No Hope Left for Me

first, I want to say thank you to everyone on here, I feel so much better when I read success stories. But to be honest, I'm having a real hard time and I just have to vent, I stopped talking to my friends and family about it and I look very strong on the outside but deep down I'm so broken, I've cried every day. Last night, I didn't know my boyfriend heard me crying and he came into the room and comforted me, I know he cares but I just don't want him to see me like this all the time. I have had T for a month now, and I'm back at work and trying to fake my happiness but I can only do so much. I'm just so scared for the furture, I hate that I can't be normal anymore and I always have to think about protecting my ears.

tears are running down my face and I'm tired of pretending. I go here and let it all out. I just don't know how much more I can handle. I want this to go away but I just don't think that's going to happen.

I have no hearing loss so that's good but I just want my life back.

 

I'm there too right there with you. I advise not to read my posts but about people who got through these first few months. They Most times say that they got used to it.

 

We've all been here, your story takes me back to late summer of 2014 when I my tinnitus arrived and I can identify a lot with what you say.

I'm approaching the 2 year mark now and my tinnitus still rings and rings but life has returned to normal. 99% of the time I am not bothered by it. You'll learn to cope in your own way as most do. The first few months are by far the hardest but you just got to hang on in there.

 

@Marie79 I've Read your posts, and I'm praying for you, me and everyone on here. It's just so hard to not give up. I have all these fears which hurts my anxiety. I know TONS of people that don't even think about it anymore. I met this one customer and I was having a rough day and he could tell so he asked and I told him and he said oh yeah I have that.... And I said you're not crazy like me!?! I have meant so
Many people that just don't even think about it anymore but I'm not there yet. I have good days, usually when I work all day but when I'm off like this all
I can think about is this little annoying thing in my ears. I hope you get better! At least we are in this together!!

 

@eldudebro I'm so jealous of you right now!!!! but it gives me hope! That's why I'm so thankful for this forum bc it gets me to vent bc no one understands around me!

 

Hey @Jamie m , I'm really sorry to see that you're having a hard time right now. In all honesty, I could've written the above post.....I know how tough it is to deal with T, let alone the emotions that go along with it.

I've had T for well over a year now, probably closer to two years. I initially dealt with both T and Hyperacusis for about 10 months, but finally the H went away and I was genuinely feeling pretty good. A month ago, I would've said I was habituated. Over the last 3-4 weeks however, my H has returned with a vengeance and I don't know why.....Its an incredibly tough pill to swallow. I was doing so well....

I think that one factor of living with T that a lot of people just don't understand is the massive impact that living with an invisible illness causes. All my life I have been a very energetic, goofy, and personable human being. That being said however, I have dealt with depression for the past 5-6 years of my life. I hide my pain through dumb jokes and a goofy smile. Now that T and H have been thrown into the equation too, it is near impossible for me to keep up the facade....and it's THEN that people ask what's wrong.....its just so difficult living with a disorder or issue that everyone else forgets about the moment you stop talking about it, yet you live with every second of every day.

I'm only 22, but I'm at a point in my life that I really have no interest in going out to the bar or concerts or house parties or whatever, but to some extent it's difficult being left alone every time my roommates go out on the town. Every time they invite me to live life and be out with people, I deny and stay home and paint/draw. While I recognize that art is a much more productive and challenging use of my time then binge drinking, I can't have much of a conversation with a canvas.....

I'm sorry, I kind of got carried away here, I've just been having a rough time as of late too. I guess the bottom line is I UNDERSTAND how difficult it is to live with these invisible illnesses. I get how much it sucks to look totally healthy on the outside but to be dying on the inside. To some extent, I hate looking in the mirror because of it....

Hang in there. I truly hope your night, week, month, and year make a total turn around. Wishing the best for you!

-Steve

 

@Jamie m Tinnitus can feel very isolating in the early stages. It was after my condition started I learned of several people in my life who also have chronic tinnitus. I had a few conversations with them about the topic and they too suffered dreadfully during the initial months.

I've got no magic words to help speed up the process for helping you deal with this. Keeping busy and just giving it time is all we've really got. It does get better though. My tinnitus hasn't, however how I view it has. It's no longer the life wrecking bringer of doom I initially thought, it's more of an annoyance at times, especially when it spikes when i'm overtired or stressed.

 

Hey Jamie m, i hate that people like you and me, and everyone in this community have to go thru this.
i dont know you personally but you seem like a great girl and i know is hard.
in my whole life i have never imagine this could happen to me or anyone really.
i have only have this for 2 months, so i really cant give you an advice but to share my little "improvement"
two weeks ago, i was working and i couldnt take it anymore i was so focus on the noise and to be honest people around me with their stupid "problems" where really annoying me.
i was like "why cant i have that kind of problems instead, why why why?" and i went home walking (its a 2 hours walk)
and i was crying my heart out, this has never happend to me, i was devasted, to me the worst is not able to sleep sometimes.
but i talked to my family, they are being really supporting, im focusing on the positive and what its most important, im focusing on being my best friend... yes i might not be able to go out to concerts or dance with my friends, but there are many many many other things i can do, this day has been very fun, i been laughing, playing with my dog, laughing with my friends, working my ass of, and listening to new albums, cooking something new , i can hear the ringing but its not my main focus, right now is mild, so id rather not focus in it anymore, yes its hard, yes this is not what i wanted for my life.
but what can we do?, why not try to cop, and show our self that we are stronger that we tought?
you are stronger than you think, you can overcome this, and the odds that this is something that can go away for you... is big! there are better days to come, and others that are not going to be easy, but try it
my mom was in a wheel chair for 30 years, she "contracted" a weird illness that doctors never found out what it was...
so my young mother of 27 years young was left in a wheel chair, she couldnt go to the bathroom by herself, she couldnt even eat by herself, and at the time she had 3 little girls to take care of...
that being said... day after day she was under a cosntant struggle, and depression of the life "she lost" but she worked hard, work on her health, she started to use her hands and arms againg, stand a little, and started to work from home,
10 years later, by miracle of god or idk... she had me no one could believe that she would get pregnant again and deliver a healthy baby, but she did. and well the rest if history... her life was differnt with a lot of struggle... but she manged to be happy and travel the world and spread her love.
im only telling you this because i know is hard to get used to our new "normal" but we can, and we can over come this

 

@SteveSkis92 Steve I really hope things get better for you! I was always so funny weird crazy and I was always life of the party bc I was always so happy and then this just killed me, that's why I have to fake it.

@eldudebro I'm glad I'm left a job that I was at for 5 months, which I felt like what caused my stressed and I went back to a job that I love! It's gets me to talk to customers which I love to do and gets my mind off of things, until I get home.

 

This post helped me today: https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...story-i-found-on-the-internet-must-read.4935/

 

@Jamie m Being at work is the correct thing to do. I stayed off work for over 2 months at onset and looking back it was the worst thing I could have done. It just left me moping around the house all day, spending it on the internet looking for ways to escape the tinnitus. So yeah, I don't recommend that.

It took me around 5-6 months before I felt "normal" again, but everyone is different. Some people adapt more quickly and others need more time, there's no hard and fast rule there.

Life is pretty much normal now except I'm more careful with my ears, which is no bad thing really...

 

@Mario martz wow thank you so much for your writing. I think we are all connected even tho we don't know each other. I look for comfort here eveytime I sign in, and this right here proves it. We both haven't had it for long but the fact that we found this forum early on will help us! We should all meet one day like a group! It would be hard but amazing

Thank you for inspiring me and making me feel a little better

 

@eldudebro yeah I didn't work for three weeks....it was the worst but I gotta make money!

 

i compl

im glad!! that you did feel a little better,
you deserve happiness, and deserve to be your own best friend.
dont be hard on your self, enjoyr your boyfriend, your family.

 

@Mario martz thanks! Enjoy the day! Ps I meant to give you a hug not a question mark sign lol

 

hahaha dont worry! heres a hug.
have a great day

 

Sorry that you are struggling hard. Your T is very new. It is understandable the suffering is the most difficult at this stage. But don't give up hope. Things will get better. The success stories are filled with people who have struggled hard at first but then they become better over time.


Why we suffer so much initially? Because the body is facing this new and alien sensation which can't be shaken off nor treated. When we feel stuck, trapped, and when there seems to be no available medical solution, then stress and anxiety build up to a point the limbic system takes over, and we function in fight or flight mode, making any irritation from T much worse and the brain zooms in on T all day. Also the brain may be flooded with many distorted thoughts called cognitive distortions, and very often the brain is fooled into believing that living with T for life is a total catastrophe. Hence the immense mental sufferings, many even have suicidal ideations.

Try do something active to help yourself, such as masking T, living & enjoying life again as much as possible. It will take some time but T is not an end game and good days will be back. I was in a mess a few years ago with ultra high pitch dog whistle T. I also had severe H which caused all noises too loud and piercingly hurtful. Worst, I had relentless anxiety and panic attack from T & H due to prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder. The sufferings were so bad that I thought I never would have good life again nor even to survive for long. But never say never. I am back to living a normal and absolutely enjoyable life. I wrote my success story and listed some important points helpful to my recovery. Here is my success story if you have time to read it. Take care and God bless.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

My husband always tells me to cry. Don't hold it in he says, let it out. If you need to cry, you should cry. Don't shut your loved ones out, and if you need to tell your boyfriend you're at the end of your rope, so that. Let him know. Educate him. Tell him how much you need him. It helps , trust me. It helps a ton. I even talk to my co workers about it. Theyr are all extremely supportive and sympathetic. Hang in there.

 

Honey, you can be "normal" again, definitively.

One of the worst parts of having T, is that we start comparing our life with other people we think are "normal". Insintively we as humans reject things that are out of the standards. Most of us, had no mayor problems before T, we were living "happy" and "perfect" lives, or at least, no with a "monster" like T.

The sooner I understood that life is not fair, and compared my life in a more realistic way, I found that, there are alot of other things, that for me, are much worst than T.

There are people living with Chronic Pain, really bad 24/7, quadrapejic people, or worts, people that have lost children (I'm father of 2 boys, I say to you, I can handle T, it is loud enought to hear it inside of an airplane, but losing one of my boys... I couldn't). And they are alot, alot of people in this situations. Most of them, young as you and as me.

You have a month with T. Ths is, like grief. First you get crazy, cry alot, then depression, rage, anxiety, then... sonner or later you will start to live your life again.

You are now in the anxiety, crying and depression phase, wich is ok, don't feel bad with you, those are very "common" reactions. But for sure, you will get better.

The best for you,
Your friend,
Johnny.

 

@billie48 thank you so much for responding to my thread. This is very scary for me and coming here really helps me. I have read all about you and you're an inspiration to me which hopefully I can go on with my life like I used to. For example I want to go to movies, and I'm so scared! I shouldn't be! You guys have already helped me so
Much in this month and I can't tell you how grateful I am.

@zombiechick my boyfriend is very supportive of me but he worries a lot and I just want him not to get stressed out. Last night when I was talking to him he researched it already and made me feel very good the fact that he wanted to know more so he could be supportive,

@JohnnyMx yeah, I know things could get worse. Thanks for making me feel better! I hope I do get better sooner rather than later!

 

You have to jump back into your life as quickly as possible and ignore it as much as you can. This is the common theme from most of the posters. I can tell you from experience, it may or may not get better, but it can get a whole lot worst if you let it. The less you dwell on this now, the quicker you will get better and the better your chances are at habituation and recovery. I know its not easy, but having anxiety and negative thoughts over this will not help you get any better, and it will only make the T louder. I have traveled this road already and you need to start thinking positively right away and stop dwelling on what has happened, but how you can move on with this.
Given what you have stated, with no hearing loss, I think best case is you get better and worst case is you have very mild T once you get better. Right now your body is in a state of flux as mentioned and you will try and home in on this noise and it will be very loud because of this. Anxiety, lack of sleep, negative thoughts, a fast heartbeat, stress, all of the symptoms you are experiencing only make it worst. Calm yourself down, do breathing exercises, meditate, do whatever you need to do to get your body back to normal. Once you do these things, you will realize the loudness will get much softer and you will forget more and it gets softer and you forget more and you can bring the noise from a jet engine to a very soft tone. Once you do this you will start forgetting you have T for hours in a day and it gets softer and you forget more.......... Please take this path and not the one I took.
Either way, a year and a half into it, I get on with my life with the noise still there, but it doesnt bother me one bit. I have hearing loss, which is why my T won't go away, but you don't, so there is a lot more hope than you realize.

Maybe read this thread. I offered some advice on how to get better and why not to get worst.
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/not-sure-i-can-make-it.10116/

 

@RB2014 thank you, you're right I have to just stop thinking about it. I need to stop stressing and look at all the joys around me and see how lucky I am. Means a lot that you have responded and helped me.

 

Jamie M:

As you can find out, I am doctor who has had tinnitus since I woke up with on the morning of September 24, 2013. While I too found the first few months difficult, gradually the brain adjusts and while you are still aware of the tinnitus, the emotional impact lessens and for most of the time, it doesn't bother me. Mine was due to age-related hearing loss and I use hearing-aids from time to time only to broadcast masking sounds from my android phone when the tinnitus is bothersome.

Anxiety, depression and poor sleep all act as amplifiers of tinnitus so you should consult your family doctor, or even a psychiatrist, about getting those things addressed. Contrary to what you might read elsewhere on this Forum, the vast majority of antidepressant medications and sleeping aids do not cause/worsen tinnitus.

Ironically, the other piece of advise I have is not to spend too much time on this Forum - by all means visit it from time to time to explore new information or to offer advice on things you have found to be helpful to others. Part of the management of your tinnitus is to learn to put it on 'the back burner' and leave it there. Your brain will habituate and it will become less intrusive over time.

 

Would you say trazedone could make t worse? I too and very much suffering and keep being told by my psychiatrist to take it. Other than that and Xanax what can I take for extreme anxiety at night to sleep?

 

@Dr. Ancill thank you, yes I have to start putting it on the back burner it's just so fresh and the reason why I go on here is to feel better since it's so hard for me to constantly go to family and tell them the pain. The first week when I was going crazy I could see how my mom was feel, she felt hopeless and she was in pain bc I was in pain. I can't do that to her so I keep things inside, I have a supportive BF but same thing I just don't want them to be in pain either. I will get through this on know, I have to be stronger

 

Agreed Jamie, you have to get better, not just for yourself, but for the people around you. Unfortunately, anxiety is more contagious than people think.

 

Remeron. Helps me alot!

 

@RB2014 that's very true, I often find that when I'm stressing out my boyfriend feels hopeless and he suffers too! So I'm working on that

 

I totally agree with this. Crying is a great stress reliever and catharsis. I don't like to do it when others are around - automatically I clam up. Sometimes if I'm having a bad day, I'll jump into the hot water, turn the fan on, lock the door and bawl my eyes out. Maybe that sounds depressing but it does help you process a difficult situation. It's a physiological adaptation to stress and it actually helps to let go of the stress.

I totally understand what you are going through. When tinnitus appeared last year in October, in spite of reading the success stories on here, I thought "I'm not strong like these people...I can't cope... it's just going to keep getting worse...this is so annoying and I can't get away from it...I've got no control over this situation...other people have habituated but I won't".

Suffice to say that none of the above things have happened. They were all thoughts generated by my internal saboteur. In fact, while I focused on learning relaxation techniques (they only work if you practice everyday) and overall wellbeing, the tinnitus really backed off. Going to the gym was a great stress reliever for me and I would definitely recommend that as well. If you find it too noisy, you can always wear earplugs (I tend to do this as my gym sometimes gets to about 85db with the music and machine sounds).

Over the last 6 months, I've met several people with tinnitus (in fact, my team at work, about 20% of them have it...from various causes). My uncle, father and stepfather have it and also my partner's mother has it. They all live full & productive lives and barely give their tinnitus a thought.

I would really recommend looking into mindfulness meditation and yoga. Science has shown these practices can help rewire your brain for greater peace of mind. I find that with regular mindfulness practice, my ability to cope when it spikes (which I discovered is when I am stressed, upset, angry or eat foods containing wheat/sugar) is greatly enhanced.

Try to take things a day at a time and if you find yourself thinking catastrophic thoughts like the ones above, try to talk back to those thoughts with "I am okay and this is going to get better and better as each day passes."

Hugs.