      2006
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise exposure (concert)
      I am so sorry to read this Fangen :(
      Try to stay strong..
       
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    13. glynis
      Feminine

      glynis Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      @Fangen,
      My thoughts and love are with you and your family at this devastating time.
      We are all here for you around the clock so please reach out to us anytime.
      Sending you lots of love ,
      Love glynis xxx
       
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    14. SugarMagnolia
      Jaded

      SugarMagnolia Member Benefactor

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I am offering a prayer for your sister and for you and your family.
       
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    15. Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      Oh @Fangen - so so sad,
      I am so sorry xx
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    16. fran dana
      No Mood

      fran dana Member

      Location:
      Argentina
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      origin unknow.2016 get worse because of work in armament lab
      I'm very sorry for your loss. You can count on me (and with everyone here I suppose)
      if that can help in anyway
       
    17. MBH

      MBH Member

      Location:
      Upstate NY
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Overloaded stress
      My condolences to you and your family, find inner strength to face the coming days ahead. Keep her memories filled love. I understand great sorrow especially last summer I lost my brother to OCD and I received T. I also had to find strength. Again, I understand, my deepest sympathy.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    18. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Fangen
      Anime

      Fangen Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Stockholm, Sweden
      Tinnitus Since:
      December 2nd, 2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma (loud concert for 1h)
      Thank you all for the love and support, sometimes it feels "okay" and some days are just crappy. We'll visit her today, I already saw her last week so I know the emotional wave that will hit me in an hour. It's going to open up all the wounds and feelings I've tried to mend a little during the last days. But it needs to be done, and I know in time it will be the best for us to say goodbye again in a less traumatic way. But it hurts like crazy.
       
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    19. Jcb
      No Mood

      Jcb Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      December 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      possible TMJ, came on after severe cold and chest infection,
      I’m so sorry to hear this, losing a loved one hits you hard and feels like part of you gets ripped out as well. Never be afraid to reach out to family members/friends and people on this forum.
       
    20. missingsilence
      Depressed

      missingsilence Member

      Location:
      Hell on Earth
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Who am I kidding, its got to be noise :/
      I'm so sorry for your loss
       
    21. Dana
      Busy

      Dana Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Bucharest, Romania
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2008
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      not known, too many possible causes
      And we say believe there is nothing worse than tinnitus...
       
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    22. notquiet!
      Scared

      notquiet! Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2/13/16
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music on headphones
      I am so sorry Fangen. I can't imagine the pain you are going through.
       
    23. Rajin

      Rajin Member Benefactor

      Location:
      PA
      Tinnitus Since:
      9/7/17
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Hearing loss ,noise
      I am so sorry for your loss Fangen .My condolence to you and your family. God blessings!
       
    24. Candy

      Candy Member Benefactor Advocate

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unidentified
      Am very sorry to hear that, you’re in my thoughts, please look after yourself x
       

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