Realization While Applying for a Job

For those of you that know me a bit, you know that before this thing happened to me I had spent a career in emergencies, war zone stabilization efforts, elections, and diplomacy, all at a low enough level that you would have never heard of me.

I've worked consistently through my injury, though it was really hard. I flat out wasn't as good as I was before and had to figure out how to work with this handicap. Fast forward 3 years, I've gotten good at functioning with severe tinnitus, mostly by allowing the entirety of my cognition to disengage so I can compensate for my condition. Shitty way to have to exist, but tolerable, if just.

This leaves me at 85% of what I once was. I used to be very very good at what I did, now I'm just good enough. I do a good enough job giving a B level of engagement and achieving a B level output.

What is strange is that right now I'm applying for a job that really demands near 100% engagement to do well. I know the words I should write on the page describing my current state as how I functioned before my injury. But what I am describing is not how I function anymore, I just want to convince myself that if I throw myself in to the fire so that I am strong enough now that I will function by reflex at a 100%.

But I can't know if I'm able.

Weird, be my whole story of 3+ years us that I just have to keep fighting, get stronger, push on, fuck sympathy, just want the strength, will, and humor to push through. It may be joyless but it is the only way I can figure to keep going through this horrible condition.

Come on Dr. Shore, my willpower is finite, get this treatment out there.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Peace.

 

Hi @AfroSnowman -- Vent away! That's what we're here for. I don't have to much to offer--except--to pass along something my wife shared with me yesterday. She's in a writing group that talks about any number of topics, and one theme that was touched on was to "move at the speed of love".

I immediately began to think of how I could apply that to my own approach to dealing with tinnitus. So many times I find myself in the same mode as you, fighting, pushing, etc. But I'm going to seriously consider this "moving at the speed of love". Thought I'd pass it along. -- Take care!

 

You know what they say, "Fake it till you make it."

You may only feel like you're 85% up for the demands of this job, but they don't need to know that. Just do your best, and you may be surprised to find out that your performance is more than adequate for the tasks given to you. Remember too that any time a person starts a new job, there's a certain amount of leeway given because the person is new and learning the ropes. You may find that people are very helpful and accommodating just on account of that.

Best wishes on the application process, and yes, you can always vent here. I can't think of a more supportive group of people than the people on this board.

I like what @Lane said about moving at the speed of love. Those are wise words.

Learn to love yourself as you are.