What Do You Do When Your Spouse Doesn't Get It?

Discussion in 'Support' started by Forever hopeful, Sep 7, 2015.

tinnitus forum
    1. Forever hopeful

      Forever hopeful Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      August 2015
      I am a newbie. Just shy of two weeks in. Loud rock concert. I have my first ENT appt Thursday. Anyway, my husband refuses to accept that this may not go away. He read on line that tinnitus can be caused by middle ear fluid, which I have bilaterally. I have read this as well but a family friend,p with who I spoke, who is a retired ENT, said it is likely a delayed traumatic response to the concert ( ringing went away after concert but came back 2 days later), which ENT thinks may resolve once my ears heal but not sure when. My husband has glommed on to that and has convinced himself that this will go away because we know some people for whom that was true. Well that would be just lovely but not necessarily likely. He thinks my posting and reading on this site is a negative obsession with the T and that I am focusing on the negative and the worst case scenario. I have been depressed, anxious and unable to sleep. Basically going through the motions of daily life except yesterday when I had a good day. He does not get it and really does not want to talk about it. Am I overreacting? I think my T is probably fairly mild based upon what I have read on line I only hear it in mostly dead silence or when tv is on low in an otherwise quiet room. Most ambient noises of the day and office tend to mask the T. I asked him to get me a nice noise machine for my birthday in anticipation for when the air conditioners come out ( live in North East) and he said shouldn't you wait until after your ENT appt as if they are going to offer me some magical cure. Anyone had that experience? How did you cope ?
       
    2. Ears don't heal, that's the thing. Chickens ears heal but ours don't. Hearing loss is cumulative and it does not repair itself so you may have done a lot of damage from a loud concert and then just a bit of loud noise pushed it over the edge resulting in the T. A lot of research is actually focusing on how chickens ears heal themselves.
       
    3. awbw8
      Balanced

      awbw8 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2013
      Hi @Forever hopeful, I'm sorry you're dealing with tinnitus. I would like to say that while ear damage does not necessarily "heal" in the traditional sense tinnitus certainly need not be permanent even after an acoustic trauma.

      Of course, I don't know you or you husband, but I imagine his feelings may be more about him and less about you. I posted about T and our loved ones a while ago, maybe it will provide a little perspective. Tinnitus can be hard on everyone. https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/talking-to-loved-ones.10869/

      I had a similar experience with my loved ones. I wanted to prepare for the "worst" as having hope for it going away felt quite painful, and I didn't want to feel the let-down if it didn't. I'm sure your husband just wants to imagine you being better. I imagine he can see your anxiety etc. and doesn't want to see you go down that road and perhaps feel he can't help. I admit, all of this is based on my own experiences and reactions of my own loved ones, but perhaps some rings true.

      You are very early in, it still could go away, but you're right, it's not terribly likely the ENT will be able to do anything. That said, most people, whether T goes away or not, get back to their normal lives again. Things get better. In most cases, people either habituate, or the tinnitus goes away. You will be alright. Try not to be too hard on your loved ones, it's hard to see the people you care about in pain and we don't always know how to react in the way that best supports them.

      I hope some of that is even a little helpful. I might humbly recommend talking to someone with whom you don't have a relationship - like a therapist or psychiatrist. That really helped me. In terms of your husband saying being here etc. is an obsession, just try to tell him how you're feeling, or share some of these posts with him. T really takes over people's space, especially in the beginning, it can be traumatic, and you're just looking for answers.

      That said, don't give up hope! Things will be okay.

      *hugs*
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    4. Dubbyaman
      Angry

      Dubbyaman Member

      Location:
      Northern Indiana
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Excessive loud noise
      Wtf? Tell your husband to start acting like one. He's not the one going through it.
       
      • Like Like x 1
    5. awbw8
      Balanced

      awbw8 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2013
      Dubbyaman, it's true he doesn't have T, but watching the person you love, your partner, suffer something unimaginable and go through anxiety, depression etc. is not easy, to say the least, especially when there's nothing he can do to fix it. I agree, he should try to support her as best he is able, but I imagine that's what he's trying to do. It's a complex issue and not everyone is immediately capable of supporting even the people they love in times of trauma. It can take some learning.
       
      • Agree Agree x 3
    6. Forever hopeful

      Forever hopeful Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      August 2015
      @Constable85.

      I understand that hearing loss does not reverse itself. I can only write what an ENT with 30Years of experience said to me. He also said that the majority of chronic noise induced T cases come from chronic loud exposure like peopke in construction, factory workers, musicians etc. or thise who repeatedly expose themselves to loud sounds via recreational activities. like using fire arms. That said, we have not determined yet if I have hearing loss . I am not under the impression that this will be temporary. I know many folks who have clearly had it for years from one concert. That said, I am not a frequent concert goer or exposed to load noises but I guess we will see
       
    7. Everyone's ears probably have a different threshold. Just like some people can drink and smoke their whole lives with no liver or lung issues while others develop lung cancer and cirrhosis of the liver in their 30/40's. At the end of the day it all comes down to genetics.
       
    8. Forever hopeful

      Forever hopeful Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      August 2015
      Hi @awbw8,

      Thanks for the supportive post. I read your post in the link you included. It seems you too are a victim of a concert. May I ask if you have hearing loss? Thankfully, the people ( including my husband)with whom I attended the concert seem fine. There was a speaker a few rows ahead of us that made it all much louder I am sure. Didn't know that when I got the tickets and it was a large outdoor venue. I know my husband is worried about me and scared for me. He knows I am not sleeping and barely eating. My stomach turns at the sight of most food. I think it is just wishful thinking for him. He sees how are lives have already changing. I take ear plugs everywhere. Have to determine if I am comfortable in a loud restaurant. I do not seem to have H, it is more fear , terror actually, that T will get worse and wanting to protect myself so I wear the earplugs. My son's birthday party is Tuesday at Dave and Buster's and I am scared to go even with ear plugs. I have never been but heard the place is super loud. My kids skate ( husband is a coach) and the rinks are loud and I am terrified of going even with ear plugs. So he sees that our lives may all change. I keep trying to tell myself it will get better. Hard to see that coming from where I am. We know of 2 people with noise induced T that went away at around the four month mark but they may just be lucky. Anyway, thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. It is hard to make people understand. I told my best friend and she said" oh that would drive crazy". Well exactly. So helpful........not.
       
    9. awbw8
      Balanced

      awbw8 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2013
      Aw gosh, I remember being in that place where I was terrified to the point where food tasted like sawdust in my mouth. It will not last forever, even if it feels that way, hang in there. I'm so sorry you're at that point right now, I know how awful it feels.

      I do have a little hearing loss, but so little that really it's not noticeable to me in daily life, perhaps things are a little less sharp, but again, not really noticeable. Here's my success story on the forum if you're interested in more of the gritty details since we have a similar cause: https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/the-light.5969/

      I would really recommend going to a kind, understand psychiatrist. Mine was the best at that point for me, he helped with the anxiety and the sleeplessness - it was too much to handle without medication. I'm off all of that now, but there's no shame at all in getting help when you need it. They can honestly, in my opinion, do more than an ENT can in most cases. Additionally, it's an MD who is able to both answer you medical questions and listen to your experience.

      Your lives are probably very different right now, but it's a traumatic thing, it will take time to adjust. Whether it goes away or not, things will feel "normal" again, it will just be a new normal. Humans habituate to unpleasant stimuli every day - T is just a really upsetting one, but most people do get there. I carry earplugs everywhere now, but it's not a big deal - I wear them in restaurants, and I can actually hear people better in conversation. I had sound machine (no longer need it) - IF it doesn't go away (and it may) you can still absolutely be okay and go back to having as good a life as you ever did, again. Try not to despair, and know that you're in a period of trauma right now, it feels like a lot of awful changes, but a lot of things will change back, T or no.

      Hang in there, read all the great stories in the success section and let us know how things progress. We're all here for you.

      We're here for your hubby, too, by the way, if he needs people to talk to. We've had significant others, parents, siblings etc. all join to try and get information for loved ones with T and to try to understand.
       
      • Friendly Friendly x 2
    10. Steve721

      Steve721 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2015
      If you've only had T for two weeks, it may well go away. Nevertheless, the first few weeks after you develop intrusive T can be filled with anxiety--that's certainly the way I reacted. I talked to my doctor and, ultimately, to a psychiatrist, who prescribed a sleeping aid (Trazodone) and an anti-anxiety medication, Clonazepam (.5 mg three times a day). Those medications calmed me down and helped me to sleep.

      I think reading some of the horror stories on this site may have made my anxiety worse, so after a while I just tried to avoid those. For me, reading the posts in the Doctor's Corner helped most.

      After about a month, my anxiety was greatly diminished, and I was able to come off most of the Clonazepam, although I still take .25 before going to bed. Now, after three months, I am pretty much back to my old self in terms of the way I live my life, except I do wear ear plugs in loud places. My T is pretty much the same (moderate).

      I also strongly recommend that you have an audiologist check your hearing. If you have hearing loss, hearing aids may help with your T--they greatly reduce the perceived volume of mine.

      Good luck.
       
      • Like Like x 1
    11. Forever hopeful

      Forever hopeful Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      August 2015
      Thank you to @Steve 721 and @awbw8 . The support means so much to me. I have Ativan and Trazodone my GP gave me when I was having problems sleeping due to perimenopause. I have doubled the Trazodone and basically find it useless. I take .5 or .25mg of Ativan when I need it, which has been more than I would like these past few days. I have an appt with a psych NP this week to review the meds. I also have an appt with an ENT this week and audiologist but I have bilateral fluid in both ears and have for 2 weeks so I am not sure if that will impact my test. I do not perceive any hearing loss and can still hear people talking very low. Anyway , I will know more this week. I am hoping someone will go with me to that appt. I am sure a little Ativan will. I am also trying to get an appt at Mass Eye and a Ear. I live near that hospital and they are doing a lot with Tinnitus.
      And I agree, there are some great stories on this site but there are some discouraging ones as well. I am trying to weed those out. I will try Doctors Corner.


      Thanks again.
       
    12. awbw8
      Balanced

      awbw8 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2013
      You're welcome, we're always here for you. Remember, also, that this is a support forum, a lot of the people here who are suffering will not necessarily be here for long - most of our members spend about 3 months here before moving on. Of course, there is a small percentage who have long-term trouble, and that's why we're here, but do keep that in mind when reading difficult stories - it's not the majority. Given you said you feel your T is relatively mild, it seems like the anxiety and depression may be the biggest hurdles for you at this time, and those are manageable and treatable.

      If your current sleep aid isn't working, I might suggest asking your doctor about other options. All sleep aids are not created equal and not all bodies react the same way. From what my doctor told me, there are different classes of drug, and they work differently. I tried 3 before I found one that knocked me out. It wasn't ideal, but my body needed rest and at least it got me a little in those very hard early days.

      I hope your appointments go well :)
       
    13. Forever hopeful

      Forever hopeful Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      August 2015
      Thanks awbw8,

      You do make a very important point that most of the people on the site now are suffering now and need support and I in no way mean to minimize that. It would make sense that those who have habituated and are doing well will move on. I think it is hard to deal with this when it is new and then when you read stories of people who have had bad spikes that they have to then habituated again - it is just heart breaking. My heart breaks for them, as I hate to see anyone suffer, but it also terrifies the living day lights out of me to think that may happen to me and all this might get worse. That seems beyond unimaginable. I have actually sat here and cried for some of my fellow posters over their stories. I cry for me, I cry for them. I think that is the point @ Steve721 was trying to make. You have to focus on some of the good stories and I have been trying to do that to minimize my general sadness for all of us in this boat.


      Best wishes.
       

Share This Page

Loading...
If you have ringing ears then you've come to the right place. We are a friendly tinnitus support board, dedicated to helping you discuss and understand what tinnitus treatments may work for you.