This Is My Nightmare

I am not terribly active online. I have never posted anything on any website or forum. Not on news websites, hobby forums, nowhere. Never been to a self-help seminar, support group, nothing. I'm not that guy. But since this has been such a profoundly traumatic experience and I have been clinging to this forum for the past week or so, for the sake of catharsis, I feel like I have to lay it down, so here goes . . .

Last Tuesday (10 days ago), I was jogging on my treadmill listening to my Ipod. It was fairly loud. I've always enjoyed cranking up my tunes. Went to some loud concerts in my teens, but other than that, it was mostly earphones. My wife would sometimes comment that she could hear the music when I was sitting and listening and she expressed concern. We've all been warned about hearing loss but no one tells you that you can be cursed with a permanent ringing in your ears.

So I got off the treadmill and hopped in the shower. I dried off, threw on my jammies, and stepped into the hallway. I turned my head to the left in response to a loud and high pitched whine. "What's that?" I then realized that my ears were ringing. In both ears. But the left was louder than the right. I have never known complete silence. I always had some very faint head sounds in total silence. I assume we all do. Never bothered me.

I put it out of my mind and went to sleep. Next day it was still there. "That's odd." When I was younger and going to concerts or clubs, I might have some diminished hearing or soreness for less than an hour. Maybe even the next day, once or twice. I went on with my day.

But over the next three days, I became increasingly concerned. The sound was not going away. Like many of us, I turned to the internet where I discovered that "tinnitus" was a thing. A bad thing. Something that could be permanent. Something that people have killed themselves over. I was still able to get some sleep with some soft rain sounds on my Ipod. I was able to function at work, but I kept googling and googling and became consumed with the sound, always searching for it. I found this forum and became freaked out and, to a lesser extent, mildy consoled. There were others suffering, but there were others proclaiming the triumph of habituation. Some were lucky enough to say that it went away for them.

Up to this point I had been keeping it together. But over the weekend, the silence of my quiet home was oppressive. I got more and more agitated. I dreaded telling my wife because that would somehow make it real. Maybe she would blame me for all that loud music. I hated myself for what I might I might have done to my ears. But since I was losing interest in food and exercise and started watching movies all day, she finally asked me if there was something wrong. At last, I told her that I think I have tinnitus. I started sobbing uncontrollably. Called my mom--same thing, tears. They tried to be supportive and understanding and my mom said that she had it too but has gotten used to it over the years.

I really started to lose my compure. I told myself, "This can't be happening to me! I can't live like this!" I felt like a blubbering fool. I needed support but didn't want to alarm or alienate anyone. Everything around me reminded me of my horrible new condition, even if it was just metaphorically. I began to obsessively clean my ears with drops and a bulb, praying that it was just earwax.

The next day my wife and I stayed home. I tried to see a doctor but none were available. I didn't go the ER because I assumed they would just tell me there was nothing wrong and I should live with it. Everything was setting me off. I knew that this would be my undoing. I started to bargain with God, blame myself, and resolve to be more compassionate towards others. Most of all, I resolved to NEVER expose myself to loud sounds ever again. The slightest interaction with loved ones, a poignant moment on TV, or a random thought could cause me to start weeping. This is not me. I am a man. And I'm over 30 for crying out loud.

On Tuesday, I saw a GP. She looked in my ears. No inflammation and they were clean. She did see some fluid behind my left ear and prescribed me some pseudophedrine. Did not seem terribly concerned about my obviously fragile emotional state.

I have not been able to sleep for the last 2-3 days, not well anyway. One night I lied down by the fridge just for the relief of the sound and pulsing from the floor. I was falling apart. Now, at work, I am in a sour daze. Everyone is wondering what is wrong with me. I have an appointment with another doctor a week from today. This is the first time I have ever considered seeing a shrink or taking psyche meds. I am struggling to get past the notion that this may be forever. I can only ignore it when surrounded by noise and engaged in something. I pointlessly compare my affliction with those of others. "Would I trade this ringing in my ears with an amputee for my leg? Yes." I can't think straight. There is so much conflicting information and mixed emotions about what I can or should do.

Now the sound seems to be louder in my right than it is in the left and more like crickets than a high pitched whine. I feel some crackling in my ears when I swallow or move my jaw and pressure seems to be shifting in intensity and from ear to ear. I am just trying to cope and get a grip.

Anyway, that's my long manifesto. I'm not fishing for pity, "attaboys", or a magic bullet. I just keep trying to tell myself that one way or another it will get better. I don't know if it will be next week, next month, or next year. I don't know if it will be because it goes away or if I learn how to survive. I'm just taking it one day at a time, that's all. Thank you to everyone on this forum. I try not to obssess about it online, but somehow just coming here feels less lonely.

 

Welcome to TT @Justme! Glad that you have found us!

First of all, we have all been in your position. I have T from a cold/fluid in my ears, and for the first week of T I was terrified. Didn't eat much, lost sleep, overly anxious. But guess what? THINGS HAVE GOTTEN BETTER!

For starters I have kept up a positive attitude, and have told myself that my T will go away. You will read a lot of stories on the internet about T been awful, but the truth is a lot of people have T that goes away - even because of noise exposure. Now this could take a couple of years.

And if it doesn't go away - you can still live a good, happy life. People habituate to the T. It can take a while, but it does happen. At first I thought I would never be able to ignore the sound, but y'know what? I can be in a silent room and ignore it. Sometimes when I am reading or writing I completely forget it is there. Trust me, it will get better.

Here are the things you should do:

1) Avoid loud noise exposure. You are already doing that which is good. If you do attend concerts/cinema etc, wear earplugs. There are some threads on this site about the best earplugs.

2) Get a decent amount of sleep. You are already ahead of the game by playing noises in the background while sleeping. To be honest it is probably your anxiety keeping you up. What I did was force my mind elsewhere when I was thinking of my T. It worked and I managed to fall asleep. I know sleep with no background noise. If you can't manage, talk to your doctor about sleeping meds or anti-anxiety meds. Sleep is very important for T. If your body has been damaged, sleeping repairs it.

3) Control your anxiety. This may mean meds or talk to a therapist. But anxiety again puts the body under stress, and your T is going to seem worse. You need to keep calm. Tell yourself that you will be fine. T will not kill you. It is hard, I know, but YOU WILL BE FINE.

4) See an ENT, preferably a T specialist. They will be able to make sure there is nothing else that could be causing T.

Stay strong. Honestly, you will be okay. It seems unlikely now, but you will be. Allow yourself time to grieve, to be upset, but there is a difference between that and anxiety. Do things that you love - exercise, eat healthy. 80-90% of T gets better in the first year. So I believe that even if yours doesn't go, it will get better.

Keep us posted on how you are doing!

 

Thank you citigirl13,

It's so encouraging to know that there are others like you who have gone through this. I shudder to think how lost people must have felt before the internet! At least I know I'm not going crazy.

It's just been a real struggle this first week and it feels like it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. The fear of permanence, the prospect that it is unescapable, etc. We've all gone through our trials in life and I've had my fair share of crises that I've overcome, but this has shaken me to my core. Nothing is harder then trying to stop thinking about a sound inside your head. The anxiety, mixed emotions, and lack of sleep just exacerabate things.

But, yes, the pity party has to end sometime or we'll never make it. I'm going to take your kind suggestions to heart. In the meantime, I'm trying to take solace in all the little things in life there is to enjoy and stay strong.

Whatever happens, I've taken a vow to be more empathetic, compassionate, and pay whatever support I get forward. Best of luck to you as well.

 

When you say get better do you mean volume wise or just getting use to the T

 

Your story rings a lot of bells Justme. If I were you I'd get your doctor to prescribe something like diazepam - I had a couple of weeks on a low dose just for the first couple of weeks and like you it's not something I'd ever considered before. Look at it this way -the stress and anxiety can only make the T worse, delay any healing and prevent any habituation. It's not a sign of weakness - if I offered you a drug to cure the T you'd take it so a drug to get you over this period is no different.

I've not had mine long but it has reduced a lot to the extent this week it's only been intrusive at night and early mornings, at times it's actually disappeared. I don't want to tempt fate, but from feeling my life was ruined I would now see it as slightly affected if my T remained as it is now. Of course I could wake up tomorrow with it screaming but for now I'm hopeful.

 

Hey Justme!! I just gave you a bro hug!!

Your story is my story dude!! Like nearly exactly, except my T is idiopathic (neurologically based) not trauma (noise) induced. But the way you are reacting and thinking right now WAS exactly what I went thru!! Previous to T, I had never been on any forum, seen any shrink, didn't have any emotional or psychological problems, was just a happily married, SoCal laid back surfer. Everything was chill. T changed all of that!!

Like you, I freaked out!! Read my habituation thread; https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/habituate.3120/

I actually ended up in the ER because I thought I might end it all!! I thought I was going crazy!!

So what you are experiencing, unfortunately, is quite common with early onset T. Your brain is freaking out because of the noise, you aren't sleeping properly (which totally jacks with everything!!), all of this snowballs. So you have to get stabilized!! Go see a psychologist. I had never sought any mental health help ever. But it was the best thing I did early on to get myself stabilized!! I had never taken meds (not even advil!!) before, but he put me on a med that helped me to sleep and evened me out psychologically and emotionally.

My last encouragement, stay connected to life!! Don't retreat or withdraw (even though that's exactly what you want to do, I did)!! Seek support from friends/family (here on TT!!). Don't let your T win!! And don't fixate on the future! For now, just get thru today, one foot in front of the other! You can do it!!

You WILL get thru this and things WILL get better!! My T is so gnarly (extreme high pitch and volume!!), but I am living a happy, productive life!! You will too!!

Post or PM me if you have questions or want to chat!

Best to you!!

 

Thanks you guys.

You have no idea what your words mean to me right now. I'm just trying to keep keeping on during the day. Stay busy and distracted. The nights are still daunting. Jeff, you've given me a lot of hope. If a laid back surfer can be wiped out by this and still emerge above the waves, then I know a neurotic like me has a chance. Bro hug back at ya!

 

Not wanting to jynx myself (touching wood as I write this) but I think the volume has gotten lower. I think I have learnt to deal with the sound, but I also think the vol. has gone down. It used to feel like a very loud ringing, but now the noise feels/sounds more like a buzz. Doesn't bother me as much. Mine changed quite a lot at the beginning and even now there are times when I have to strain to hear it in a quiet room. I am trying not to focus on it and just ignore it. Unfortunately my ear still aches and at times I get headaches, though it has improved GREATLY since it first began. However, tonight I have had a nosebleed which I think has to do with the pressure in my head being released. Bit upset because it hasn't been bothering me for a while. Good news noise isn't getting worse so at least that is something.

 

Glad yours has improved!! ugh i get those damn ear aches too though there really annoying and it hurts. Ive had t almost 5 monthes now and hasnt changed since day 1 just experience fleeting T alot more now but it goes away... but my T is so mildd soo i technically Hear silence but when i plug
My ears its firing away in there sounds like a tinkerbell lol and just a plain ringing sound... But if it were to get any better then i wouldnt have T so im prayin my T stays the way it issss nowww foreveerr i can totally live with this. Just hope a year from now i can have a totally different mind approach that if it does get worse loud wise then its not the end of the world :-/ hope i can get to where you are and just not think about it at allllll

 

All of us seem to have a similar story, with the exact same ending. I grew up thinking only women cry, until I sat on a couch crying and trying to determine which direction to blew my head off. I wasn't going to let this T ruin my life, but thank GOD I decided to go to bed with the TV on, a fan blowing next to my head, and a radio with ear plugs... over kill yes. I was alone (going thru divorce) and decided I couldn't live for myself so I decided to live for a women I met from work, she had a whole host of pain issues, back issues, which had no cure, but she had to endure it, and she did with a smile. So I lived for her, I tell you this because you may have to just live for your wife.... and nothing else matters.... just her.... and live for the day... not a week, month, or year.. way too long.. sometimes just an hour.... but make it thru the day..... you need TIME.... time is your best friend..... your brain will unlock from the T and let it go.... it will fall back.. but you need TIME.... you can not hate it, b/c it will hate you back two fold. I would suggest sound therapy....I did Nueromonics... I am NOT ADVOCATING anything for them.... I read a lot of crap on the internet, and I decided I needed to seek professional help. the Audiologist was great and I felt I was getting better, maybe I could have done it alone with classical music, playing just below my T sound..... but we all have to tackle the T our own way, and its our own journey. Mine turned down, but honestly, its not a noise, it neurons misfiring in your head.....my brain started looking away, and not being so troubled about it... the moment you tell yourself you can live with it, and have a good live, is your first step to habituation. No pills, no cures, just your body dealing with an injury. I seen a Psych, and said I would rather be paralyzed, but thank god I am not.... I am sure some one who is would surely trade. Long stoy yes, but you will live thru this, it will get better if you let it, it never goes away, we learn to ignore it lit its not there, two guys I worked next to have it, one rarely hears it, and the other has to find it, both are ARMY vets..... I think more of us have it than we really know, but we get use to it and move on, so we all must move on.. I hope I have helped....

 

O'h...P.S..... to my above post, the lady from work, we are both retiring and getting married.... so the T introduced me to her, in a sense..... funny huh, but when handed lemons, we have to do something with them......

 

I can't forget about it ALL the time - like when I have the pain, or when my ears thump, or a headache. HOWEVER, it has been better apart from the last five days where my cheek has felt weirdly stiff (sinus related I am guessing) and a buzzy head. My doctor assures me (as well as countless others) that it is the fluid and my ears are congested, and that it will go away. Trying to be patient but it so hard.

I am with you - if the crackling, headaches, earache etc would go I could live with noise. As it is, I just want to get better. Unfortunately it can take a while. Still, have a relaxing weekend to look forward to so should help! Your T doesn't sound too bad. T can be very loud so I am grateful that mine is low - I would be happy with this, minus the annoying congestion problems.

 

You definitely helped me! Strength and Peace to you brother! Cant deal with the negativity in some threads here - I totally understand the distress others encounter but with only one month in I need some hope and self efficacy. Saw a very good Audiologist last week. Started some audio exercises this week and have DECIDED to get back to my life. Before I was sitting crying when I woke up. Back to gym, back to seeing friends, back to coffee and a couple of drinks. Moving past the shock and distress is a necessary first step. Dealing with WHY?! and then putting reasons aside is the next. Finding a good, trustworthy and experienced Audiologist is a must. Facts not horror stories please. Discussing Neuromonics is the next step in another week - I dont work for them. How many other injuries, illnesses and mental health issues have we recovered from over the years? Many.

 

Well, you know for SURE, you will live thru this one, but only you can decide is how well.....

 

JustMe
Dude, this sounds just like me last year (my T hit like a freight train -- 03/2013). I'm not a 'cryer' either but it took me to my knees (God, why me?).

Bottom Line Up Front: it's been a year for me and I have my life back -- you can/will too!! Take courage cuz ur in for some trials; but you WILL get your life back.

Since you're a newbie: stay away from Google; there are a million scams out there that only put your wallet on diet. Also, if someone claims a sure cure, look for a line of twenty million people out their door; otherwise it's a scam. I wish someone had told me that when I was new to T.

Right now try to understand and take into account that your brain has been placed in fight/flight mode and your anxiety is over the top because of it (wears you out, causes depression). Your brain is reacting to the T (focusing on it, giving it high priority) which, in turn, makes it worse. I'm sure you are well aware by now.

I'm truly sorry for what you are going through; I hated it (thought my life was over -- it's NOT).

Think about this, here is a quote from your first post "I put it out of my mind and went to sleep." That's exactly where you want to be! The sound likely didn't get any louder until you really focused in on it -- I did the same exact thing. It wasn't the sound so much (although the sound was agitating) as it was the idea that was bothering me; which, in turn, caused more anxiety which, in turn, cranked up my T which, in turn, depressed me (and on and on).

I'm not saying to 'just put it out of your mind' right now; if someone had told me to do that even four months ago I would have said they were nuts. What I am saying is this should be your end goal -- this is what you are going to work toward. For example, my T has been screaming at me all day today; I'm only registering it now because I'm talking about it -- even then, I can't bring myself to react to it nor does it even effect my mood in the least. I'm sorry if that sounds boastful or even menacing to you right now; it's not meant that way. I'm telling you so that you know what is in your future (it's not bleak, try to put those negative thoughts out with the trash and take heart, let yourself feel a positive wave about your future). I just recall how hopeless I felt; it's not hopeless and you can/will get your life back indeed.

There is a process to turn the negative spiral of anxiety, T, and depression into a positive spiral -- and it's doable.

Prayers!!

Mark

 

That's wonderful Piper, congratulations!
I am really lucky to have my wife through all this. She seems to know just when to be supportive and let me mope, when to be upbeat and take my mind off things, and when to give me a kick. Of course, she doesn't like the fans and is a light sleeper, so if I was alone that wouldn't be an issue. We have another bedroom but I don't want to be alone very much. I don't know what I would do without her. She makes sure I eat, get exercise, and stay positive.

 

She sounds like an amazing woman. You're very lucky to have her there for you; it makes dealing with T much easier.

 

Mine uses ear plugs now, and likes them... wears them even when I am not home.. just an idea....

 

Well, I saw an internist yesterday. I told him everything that was going on with me. You can probably guess most of the major plot points. He did not see anything wrong with, or in, my ears. He did the whole tuning fork thing to test my hearing. Nothing noteworthy that he noticed. To tell the truth, if I do have hearing loss it's not really obvious to me, though I understand it could be in a certain frequency. Ironically, all my other vitals were better than ever in terms of blood pressure, weight, pulse, etc.

The doctor set me up with an audiologist who I am going to see later this week. He also prescribed me some ambien, and agreed to give me some prednisone, just in case. On a positive note, he was very sympathetic and straight up with me, not dismissive at all. He knew what T was, said he didn't want to give me false hope and told me he just saw a guy with the same complaint. At least I found a good primary care physician. I think they have a good team there. Also, I am no longer crying and coming apart at the seams, but he did offer a psyche referral. I have my good and bad moments. This morning I started out with a feeling of resigned, almost nihilistic, anger. Maybe that's an upgrade from the fatalistic thinking I've been having. My biggest problem right now is the sleep. I'm not getting much, and bedtime is the most terrifying part of the day. I've heard some stories about the ambien so I will proceed with caution. It is nice to know I have that as an option when not much else helps. I'm also not going to get my hopes up with the prednisone, but at least I won't feel like I've missed some opportunity to try that.

In the meantime, like every other aspect of T, I just don't know what to make of the shifts in the tones, volume, sounds, tickles, and even the shifts back and forth between ears. It never sounds exactly the same on any given day and it can change without apparent reason. I am still having odd sensations of mild pressure, crackling, popping, mucus, in my ears. Are they related? Who knows? Sometimes I think my mind is playing tricks on me. Forgetting about it completely is next to impossible, but I did a lot of driving this weekend and I can't hear it and don't really think of it over the sound of the engine and fans. I try to think about those moments. But masking at night is harder than it was when I first got it. I know my ears are ringing but I don't know why, for how long they will, or what can be done about it. I suspect that part of the healing/habituation process is the mood changes and experimentation but I'm mindful I can't do it forever.

I should also mention that on the same day, I visited a family member in her 90s who just a had a major medical issue the day before. The courage she and the rest of the family were showing in the hospital made me feel super guilty about my preoccupation with my stupid ringing. Anybody else experience this?

I'm trying not to obsess or over research but I feel like expressing all this is part of my coping strategy. The emotional confusion just sucks. OK, I'm done whining. Thanks for indulging me.

 

Hiya Justme.

Sorry to hear you are having problems with your sleeping. It is early days yet, and unfortunately it is not uncommon for you to struggle sleeping. One thing I did pick up from your post is that you are terrified of bedtime. Everyone feels like that at some point, but because you are so worked up that you cannot sleep properly. Aside from meds all I can suggest is masking and making sure you are relaxed. Try having a nice bath before bed, taking the time the relax your body and get it ready for sleep. Remember it is not so much T keeping you up as anxiety. When you are sleeping and can hear your T, instead a getting anxious about it force yourself to think of something else. That's what I did with mine at first, and while it was tough it did work. Can't hurt to try it.

We all have good and bad days. It's a positive thing that not all your days are bad.

The crackling/popping etc is normal. I have it, but again mine is to do with a cold. However, I think most people have it when they first get T, and again I think for most it goes away.

Try not to feel guilty about your reaction to T. It is a big deal, particularly at first. T is also a sign that something in our bodies is wrong, so you are smart to want to have it checked out.

Hang in there. T feels like the hardest thing in the world, but you can live with it. keep us posted

 

So I saw an audiologist. He said my hearing was totally fine and saw nothing unusual in my ears. When I told him another doctor saw fluid in my left ear he seemed confident that that was the cause and that it would subside over time. I saw an acupuncturist too. She gave me some jujube pills. Oddly enough, I started being able to sleep from the day I started taking those. Could be unrelated or a placebo. Ambien and prednisone did not appear to have any effect on sleep or the sound.

The fullness, crackling, and popping in my ears seems to be going away. I am definitely feeling much more stable in my mood, and getting sleep the last several days has been crucial with that. You guys were spot on about that. I keep trying to stay active to take my mind off things. Sometimes I feel like a shark--like if I don't stop moving I'll "die". Even though I am soldiering on, I can't stop searching for answers or solutions, not with any real expectations, but this ringing turns you into an amature diagnostician and I worry about the day I will be left with nothing but having to face habituation. I guess that's just how it is.

The single most maddening question for me now is: What in the world can it mean that the sound that got my attention was coming from my left ear, but now the right ear is clearly louder? I still have it in both, and I can't say if it was noise induced or from a sinus/head fluid issue, but the fluctuations are just bizarre. Anyone else struggle with that? I never know what to make of it. Thanks again for all the kind encouragement and advice.

 

Hi JM, I want to thank you for your post. I read it and thought man that was me a year ago. I did not ever think I would be in a better place, now after reading your post I see how far I have come.

Also thanks for reminding me how great it is to have access to people all over the world, to share our feeling and thoughts. What people did back in the day, was only get to see a Dr. once a month and maybe go to the library to learn about tinnitus.

I only have T in my right ear, but the fluctuation for me is 3-5 day of oh boy here comes the jet engine again, followed by 3-5 days of just a moderate noise. this phenomenon happens to a lot of us here.

Remember you are not alone in this. We are open 24/7

 

I have the exact same thing It resonates back and forth between my ears. Sometimes the right ear is the better one, sometimes the left ear. It's just.. odd. Even headaches, weird muscle contractions in the back of my head, clicking sounds, and tingeling in my ears from time to time..