Reintroducing Myself

[Gl0w0ut]

Now that I have returned from my two week "vacation" from the forums, I thought I would reintroduce myself since my original post no longer exists. I have had tinnitus since April at least, from an unknown cause.

Life has been pretty miserable since then and I have taken it out on others on this forum. The truth is, I'm depressed from this. So much so I am contemplating suicide as a solution to this ringing and my drastic hearing loss. I am so anxiety ridden and feel as if I have no control over my life. I cannot make the ringing stop no matter how hard I try. I need medication just to sleep. I have finally decided to see a psychiatrist and my parents have pulled me from school for the semester to get better.

My tinnitus is high pitched (10 hz and up) and it scares me because on YouTube videos I struggle to hear anything above 10,000 hz. I'm only 22 and I appear to have the hearing of someone at least twice my age. This scares me. I honestly do not care about losing high frequency hearing since I barely use it, but if those hair cells dies, those ones I do use are next. I am scared to death to use my headphones anymore. Whether on headphones or in the car, I liked the music extra loud to where I could barely hear anything else and this is my punishment.

I don't want to be forced to wear a hearing aid so young, or a cochlear implant. I already have glasses with thicker frames and don't want to seem even more socially unappealing.

So this is who I am, an anxiety ridden mess who wants to die because the ringing is too much.

 

[threefirefour]

Thank goodness you're back. This site desperately needs more people like you. Stay awesome.

I've been studying some stuff that helps tinnitus improve and trying some of it. At least it's working for me so if you ever need any advice on reducing the sound I'm always available.

 

[glynis]

Welcome back to the forum.
Tinnitus can be mentally challaging at times and then impacts on our emotions.
Support for depression will help and nothing to be ashamed of and I take meds to help my mood too!
I would wear your hearing aid with pride and dont let anyone make you feel anything less wearing it and it should help your tinnitus.
Be proud of who you are always....
Love glynis x

 

[MikeB1996]

Now that I have returned from my two week "vacation" from the forums, I thought I would reintroduce myself since my original post no longer exists. I have had tinnitus since April at least, from an unknown cause.

Life has been pretty miserable since then and I have taken it out on others on this forum. The truth is, I'm depressed from this. So much so I am contemplating suicide as a solution to this ringing and my drastic hearing loss. I am so anxiety ridden and feel as if I have no control over my life. I cannot make the ringing stop no matter how hard I try. I need medication just to sleep. I have finally decided to see a psychiatrist and my parents have pulled me from school for the semester to get better.

My tinnitus is high pitched (10 hz and up) and it scares me because on YouTube videos I struggle to hear anything above 10,000 hz. I'm only 22 and I appear to have the hearing of someone at least twice my age. This scares me. I honestly do not care about losing high frequency hearing since I barely use it, but if those hair cells dies, those ones I do use are next. I am scared to death to use my headphones anymore. Whether on headphones or in the car, I liked the music extra loud to where I could barely hear anything else and this is my punishment.

I don't want to be forced to wear a hearing aid so young, or a cochlear implant. I already have glasses with thicker frames and don't want to seem even more socially unappealing.

So this is who I am, an anxiety ridden mess who wants to die because the ringing is too much.

Hey man I'm just 21, and got my T from a really loud rave.. The first two weeks i locked myself in a room and closed myself from everyone and barely slept, in fact the only time i slept was when i stayed awake for so long my body couldn't take it.. Now it's about 2 months since.. And I'm better, i can still hear it but when i do i just do whatever i was doing so i don't think about it. I think the same way as you, that I'm young and the thought of this staying forever is scary.. I have a motorcycle i love but now I'm on it less and less in fear of my T getting louder, i stopped using earphones or headphones.. Fact is you came back to the forum, so i really hope you will stay read some advice and this take don't refuse it, because when i was feeling depressed reading here helped a ton.

 

[Kolisar]

Hello @Gl0w0ut , welcome back.

Life has been pretty miserable since then and I have taken it out on others on this forum.

Tinnitus will make people very upset, and sometimes when people are upset they lash out at others. I am certainly not condoning such behavior, but it is understandable and I am sure that those against whom you have taken out your aggression on this forum can understand that it was probably not personal but you trying to learn to deal with the anger you are feeling resulting from your tinnitus.

So much so I am contemplating suicide as a solution to this ringing and my drastic hearing loss.

I am so very sorry to learn that your tinnitus has driven you to even consider that as a solution. Please read through some of the "Introduce Yourself" posts here, you will find that you are not alone with that thought. Many here have considered it and continue to battle with those thoughts. Tinnitus and depression can create a vicious feedback loop. The tinnitus feeds the depression (and suicidal ideations) and depression can cause tinnitus to worsen. It is cruel how that can work and one can get caught up in the escalation before even realizing what is going on.

I know it does not seem like it right now, but it will get easier. It takes time.

I am scared to death to use my headphones anymore.

That may be for the best, @Michael Leigh wrote the following post on the headphone use and tinnitus:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/headphones-and-tinnitus.12062/ . It is worth reading and considering what he says. He is very knowledgable (as are many here) about tinnitus and I would recommend heeding his advice.

I liked the music extra loud to where I could barely hear anything else ....

While extreme volumes are dangerous. I understand wanting to block the world out, that is often part of depression. If you must use headphones (again, read Michael's post I referenced above to make an informed decision), try a low volume with earphones that both physically block the ear canal and possibly provide active noise cancellation (I just use ones that block as the environmentI am blowing out does not require active noise cancellation in addition to physically blocking the ear canal). Let the noise blocking of the earphones shut the world out then the volume required to hear the music is far less as it will not be competing with external sounds.

.... and this is my punishment.

You are not being punished. That though is coming from your depression. Your tinnitus may or may not be related to your history of listening to music at inappropriate volumes, but there is no punishment involved.

I don't want to be forced to wear a hearing aid so young, or a cochlear implant. I already have glasses with thicker frames and don't want to seem even more socially unappealing.

I am more than twice your age and I am struggling with the same problem (and strangely think I am also too young to wear hearing aids and feel I will be embarrassed to do so). But @glynis is correct (as she usually is), wear them with pride. By wearing them you are demonstrating strength, courage, and wisdom in facing the problem and addressing it with solution. I certainly wish I did not need eyeglasses (and I need them for both distance and reading, so I never get to take them off and see), but I wear them because I need to, and if at my ENT appointment next Tuesday I am told I need hearing aids, I will wear them. I have no idea how I will make it work with earphones and how I will listen to music, but I will figure something out (a quick google search shows that there are bluetooth hearing aids out there, if I need them I will probably go that direction and report back).

So this is who I am, an anxiety ridden mess who wants to die because the ringing is too much.

You are absolutely not alone, you have returned to community filled with people in the exact same position. Hang in there, it will get easier (it may not get easy, but it will get easier).

I wish you luck, and hope you find what you are seeking here. Please keep us updated on your progress.

 

[Gl0w0ut]

Hello @Gl0w0ut , welcome back.



Tinnitus will make people very upset, and sometimes when people are upset they lash out at others. I am certainly not condoning such behavior, but it is understandable and I am sure that those against whom you have taken out your aggression on this forum can understand that it was probably not personal but you trying to learn to deal with the anger you are feeling resulting from your tinnitus.



I am so very sorry to learn that your tinnitus has driven you to even consider that as a solution. Please read through some of the "Introduce Yourself" posts here, you will find that you are not alone with that thought. Many here have considered it and continue to battle with those thoughts. Tinnitus and depression can create a vicious feedback loop. The tinnitus feeds the depression (and suicidal ideations) and depression can cause tinnitus to worsen. It is cruel how that can work and one can get caught up in the escalation before even realizing what is going on.

I know it does not seem like it right now, but it will get easier. It takes time.



That may be for the best, @Michael Leigh wrote the following post on the headphone use and tinnitus:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/headphones-and-tinnitus.12062/ . It is worth reading and considering what he says. He is very knowledgable (as are many here) about tinnitus and I would recommend heeding his advice.



While extreme volumes are dangerous. I understand wanting to block the world out, that is often part of depression. If you must use headphones (again, read Michael's post I referenced above to make an informed decision), try a low volume with earphones that both physically block the ear canal and possibly provide active noise cancellation (I just use ones that block as the environmentI am blowing out does not require active noise cancellation in addition to physically blocking the ear canal). Let the noise blocking of the earphones shut the world out then the volume required to hear the music is far less as it will not be competing with external sounds.



You are not being punished. That though is coming from your depression. Your tinnitus may or may not be related to your history of listening to music at inappropriate volumes, but there is no punishment involved.



I am more than twice your age and I am struggling with the same problem (and strangely think I am also too young to wear hearing aids and feel I will be embarrassed to do so). But @glynis is correct (as she usually is), wear them with pride. By wearing them you are demonstrating strength, courage, and wisdom in facing the problem and addressing it with solution. I certainly wish I did not need eyeglasses (and I need them for both distance and reading, so I never get to take them off and see), but I wear them because I need to, and if at my ENT appointment next Tuesday I am told I need hearing aids, I will wear them. I have no idea how I will make it work with earphones and how I will listen to music, but I will figure something out (a quick google search shows that there are bluetooth hearing aids out there, if I need them I will probably go that direction and report back).



You are absolutely not alone, you have returned to community filled with people in the exact same position. Hang in there, it will get easier (it may not get easy, but it will get easier).

I wish you luck, and hope you find what you are seeking here. Please keep us updated on your progress.

I don't know if I will ever find relief from this hell. Death would eliminate my tinnitus, among other things

 

[Kolisar]

I don't know if I will ever find relief from this hell. Death would eliminate my tinnitus, among other things

I know how you feel, I tried to end my life. I am glad I failed. Despite the fact that I do not believe I will ever get relief from my tinnitus (which I have had my entire life) I am grateful that I am still here. Even though my existence is fraught with anxiety, sadness, and loneliness, I have met a couple people recently who have made the years of suffering leading up to my meeting them worth it.

I know you do not believe it at this moment, and if you asked suggested the same thing to me even as recently as this time last year I would not have believed you, but it is possible to achieve glimpses of happiness and to have meaningful relationships despite the constant torture that tinnitus puts us through. And, the happiness, compassion, and love that I have been able to experience because of these chance meetings was absolutely worth the wait and the effort it took to continue living.

You are correct, death would stop the tinnitus, but you would then not have the opportunity to experience many wonderful things and share experiences and connections with the occasional, amazingly wonderful caring person.

Please give life a chance, you can always change your mind, but if you kill yourself, you cannot decide afterwards that you may want to give life another try.

 

[Bobbie7]

I don't know if I will ever find relief from this hell. Death would eliminate my tinnitus, among other things

Hello @Gl0w0ut and welcome again!

I am sorry you are suffering to such a great extent and, although difficult, I think you need to calm yourself as much as possible since intense anxiety seems to only exacerbate tinnitus as we all can attest. You have tinnitus since April and, of course, it is very difficult to become accustomed to this unwanted interloper but you must be patient as you are seeking various means to help ease yourself. Although you are in turmoil and thinking dark thoughts, I believe these will pass as you gather assistance from both medical professionals and also knowing that you can post any time and you will always find an abundance of helpful and knowledgeable people in this forum at the ready to help and support you.

You are very young and if you need to skip a semester, it will enable you to get some treatment(s) sorted which will enable you to continue with school. Your feeling that you are not in control of your life is only a feeling and once you have found some appropriate treatment to help you cope, I am hopeful you will feel differently. Of course it is understandable that you feel depressed and even angry about tinnitus... all very normal and expected for most people who suddenly find themselves with this malady.

I understand your self-blame for having set your music loudly in volume but this is counter-productive.
Is there anyone of us who has not blamed ourselves for something at one point in time? I would venture to say no
but again.... what good purpose does this serve? If we keep on berating ourselves constantly, it only reinforces our anger and negativity about our situation. You are trying to find ways to help yourself and this is important. I feel most would agree that you should discontinue using your headphones for now and this will give your ears a much needed rest.

Seeking professional help is wise and the psychiatrist may deem it necessary to recommend appropriate medication for your depression and anxiety. Hopefully, this will elevate your mood and you will be better equipped to deal with your tinnitus. There is no shame in taking medication, when needed, nor is there any in wearing hearing aids if they are necessary. Your ultimate goal, after all, is to make you feel better and function effectively with as much comfort as possible. Please keep us posted.

Take care and I'm sending along my best wishes,

Barbara

 

[DebInAustralia]

Now that I have returned from my two week "vacation" from the forums, I thought I would reintroduce myself since my original post no longer exists. I have had tinnitus since April at least, from an unknown cause.

Life has been pretty miserable since then and I have taken it out on others on this forum. The truth is, I'm depressed from this. So much so I am contemplating suicide as a solution to this ringing and my drastic hearing loss. I am so anxiety ridden and feel as if I have no control over my life. I cannot make the ringing stop no matter how hard I try. I need medication just to sleep. I have finally decided to see a psychiatrist and my parents have pulled me from school for the semester to get better.

My tinnitus is high pitched (10 hz and up) and it scares me because on YouTube videos I struggle to hear anything above 10,000 hz. I'm only 22 and I appear to have the hearing of someone at least twice my age. This scares me. I honestly do not care about losing high frequency hearing since I barely use it, but if those hair cells dies, those ones I do use are next. I am scared to death to use my headphones anymore. Whether on headphones or in the car, I liked the music extra loud to where I could barely hear anything else and this is my punishment.

I don't want to be forced to wear a hearing aid so young, or a cochlear implant. I already have glasses with thicker frames and don't want to seem even more socially unappealing.

So this is who I am, an anxiety ridden mess who wants to die because the ringing is too much.

Key phrase: Anxiety ridden

I think this is the problem for most of us here, struggling with our t, h, ear pain, hearing loss, and other life and health issues.

Sounds like a good plan to take a break from school to get your sleep etc in order......But i found the best thing i did after my t onset, was to get 'back on the bike...' i took 2 weeks off to allow myself to feel miserable, then i forced myself to return to work, to social activities, etc. Not denying its been hard at times, but it is definately doable, and as time passes, it keeps getting easier (with glitches in progress along the way)

I will tell you something. There are girls out there who love guys who wear specs. I am one of them, and if you find someone/friends who like/love you for you, then your external appearance is irrelevant. I myself, have just started wearing specs after being a long term contact lense wearer. I have a strong prescription, so my lense would have been quite thick, but you can have them shaped so that you can pick out finer frames/even frameless. As far as the h/a go, again, i think youll find there are plenty of choices including more petite models that are less conspicuous.

 

[Gl0w0ut]

Key phrase: Anxiety ridden

I think this is the problem for most of us here, struggling with our t, h, ear pain, hearing loss, and other life and health issues.

Sounds like a good plan to take a break from school to get your sleep etc in order......But i found the best thing i did after my t onset, was to get 'back on the bike...' i took 2 weeks off to allow myself to feel miserable, then i forced myself to return to work, to social activities, etc. Not denying its been hard at times, but it is definately doable, and as time passes, it keeps getting easier (with glitches in progress along the way)

I will tell you something. There are girls out there who love guys who wear specs. I am one of them, and if you find someone/friends who like/love you for you, then your external appearance is irrelevant. I myself, have just started wearing specs after being a long term contact lense wearer. I have a strong prescription, so my lense would have been quite thick, but you can have them shaped so that you can pick out finer frames/even frameless. As far as the h/a go, again, i think youll find there are plenty of choices including more petite models that are less conspicuous.

While I appreciate the advice, I will not wear hearing aids. I'm 22 for Christ's sake, not 62.

 

[DebInAustralia]

While I appreciate the advice, I will not wear hearing aids.

misconception. young people wear h/a too ...