Feeling Abandoned and Ruined, Exams Coming, Need to Talk to Somebody

Discussion in 'Support' started by Michaelz, Apr 20, 2015.

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    1. Michaelz

      Michaelz Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud concert
      Hi! My name is Michael and I have been following the forum for a long time, but today I decided to join and share my problems, because I'm going through the very hard times and lots of anxiety and I felt the need to talk to someone. The huge anxiety boost that I'm just having is connected to my final exams that are approaching, but my overall story is a bit more complicated.

      I'm 19 and I should have gone through my highschool final exams in the previous year, may 2014. However, I had an accident just few weeks before the examination session and I broke my right hand - exactly the shoulder. It was a hard time for me, I didn't know what will happen with the exams, I was very stressed. They put me in a plaster first - like whole-chest plaster, I looked like a mummy. But then it turned out that it is a more severe condition and I had an operation, spent days in a hospital - anyway, my exams were to be postponed because I couldn't write them and they were postponed to the next year session - to may 2015.
      To just let you know what kind of a person I am - I didn't whine a day because of this broken hand and a gap year (because I formally finished my school), I managed to cope with it, I was even a little bit excited about the operation because I never had one before and I knew that I'm not fighting it with cancer or any deadly thing and it's just a mechanical issue. Btw I already had my hand broken just two months before that - in February 2014 - it was the left wrist and only ended in wearing a plaster a month. And even the fact that it was my second fracture in two months period I didn't cried about it.

      So after the holidays I went back to classes in my school as a kind of free listener just to keep with the learning and not to forget the stuff, I was even glad that I have some extra time, because I wasn't well prepared for this exams last year frankly speaking. So this time I started learning regularly, thinking about my study and future life. And bang - this is when the tinnitus comes. I went to a loud concert in October and it destroyed my life.
      Beginning was the usual story - went to a doctor about two weeks after the concert when I started to worry - I am (I was?) a heavy metal listener and went to many concerts and I was used to have some peep in my ears afterwards. He prescribed me some betaserc, encorton, without any specific examination and said it will be ok. I was taking all these medications for over 2 weeks and nothing changed. And then slowly the depression was coming - I stopped going to school, I couldn't get out of bed, slept my life through, I was having suicidal thoughts, hated every second of my life, I was begging that the time could turn back and I didn't go to that stupid gig. I hated everyone, I hated myself, I was ruined.

      It was the end of March when I finally managed to look around me and I decided to put up a fight. But this is the time I started to learn to my exams - which are now in 2 weeks and I really don't feel prepared and I'm working like hell now, but I know I will not manage to prepare as good as I could if tinnitus didn't crossed my way and I didn't waste months in depression and anxiety. And now I think of all these people looking at me and telling me: "You had an extra year, you could nail these exams but you are waste and couldn't ever apply yourself". This makes my T and my emotional state even worse and I feel so miserable and disappointed about my life. My family thinks of it as an imaginary problem and when I tried to share my anxiety about the exams with my mother I only heard: "You had a lot of time but you were doing nothing". So the teachers at my school, asking me now why I hadn't been going to the classes for so long, why I didn't wrote any mock exams. What can I tell them? I feel like a nobody, I get a constant impression that people think of me as a nobody, as a jerk who couldn't get to work properly and flunk and will waste his life. Like I'm pathetic and should be treated with contempt and ironic indulgence.

      I feel extremely worried. The only good thing overall is - I start to think that my T actually gets better. I have it for 6 months now and I strongly believe that it might go away as I read sometimes that it is a chance that it can go away between 6-12 months. Do you think that I should try a doctor again? I even heard of someone who was cured only by taking encorton - but for approx. 4 months straight. Maybe I gave up too fast and I should try some more things and maybe my tinnitus could be fought through? I feel that I am just crawling out of the lowest point of my life, and I feel I should fight any possible way to get out from this hell and I really think I might do it. Please share your thoughts, I really don't have anybody around that could understand what I'm going through. Thank you!
      • Hug Hug x 2
    2. Leah

      Leah Member Benefactor

      Chardon, Ohio USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      Sorry you are having a tough time.
      Please talk to a doctor about your problems, more than just t going on.
      Help your family understand by showing them some information about the reality of life with T,
      You can get though this, check out the support and ideas on these forums. Take care
      • Friendly Friendly x 1
    3. Lucas G.

      Lucas G. Member

      Temuco, Chile
      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Hi Michael.
      I was reading your T story. I'm sorry for the moment what are you passing ...
      Maybe this can't help you ... but I have to say I really understand how are you feeling right now. Believe me.
      I'm 19 years old too ... and I'm having my first year on the university and it's getting difficult to me. I got this goddamn T in the new year for an unknow reason. I know how it sucks. :(

      Hold on. Take a breath. Try to find help with your family saying your real feelings and asking for help with other opinions of ENT's.
      I'm sure of a hope on all this hell. Don't give up, you are not alone Michael ... we are young and the relief will come.


      ( Sorry for my bad english )
      • Friendly Friendly x 1
    4. Lorenzo74

      Lorenzo74 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      Hey @Michaelz

      I am sorry to hear about your predicament… Don't stress too much on what others think about you… You have a lot to deal with already with your T and the anxiety that it comes with, so try and concentrate on yourself and what you want to achieve…

      I would advise you to follow the 4th agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz which states: "Always do your best". Your best is going to change from moment to moment, it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.. :)

      Keep up the good spirit and come here when you need to.. Someone to listen and help is always around..

      Take care of yourself and your ears..

      Ciao !! Lorenzo
      • Friendly Friendly x 1
    5. Michaelz

      Michaelz Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud concert
      Thank you guys! @Lucas G. I know what you mean. I had this impression that I'm at such brilliant moment of my life, highschool/university, the whole world just opens before you, so many great things are to be done, and then all the life power is just leaking out of you. And all around you are the young people just enjoying their time, majority with no real life problems yet :(
      So you think that I should try seeing an ENT another time? My point is: when the medications I first got didn't help me and I fell into depression and anxiety, I didn't make another appointment cause I thought that running around the doctors won't help me, but it will make my tinnitus even a bigger deal for me. I mean, I would concentrate on it more: is it lessening?, are the new drugs that I would got helpful? And I was so afraid of losing this fight that I instead chose to try to ignore and maybe think that it would pass if I'm pretending that it's not really there. But it was. But for now, I really believe that my T has decreased in volume at least a little bit or I habituated a little bit to it, so the feeling that maybe something might help is becoming stronger than hopelessness that I'm done for life.
      Is it a slightest chance that visiting a good ENT might still help me with 6 months noise induced T that is probably going better? Anybody here on the forum had something like that and it helped or at least improved the condition? Or maybe you know someone?

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