Rant. Feel Free to Read If You Like.

Discussion in 'Support' started by Ilija, Sep 27, 2014.

    1. Ilija

      Ilija Member

      Jagodina, Serbia
      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud gig/year of loud headphone usage.
      Feeling down and angry about my Tinnitus so I'm going to rant and let some of that out.
      Ok first of all I can't express how angry I am at the media, nobody takes Tinnitus seriously they just think what's the worse that can happen from having a little ring in your ears.
      I am angry that I was NEVER warned about Tinnitus, my stupid metalhead friends think it's actually a good thing to them I say IF YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH HAVE MINE, they are all lucky, why is it that they get to go to concerts and gigs and everything and have no Tinnitus.
      And yet I go to only the 2nd gig of my life and BAM TINNITUS.
      Finally I was happy in life, before 3 months I was alone, no friends, no going out, no social contact at all.
      Then I get friends, I finally start being happy but then comes along life with all it's bullshit.
      2nd gig of my life and I get Tinnitus.
      I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO F@KING GO I JUST WENT BECAUSE I WAS SO DESPERATE FOR FRIENDSHIP, I knew I would have to wait for the bus from 12AM to 8am sitting on a cold bench on the bus stop with a friend BUT I WAS ACTUALLY OK WITH THAT THE MASSIVE IDIOT I AM.
      I never put myself first, anyone who actually liked himself would say "Hey I would love to come but I can't wait 8 hours on a cold bus stop for a gig sorry" BUT HOW COULD I THE FRIENDSHIP HUNGRY IDIOT I AM.
      To make things worse It might end up being PERMANENT I MEAN SERIOUSLY FUCK MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
      No 1 day Tinnitus.
      What happened to it has to happen a few times before it's permanent.
      My dad had Tinnitus while working around loud machines, he quit and never had it again, my mom had it, my grandma has it because she had an ear infection she didn't want to go to the doctors too, BUT I HAVE IT CAUSE I WENT TO A FRIGIN GIG IN A SHIT BASEMENT GREAT JUST GREAT.
      The only loud music I have in my life is the several month use of stereo headphones which I'm not even sure go to 90dB.
      I just checked all it says is it can go from 20Hz to 20KHz, probably the manufacturer covering his ass or someshit.
      That's it a couple of months of headphone use which I am not sure I even used at max volume and 2 gigs,AINT THAT GREAT LIFE REALLY IS GREAT ISN'T IT?
      AND THEN as if my life wasn't broken enough I get this stupid shit where if I listen to a fridge or my own PC ON WHICH I SPEND 70% OF MY DAY ON it starts provoking Tinnitus sounds.
      GREAT so now even when I get over my Tinnitus, which I did I still get the annoying ring from things I am literally around most of the bloody day.
      The doctors are useless, NOT EVEN ONCE did the ENT take a medical history.
      Yeah fucking right the just sent me to a bullshit audio test which I passed and they went, it'll go away.
      No have you had this before, no have you ever had damage to your ears no tests for loudness discomfort levels.
      They just said you have suffered auditory trauma and your ears are still sensitive to sound because they are still in the process of healing.
      I hope its true, because I WILL LOSE MY SHIT if I get over my Tinnitus only to have my fucking pc make my ears ring the whole fucking day.
      The treatments cost a fuck load of money where I come from.
      The "Research" only began like 3 years ago because hey Tinnitus won't kill you, it'll diminish your quality of life by a large margin, make you hate everything and depressed but hey atleast it's not cancer.
      I would rather have had my leg conveniently chopped off during my trip to the gig because then I would get a prosthetic leg, get therapy and be done with it.
      I'm a teenager going to PC technology and electrical engineering school why would I give a shit about not having a leg I sit on my ass most of the day anyway.
      And when the cure does come I can be sure that these GREEDY COMPANIES WILL GO "Hey if you want silence you should have no problem shelling out 1000$ for our drug"
      Mute button is coming out and it's going to cost 700 euros.
      I'M GOING TO COLLEGE I DON'T HAVE 700 euros just because some greedy bastards want to capitalize on people suffering from this.
      What else oh right stem cell, I hope that works and they work it out in the next 5 years, but even when that happens it's going to take me going to the capital city of my country to get the expensive treatment, so great just great.
      The media puts no focus on Tinnitus what so ever, there are no warnings on clubs,earphones,earbuds.
      Nobody cares.
      I was happy before, I played games, watched anime, watched TV shows, did boxing, but then TINNITUS BECAUSE FUCK YOU FOR WANTING A HAPPY LIFE.
      And I hate when someone tells me "You can learn to live with it"
      Why is it that we always have to LIVE with something, while the 1% get to have everything.
      Then I go online and instead of seeing "Tinnitus cure found" I see "Kim Kardashian gained 20 pounds in her ass" WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WITH KIM FUCKING KARDASHIAN AND HER ASS
      Before the internet I didn't used to believe people were this stupid.
      I didn't used to believe that some 70IQ whore could get famous for her fat ass.
      All in all I just want the sound sensitivity to go away.
      I want for the sound sensitivity to go away so I am no longer bothered by the ringing my fucking tv produces and the Tinnitus to if it's gonna stay, stay on the air sounds and leave it at that.
      I can deal with air sounds and having to wear ear buds, I'm fine with that.
      But I just want the sensitivity and the glooming paranoia that my Tinnitus will actually out of the blue get worse one day to go away.
      Why did I have to get Tinnitus?
      I believe in God, I also believe god is at times the biggest asshole there is.
      Whenever my friends come and say believing in god is stupid I simply shrug it off and say believing that nothing exploded into nothing and then nothing made something and then something made us billions of years later is much more idiotic than believing that an almighty deity made us.
      I feel like there is a God but I wonder, for a being filled with compassion and love why does he do this to me? rather why does he do anything?
      The wars, the hunger, the disease.
      Why are babies born blind, why do teenagers who are just beginning to be happy have their life ripped apart by something they didn't even know about, why?
      OH AND IF YOU COME AND SAY HE's TESTING YOU, I will renounce all religion if I actually start believing that god makes our lives shit to test our faith in him.
      I simply chose not to believe that someone who is supposed to be all knowing has the mental attitude of a bitchy girlfriend that makes me call her 50times a day to make sure I'm not cheating on her.
      THERE RANT OVER TINNITUS SUCKS AND SO DOES LIFE, see you all tomorrow when I'm cooled down.
      • Hug x 7
      • Winner x 3
      • Like x 1
      • Agree x 1
      • Informative x 1
    2. cjb2811
      No Mood

      cjb2811 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Lamictal & Tegretol
      I feel your pain. I was on another message board dealing with certain types of relationship problems and over there they said it is best to just write, write, write, get it all out.

      I've screamed. Punched things. Threw a glass at my wall and shattered it. Tore apart someone on YouTube who made a video mocking tinnitus. My ex's aunt gave me one of those stupid fucking "Ring Stop" bottles thinking it would help. I threw it so hard and so far away from me because these "remedies" are pure scams nothing else.

      My point is, it's good to get your frustration out. However, I hope you don't do anything self-destructive. God knows I've had too many nights where I drank too much and made bad decisions thanks to the tinnitus. Nothing wrong with ranting, screaming, venting, all of the above. But please try hard not to hurt yourself in the process.
      • Like Like x 1
    3. AUTHOR

      Ilija Member

      Jagodina, Serbia
      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud gig/year of loud headphone usage.
      Nah I'm not going to start cutting myself or anything stupid like that, It's just frustrating how PC's and TV's make my ears ring after a while, makes me feel like my brain won't let go on purpose.
      Like I said I'm fine with Tinnitus I just hate the reactive part of it and I'm hoping it'll go way in time.
    4. Dennis MacDonald

      Dennis MacDonald Member Benefactor

      Bradenton, Fl
      Tinnitus Since:
      20 years
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      One of the greatest rants I have ever read................ Fits my feelings to a T. Great post.
      • Agree Agree x 1
    5. Mr-T

      Mr-T Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Over exposure to loud music
      Go on ... Get it out! Best rant ever!!!

      I too screwed my hearing going to live shows and gigging.

      Went to see ACDC when I was 15, some 20 years ago. Had tinnitus for 3 days after, ears never really recovered after that.

      Hope you start to feel better soon chap ;)
    6. KyushuKris

      KyushuKris Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Yeah man, totally feeling it. Fucking T, FUCK THE T. All you can do is laugh about it at the end of the day, shit happens, you know...just play some online COD or something, kill and teabag a bunch of noobs, it'll cheer you up.
    7. Fangen

      Fangen Member Benefactor

      Stockholm, Sweden
      Tinnitus Since:
      December 2nd, 2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma (loud concert for 1h)
      Totally get you. You should rant all you want, I read through it all. I have been angry from time to time, other time being more sad than anything.
      I don't believe in God, never have and never will. I can only put faith in myself that I will overcome it. I can't trust in any God (but I understand why people do it, but I could never). I usually see myself as a logical person, but my actions before T was not logical at all.
      I got my T from a concert as well, my third one in my whole life. I didn't really wanna go either, went anyway because well, why not? Stupidest thing I have done so far without hesitation.
      We'll be okay again. Promise. But I understand the fury inside of you, having stupid people that get rich and famous and don't care about anyone but themselves. But there are lots of great people out there, famous or not. Suffering or not suffering from various things, we just don't hear about it that often.

      Take care <3
      • Agree Agree x 1
    8. walkthroughwalls

      walkthroughwalls Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      I also read through all of it, it's a very recognisable rant. You're definitely not the only one with bad luck, non-understanding peers and some 'bad decisions in hindsight'... If these things make you 'a massive idiot', then count me in as well ;)

      I was going to change my life for the better, go to university and do well... One month in I got tinnitus and now I'm struggling to even stay in the school. I acquired tinnitus by playing one rehearsal with a band I didn't even care that much about. I wore earplug while the others did not, and somehow they're fine and I'm here.

      Many years earlier I was also 'manipulated into' a bad relationship. Just because I was depressed and the other person seemed like the only one who cared. I was pushed into some things that I wasn't comfortable with. I also tend to care more about others than I do about myself.

      And while we can't do anything about bad luck, we can improve our decision-making skills. This requires looking at things in an analytical way, and by reading your rant, you seem to be quite good at that already :)
      Also, there is significant progress in educating the public about hearing loss and tinnitus in The Netherlands, although that probably feels like an insignificant drop in the ocean from where you are :(

      PS. Who on earth is this Kim Kardashian? o_O
    9. HeavyGroovist

      HeavyGroovist Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Same thing happened to me - Tinnitus out of nowhere, it seems extremely against the odds that I would get it during the first time I didn't protect one of my ears during band practice but it happened.
      I don't know how your life is, but if people honestly mock your condition, then you should avoid them.
      There are also people that just don't understand - those you should actually educate on the subject if they happen to care.
      I have the PC noise problem as well (like holy crap, I had to check if this wasn't my thread I wrote while sleepwalking or some shit) and let me tell you - your audio peripherals can be your best friends. Put some background noise on (rainymood.com , Noisli.com , there's one site with downloads of decent recordings of beaches, rainy forests and stuff, just don't EVER go to youtube for that kind of stuff. Music is fine too, if you're not trying to focus on anything) and forget about the issue.
      Don't try to pay anyone anything for treating you - it's all bullshit. I know what you mean with the "doctors" - health care sucks blue, sweaty monkey balls where I live too.
      Basically, there's no proven cure for this right now and all you can do is try to change yourself.
      Because your T isn't a part of your body (like the leg you mentioned) and you don't need it to properly function as a human being, you can just leave it out of your attention. A lot of people talk about that stuff on here and on youtube and since we have to do it anyway, I see it as a good opportunity to become mental tanks that we both clearly need to become (I'm not friendship hungry, because I'm too awkward to engage in such relations at all most of the time, but I am sorts of mentally unstable).
      I don't want to keep saying that I know where you're at (though there are SO many similarities in the way we got and respond to T) or tell you what to think. For now I'll just remind you of a thing.
      You know those teary moments in documentaries and films where an old\ill person says stuff like "you made me feel young\healthy again"? It doesn't last forever, but those moments give people the drive to go on.
      Also - ask around. Ask who, about what? Well, your grandparents, parents and their friends, about what health issues bother or bothered them and the people they know. Like, holy shit, you can get nightmares listening to that shit, we seem to be the lucky goddamn ones to be able to breathe like normal people!
      And if you don't have any grandparents then they sure as hell don't feel better than you right now. (was that a cruel joke to make? probably, huh.)

      It seems to me like the most important thing when getting a condition that is either uncurable or not likely to be cured is changing your mindset from being happy about how little you're affected by to enjoying what second hand, off-brand parody of a healthy man's life you have left.
      Just realise that while T is a very specific and unpopular condition to have, it's not the only thing that can destroy a person's way of living. We're both pretty young, but it's necessary to realise that nobody stays invincible forever and a milion different things will get to us in no time at all - life is just like that. You're young, healthy, then you get ill and you die. There are exceptions to the rule that go both ways, I just want to be in the middle myself.

      Also, I wanted to go to sound engineering. Think of how fun that would be with tinnitus, huh? Your ears might be messed up, but you have the senses and noggin neccessary to continue working if front of a screen left untouched. You can even write a book about how hard it was for you when you become famous for what you might achieve.

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