Vacation From Hell

So I'm writing this out of pure desperation. I am here on a 2 week vacation, well close to the end, and I've had the worst time of my life. Before going I was not in a good state, but I was managing somehow. I was basically going because I wanted to relax and let my T to settle a bit, the previous years have been good in this regard.

Just on the first day I got woken up by this loud ringing in my left ear, a new tone out of nowhere. And still after two weeks it's here, not only that it's gotten worse. My left ear as always the good ear, I've had loud hissing in that ear which has been slowly getting worse, but I didn't have much tonal tinnitus. Now there is an actual tone and in silence it gets really really loud. And even when not in silence I can very clearly notice it, like when listening to music on low volume.

And then the following days I was exposed to a theft alarm in the store, which was loud obviously. But as if that wasn't enough, the next day I went to cycle for a bit and got caught in a storm and a lightening strike nearly hit me, but the noise was deafening. So all that resulted in tinnitus in my right ear getting louder as well, no new tones but definitely louder and it's raging when I wake up, whereas before if I masked it during the night it stayed calm.
So my days are spent just in agony and I have to force myself to actually get out of bed and go outside.

And just today another setback. I used to windsurf as a kid so I figured I might try to rent a windsurf for an hour and it seemed like a good idea. But it was actually the worst idea, there was too much wind and waves and I kept getting thrown in the water, which wouldn't be so bad but every time I hit the water I could feel this loud rush of water entering my ears. Not sure how loud it gets but it felt pretty damn loud when I hit the water and the water hits against my ear drums. I was miserable and my right ear actually felt painful after I was done. And just as predicted I now have additional hissing in my right ear that's even louder than my already louder T in that ear. Who knows what addition damage I've done by falling in the water that many times. And it was all my fault for going in the first place.

So here I am, having the worst time of my life when I'm supposed to be having the best. My ears have not been this bad ever and it just keeps getting worse.
Sorry to complain so much but I really wish I was dead just about now. Honestly it's not like I have something to live for, a life of some sorts.

 

I'm on a holiday now also...and it is so damn quiet here that my T is at the front row...the whole day My wife and kid have a great time, but I just cannot stand it anymore.... They all take a nap in the afternoon, but when it is silent my T is so damn loud ... I can mask it but not all the time.... Friday we go home again....perhaps time for Trobalt or something...,my T also seem to get worse....I don't know...more aggressive or something. @LeQuack ... I feel your pain m8. Can you mask your T in any way?

 

I used to be able to mask it, but it required more and more sound and fans. Right now I simply cannot mask it at all, I used to be able to before I went on vacation.

 

Have you tried Trobalt or TRT or something else to manage your T better.
I'm so tired right now...I just lay in bed in 10 minutes and go to sleep and mask the hell out of it.
My wifes mother is also with us and this afternoon she told me she is deaf in one ear and T is screaming the whole day in hear head...all kinds of different sounds. I never hear her complain. So I said what is you trick.
She said .... she just gave up on it. I do not know what it is with people... I just hate that noise so much.
I hope you can find some sort of relieve @LeQuack....

 

Sorry to hear about your troubles as well. I am here alone so I have all day to obsess about my T. Sitting in quiet and getting depressed thinking about what's the point of living with this

 

I am having one of those days too but I have children..so I can't off myself. Ya know priorities

Anyways why don't you go get stinking drunk tonight? That should relax you Have some fun...even if you're alone!

I am truly sorry your T is getting worse. I haven't been well lately either and it is difficult and I'm not sure what to do.

Hang in there.

 

I know how that feels man. I just wish that I could just lay down and die so I can go to heaven and be happier there with no more suffering. I screwed up on Friday and stood to close to a speaker when someone decided to just turn it on and start riffing. I used to be able to mask my T and get some sleep and still perform. Now all of that is impossible and I'm only 21. My life is pretty much over despite what anyone says.

 

You didn't screw up. Shit happens. Been there, done that and still doing it. We are just super unlucky.

Give yourself time to grieve. I still get pissed that half my life is gone due to my H and T but I have gained some perspective and a new creative outlet. No I don't always feel well enough to get out of bed, but you will see, life can still be fulfilling maybe just not how you thought.

Hang in there.

 

Hey man, feel proud that you are out there on your own with this demon and still trying to enjoy yourself.

You probably just have a bit of water in your ear spiking your T, no big deal.

Good luck.

 

Thanks, but I wouldn't call any of this enjoying myself. The joy is gone from my life. And now with this new and it seems permanent loud tone in my left ear (not the spike from surfing) that I've never had in my previous 10 years I don't know how I'll make it honestly.

 

Man I am so stupid for going windsurfing, todaythe hissing in my right ear has become unbearable. It's so loud that I will pack up today and leave here, even though I paid till Sunday. I just can't take it anymore. Hope I crash and die on the way back.

 

Dont beat yourself up man, it wasn't stupid, I would have done it. On the other hand if you went out clubbing all night without ear protection, that would be stupid. It seems like a pretty reasonable thing to do on vacation to me, even with T.

Wait it out, like I said you could easily have water in your ear or just irritated it and it goes back to baseline, happens all the time, I've read it here a thousand times. It seems we can irritate our tinnitus doing anything, if it weren't this, it may have been something else anyway.

Pack up, take a relaxing drive home, put on some music that you enjoy (low volume), maybe stop along the way for a nice lunch and be proud of yourself for giving the vacation a shot. Next time will be better, just didn't work out this time. Don't worry about paying until Sunday, who gives a shit, it's done. Or, stay one more day, chill by the pool with some music on headphones, read, maybe have a drink, calm down a bit and leave in the morning.

Sorry things went bad for you, I really feel for you, I've been where you are at so many times and I'm only 18 months in, I still struggle every day with my tinnitus changing and doing bizzare shit all the time. This thing just beats us down, you just have to move on and not think about it too much.

I know I'm not a lot of help here man, I'm not doing well myself so maybe the advise isn't even good advise, hard to help, I know there isn't much I can say but know that you aren't alone in your situation.

Try and stay strong.

 

Let me just make a few points and observations LeQuack.
I remember you moaning and wanting to end it last year, but now you say your T was maskable at night?
Dude, my T isnt maskable at ALL. I have made it 4 years like this so far. So you will make it too until we have a treatment.
And for Petes Sakes, have you ever heard of silicone watersport earplugs? Falling into waves is like getting your ears syringed and we all know that could cause tinnitus.
So to all those that make stupid mistakes like willfully standing next to speakers or skydiving without ear protection, 《《《Get Real》》 》 and use hearing protection.
Sorry for sounding harsh, I'm using the tough love approach today lol.

 

Thats just it, I knew might fall in and that water hitting your ears is bad and was contemplating getting ear plugs, but in the end I just didn't. That's why I was stupid, I was aware of it and did nothing. I can't really explain it how I was so careless. And now it's too late.

 

Yes, it was a bad decision in the end. What you should of done is exit the water at the first wipe-out and ran to the store to buy silicones.
Problem is, we still think that we are normal like the rest of the people. Once you convince yourself that you are an invalid (which I did) , then you shall make much less mistakes in the future.

 

Invalid?! We? Speak for yourself there, buddy.

There is often talk around here that ENT's don't help tinnitus patients. I know what's missing now. Instead of saying to go home and live with it, they need to tell people they are invalids! They should go home, quit their jobs, lock themselves in a quiet room with no interaction with the world. In fact, they are so sickly, they can't take care of themselves anymore. Any meaningful life is over.

Sorry, but that's how that comes across, and I think it's such b.s. advice.

-Mike

 

I don't know where you are, but maybe you can just go pick up a good book and find a comfortable place on the beach near some loud crashing waves and read. It won't mask your tinnitus, but so what... just go to read and relax the rest of your body and let your ears ring away.

-Mike

 

Oh thats some great advice buddy lol.

You know if doctors realized that tinnitus can be a disability, then it would be taken much more seriously.

 

Sorry to hear about your 'hell' in vacation. Your experience reminds me of a poster 'Englishsettler' a while ago in another forum. Dan probably knows about this guy's story too. He was away from home and was hit by a sudden attack of extreme T (and hearing issue too). Felt stuck there w/o help and wishing to die with the traumatic experience. Ya, it is not a pleasant experience at all when you are away from familiar environment without its support system, ending up suffering badly in some lonely place. He was in utter despair for quite a while, wishing to end it all, and we were trying to talk him out of it. @dan & I might have differences at times about issues, but I surely admire the guy for using his surviving his tough struggle for years (as in here too) to help lift the victims of these extreme cases of T out of their despair. If there is one person you should look up to for surviving unlivable T, Dan is the guy and I truly mean it. Your suffering is bad for the time being @LeQuack but it may settle down after your ears heal. So don't despair. Look at others' survival record and try tell yourself to calm down. The less stressful you are, the less intrusive T is. Give it some time and do something to distract, as @Telis advises. He has very bad T & H and he knows what he is talking about. I often promote the idea of 'finding joy amid the pain', whatever you can do to feel better. So be patient and take good care.

 

Yes I remember that Englishsettler guy well. He was in such despair from his worsened T abroad, that he posted he literally shit his pants in front of his girlfriend....and what do you know? One month later he was doing well and helping people with habituation. Go figure...but, it happens.

 

Sorry about that. I'll try to take more of a defeatist approach like you next time. Works wonders for you, hasn't it?

-Mike

 

hey Mike, what exactly did I say to make you go nuts on me?
Is it that I consider severe tinnitus a disability? and disabled people are classified as invalids by the way.
Please kindly explain yourself, lets be civil, I would really like to know what you think severe T is.
Thanks.

 

Telling someone who is currently having a very bad week that they (and others here) are invalids and need to act as such is really really bad advice.

Maybe you and I differ on definitions but I understand it to mean a person incapable of taking care of themselves and is considered incapacitated. Either way, I have a hearing disability but it hasn't stopped me from living my life. If someone told me my disability or my tinnitus made me an invalid I would be pissed off.

I'm not an invalid and I don't believe the OP is either. It's a defeatist attitude that will do nothing but ensure a person stays sucked into the world of tinnitus hell.

 

Thè problem is Mike, that if the OP wont take proper precautions, a bad week can turn into a bad lifetime.
Have you thought about that? This isnt some a virus or a bug that just goes away in a week.
You will agree that the OP has a degree of disability? I mean he can no longer do activities that a normal person can do.
So people with severe worsening tinnitus ARE invalids to a certain degree. I never said full invalidity.
You have a hearing disability, but it is not life threatening thank God- but, catastrophic tinnitus is.

 

It's one thing to take proper precautions. It's another thing entirely to call yourself an invalid and live life as such.

 

I was trying to make it so it sinks in to his head and by using a word such as invalid may have some shock value.
But, Let me ask you this-
Would you say a person with severe hyperacusus that cannot leave the confines of their home, even with hearing protection, is an invalid? Yes or No. Thank you.

 

Whether an invalid or not (according to the medical definition), I think the point is also that - as an example - some people lose their jobs due to tinnitus - in which case, they may perhaps be worse off than an invalid - who - for the most part would be able to apply for some kind of disability (not so with tinnitus patients - unless they are members of the armed forces, for instance). Indeed that very question (re: disability) was something the BTA addressed in their Q&A-session here on the forum:

 

Oh wow, I must of missed that thread, thanks for bringing it up.

Anyways, I dont want LeQuack to lose his job over T.
Rest and relaxation unfortunately wont make T lower for most people, unless its psychological origin.

 

Hey there. I am so, so sorry you're having such a terrible time.

I definitely get the regret you're feeling, but it serves no purpose. I know that doesn't make it much easier to quit beating yourself up, but it's still the case.

Try not to get too entrenched in how your T feels, or how you feel, right at this moment. I know it's really awful, but it will probably change in some manner, especially if it was caused by something traumatic. Even if your T didn't change, you will most certainly change.

For now, try to do something that takes up so much of your attention that you can't focus much on the T or you feelings about it and still complete the activity. Video games worked for me - if you're some kind of video game mastermind and practically play them on autopilot, then you might have to pick something else, but you get the idea. Also, ask yourself - are you getting enough sleep? Nutrients? I know they seem like small things in the face of T panic, but they're big things. Having both will make dealing with your feelings easier and make it easier for your body to heal as much as possible.

Maybe life would be better without T, but there's still a lot of good stuff out there. Hang in there, things will change, it just takes much more time than we want to give it.

 

Thanks guys for all the advice. My T is still raging but I'm felling a bit better so I'm going to stay here till Sunday after all. I went cycling yesterday and although it took a lot of effort to go I was feeling a lot better afterwards. So I'm going to try to make the best of these days and worry about my T spikes when I get home. Well that's the plan at least.