Two Years

This June represents the two year mark for me and tinnitus. As I've described in previous posts, the onset of my severe unilateral tinnitus occurred spontaneously one evening while I sat watching television. It has not abated or diminished in intensity over the subsequent 24 months.

I think about tinnitus every minute of every day. It dominates all aspects of my life, and requires tremendous mental stamina to endure. As a writer working in marketing and advertising, its ever-present nuisance has greatly impacted the quality of my output. As I sit in my office now, the 12k tone feels like it's burrowing a hole in my skull. It's painfully loud. The sense of anxiety has never relinquished, and I pass my days alone in constant torment.

I'll never know what caused my tinnitus. It presented seven months after I underwent a successful craniotomy for a benign brain tumor. The distress of that procedure, coupled with the emotional pain of divorce a year prior, may have simply broken my brain. I don't know.

In any event, tinnitus is clearly here to stay. Though its burden is great, I am determined to endure it. I try to remind myself that many people never received the opportunity to live as long as I have (I'm 39). I think of the millions of young men - especially the many gifted English poets - who died in the trenches of France during the first world war. It somehow consoles me to think that I've been given more time than they, even though my time now is monopolized by tinnitus. I can still occasionally read and write, and I sometimes experience momentary reprieves from the anguish after a workout or a few drinks. But most days are misery, and that's my lot. It's not as bad as others' fates, and I try to maintain perspective.

To all in a similar predicament, persevere. There is value in suffering.

 

Not sure if you're already aware of Neuromod but they're supposed to launch a new device called Lenire to reduce chronic tinnitus this year in Europe. You can find a thread on them here and an interview they did with @Steve back in December here. The device is supposed to initially launch in Ireland and Germany, afterwards probably in the UK and other countries. They're currently pursuing FDA approval in the US.

 

This is profound and I agree, thanks for posting it OP. I sometimes think of my favorite authors and they died before their prime, it made me realize how lucky I am to live in the modern day.

 

I am approaching the 2 year mark in 4 months and my tinnitus has gotten better but nowhere near a point where I can habituate...

It's nice to hear that you decided to push thru with life even under the persistence of tinnitus. I admire your bravery Victor. As mentioned by Autumnly, Lenire may be able to help us so there is still hope!

 

My tinnitus is so loud now and think about it a lot. It doesn't annoy me so much but ears are getting sensitive now which is more of a concern. Its gradually taking my social life. I can't feel sorry for myself as there are so many people that are worse off than me health wise.

You will do well in life as your outlook is positive which i admire. All of us have a one huge nadir and maybe that was yours so perhaps its all up from now on. Must be worse for you not knowing what caused your Tinnitus in the first place

 

True. Latent artistic talent may, through the cruelty of pure physical fate, be denied a chance to ever bloom. It is tragic, it seems almost absurd. I relate this to my and others' loss of music through tinnitus and hearing loss.
Regardless, I appreciate your post. I, too have a 12-13 kHz searing sound that feels as though it is boring through my very mind.
Hugs.