No. I Can't Do It Anymore. Suicide Is the Only Cure for Me.

Discussion in 'Support' started by Poyraz, May 16, 2016.

tinnitus forum
    1. Poyraz

      Poyraz Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      February 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzos, Stress, Anxiety, Loud Music, Jaw Problems. Who knows
      I have T for 4 1/2 months right now and I still could not habituate to it.

      My life has not been easy. I have had very angry and pissed of dad, anxious mother. I have been taking psychological treatment for the last 6 years for my GAD. I was just 18 years old when my docs put me on SSRIs. I have used Prozac, Paxil, Paxera, Stilizan, Destreyl, Trankobuskas, Remeron and Rivotril. My doctor put me on Rivotril last year this time to treat my chronic insomnia. I took it for 8 months 1 mg per each night and stopped cold turkey because I knew no better. When I was 6 weeks in I had tinnitus. It was just in my left ear but it gradually got worse and worse.. Noe I have it in both ears and head. I hear 5 different sounds.. THIS IS MADDENING. I had to quit school. I always wanted to be a good daughter for my mother because she has suffered aife with my my for 25 years! I promised her to save her and my brother from that life. We always wanted to start a new life with my lil bro and mom. I really don't know what to do now. I can't read. I can't think. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. It makes me so depressrd to see people continuing to live their lives.. I live my bf and his brother. I see them everyday living their lives. Going theor schools amd having fun. That life is over for me..

      Nothing goes well in my life. My lil brother is also about to go in jail. He is just 17. I really don't know if my tinnitus is due to benzos or the stress I have. What did I do to deserve this? I have already had harsh life. My economic situation has been already so bad. I'm living with the help of my boyfriend but this is just so much. I search the ways of suicide every single day. I'm really sick and tired of this emotional roller-coaster. I feel okay one day and the other day I collect the all sleep drugs in front of me and saying to myself this is the day. But I do believe in God and his punishment. I'm Muslim and in my religion this is one of the sin that is not forgivable! But I'm already in hell.

      I can't habituate to it guys. I'm also so scared of dying but I think I'll do it. If I won't see you again, thank you for all the help you have shown me. Gylnis(Or Glynis, I have always have difficulty in spelling your name. Sorry I'm foreign) thank you for always being there for us. You were always the first one answering my questions.

      Take care guys. I hope the suffering of us will lead some possible cure for next generation.

      As Beethoven said:
      "Applause, my friends, the comedy is over"

      Beste
       
      • Hug Hug x 5
    2. Cheza
      Wishful

      Cheza Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Oregon
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Barking dogs/stress
      4 1/2 months is not enough time to habituate. As I always say, the first months are the worst months. Your brain is creating all these new sounds and it's got your entire system on fight-or flight. Your limbic system is in control of your reactions and this is not something you can control.

      Stress is clearly contributing to your suffering. I can't address the benzos issue, but perhaps your dosage has something to do with the tinnitus as well.

      At this point you need to decide to ride the storm. Someone on this forum once wrote, "Your brain will become hardened to the noise." Unless you have an exceptionally difficult case like @Telis or @snow86, your conscious perception of the tinnitus will decrease over time.

      It's been over two years for me. I haven't habitutated yet, but am making constant efforts to adapt. Read the thread on acoustic CR neuromodulation. After almost 2 months of using this protocol, it seems to be helping me. My tinnitus is just as persistent but not as loud. It may also be your diet. Several members here are showing some improvement by going on a gluten-free diet, and especially eliminating refined sugar and processed foods, which act like neurotoxins on the brain of sensitive people.

      It's normal to feel incredible despair at this stage. Don't give up. You may not believe it now, but time is on your side.
       
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    3. Path Maker

      Path Maker Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic
      @Poyraz So sorry for your suffering!! You are YOUNG with the world ahead of you, and even if your life has had a difficult start, SO many people have difficult starts and their lives wind up being wonderful later on. You did nothing to "deserve" any of it! But lots of bad things happen in this world, and they are mostly just random. So try not to think in that direction because it doesn't solve anything.

      You are still here for your mom and brother. And for yourself. In addition to the tinnitus itself, you are also grieving BECAUSE of it, and that grief is adding to the suffering. But the process of adapting, while painful, can change if you give it your best chance, and your best chance is ... TIME.

      TIME.

      So please don't act in haste!!!

      If you are having roller coaster days of both good and bad, then do yourself a BIG FAVOR - get a notebook (real paper that you can see, not on a computer) and write down the good things on every good day that you have.

      This is very important, because then on the bad days, you can go to this notebook and re-read the good days, remember them in detail, and comfort yourself that they are possible and will happen again and again.

      Please read this story below. It was written by someone here who overcame a LOT of darkness despite bad tinnitus.

      You can too. Your life is valuable and you DESERVE to live it. Please hang in there and give yourself and time a chance to go through this process and adapt the best you can and find some of your happiness again.:huganimation:


      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/
       
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    4. glynis-harbron
      Feminine

      glynis-harbron Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Awareness Team Research

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      @Poyraz,
      Please don't end your life.
      Tinnitus can be hard going and your future might seem a tough road ahead but your future will seem a lot better after you get over the first few months and your brain filters out the sound and not see it as a threat.

      Life will get better and your family need you and us guys on here will always be here for you.

      I hope you have not taken any tablets and please go see your doctor or AnE for help and support while feeling suicidal as their is a lovely life to live even with sever tinnitus .....lots of love glynis
       
      • Like Like x 2
    5. JasonP

      JasonP Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      6/2006
      I have some suggestions that really good help me out. I am not just saying this. First thing, go get your hearing checked. I have a theory that the stress of your life and the medication has lowered your hearing. I remember a hearing aid guy telling me he knew of a young woman that he gave hearing aids too who was really stressed out and had hearing loss and then a few months later, her stress had gone and she did not need hearing aids anymore. The point is though that you are suffering now and need to get checked out asap. If you have even mild loss, get a hearing aid and have it manipulated to where as much tinnitus can go away. Go to a guy who is experienced in programming aids for tinnitus. In addition get them with maskers so you can turn them on and it can calm you down. Also, it sounds like you are depressed and have mood swings. I also had this and took Klonopin long term and then got stressed and my ringing got worse. I started taking Lamictal for depression and had to titrate up slowly and am now on 200mg and feeling so much better. It is amazing the difference. Lamictal was energizing at first when I increased each dose but then I calmed down to it. It even seemed to take my tinnitus down a notch! I need both of these things though to help. If necessary get a extended audiogram and a hearing aid that goes up to 12khz instead of the usual 6khz to 8khz. Never get a 6khz hearing aid. Audiograms usually go to 8 khz but called around and ask if someone gives an extended audiogram that goes to 12.5khz or around there. An example of a 12khz programmable hearing aid would be the Siemens Pure Binax 7bx. There probably are others so call up a hearing aid specialist that knows what he is talking about and knows new technology. Granted I don't know if Lamictal is the right med for you but it has helped me with depression. You will have to talk to a doctor about it. I will say that the hearing aids though have been a lifesaver for me.
       
    6. Marijana
      Cowabunga

      Marijana Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      My dear Poyraz..you've been through so many things in such a little time. I cannot tell you how bad I feel reading all this.
      You deserve to be happy, you deserve to live a life! Please do not let it defeat you. If I understood well you have a support from your boyfriend, let him help you. You need to stay strong firstable for yourself and your family.
      You say you are religious. If you haven't already try to reach God through prayers, because through rough times with prayers you are not alone. You are never alone remeber that. There is always someone thinking of you.

      It's just hard to find words of consolation.. I honestly hope you are okay and I wish you aaaall the best :huganimation:
       
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    7. Marie79

      Marie79 Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/1/16
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear infection
      You are still super new to this. Go to a hospital and tell them you feel like hurting yourself. Habituation IS possible I promise.
       
    8. Jkph75

      Jkph75 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2/27/16
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      I have many different sounds too. I keep getting new ones. As soon as I think I can handle it things get taken up a notch. I have had the same thoughts. The thought of having to live the rest of my life like this is at times unbearable. The thing is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or year etc. You could wake up tomorrow and find that your tinnitus is gone. The rest of your situation could change too, but if you kill yourself, that's it, you don't get to see what happens tomorrow or the next day. You just need to get through this moment and get to the next. We're all here for you.
       
    9. AWilson32

      AWilson32 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Gastroenteritis
      In the same boat as you @Poyraz. Don't feel alone.
       
    10. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Research

      Location:
      Vancouver, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      @Poyraz
      It is understandable to have suicide ideation for new T sufferers. I had it and so are many members who wrote success stories after suffering nightmares at the start. The suffering of the initial months or within the first year can cause the brain to think of an easy way out by doing the unthinkable. But very few of us would commit the terminal act where there is no return.

      As you say your are a Muslim and believe in a hell in after life if you kill yourself, it has been in my thought too as a Christian when I suffered deeply in the initial months and had suicide ideations. But the thought of a 'endless hell' is not something I want to risk. I searched youtube for people who had returned from near-death experience after committing suicide and had gone over the other side and back. It seems they had such a terrible experience there that they never want to attempt another suicide act. You ought to do yourself a favor to check these videos out to see if there are merits in what they say.

      So that was enough for me to say 'screw it T, I will rather stay here and fight the battle, however hard, yes I will rather endure a temporary 'hell' than an eternal one. I told myself that I would give myself 3 to 5 years to try to get used to this T sensation and try to live positively despite my ultra high pitch T and severe H. But before the 3 to 5 years are up, as I have nothing else to fear or lose, I would live my life abundantly, enjoying myself, travelling, living my life to the fullest despite T, and see if after that time is passed that I would still feel miserable enough to kill myself.

      It turns out that T doesn't have that power to bother me for that long. After a year, I started to have many good days though with many setbacks too. But in 3 years I wrote the success story 'From Darkness to Light...' as one poster earlier provided the link to it. I am glad I didn't foolishly and prematurely go ahead with hurting myself. T is not an end game. It seems like that at the beginning, but your perception of T will change over time. So give it more time. It is your life, your eternal life which is at stake. Why not give it a reasonable time frame so at least you can say you have tried everything and have given enough time for your body to heal. Don't do it and don't pass your pain to your love ones if you kill yourself. They will be so sad for the rest of their life. Take good care of yourself. God bless.
       
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    11. PaulBe

      PaulBe Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Cairns
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Probably sound, though never proven
      You aren't foreign. You are one of us.
       
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    12. RB2014
      Confused

      RB2014 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      US
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2014 became noticable
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loss of hearing and then stress and anxiety
      I'm agreed that 4 and a half months isn't enough time. You really need to think about your loved ones and how this will affect them. As a parent, I can tell you I would never want to lose a daughter no matter what the circumstances were. You can habituate and when you do, you will be glad that you beat this. I'm having a quiet T day today after over a year and a half and it is a good day. You can join me when the time is right.
       
    13. Alue

      Alue Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I'm 4.5 monts in too and still haven't habituated. It's a difficult time because at this point it seems more permanent than when you first got it, but you still aren't used to it.

      Yours wasn't caused by noise damage so there may still be some hope that it can get better in time. Hang in there.
       
    14. linearb
      Psychedelic

      linearb Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      East Coast USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      1998
      I wouldn't call myself habituated after 15 years and I'm still here and generally pleasant to be around so I think you'll be fine, if you prioritize being fine.

      If you're spending lots of time researching suicide, you might want to start by stopping doing that and reading a book or something instead. Yes, my tinnitus distracts me when I read, I've still crushed an average of 2 books a month this year, and managed to enjoy large chunks of them.

      You (probably) can't make the ringing go away no matter what you do, so you have to figure out how you want to interact with it. Do you want to live your life like you're actually on fire and only have seconds left on the clock, or do you want to live as normal a life as you can?
       
    15. glynis-harbron
      Feminine

      glynis-harbron Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Awareness Team Research

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      Poured hope you are ok,
      Get in touch .....lots of love glynis
       
    16. Armando

      Armando Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      8/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      sound
      I have struggled with the same emotional roller coaster there is help out there I have tinnitus and it's very loud most days and I struggle with anxiety and depression but there are treatments to help. I am also a Christian you said you were a Muslim and that you believe in God, well I'm a Christian and I get my hope and my help through Jesus Christ I pray to him everyday and he gives me strength to carry on and He has led me to habituation treatment which is helping. I will pray for you that you don't do this thing hang in there and please let us know how you're doing.
       
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    17. glynis-harbron
      Feminine

      glynis-harbron Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Awareness Team Research

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      Hope you are ok Poyraz,
      ..lots of love glynis
       
    18. Poyraz

      Poyraz Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      February 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzos, Stress, Anxiety, Loud Music, Jaw Problems. Who knows
      Hi all
      I want to apologize from each of you for wondering about me.

      I'm alive. I do not count myself living, but I'm existing. As I said above I'm in a emotional roller coaster and I have mental breakdown frequently. I was just so close to do the wrong thing. But I have loved ones and I know I have ti live for them. I just do not know how to but I need to find a way. I really hope I will never have any serious anxiety attacks to make me want to kill myself.

      Thank you for always being here for me, for all the sufferers. God knows I pray so hard for a cure for all of us.

      Much love
      Beste
       
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    19. glynis-harbron
      Feminine

      glynis-harbron Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Awareness Team Research

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      So happy to hear from you and know you are alive.
      Stay strong and keep fighting to be positive and enjoy the better things in life....lots of love glynis
       
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    20. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Research

      Location:
      Vancouver, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      I too am very happy to hear from you @Poyraz. Suicide can't solve anything, not even in the next realm. It only adds life time of misery to your mom and your love ones who care and love you a lot. Don't dump this kind of pain and unbearable grief to them. You need to turn to positivity to help yourself. You are a product of what and how you think, even about the tinnitus suffering. Just tell the devil to shut up. Tell yourself that if others with more problems, like those with severe T, H, vertigo, ear pains, pulsatile T, morse code T, if those with T without any love ones around them can get better over time by using some helpful strategies, you can too. Just don't listen to the devilish voice to suggest to you that ending it all is the solution. It is a lie. Try read up the success stories.

      A lot of young people have T and got better. My heroine is Zoe Cartwright who turned completely deaf at young 15 and then developed loud, unmasktable T (because she is deaf and can't hear outside sounds except this phantom tinnitus ringing). Yet she learns to accept her T and move on with life after some initial struggle. She even went to university and made a short tinnitus film. Then there is the young Melody Gardot who besides severe T & H, also got hit by a car at young 19, resulting in massive damage and great pain, having to be hospitalize for a year. Yet both these ladies didn't cave in and listen to the devil. They choose the path of positivity, moving on with life despite their T & H and today they live a normal and successful life. I talk about these ladies in my success story as my guiding lights. I hope you have time to read up their stories to motivate you to look at the T challenge with more positive energy. It will take some time and patience to get there. Don't give up. You are young and have lots in life waiting for you. Take care & may the love of God be with you to comfort your troubling soul.

      http://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/
       
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    21. JoelS
      Batty

      JoelS Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2008
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Military
      I so very much agree with billie48. Poyraz, stay hopeful and pull out every smile that you can muster. I personally have not read those amazing stories, but I will, because I too need all the inspiration that the Lord can give me from every available good and positive resource! Life is VERY much worth living Poyraz, even if it's a bit more of a struggle for some than others, I believe that the Lord pours out a SUPER-DUPER extra amount of grace and peace for those suffering the most, and encourages them more and more to hold on and keep up the fight and keep on living and learning and rejoicing and giving to others. I know some days can be bad, real bad to the point some of us believe we made progress just getting out of bed and looking in the mirror....and maybe eating more than one meal for the whole day...or for a few days. But by God's grace Poyraz....we gotta get up and get going....because. Because we really know deep inside giving in completely to that monster anxiety and his cousin depression just ain't the way to go. Yeah we may get bumps and bruises and a little banged up at times.....But we press on because.....Because our loved ones want us to, because people are praying for us, because there are those who actually are inspired by our tenacity to conyine pressing on even when we don't want to, because we were given life again for another day for aa reason, a reason that we have an sort of obligation to find out why, because no matter what, we don't give in to the lies of the Devil who wants us to end our lives before we finish the race that we are in...and most importantly Pyraz,,,,because the Lord God loves you IMMENSELY and wants you to continue the fight and hold on to Him and believe that even if your T doesn't go away, He is making you stronger through it so that you can give Him the glory by sharing that new strength He gives you each day, with others. I'm so very glad that you are still with us by God's grace, Poyraz....so very glad in heart indeed! :huganimation::)
       
      • Like Like x 1
    22. Poyraz

      Poyraz Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      February 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzos, Stress, Anxiety, Loud Music, Jaw Problems. Who knows
      @billie48 Thank you so much for your answer. I never heard of those people. I will definetely go and check their stories.

      @JoelS Thank you so much. These are very strong words. Yes, God loves us and we need to be strong and stay in the fight. I do believe we are the ones will be healed from this curse.

      Peace out to all of you
      :huganimation:
       

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