This Is Destroying Me

Hi people.

Another terrible day for me. Absolutely awful. I haven't stopped panicking. Went to bed not too bad but I am still not doing what I've been advised to do. I have been advised to switch on my masker as soon as I'm in my bedroom rather than listen for T first in the quiet. I can't help it. All is quiet when I have my bath but for some reason all that changes when I get my head down on the pillow. It's quiet at first but the T noises eventually arrive and keep building. By the morning, it's often quite unpleasant in volume and that sets off the panic.

I can't carry on like this. It's still only really the bedroom where I'm bothered by it but I still test for the sound before putting on the masker.

I am still finding it very difficult to accept that I can't have the silence all the time that I used to take for granted. This is after 13 months of T. I still don't want to admit that I need a masker maybe forever and I've had some very dark thoughts today. I'm absolutely terrified of what I might eventually do as I've suffered so much this year and i'm very tired of fighting. Going abroad, getting back to work and having relationships seem impossible at the moment.

Somehow, I feel that T wins if I have to use a Masker. Also, the anniversary of my mother's passing is tomorrow (17th) which was very traumatic indeed.

I have not done much today at all although I did order another masker. This is the Sound Oasis s650.

Perhaps once more, some of you can offer some support and advice and I thank you in advance.

 

@UKJon Jon I just wanted to say you've lost 2 things very important to you your mom and your silence its going to take some time to adjust. I lost my Dad 5 years ago and still think about him every day it takes a while for us to adjust.... just know your not alone in the T battle. Try not to be so hard on yourself keep posting there are allot of nice caring people on here.
Stay Strong

Carlos

 

There's half of your problem. You're listening for it. There is plenty of information on this forum why you should not listen for it. Basically, you're encouraging your brain that, "This sound is important, so please ramp it up because I need to hear it better."

You are so lucky to only hear it in a quiet bedroom. Many on TT hear it over everything, wherever they go, at sanity-breaking volume.

 

Hi Jonathan ,
I know its coming up tomorrow for the first year loss of your mum and is emotionally a hard time for you.
Do you have small maskers like little hearing aids to wear and set below your tinnitus ?
I would see your doctor and see if there is any room for improvement in adjusting or adding to your medication.
Let him know your having dark thoughts and see what he can do for you.

The Samaritans are a great support and MIND and The Mental health who have a crisis team to come out to you.
The AnE is a safe place to go for help if feeling your having a break down.

Tinnitus is hard going and the unwanted emotions can be tough with all the feelings building up and no place to go.
Have a relaxing bath and keep soft natural sounds on around you..all my love glynis

 

Indeed.... I did this for almost 2 years...sticking my fingers in my ear to listen if it was louder or softer....of course it was there....but I just had to do it....I took me more than 2 years not to do it anymore. You stop doing it when you are tired of yourself..... I have seen the deepest deep and that resulted in a depression. I can handle T so much better now, but the symptoms of the depression are still here so I am not out of it yet. But these symptoms are the same as T ....the more you give in to it the longer it stays in your concious mind.

You are only bothered by it in your bedroom....man I wish I was that lucky ;-) But I know that it does not matter for you it is bothersome and let nobody tell you that you have mild or tiny or severe or what ever T...you just have T and it bothers you....but what you have to do first is stop listening for it and put the masker on. I used it also in the beginning and now I do not use a thing!

 

Tinnitus can be very draining - I get it. I have had mine for over three years and am still having trouble accepting this as my new normal. I very much miss the silence and relish those few minutes once in awhile when the tinnitus is so faint that I have to focus to hear it. Night is the worst time for me. I have experimented with masking sounds and have found that those that contain intermittent high pitched tones matching my tinnitus actually quiet it down for a few seconds. I wonder if I can retrain my brain to stop producing the tone in my head. Just a thought.

 

Hope you are feeling a bit better as the days gone on....here for you anytime and pm and got my number....lots of love glynis

 

@UKJon, can you try antidepressants or benzodiazepines?

 

I know it's hard but the change in the attitude is your best friend. Do not fight with it, this is a fight we cannot win. Ignoring this seemingly threat (it's seen as a threat to our existence by our brains) though shall give the brain the chance to move this external stimuli to a bucket of unimportant ones. Ignoring means that it's not a threat, our existence does not depend on it.

I know it's easier to say than done but we do not have any other choice right now, until treatments arrive. Accepting the fact that T may never go away but you can live a happier life even with it helps tremendously. After the acceptance stage, something magical happens, you find yourself that it bothers you less and less everyday. Like 5 minutes less every day, slow but surely.

Basically we're trying to negate the thing some parts of the brain (limbic system + auditory complex) does by training another part of the brain. Ironical but works.

 

Don't forget those activities that you know you enjoy in life. Try one, see how you do,
just to get your brain out of the T loop.

 

Sounds like some serious OCD, try getting out with some buddies or getting a hobby. This level of T shouldn't bother you. All is quiet sitting in a bath tub? consider yourself very lucky.

 

100% agree

 

Thinking of you today Jonathan .
Remember the happy times with your mum and know shes smiling down on you.
Lots of love glynis

 

I felt that way at first, but now it doesn't bother me. I have all the silence I need by not paying attention to it anymore. You'll eventually get right back to taking for granted the silence because you didn't care before, and you won't care in the future.

That's a terrible way to look at it! Maskers or distracting sounds should be viewed as tools to beat tinnitus! I used a fan on high and white noise from my phone playing all night long for 6-8 months. Slowly I lowered the volume over time and now I don't need or use them at all!

-Mike

 

Dear, kind people.

Last night I had my bath and heard very little as usual in this quiet room. I then crossed into my very quiet bedroom which for some reason is where the worst of my T starts after a few minutes as I lie down. Why it comes on in this room and not in the bathroom is a mystery.

Anyway, I had a think and decided that I MUST ACCEPT masking for now. It's something I always fought against. I've always spent some time listening before turning the machine on. Of course the T starts to build after a few minutes THEN I turn the machine on which is too late. I'm STILL trying to do without it. Telis is right. I do have OCD plus anxiety.

I can be very stubborn although I'm only trying to get myself well. But I'm doing things wrong. Everybody says silence is bad for T sufferers but I always think I'm the one who can manage without masking. I did for a while but it didn't really help the anxiety for long. I've been advised to turn it on as soon as I'm in my bedroom but would I? No. The masker goes on but I can't resist turning it off again, then on then off, listening all the time. All this does is create more anxiety and disappointment which is the last thing I need. This just delays recovery and helps create panic. I'm frightening myself each time but it's hard not to be impatient after having had a breakdown lasting more than a year.

So last night I turned it on and kept it on although I was itching to turn it off and listen after just a few minutes. I had a good night (I also take prescribed sleeping pills from the doctor but I need my masking as well) and woke feeling much better than the previous morning when the T was even competing with the masker. That really panicked me. It sometimes seems to be the case that anxiety can come from nowhere in the mornings even if the previous day and evening wasn't too bad. Stress is an insidious thing and can build inside the body even when you think you're emotionally stable.

I lost my mum one year ago today as some of you will know and I'm fully expecting to have more bad T days. I've ordered a new, more sophisticated masker which plays more sounds and not just on 7 second loops.

My T is still 'mild' but I've got to stop this resistance to masking although I still hope that I'll eventually habituate to the point where my T doesn't bother me at all anywhere.

Thanks as always for your support.

Jonathan

 

UKJohn:

Do you think your T is triggered by reclining and the increased pressure in your head?

 

Yes I did wonder why it was worse in bed rather than anywhere else in the house including the bath. The bathroom is also quiet. Could it be neck tension or head angle or pressure at the back of the head or even psychosomatic? I don't know. I've always thought it was stress related. How can I tell? There is still a little bit of T most of the time but that's hidden mostly during the day. It does go up a bit when I've been out and come back indoors where it calms again after a few minutes so it's not a true spike lasting hours or days.

One thing I do know is that my jaws are often clenched at night and are often quite tender in the morning. There are exercises on YouTube which help relieve this.

 

Hi Jon. I hope today wasn't too difficult for you. A sound machine provides "Sound enrichment" It's purpose is not to Mask the tinnitus. Always make sure that you can hear your tinnitus above it. If you refer to it as providing sound enrichment and not masking, you may find that subconsciously, you are more accepting of it. It's just a suggestion. Similarly, try to have a radio on in the kitchen at low volume, tuned to something like classic fm. Low level non intrusive music such as classical, can provide good sound enrichment. However, it's advisable to use a sound machine throughout the night until morning instead of music. Music draws attention to itself which is not ideal for night time use.

Anyone that has intrusive tinnitus, I always advise them to continue to using sound enrichment at night even after they have habituated, as there is a chance the tinnitus, over time can become intrusive again. I have talked to many people that have habituated, chosen to stop using sound enrichment at night and noticed their tinnitus becoming intrusive again during waking hours. Not everyone will be affected in this way, but it would be prudent to always use sound enrichment at night in my opinion.

Michael

 

Thanks Michael. My day wasn't as bad as I thought it might be and I had a good night with the masker on throughout. You mention using a radio in the kitchen. My T is not a problem in the kitchen but only really in the bedroom. Is it 'intrusive'? Well as far as the anxiety it has caused this year then yes. But from a purely volume point of view, it has to be mild as it's only of real concern to me in my bedroom which as I've said is very quiet anyway although it can be faintly heard in other quiet rooms at home. My PC masks it right now. I do agree that 'sound enrichment' sounds better than 'masking' but it does concern me that I may always need it. Some people eventually wean themselves off it and some don't.

To me, habituation means not needing sound enrichment but I suppose it depends on what is meant by habituation and different people may have different ideas about that.

I think T made such an impact because the house is very quiet indeed and I always enjoyed sleep. It's the time when I go in on myself and escape worries or think about goals and dreams or whatever. That is what I feared losing the most.

Jonathan

 

Michael,
What effect do you think nighttime masking has on the brain that makes it effective?

 

For a lot of people, tinnitus takes off with increased fluid pressure in the head and inner ear, and it often happens soon after reclining.

Your clenching could be contributing also.

 

@Blujay
Hello Blujay,
Using a sound machine or music at nighttime isn’t considered to be masking. There is difference between masking tinnitus and using sound therapy for sound enrichment. Masking tinnitus is using a sound to completely cover up or mask the tinnitus so that it can’t be heard. However, once the masking sound has been removed the brain will focus on the tinnitus. The correct way to use a sound machine or whatever source one chooses for sound enrichment, is to set the level slightly below the tinnitus.

Whether a person chooses to use sound therapy at night is entirely up to them. I can only advise if they are having difficulty coping with their tinnitus, to at least give sound therapy a try at night. Below is a section of text taken from my post: Intrusive tinnitus.

It is well known that the brain and auditory system never switches off, providing of course one hasn’t met their demise. Doctors often encourage those, close to a comatose patient to talk to them, as the sense of hearing is still active. If the brain hears silence when we are in deep sleep, it has the ability to increase it’s own background activity. In doing so it will also open up its auditory receptors or gateways and increase the tinnitus. Thus making it louder and more intrusive during our waking hours. Tinnitus is generated in the part of the brain called the limbic system, which controls our emotions. The onset of tinnitus often brings with it fear and emotional instability, because that part of the brain focuses on the tinnitus and never wants to let it go.

A sound machine placed by the bedside and set to play throughout the night until morning, is an ideal way of supplying the brain with sound enrichment. The brain’s auditory gateways will now tend to close, and over time the tinnitus is pushed further into the background making its perception less noticeable during waking hours. If a person has hyperacusis (sensitivity to sound) it will also be addressed, as sound enrichment will help to desensitise the auditory system.

It is not uncommon for someone with hearing impairment to experience tinnitus. Once someone is fitted with a hearing aid/s the tinnitus will usually fade into the background and become less noticeable. This is because the brain no longer has to work so hard by turning up its internal gain (volume) to compensate for the frequencies in the outside world it cannot hear. Wearable white noise generators used as part of TRT (tinnitus retraining therapy) work in a similar way. Supplying the brain and auditory system with sound enrichment. Over time the tinnitus is pushed further into the background making it less noticeable. If hyperacuis is present the wngs will treat it.

Michael

 

Have you tried hearing aids to amplify the ambient noise to see if that would work? You can get your hearing checked for free at a lot of places and if you get a pair of hearing aids and do not like them after a while many places will refund your money.