On Waking Up...

Before I wake, before my eyes open, I am aware.

It is there - as if it can’t wait to torment me again.
In truth of course, I know it never left me.
It will have kept me company all night long making sure that whenever I wake again I will be tired and depressed.
Another new day - but just like over two thousand days that preceded it,
since Ground Zero.

Another set of circumstances, relationships to maintain, saying a cheerful “Hi” to acquaintances in the shops, who will have absolutely no idea, as long as I can ‘pull it off.’

My nearest and dearest wanting to know how I am today, ‘am I any better, will I be alright, can I in fact cope today?’

Vacuuming to do.
I wear earplugs, but the motor inside my head is louder still.

Grown up children to see, grandchildren for dinner - lovely, totally adorable kids - I would literally die for them - but sometimes their (healthy) noise feels like it could kill me.
Earplugs in over a happy, normal, boisterous dinner, which I wouldn’t miss for all the world.
But of course, I love them so much.

Feigning normality, in a supreme effort to ease everybody else’s concerns, that I might be struggling.
I so want to be well, to be better, to be healthy again, essentially for them - let alone myself.
Not too much to ask is it?
I want to be the way I always was.
(Some hopes?)

Somehow I seem to be able to survive this thing, day after interminable day, stretching ahead into a precarious uncertain, future, the only predictability being the ‘noise.’

Each day a new battle to wage, of feeling down, where my only attempted defence is a session of deep relaxation, which when successful can lead into a somewhat comforting meditation.

Now I have to tell you - I would never talk to my adorable family this way, but then I don’t have to pretend to you guys do I?
You already know the truth.
Well - some of you do.

Those that don’t understand,
kindly ignore please.
No Arguments On Here!
Love to everybody,

Dave x
Jazzer

 

This is the daily existence for me too. It really is hard Dave.

 

If love could make it better Ann,
we could look after each other,
Dave xxx

 

Only we know the epic struggle @Jazzer lets have a meet up soon mate. I’m around this month. Big love mate.xx

 

I’ll be home tomorrow Bam,
I’ll be in touch x