Reasons Not to Check Out, Are There Any?

I'm trapped, I don't know how to go on really, can anyone give me a good reason to endure this daily torture, what I can do about it, I'm feeling Suicide is the only next step, I don't see much point...

I was a very healthy, fit, and intelligent 38 yr old, electronics engineer working for a well known HIFI brand, ex university lecturer in music technology, have published and been all over the world, vast music collection, gifted since a child, have worked to help start ups in music technology, amazing career, worldwide contacts and research in music and cutting edge technologies...

I went to my GP for depression since I had a breakup, he prescribed sertraline....I had a bad reaction after taking St Johns wort, I didn't realise it at the time since it was this mixed health pill...
Then I end up with serotonin poisoning, develop some nasty neurological issues....I go to my doc for help and they say I'm making it up, they suggest a psych ward for a couple of nights because I became so depressed about it, I stupidly accept, and then they force me onto more drugs despite me refusing because I told them I had a bad reaction!... I then have more serotonin poisoning and fits, and they ignore me further. This insane torturous situation I end up chain smoking too due to the extreme stress of being forced to take drugs that caused me to have a fit.

I then suffered from the following issues when I finally got out;
-heavy feeling in limbs
-fluctuating hearing loss
-eyesight issues, double vision, my vision getting dimmer and faded colours
-burning pains in hands and feet

I go to the doctors who say I'm fine constantly and misdiagnose as anxiety i can't get any help, my condition deteriorating...it gets worse and worse, doctors threaten another stay in psych ward if I don't stop hassling them.

I start getting:
-VISION going dimmer and more hazy
-EYES suddenly cannot fixate on an object, vestibular problem?
-balance issues, dizziness

So i resort to getting help online and the doctor suggests HBOT saying it might help what sounds like multiple nerve issues...I do that and only develop hi frequency hearing loss and permanent TINNITUS I had for 5 weeks now...

So now I have:
-EYES won't fix on object, colour vision issues, DIM VISION
-HEARING loss, hi pitched tinnitus
-balance issues and dizziness
-can't exercise due to limbs feeling heavy

I'm in a total mess, I had a few tests:
-hair sample showing extremely slow metabolism, excess free radicals and low antioxidant levels - I now take loads of antioxidants but it's too late
-MRI showing asymmetric optic nerve sheaths??
-vestibular test showing balance issue they say it's down to the nerves in my neck...I don't believe that

My health has been obliterated. I'm literally useless, and have to go back to work in a week. I live alone since the gf left starting this and noone will help me, everyone says it's anxiety... My friends family and doctors...

I just give up, none of these issues are curable, and if they were I've finished the job with HBOT (didn't know oxygen was toxic to me in this situation), how can I find the will to live, with no music, lost ALL my interests, career is now over, and trying to cope alone...is there a painless way out? I wake up everyday now just thinking I need to do this, to exit, I LOVED LIFE, so it's impossible...

My TINNITUS is also like a constant reminder of what an idiot I am falling into this HELL
If you had to say this is the END, how would you go? I'm thinking train but haven't got the guts

 

I would see ENT and nurology.
Some AD medication can cause tinnitus when start it and also come off it .
Amitryptaline and Nortryptaline can help tinnitus for some people.
I came so close this year to breaking point with tinnitus in my head and a loud drone as well as my bilateral high pitch ringing 24/7 due to Menieres.
Had 12 weeks off work but 6 were Holliday and never thought I would get better.
Nortryptaline made a big difference and stopped the head tinnitus and loud drone and took the edge off the high pitch and sleeping great now.

Don't give up as there will be help for you and I hope you get treated better about your concerns with your symptoms.
Keep a daily diary on how you are feeling and medication you are on and get a second opinion with ENT.

Stay strong ,You will get through this and we are listening to your symptoms and they are real...lots of love glynis

 

Things may go away after a while. In the meantime, maybe take some moisturizing eye drops to see if that helps with vision and some hearing aids to correct your hearing loss. I would suggest an extended audiogram to 12khz and going to a hearing aid place that can program certain hearing aides that go to 12khz such as the Siemens/Signia Primax 7px. It is possible that getting this hearing corrected may take away the noticibility of your tinnitus. Get them to also program in some masking programs. A very temporary prescription (and hopefully a very small amount) of Xanax may help with anxiety and tinnitus but shouldn't be taken long term. You would have to ask a doctor.

 

I think you should carefully read Glynnis' comments, both recommendations she cited to antidepressants (Nortryptaline and Amitryptaline) apparently treat your symptoms (all of them). Meanwhile, this is what I would do: walk into the ER of a large teaching hospital, do NOT share past diagnoses (be sure you've not been seen in this hospital) just your symptoms (and anxiety). No they won't "cure you" on the spot but what they will do is refer you to new doctors who don't have you categorized as an emotional basket case. I am presently suffering severe depression with very high anxiety caused by complicated grief but much worsened by three month long bout with otitis externa in both ears due to VERY bad doctors. During debridement of my ears, I became very emotional (it's SCARY having this done) and ENT specialist actually had the nerve to ask me if I had a psychiatrist! These Doctors can be extremely lacking in empathy, very pompous and egotistical. I think your increasing anxiety and bouts of intense hysteria (obvious and understandable!) is due not only to your symptoms but the Doctors' inability, incapacity, to treat you as a LIVING BEING who is very very stressed and scared. Most large teaching hospitals have psychiatric clinics and will accept patients if you approach them for help. Being treated with appropriate medication (I have just begun with my psychiatrist) and finally hearing a medical professional tell you that you are REACTING NORMALLY (although over the top) to a distressing combination of symptoms and experiences might help you in the long run. I hope so! I'm a total basket case right now, the tinnitus has been worsened because I have been compulsively popping my ears to try to gauge if my hearing is messed up, and I am so tired of having to go to the ENT. I hope I can find some help, I hope you can.

 

@RandomAccess10 - Hi buddy, I also have long-term perceptual issues which I at least partially attribute to unnecessary psychiatric medications.

I have no idea what's going on with you neurologically, but if you've had sufficient medical screening to rule out anything serious, then my suspicion, based on a lot of experience and a lot of communication over the years, is that these drugs do not agree with you and if you can find a way to just stay off them for a period of time while also doing as much as you can to combat your depression and anxiety -- at some point you will feel a lot better than you do now. As for your particular issues -- will you ever be entirely free of parasthesias / visual problems / tinnitus? I have no idea, but I can tell you with certainty that I have all three of those problems in droves, but at this point I spend a lot more time counting my blessings than I do cursing the world.

You can't tread water here, though. You're too far gone to just do nothing and hope things improve. To give yourself the best shot at reclaiming your fulfilling life, you have to grab the bull by the horns and be an active participant in your life, driving your own recovery as best you can. I would be wary of any doctor who wants to put you on just about anything, though that's a personal call as I am not in your shoes. I do know that the (MD psychiatrist) doctor who was most useful to me, is someone who is deeply skeptical and critical of drugs and very very reluctant to prescribe any. Finding people like that is not necessarily easy, though psychologists are easier to find and because they cannot write prescriptions it may be easier to find one who takes a dim view of the mental health/pharmaco complex.

You need to find someone in the real world to talk to. Psychiatrist, psychologist, priest, rabbi, it doesn't necessarily matter a whole lot. But, you need support. I am personally deeply skeptical of psychiatrists because I saw a lot of them over the years and 85% were pill pushers who had no new insight into me.

I would also be careful about just walking into an ER, unless you're actually suicidal. They are not really equipped to help you. See if there's anyone at all on this list in your area: https://www.madinamerica.com/service-directory/directory-category/individual-practitioner/

As far as what exactly you should be doing to "drive your recovery" -- the devil is in the details, and no one can figure that out for you. However, my total guess is that if you can get 2-3 months under your belt where you do all of the following things, it is very likely that you will feel some amount better after that time:
* sleep regular hours in total darkness -- even if you can barely sleep, learn to lay there calmly. That's critical, stressing out in bed all night is counterproductive. On that note...
* meditation is an extremely useful tool to learn to tolerate distress states without exacerbating them, but it's a difficult skill to learn in a time of crisis. As a starting point you could do a 10-minute "guided body scan" meditation every day or night (

10 Minute Guided Body Scan Meditation from The...

). When I was at the worst I've been in the past decade, I vividly remember having to leave work to go home and cry, then doing nothing but listening to a 40-minute body scan meditation on loop until my wife got home to deal with me. It wasn't fun, it wasn't pretty, and it wasn't a fix -- but it got me through those desperate, awful hours.
* exercise 20-30 mins a day 3-5x a week. Gentle yoga can be especially good with the right teacher, as it is basically a meditative practice on its own.

Good luck. This shit is just hard and thorny and painful. And it's just got to be endured until it doesn't have to be endured anymore. There is no magic here.

One final note: you might explore the web for other forums; there are a number around for general mental health support, medication damage, etc. It seems like tinnitus is about 10% of your problem, but most people on here will see everything through that lens because that's what this place is.

 

@glynis . Hi Glynis. Glad to here that you are a lot better I see by your comments that you are now on Nortryptaline. I knew that you were on Amitryptaline. I've been on Amitryptaline for many years now. So how did Nortryptaline help you better then Amitryptaline. They are both tricyclic antidepressants and are very similar to each other on how they work on depression and nerve pain.

 

@Richard zurowski ,
Hi son,
I was on Amitryptaline for Ostio arthritis and rheumatoid arthritis by the rhumatolagy department before my Menieres and asthma started and walked with elbow crutches for years.
I had not taken tramadol for a number of years and asked if I could withdraw from it from 100mg to 50 mg Amitryptaline.
This was when I first had depression.
The doctor said as I had been on Amitryptaline for ten years 100mg my brain has adjusted to it for serotonin and
Reducing it after 10 years gave me depression.
I was put on Venlafaxine along side 50mg Amitryptaline that was left.

I was fine for two years and asked my doctor if I could come off the 50mg amitryptaline as felt well and did not want to be on 2 AD meds.
I did a slow taper untill the Amitryptaline was out of my system.

This was then when I plummeted to the second depressive state as it left my body 12 years on it in total.

I was so innocent and did not know it was the Amitryptaline letting me sleep and my Menieres and tinnitus over the 10-12 years of hell had settled.
After my tinnitus and Menieres went total nuts this year and not sleeping my doctor put me on sleeping tablets.

I spent 12 weeks totally messed up off work with sever head tinnitus and a loud drone and sever bilateral high pitch ringing that pushed me to my limit and life was unbareable and breathing issues also for many years that was life threatning on lots of medication to breath under the sever hospital asthma unit and I still am.
My doctor put me on sleeping tablets as I had gone weeks with no sleep and odd 2-3 hours a night and could not function.
I went in hospital had megga tests and scans.
My doctor said he could not keep me on sleeping medication long term and wanted put me on Nortryptaline for sleep and was a AD medication and said he thought my nerves in my head were missfireing and this might help it and reduce my tinnitus as well as sleep.
Thank God he tried me on it as it's been a massive change in my tinnitus in my head and stopped the loud drone and took the edge off my high pitch Bilateral tinnitus and gave me my life back.
I'm enjoying life again regarding my tinnitus and sleep it's been a miracle.
My breathing is still a big problem and life long medication,tablets, 4inhalers and nebulizer and oral steroids as needed.
I think coming off Amitryptaline was a big mistake and as put on it for Ostio arthritis in my spine and legs and rhumatoid arthritis I did not understand how it effected my Menieres and breathing and tinnitus.

Looking forward now to a life with no head tinnitus or loud drone but still have sever high pitch bilateral tinnitus and breathing problems and Menieres but I am the strongest over my health issues and love my life and everyone on it.
I will always support people with Menieres and tinnitus and Breathing problems and Mental health as I totally understand everything about them and walked in their footsteps through out my life and devoted my life to helping everyone through the same problems.
Going back to Nortryptaline it's gave me my laugh and smile back and loving life again ....lots of love glynis

 

@glynis. you certainly have been through some bad times. I'm glad that you are much better Glynis and that the change in your medication has helped you to love life again. This forum owes you a lot of gratitude for being on here. And it wouldn't be the same without you. God bless you mother.

 

Dude, when i got my T (and mild H) following an accident (some idiot discharged a gun in a small space before i had the time to protect my ears) about 14 months ago, i thought my life was over. My gf of 6 years left me the same week (for unrelated reasons). I also had to help my parents move to a new house a few weeks later move out myself to a new city etc. Needless to say stress and T were getting the best of me.
Right now, the T is still there, but i am no longer suicidal. I had to change my lifestyle, but since then i did a lot of cool stuff too. Travelling, building a home studio, sports, multiple dates etc.
You'll get there too, just give it time. In one year from now, you'll be in a better spot.
Here's a pic i took today on a long walk in the forest:

 

@Richard zurowski ,
Aww thank you son and I hope you are doing better and low mood lifting..
Tinnitus Talk is a lovely forum and @Markku we all love you so much and for making this forum so wonderful .
You are amazing...lots of love glynis

 

@glynis. Totally agree with you on that. Without Markku this forum wouldn't have been what it is today. So we all owe him a lot of gratitude as well.

 

Earlier when I read your post, I think I must have been tired or something because I didn't absorb all the details. I know what you are saying about serotonin syndrome. I had that happen when I took 5-htp and lexapro together. That is how I got tinnitus. Terrible feeling back then and I wish I could take it back. Hang in there though...I am bipolar II and have tinnitus and have made a lot of improvement this past year. The previous 2 were bad. I know I will have issues in the future, but hopefully they won't be as bad or as long. I had to get medication to help me deal with the emotions. You need to be with your family right now.

 

I just cannot even get used to the idea of it yet... I'm thankful for all your support everyone here, it's nightmare isn't it.

I think my blood brain barrier or something was damaged by the serotonin overload, then being forced to take more and more crippled me, then the smoking, I can't imagine smoking would do so much damage say 20 a day but somehow it did..as if the toxins went straight in??,
The downward health spiral then, I've never experienced any health issues before...

All I know is its made a mess of my health for life and I can't imagine another 40 years like this, another 40 days is too much!

The real hell is the hearing loss and tinnitus, I only had fluctuating hearing loss before HBOT, and now I lost hi frequency and have got this high pitched ringing constantly, just one stupid mistake and I can not go back.

I know my hearing was damaged from the serotonin overload/drugs/smoking, but it seemed across the whole range...HBOT wiped high frequencies, I'm not sure how....

Music was my life, knowing I did this to myself is driving me to Suicide. There won't be a cure realisticly in our lifetimes, and by that time all my interest and the relevance of it will be dead...

This in addition to the other things, the eyes not staying still is horrific :/

Many on here have hope, families and no vision issues etc can still exercise and pursue interests. My life has gone from success to practically death overnight, all thanks to psychiatry forcing drugs in me...

I don't know how to find a reason to live, I'm scared of death. I could'try' to carry on....I don't know if it's getting worse or not, wether giving blood may remove the toxins from my system, you say I need my family now, but I don't have supportive family, that's how I got into this mess...

When u are down in life, the psychiatrist gave me hearing loss, fits, eyesight problems and totally destroyed my health....I was almost back on my feet, if I hadn't taken that one pill and hadn't gone to A&E that day...
How does one get justice for a complete lack of listening by the psychiatrists? To force me onto drugs after I'd had a fit surely is criminal?

Despite being just 40, I've had an amazing life, maybe I wasn't meant to live beyond that? It's as if fate has decided I must leave, and the hearing loss is the CRUELEST and final kick...

I'm going to the doctor later today, to show the MRI results, hair sample and vestibular results. All a bit late!

I feel like I've been sentenced to death that I must carry out myself, for the crime of having my partner leave me... What is this world we live in?? I have so much support now from friends but where were they? Ppl don't care until it's too late...

 

@RandomAccess10
Don't waste your intelligence and worldwide fame and recognition in your field
Since you are famous help us out draw more attention to tinnitus so that scientists will work harder at finding a cure

One a side note - one if the most promising compound to reduce T - RL81, which is still years away before testing even starts - can be synthesized by overseas labs in small amounts within a month , so that's another hope for us

 

Hey, I don't want to cast doubt on any of your assertions regarding your health and tinnitus. But I am a long-term anxiety sufferer and I have had ALL of those symptoms at one time or another. Plus a shed load more. I'm not saying that your symptoms are down to anxiety, just that I know anxiety can definitely cause all of them. I spent 2 years trying to figure out what was wrong with me when anxiety hit me, including multiple A&E trips, MRI scans, blood tests for dozens of different conditions.... It took a long time to accept it was anxiety but when I did and I addressed it all of these symptoms faded away.

I have recently had a relapse and fleeting and low level tinnitus is one of the symptoms I'm currently experiencing. I hope this will go when the anxiety fades.

Like I said, I'm in no way disagreeing with you about what is causing your problems and I hope I don't sound like one of your doctors! I think perhaps you could do some research on severe anxiety (if you haven't already done so), which would at least let you discount it as a causal factor. As you're in so much distress you should definitely try to reduce your anxiety levels anyway as it takes its toll on the body and mind.

Good luck and hang on in there - you never know what's around the corner - a year from now you might be feeling on top of the world

 

Some people on here recently say they have been helped with tinnitus and depression by a spice called Saffron. Check out the alternative treatments thread on Saffron. According to the internet it can be useful for a vision problem known as macular degeneration. I have no idea if this would work though but it seems like a small amount of a spice shouldn't hurt someone. I really don't know for sure though. Regardless of anything, I hope you get better asap.

Ask the audiologist if they can make a custom ear plug for you that will attach to a hearing aid. The plug will greatly reduce the regular sounds in the environment but see if the hearing aid can be programmed to amplify but clip all sound above the volume level that hurts your ears. I don't know if this is possible but it may be.

 

@RandomAccess10, I'm sorry that you're going all through that. It seems your health problems involve more than your ears.

But for someone fairly young, you've accomplished a lot. So I think you're not the type of person who'll throw in the towel without trying everything else first. So my question, have you indeed tried everything else there is to try? Many posters here have given you practical advice.

I understand wanting to quit. I feel this every single day. But we're not gonna go down without putting up a damn good fight.

 

Totally understand that! Over the years I have found things here and there that will drop my T. I haven't found a permanent cure but I am wondering if some of these drugs or supplements could be "cycled" to keep T down. I know one guy that said he used Neurontin for a while and then it stopped working for T so he stopped. Then later he tried it again and it lowered T. Hopefully pulling information together over time we can find ways to lower T for specific types. For example, maybe there will be something good for T caused by acoustic trauma, T caused by anti-depressants, T caused by benzodiazapines, T caused by ear infections etc.

Some people on here have been helped by Magnesium which is natural and might be better to try to see if it helps. My thinking is minerals and vitamins is better than drugs if it works! Then if that doesn't work then drugs might be used next. (Right now I have to take them for bipolar at least until I could find a natural replacement) Interestingly, there is a form of Magnesium called Magnesium Threonate that crosses the blood brain barrier but there doesn't seem much information at all on this forum on people who tried it!

"Just1morething" on here tried a combination of klonopin and neurontin which helped lower the tinnitus for him. After some time it didn't work as well but you could ask him what happened. Is it good to take those long term? Probably not (at least for klonopin) but taking it at the lowest dose possible here and there for tinnitus if it helps might be beneficial at least in the short time. Important not to become addicted to klonopin! Also, both those drugs can have bad withdrawal symptoms if taken long term and cause sedation.

There may be no "cure" right now but MANY people find something (hearing aids, supplements, minerals, vitamins, medication, etc.) that reduces it so they can't hear it when ambient noise is present or at least lowers the T volume.

Hang in there! For the time being you may want to get a large water fountain for your bedroom when you sleep but don't sleep too long or become addicted to it! It's important to get outside because too much sleep and isolation causes depression.

 

Wow..sorry man for such issues...

All I can say is this, eventhough you were given meds/drugs that screwed you up, it can get better. I was mistakenly given 4mg of benzos by a lame DR that was an idiot and it caused me huge amounts of problems..mentally + physically.

I took me 1 year to get off the meds. I got off the meds and at one point i was given an antidepressant when i first got a sinus infection ..cause i was so scared and didnt know what was wrong with me. Let me tell you, for 4 months i had severe panic attacks and shaking. So please don't give up, yes my eyes were spinning and screwed up and my eye lids were twitching daily. It can get better, don't be on meds unless you have to.

Just like you i had lost hope and it was a daily battle to remain sane and trying to get back the old me...please be strong...

 

Welcome to the forum @RandomAccess10 . It is often said that the 1st phase of T suffering is the worst, because besides the mad ringing, its victims usually don't know what hit them and don't know what to do. Nothing seems to be able to remove the ringing. So there are added worries and uncertainties which weigh in heavily on the suffering. Please don't despair. Your reaction is quite normal though for a new sufferer being overwhelmed by T. We understand. We have been there where you are. Many of us have had suicide ideations during the darkest time. But very few would attempt the unthinkable.

I was suffering so much from ultra high pitch T and worse with severe hyperacusis on top of T. It was so dark and hopeless that I checked out youtube for stories of people who have near death experience after attempting suicide, and most of them painted such a terrible picture that none wanted to ever try it again. After learning that, I decided to rather hang in there and try to live like others do, however hard. I am glad I chose this path as today I live a normal, productive and very enjoyable life. So much for the dark or hopeless future. So don't despair and panic. Better days will come. Don't loose hope. Here is my success story 'from darkness to light' that explains in detail how I turned around my suffering. Take care. God bless.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

That is. Lovely positive response

 

Thank you for all the kind messages. My situation is so utterly devastating and irreversible it's impossible to see any light. I was part of numerous underground music scenes it's such a personal and social thing. and the audiophile electronics design was my life and career, engineer and lecturer in audio electronics for 30 years. I cannot imagine life without music, it isn't life...
I read up about benzos, apparently they can cause fluctuating hearing loss too, I was forced to take those as well...I had no idea about these horrific side effects, and additionally desperate to fix everything have fucked up so badly. I am not capable of living.
Music was such an important part of my life ive made the decision.
I'm out of here, just wish I knew how to make that painless I've been through so much already, God bless my soul

 

Hi RandomAccess, please don't do anything rash. I feel your pain just reading your words; it sends shudders down my spine as it brings back the same emotions I felt.

Music was my heart and soul, so when my tinnitus flared up to these intrusive levels, it ripped my heart out and shit all over it. Give yourself time to rest and recoup your thoughts. Rebuilding takes time but I can assure you that with the right help you will feel a lot better, and I also see no reason why the joy of music has to stop.

I quit my band which was devastating, but I did it because I needed to clear my head and address my issues. After around 6 months I started to eat better, and I started to exercise again (I recommend doing this, it can make a huge difference). Then I bought some pro musician plugs and started to slowly get back into life again. I've been to a few gigs now, each time I've stood near the back with my plugs in (away from any speakers) and had a great time. Mentally and tinnitus-wise I've gone from rock bottom (looking at suicide methods online) to having a smile back on my face.

I won't lie, I'm not back to where I was just yet, but I'm happy and content. With people like us we can't let the music die, so don't.

With the right help you will be a different person in a year or two. Our health issues don't define who we are.

 

Please give it more time as things can change for the better.
There is a life worth living and maybe counselling to help you in a new direction...lots of love glynis

 

Same here.

To the author: give it some time, things change. You're strong, you've come here so it means you believe deep in yourself that it can go better. Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading us and posting about your experience See, there's light somewhere

Now, go there https://www.tinnitustalk.com/forums/success-stories.47/

All of us here suffered a lot at some point, but we're here, and it's worthed it.

 

Randomaccess,

I think 90% of your problems are caused by stress and anxiety. Start a meditation program for an hour a day. If you can get in the right frame of mind and get your stress levels down, I think your other problems will start to fade naturally.

 

I agree. I think to some extent this forum could also be called Tinnitus, Hyperacusis and Anxiety talk; because when these disorders take hold, it's ultimately the stress and anxiety that causes the mental issues.

Many people have tinnitus, to varying degrees, but don't suffer like we do. The key difference is anxiety (stress) and depression. I'd say a high percentage of people who signed up for support here have either had a nervous breakdown or became very close to having one. The overwhelming emotions (hormones, such as cortisol) that T and H put us through wreak havoc on our central nervous system. Our thoughts go all over the place and it seems impossible to free yourself. It's not. We need help to change our emotional reactions to the symptoms. It sounds like a load of nonsense, but it's not. Our perception and outlook is everything to our emotional wellbeing; which ultimately decides whether we are happy or sad.

 

@RandomAccess10
Please don't do anything rash! I know desperation all too well and the feeling of not being able to cope anymore - it is an extremely dark and lonely place to be in. I am so very sorry you are in that place right now and after reading the stuff you have been through, it is no wonder the hits have taken a toll. It was such a good decision to come here and seek support from people who understand.

Now listen, for me the most horrible aspect of this all is that you are at the moment facing it alone. When depression and anxiety takes over, help is needed. It may seem like there is nothing to benefit this situation, but how about if there is? First and foremost you could benefit from talking to someone and pouring out your bad feelings. Are there any crisis phone services in your country, who could advice you? Another thing would be contacting a local psychotherapist and make a very prompt appointment - as soon as you can. An emergency check-in to a local mental health facility is something you should consider as well, to get you over the worst suicidal phase. Just take action and seek guidance, what could you lose from it? You seem hopeless and imagine this: getting help could give you a bit of hope to begin with. It could mean everything and lead you out of the dark.

I know you have very many physical problems going on and treating the psychological side might seem frustrating, since naturally you would like to heal from the physical issues first and foremost. But in order to heal those, you need to start from getting yourself to be on your side again and have the strenght to carry on. It is also unbelieveable how many VERY REAL physical issues get so much worse from depression and anxiety, so this is the place where you start.

Worried about you, so hope to hear from you - there are many good people here who just want to help.

 

Yesterday, I talked to a suicidial friend who posed the same question to me. It reminded me yet again how many people are in the same boat, mentally and emotionally. Circumstances may differ, but rock bottom is rock bottom regardless of the reason.

I thought of sending this to you via private message, @RandomAccess10. But I decided to post it here, in case someone else also needs help.

I agree with @Elliott.S. The fact that you're here, asking for reasons to stay, means there's a part of you that still wants to stay. It can be .01%, but that's better than nada. Because if 100% of you wanted to go, I believe you would have offed yourself even before creating this thread.

Like I said in my first PM to you, I won't try to stop you from self-exiting if that's what you truly want. But since you asked for reasons here, I'll give you some:

On loving the life you had:
Many people lead difficult lives from beginning to end, but you aren't one of those. You've been fortunate enough to have led what seems to be a wonderful, full, and rich life. So why give it up without fighting for it? Nothing lasts forever, whether good or bad. Things can turn around in a year or so.

On music being your life:
Music is your passion, so again, why give it up without fighting for it? Beethoven became deaf but that didn't stop him from creating music. Many of his most admired works come from these last 15 years of his life. But just in case you do end up being unable to work with music again, you're still an artist, and that creativity may appear in another passion you didn't think you have. Humans are multi-faceted. We aren't defined by one thing alone.

On being alone after your breakup:
You're only 40, and you're an accomplished man. If old, convicted felons locked up in prison still find love, I don't see why you shouldn't. Maybe not now, but when you get better. And since you're a man, you don't have to worry about ticking biological clock. Just find a younger woman to be the mother of your future children.

On your health being obliterated:
Maybe I just watched too many House episodes years ago, but some medical conditions turn out to have simple (yet uncommon) causes. I've seen it happen in real life. A friend had too many weird symptoms, turned out she was allergic to mold in her house. She's now doing much better. I just think you need to explore all possible treatments (including alternative, holistic ones) especially those involving detoxification since medications are the cause of your worsening. They may not work but at least you can confidently say you tried it all before you self-exit, should you decide to go for it.

Perhaps you don't really want to die. What you want is to be saved. And I think, if you allow yourself to face this trial and build the bravery to get through it, you'll find that you can save yourself.


I wish you lots of love, peace, and most importantly, courage.

 

Have you checked your thyroid? I recommend, just in case(or at least the next time you have a blood test), to check thyroid levels as some of those problems are caused by thyroid issues.

Sometimes the onset of a problem can have another cause. A blood test (Especially the thyroid, being a common problem) is something any reasonable doctor would recommend in the first place instead of blaming everything being in the patient's head.