Checking In

Hey all. Sorry I haven't been on here much but I'm trying to make my T a non issue in my life and being on here to much was getting in the way.
So it's been a little over 2 months since my random dog whistle sound appeared and I think I'm coping well. The massive panic I initially felt has gone and most days I don't have too much anxiety about the T. I don't think the volume has changed but overall it feels less intrusive. I still have bad days. Today is the worst I've had in a few weeks. But even a bad day now is better than a good day a month ago. I'm starting to habituate as well. Most days I can be guaranteed to not hear it for at least a few hours. On good days I may not hear it much at all. On bad days I don't get a break.
I stopped my benzo a month ago and now only take it on the real bad days which is averaging once every 10 days or so. I'm still on the wellbutrin and after a lot of side effects (including 2 days of bat-shit crazy panic) it leveled out. It actually increases my anxiety a bit but it has tremendously increased my resilience and keeps me positive. Even if the T vanishes I'll be staying on the wellbutrin as I really like it. I no longer need anything to help me sleep and I'm back to sleeping through the night again most nights. I've also got my appetite back and no more constant, sick stomach.

The weirdest thing though is that any outsider looking at my life would think things are going great and taken a good turn. Since the onset I've lost over 30lbs, started a new exercise program, started cooking again, stay much more active and busy, and have actually increased how social we are. I made the decision to not let T change the quality of my life. Most days that's living more on faith than truth but I'm trying. I also have tried hard to stop monitoring my T and instead monitor my response to it. That's a damn hard thing to do but I'm ever so slowly getting there.
From this post it kinda sounds like everything is great but that's not entirely true. It is still a struggle. Life is still harder and different than before it started. I still get scared, panicky and sad on bad days and occasionally mad as hell when it's intrusive and won't shut up. But things are better. And I think that slowly they will continue to improve.
As a side note, my parents came up a week ago and I was asking my Dad about how loud his T is. He said his is loud enough that now he only hears about 60-70% of what people say and has decided to start looking into hearing aids. It actually is loud enough to block that much of his hearing. But, he's habituated to it and said unless he's having a hard time hearing over it or his sinuses are acting up he doesn't actively hear it unless he tries. I was shocked that someone could habituate to multiple tones that loud (his is a buzz, a hiss and mostly cicada-like noise) and it gives me a lot of hope.

 

@Nich Thank you for checking in! It's good to hear things are going better for you. As you know, getting better is often a slow process--two steps forward, one step back. But it sounds like you're getting there. Having a great attitude is so important along with strategies for dealing with your noise, especially when it's loud. You're still early into this too so there's a chance you'll fully habituate soon!

That is interesting! It's hard to believe his tinnitus could be that intrusive and yet he can tune it out most of the time. I wonder how that works? The brain's complexity is amazing.

Please keep in touch! And keep up the good work. I know it's hard and often discouraging, but you're getting there!

 

Dear Nich, for what it is worth, I was amazed at the level of self-awareness, realistic thinking and acceptance in your words. It is remarkable that you have achieved so much in such a short time. You are remarkable.

It is true that T can bring positive changes. I also lost weight, exercised more, learned how to prioritize. Too bad some of these changes have not stuck as much as I would like. Need to get back on track.

I have far more good days than bad, and am confident I will be ok. But I woke up this morning, heard my ears buzzing loudly as usual and thought: my life never will be the same. But our lives never are the same.

We could wake up this morning and have our spouse tell us, over coffee: I want a divorce. We could get in a car, go to the grocery store and get in an accident that gives us a permanent back injury. One night 15 years ago, met my boyfriend at a restaurant on a busy Friday night, ordered a glass of wine and collapsed on the table because an artery in my brain had just burst.

Our lives are never the same because change is constant. Each day brings something different, sometimes really big things, that are totally unexpected. So I think I will put down my iPad, go walk the dog I sponsor at a shelter, go see a friend who was just diagnosed with cancer, try to get some hedge pruning done, get ready to have a dinner with friends and embrace whatever this day brings.

Thanks for checking in. Understand you needing to take a break.

 

Woah @Nich
Sounds like you are on the right track and good for you for quitting the daily benzo early.
You have come further in a couple of months than I have in my 9.
Just had a massage and can barely hear my t.
The central nervous system somehow plays a huge part in mine. So exercising and all that you are doing is very inspiring.
Have a funny feeling your t will fade substantially in the next few months.

 

Great update @Nich. You have made marvellous improvement in such a short time. You can only expect better things to come as time goes by and you brain getting more used to the T sound. Your father is truly an example of the many who have loud T and yet don't find the need to gets support for it. I have a family lady friend who is almost the same. She told me sometimes T is just too loud for her to hear people. Once she even told me she couldn't hear an approaching fire truck coming to her apartment due to a false alarm. Her T is very loud enough to block her hearing. But she never panic about it. Just told me she trusts that she will get used to it and that is it. Some people just seem to have different DNA.