Really Suicidal — I Don't Know What to Do

Discussion in 'Support' started by AGAG, Sep 2, 2016.

tinnitus forum
    1. AGAG

      AGAG Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      March 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      Hi everyone,

      I am posting because I don't know what to do at this stage. I am totally at the end of my rope.

      I got T in March, only in left ear, several sounds, the most annoying one was a very high pitch hissing noise, but I also had the usual ringing(s). Long story short, ENTs saw nothing wrong, no hearing loss, very slight TMJ which I've had for years, but does not really explain the sudden onset of T. No acoustic trauma. Only other symptoms present was a feeling of trapped mucus in both ears, more or less pronounced depending on the days. Nose was also quite congested with no external secretion. It just felt dry and often blocked, but this also varies from day to day. ENTs said there was a bit of an inflammation in the nasal area but nothing serious. Apart from this, like many people, I used to ear a pretty loud clicking noise only in my left ear whenever I swallow - it has been the case for years. Since March this click has been much louder.

      Things gradually got better over the last months, the ringings went away, and the hissing noise remained but faded away into the background, also decreasing in volume, to the point where I did not really care if I heard it (which was rare). Things were definitely going in the right direction. I even considered writing a success story here...

      And then this Monday, I slipped on a wet floor and fell. My head did not hit the ground, I just fell on my left side. An hour later I lied down in bed and immediately noticed that T was much, much stronger, the ringing(s) were suddenly back - and then there is this new hissing tone, very high picth, which almost never stops. T is still only in my left ear, right one is fine. It feels like I have an electrical machine running in my left ear. I can hear and 'feel' it over everything. The volume sometimes decreases a bit, but then it goes up again. The ringings also come and go, there are moments when they are just not there, and then they come back. I saw a chiro in emergency yesterday, just in case I was missing something on this front. No change in T.

      In the morning it is almost non existent - I wake up and I can almost hear silence. But then about an hour later the hissing start, mild first, and is very strong from noon onwards. I am on sleeping pills again - had stopped taking them three weeks ago as my T was so low. And I do sleep 6 hours straight, so my mood is not really dependent upon lack of sleep. I just feel desperate because of the noise, nothing else.

      I have read this forum extensively over the last few months (including the positivity thread, and the negativity one). I can't focus on anything else but the sound. It ruins every single moment of my life. Every little joy I could get from my children. Back to Silence does not seem to work for me. The only thing which is true is that 'I can hear my T over everything and I feel utterly desperate that I do'. I just went through the tougher 5 months in my life with this, and really thought the end was in sight, and to see that things are now so much worse is killing me. Literally. Dying is the only way to stop the noise I can think of, and if it does, that's good enough for me.

      I don't want to be told it is due to stress, or that stress does have an impact upon it - I totally agree that it may be the case for most T, but over the last months, one thing was very clear: it did not matter one single bit whether I was stressed or not. Some days I was extremely stressed but objectively noticed that the T was indeed less loud. Other days I was a bit less stressed and noticed that the T was in fact a bit louder than the day before. It fluctuates. It is not that I 'perceive' it more or less depending on my stress levels: it is objectively either louder or lower.

      I am not sure what I expect to hear from you, frankly. I guess I would like to know whether what I am going through can be considered as a spike. It has been going on for 5 days now, with no real improvement. I don't know how long a spike can last. I guess I could live with the thought that it will get back to baseline (especially so since the baseline in question was so mild), but right now I don't really think it will. I would also like to ask you whether you have any idea about what caused this new onset - for me it is likely that the fall has something to do with it, but I am not sure how it could have triggered it.

      The only thing I did apart from seeing a chiro is to get another ENT appointment - but I am pretty sure the doc will find my ears perfect, as usual. This is essentially to get an MRI, since I wonder whether that would show something on the left side.

      Any ideas/input that could be of help?
       
      • Hug Hug x 5
    2. glynis-harbron
      Feminine

      glynis-harbron Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Awareness Team Research

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      Hi AGAG.
      Sorry to hear you had a fall and could be the cause of the spike or any number of reasons but it should settle down to base line over the next coming days so try to do what you can to get through the spike with nice treats and sound therapy.

      Tinnitus can be real mental torture so try do what you can keep your mood up and sleep and eat well and get out in the fresh air and keep sound on around you and try relax and don't let anxiety take hold thinking of the" what if" thoughts...
      Give it time and I'm sure it will settle....lots of love glynis
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    3. ShaunR

      ShaunR Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      June 2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Concert + Motorbike
      Hey,
      I know exactly what you going through. I've had T for going on 12 years now. Over that time i've had my fair share of spikes and every single time its returned to its hissy ringy base line. Personally i think spikes are us just becoming briefly more aware of the T. 'Oh shit that was loud' and your back listening to it and gauging it again.

      You wont believe it now but it will settle down again!

      Shaun.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    4. JasonP

      JasonP Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      6/2006
      I need to know what you are taking for sleeping pills. What are they called?
       
    5. AGAG

      AGAG Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      March 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      Thank you so much for getting back to me. I don't think I have been lower in my entire life. I am so utterly desperate. I wrote goodbye letters to my children yesterday. I just don't know how I will go on for another week.
      It is all I can think of. Nothing else matters. It is impossible to ignore it since I can 'feel' it too. Don't know if it is common. It just feels like my left ear is literally so incredibly 'noisy', it is so high pitched, I can feel it when it increases, my reflex (like anyone's would be) is to close my ears but when I do it is just pure mayhem. I don't ear any 'ringing' as such, just a kind of, well, I don't even know how to describe it with words, screaming, so high pitched it almost does not feel like a sound. It varies, sometimes it is absurdly high, I really cannot do anything to take my mind off it, and at times it recedes a bit. I don't know if it is a spike but my understanding is that spikes last only a few days and I've been like this for 6 days already. And this 'sound' is new, too.
      @JasonP I take oxazepam, it works well for me.
      And @glynis-harbron know that your response meant quite a lot to me. I feel so, so alone in all this. I know you always respond to everyone who posts here, I've noticed it over the last few months. You are very often the first one to send positive vibes. Thank you for taking the time to send them to me too.
       
    6. JasonP

      JasonP Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      6/2006

      What happens if you take an oxazepam now?
       
    7. AGAG

      AGAG Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      March 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      @JasonP, probably nothing. I take 4 at once when I want to sleep, and it does the job.
       
    8. JasonP

      JasonP Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      6/2006
      Does it lower your T at night after taking it?
       
    9. Cityjohn
      Studious

      Cityjohn Member Team Research

      Location:
      Amsterdam
      Tinnitus Since:
      5:10 PM 03/02/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Food poisoning.
      How did you manage not to get an MRI yet after sudden tinnitus onset in one ear that is sensitive to acceleration forces?
       
    10. Rings-a-Bell

      Rings-a-Bell Member

      Location:
      Barbados
      Tinnitus Since:
      April 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Accoustic Trauma
      How long does a spike last? My guess is that many spikes are strongly correlated to our level of worry. If you've been worried for 6 days then your spike will last that long. That being said, get an MRI since it came on so suddenly. And don't say goodbye to your kids! They need you and you will adjust to this new noise level eventually.

      FYI: I had a sudden spike in T, combined with hearing loss yesterday. I went to the ENT and today I am on blood dilators and steroids and the spike is almost gone.
       
    11. Candy

      Candy Member Benefactor Team Awareness

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unidentified
      AGAG
      Not sure, maybe when u fell u tensed ur jaw muscle or neck - have u had a jaw MRI?
      What u describe sounds like my T...everything, the noise, the feeling as well as noise, the effect...this is my story. Every part of it, how T does not intensify with stress etc.
      Today am also feeling very low watching my kids play - please can I have my old me back? Been crying all day.
      I understand you feel you only have one choice to make this stop...please give it time, you are worth it:
      - time to habituated again
      - time to try cr neuromodulation as an option
      - hold out for a new treatment down the line
      before you take drastic action. I get EVERYTHING, being a problem solver, I find myself totally lost. Many of us are in the same boat here, we're all routing for you. Are you a dad/ mum, how old are your kids?
      Lots of love
      @Candy
       
    12. SilverSpiral
      Worried

      SilverSpiral Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      noise
      Yours is sudden onset not noise induced, that might mean it is more likely to have a sudden cure maybe. Maybe an MRI could show something about what caused your tinnitus?
      I'm suicidal too I have acoustic trauma caused tinnitus, I was suicidal before getting T too though.
       
    13. AGAG

      AGAG Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      March 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      Everyone: gosh it feels so comforting to read your responses you have no idea. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

      @JasonP I am actually not sure. The thing is that when I wake up, things are usually fine, unbelievably. My left ear feels normal. And then after a short period bam, it starts.

      @Cityjohn I completely agree with you, I should have had an MRI long ago - I know this is standard procedure for sudden unilateral T. I saw three ENTs, including one who is supposed to be an authority on T. None seemed to take it seriously enough to prescribe one.

      @Rings-a-Bell I wish this was true. Frankly the fluctuations seem very random to me. And I am not strong enough mentally not to worry right now. I keep telling myself this is catastrophic thinking but I am so terrified it could stay this way - or get worse. Each day is such a struggle, every single moment of it.

      @ candy I feel so sorry you are going through this too. When I look at other mums in the park or at playground I feel so desperately sad sometimes, thinking I am the only one going through this. Obviously not. My kids are very young, 2 yo and 9 months, I feel unbelievably sad to be/feel this way, I can't help crying, sometimes in front of them, I am so incredibly sorry for them too. I should be enjoying that precious time with them. I so don't.

      I did get an emergency appointment with a psychiatrist for this Monday, I guess she will probably puts me on anti depressants, but if that helps why not, I am willing to try anything to get out of this hell. It is so bad I banged my head quite violently, repeatedly, on the walls three days ago, with my partner trying to prevent me from doing so, it was just awful. Awful. I am not myself anymore, I know that, I am lucid enough to see that very clearly. But I just want all this to stop. And this week I have been so, so close to try to end it all. And still is. And just knowing this makes me feel even worse for my children. It is hell. Like you said Candy, I just want my old self back. My life back.
       
    14. PaulBe

      PaulBe Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Cairns
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Probably sound, though never proven
      I found the medical disregard and disinterest in some ways more upsetting than the actual disease.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
      • Helpful Helpful x 1
    15. JasonP

      JasonP Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      6/2006
      Can you take the medication an hour after waking up and see if it does the same thing? Also, can you lessen the dose at night?
       
    16. AGAG

      AGAG Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      March 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      @PaulBe I agree. I was flatly told by my GP i could not possibly have T at my age.
      @JasonP I will actually try what you suggest tomorrow - take meds during the day. At least I will see whether it impacts T a bit or not. As for the night, I am going to bed now (I live in Europe), after a dreadful evening. I think if I don't sleep I will lose it completely so I will take 4 tonight. I have to sleep. My baby boy wakes up at 6am sharp like a clock.
      Before I'm off to bed, thank you all again for your replies. Really. It does help.
       
    17. Horizon
      No Mood

      Horizon Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      TMJ?
      @AGAG hang in there. You are not alone. Your story is similar to mine and I am much, much better day by day. I was desperate like you and planning to kill myself - I'm glad now I didn't. I was sure something was in my ears, ENT found nothing and the scan he did showed nothing. Two weeks later a scan done of my jaw via an orthodontist showed a problem. Have you had an MRI of your jaw? That is the only way to be sure if your TMJ is OK. My tinnitus started suddenly out of the blue, I had no idea I had TMJ problems. You say you are better in the mornings I was also. While waiting for treatment to start I was told if I kept my jaw open slightly it would help - lips together teeth apart, I also found keeping my jaw still helped. Try it for as long as you can when you wake in the morning and see what happens. If it doesn't help still go for an MRI. Relaxation also helps whatever the cause of your T - not easy when you have kids I know. Many many people on this forum have been helped by different things, if you try something and it doesn't work for you try another.
       
    18. Tamalak
      Volatile

      Tamalak Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      3/2011
      OP, the fact that your T went away initially, and that it is gone at some time of day (morning) makes it VERY likely to be recoverable. Just hang in there!
       
    19. Candy

      Candy Member Benefactor Team Awareness

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unidentified
      Getting an appointment with a mental health specialist is the right thing, I am doing the same. Where do you live in Europe, I'm in London...my kids are a bit older, at primary school. Would love to know someone in person...was at the park the other day, it triggers so much pain, find it unbearable sometimes.
       
    20. Candy

      Candy Member Benefactor Team Awareness

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unidentified
      My therapist told me to come off facebook for a while, it makes me so depressed. x
       
      • Creative Creative x 1
    21. Tweaker
      Sad

      Tweaker Member Benefactor

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise exposure
      I'm a Dad with 2 kids and I've felt at times like I can't go on with this noise in my head. Your kids need you, as do mine need me.
      My tinntius has gotten worse over past 6 years and yet I manage better overall than I did at the start. Over time you will become more resilient. It's a horrid condition that most people don't understand but don't give up. I know how all-consuming it can become. I find getting outdoors, even for a walk can help. Even if you don't feel like it, keep doing the things that you used to enjoy. It all helps. Find a friend who will listen. Just talking can even help.
       
    22. AGAG

      AGAG Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      March 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      I did survive another day. Today was very slightly better overall in terms of T loudness. The improvement is clearly marginal, but it is still enough for me to go through the day a bit more easily than yesterday. T was again very quiet all morning, my left ear felt fine, no strange sensation, no screaming. It was so strange to feel normal again for a few hours. I felt like crying from relief. Sure enough, it came back early afternoon. I am almost impatient to see the psych tomorrow, I just want to try something, anything will do. I am still incredibly low, but at least I don't feel as suicidal as yesterday.

      @Tweaker thank you for your reply. For some reasons it does feel comforting to know that some parents are experiencing the same ordeal, and are fighting it. Your kids are lucky to have you. It does give me hope, and truly makes me feel less alone. I keep going through my usual routine. I force myself to. I have taken my kids out and about every singe day since T onset. It is just so incredibly difficult these days, I don't get any enjoyment from anything, T is just all consuming no matter what I do. But I think you are right when you suggest to find someone to talk to about it. This is why I decided to post here, just to talk about it a bit with people who can understand. This helps a lot, I now know.

      @Candy I left London only a few months ago, I live in France now. Maybe you've tried it already but I know there are several Tinnitus clinics in London, have you tried any of them? No such thing in France unfortunately. But I know exactly what you experienced in that park, trust me.
       
    23. GregCA
      Crappy

      GregCA Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Otosclerosis
      What about IMERTA?
       
    24. Candy

      Candy Member Benefactor Team Awareness

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unidentified
      Tinnitus Clinic will be my last resort...their product has had mixed reviews and very expensive. Take care, sounds like u're doing all the right things.
       
    25. AGAG

      AGAG Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      March 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      @GregCA yes I know about IMERTA, unfortunately It is 800kms away from where I live. Probably the best place to go when you get T in France, mainly because you have all the specialists all in one single place to do the needed tests and assessments. Strange you mentioned it, I was literally checking their website only 30 minutes ago in desperation...
       
    26. GregCA
      Crappy

      GregCA Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Otosclerosis
      Well, "800km away from me in France" is quite different from "No such thing in France unfortunately", which was your original claim.
      If T is taking your life away from you (literally, since you said you were suicidal), then 800km is a very small price to pay to try to get it back, in my opinion.
       
    27. Alue

      Alue Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      Mine doesn't vary in tone, but it sounds similar to mine, this ultra high pitched head hissing/buzzing. Eight months of this and it's driving me insane. I really don't want to live like this either, but too chicken to end it at this point. What other choice is there?
       
    28. Oli
      Alone

      Oli Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      09/04/16
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Sonor Trauma
      Me too unfortunately/fortunately :/
      Zoloft numb me out a little so Im not such at the edge like before
      Do you take any meds?
       
    29. JasonP

      JasonP Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      6/2006
      I need to know when you started the oxazepam and also did you take it in the morning today? Also, how many milligrams of the drug is in each pill.
       
    30. Jkph75

      Jkph75 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2/27/16
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      You could try an upper cervical chiropractor. They are different than regular chiropractors and can help with your specific problems.

      I have had T the same amount of time as you. I also have a 2 yr old and a baby. I am already deaf in one ear. The t is in my hearing ear. It is incredibly loud and it never ever stops. At first I wanted to die too but not really because I wanted to die I just didn't know how I could endure this. I was already depressed from all of the hormone changes and this was making things even worse. They eventually put me on a diuretic and made me stop breastfeeding my daughter. The diuretic was useless but after I stopped breastfeeding the depression lifted b/c my hormones changed. My T is probably even louder now than it was before but I don't want to die anymore. I have many times when I am not thinking about the t. I have times when I am places and can't even hear it. It does still get in the way of enjoying things but little by little it is doing less of that. I put my faith in God. I believe that this pain has a purpose. I just can't see it yet. Just like the other pains I have had in my life where I could see no good in them at first. Your problem is not your T. It is the way you think and feel about things in your life. I think it is great that you are going to get help with your mental health. That really is your key to feeling better. If it's not T something else will eventually come along that will be just as difficult to deal with and you want to be in a better place to do that.
       
      • Like Like x 1

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