The Bigger Picture

Imagine someone you love losing the use of their legs almost overnight and she goes to hospital with osteoporosis.

Imagine that person collapsed outside your bedroom door at 2am in a pool of pee with two broken toes because she didn't get to the bathroom in time and no care package had been put in place. She goes back into hospital.

She then becomes bed bound and has to use a commode and a catheter bag.

I then lose my job.

Then she has a stroke and her left arm becomes useless to the point that I have to put it round me to say goodnight. She goes back to hospital.

Imagine four visits by carers every day because she has to be cleaned and turned in bed regularly to prevent bed sores.

Imagine having to get the out of hours doctor out at 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning because of some extra emergency.

Imagine that person then becoming doubly incontinent and her carers and sons having to deal with the aftermath.

She then develops a blistering, bleeding skin disease because her immune system is compromised by the drugs she needs. So now we need district nurses and she is covered in dressings.

Imagine having to feed this person with a spoon because she can't chew solids any more.

Imagine me jumping up and down in tears, headbutting the wall and slapping myself around the face in the middle of the night because I'm exhausted and know there's only going to be one outcome.

Imagine three and a half years of this because we promised not to put her away in a home.

I then get tinnitus.

Then imagine this person being 100% aware of everything and being terrified of everything.

She then goes into a care home for a few days respite but dies and the home doesn't know where her body has been taken so our social worker is initially phoning hospitals and morgues without result. This is at Christmas and I was so ill I nearly didn't go to her funeral. In the end, it was just two of us there. We couldn't handle any guests.

Imagine being ill for the whole of 2015 (me) and having panic attacks that would leave me gasping for breath from morning until night when I longed to be unconscious. Imagine being battered by suicidal thoughts for months. Imagine having to give your meds to another family member because you cannot be trusted with them. Imagine being turned away from hospital because you're 'not bad enough'. Imagine still thinking that you hear your Mother calling you at times.

So yes, my T is mild, slight even but I feel I've already been in hell for a good time and I don't like it. I don't wish to downplay anybody else's suffering on here but I thought it was time to inform this site of the bigger picture and that I'm not just a moaner who should count his blessings. Anxiety has ruined my life in many ways. I just wish to get better so I can enjoy the latter part of my life in peace. And it's true. My tinnitus IS small. I only really notice it in the quiet and when I lye down a small Morse beep starts which then becomes intrusive and continuous. I just hope I will eventually not give a toss and join the other millions who have trodden the habituation path.

 

@UKJon What a horrible time you've been trough. It must have been heart breaking to see your mother in so much pain. She's in heaven now, she has her peace. Mourning and depression are very much alike. I know what it feels like to feel suicidal for months. And it is hell. But your depression will subside one day and you'll be at peace with your T. Are you getting any help? CBT?

 

Hi UKjon,
I feel for you totally and went through the same with my dad who died in March and for years he could not walk and then could not feed himself and double incontinent.
Now my mum is In a wheelchair and struggling to look after herself and needs help and forgetting everything and so confused.
Today she dressed herself and put both legs in one trouser leg and put her shoes on and some how got to the stairlift and got down stairs dressed like that and walked a few steps with her zimmer like a penguin and sat down.

It's hard see our loved ones struggle in oldage and looking aftet them also with our own health issues that's hard going too.
We all react differently with our emotions but it's the hardest time ever to put our emotions under so much pressure and so easy to crack the strongest person into a break down.

We are here for you around the clock for your tinnitus and help you through your difficult time with friends who care and understand about your breakdowns....lots of love and hugs....glynis xxx

 

I hope your psychotherapist that you referred to understands the finer points of post-traumatic stress therapy, because to say the least, that is where you sound like you are at. You are carrying so much inside that needs careful unwrapping. Just keep posting if it helps. Ignore the critics. The Internet is such an easy place to find uninformed, reactive commentary.

 

I have discussed post traumatic stress with my psychotherapist and that is indeed what we think I have. I've always had anxiety problems since childhood plus depression and OCD at times. Imagine that layered over with all the other later stuff with my mum. The battery is flat and this is my third breakdown.

Thank for your sympathy and kind thoughts. I will keep posting. Sometimes I imagine myself as the person that accidentally finds the cure for tinnitus. I'm on a stage and a huge crowd of people are rising to their feet applauding. How I'd love to relieve people of their suffering. That goes for anxiety as well.

I'm sending out happy thoughts to you and hope that we can all somehow triumph in the face of such adversities.

My therapist is very good. She has T at times but it doesn't bother her because her attitude and character are different. She's positive and comforting. CBT has not been mentioned but I've tried Mindfulness and may do more.

 

@UKJon ,
My tinnitus is very invasive and I admit that I sometimes envy the folks here who have to listen for their T or only hear it in quiet rooms. I have never posted a negative comment about them on this forum though because I do not walk in their shoes and I don't know what else is going on with their lives and with their health. You are to be commended for the care you gave your mother and I'm glad you have found a caring therapist to help you now.

 

Thank you for that. I'm sorry you have very invasive T.