Feeling Worthless and Pathetic for My Parents

Hi, I recently was made unemployed, I was really excited and in a good mood despite my tinnitus ruining most of my happiness and the will to wake up most days, the reason of my good mood was because I finally found a job for good money.

I had plans in my head to easily save a deposit in under year for a place of my own to live, unfortunately on my first day in work, I found out that it is a very noisy atmosphere and that I would have to wear earplugs all day to protect my hearing.

On top of this I didn't sleep at all the night before the first day in work, half way through the first day I was advised that I would have to work very early starts for the rest of the week despite my applying for a late shift as I don't sleep well before having to get up in the mornings.

My mother is on holiday and I called her but I didn't want to talk about the new job she I and my close family were happy about for me, I told her why, I kept it short and asked her about her holiday.

Between the phone call and an hour nap, I have just been crying and feeling hopeless, useless and pathetic, I won't be happy working in a place where I have to wear earplugs all day as my tinnitus has gotten so bad and debilitating that I can not stand to be awake for half of the day without earplugs in let alone with them in and listening to the screaming all day.

Also the anxiety of the noise levels despite having hearing protection and the fact I have had very early shifts sprung up on me out of nowhere, I am torn between a well paid job and my parents being happy for me and not returning to that job and my parents being disappointed in me.

I just wish that I could lead a normal life and be able to sleep in silence, take a job without having to worry about noise or road noise driving to and from it and the added anxiety of waking up every day with debilitating tinnitus.

 

Meeb,
Your health and mental well-being and sleeping and coping has to come first and if you have a roof over your head at your parents you still have time to find a better job before becoming independent in your own home.
Don't feel bad as we understand so don't feel guilty if finish the job.
You gave it a try and proud of you for giving it a go...
Love Glynis

 

Thank you Glynis, I rent but I have money to last a couple more months, not a lot but enough, I don't think this is the job for me, I just don't know what the point of living is, if all I do is just about get by and survive to be unhappy and anxious.

I decided to explain to the person who dealt with me about my condition and why I can't work there, he was luckily very understanding and said he would let me know if anything else comes up.

 

I soooo can relate to your feelings. Im also constantly thinking what a failure I am and how disappointing I must be for my parents.

The only positivity I can add here (I don't have children and most likely never will) is that I have a little chiuhaha doggie and I would always, ALWAYS love her. No matter what. Is this the same love that exists between a parent and child? I don't know. But i hope it is

 

U did the right thing, you only walk in your shoes and have to live with the consequences of an unsuitable environment.
Have done far too many things to please others...office work is better...somewhere where u can add noise rather than cancel it may be easier x

 

Have always tried to please others or do what I thought they'd be thinking I should be doing like returning to work after the kids only to acquire T...maybe if I hadn't been so exhausted things would have been different.

I'm stuck with this living half a life (been a bad week)...looking back am sure they'd rather see me enjoying my life than me being successful.

My two cents...

 

I don't have any children either, I am a mess, why would I want the added stress of raising a child? not to mention it wouldn't be fair on them if I was at constant anxiety and/or depression, I can barely survive most days as it is now .

 

I don't think it would help my condition to work there, wearing earplugs all day won't help at all for a few reasons.

I should really be on disability as I am not in any fit state to work, but the procedure is so long and it causes even more stress down the line, I thought I would take this job and look past the long hours but I wasn't prepared for the noise at all, plus if anyone caught me wearing ear protection, a complaint could be made down the line that it is dangerous to wear ear protection and I could be laid off if they didn't like it. I am quite lucky to have such amazing parents, they just want me to be happy and that's why it upsets me so much and makes me feel even more upset knowing that my mother and father are upset because they can't help me and I am stuck in this scenario.

A while ago my mother left me a note which she has never done in my whole life, it just made me feel worse because the note just explained how I am not living my life and how my mother is upset because she just wants me to be happy, there were other things in the note but I forgot, my memory is bad, plus I only read it once and a bit as it just made me feel a lot worse despite not supposing to, it was more of a description of everything that's happening with me and how my mother just wants me to be happy and how I should be more postive.

 

Yes @Candy. Me2. I should have set limits and prioritize myself and my health. Instead I thought I was invulnerable and I gradually burned out. Tinnitus will always remind me of that mistake. Period.

 

Sorry to hear about this @meeb. Hopefuly you can find a job in a quieter environment. What was the job if you don't mind me asking?

 

Meeb,
I know a few people whom have been turned down by disability benefit as got assessed by people whom don't understand tinnitus and how mentally challaging it is hard going and effects people in lots of ways.
Stress,depression, anxiety, memory,concentration, sleep and more and need to be assessed by ear specialists.
I have tried for my sever asthma,Menieres and sever breathing problems and under the hospital sever asthma unit.
I get nothing and pay for all my meds it's shocking....
Keep pushing for support as tinnitus needs more publicity.
Hope Tinnitus Awareness week next year hits the world and opens everyones eyes just how bad it is.
Love glynis

 

Some people are not made to be able to cope with tinnitus. I was a weak, depressed and anxiety driven person BEFORE tinnitus. But this condition... this condition has completely broken me, and I can completely understand your feelings. Don't feel guilty for any actions you take.

 

Sounds like your parents are understanding which is great, maybe explain that it's not a matter of pulling yourself out of this, habituation takes time. Additionally this is a new reality so you have to adjust to it both physically and mentally...

If you've already struggled with anxiety etc people tend to think it's not the T it's you reaction, but when T is bad the most "stable" people struggle, we see it all the time here.

I know you want to protect their feelings, but (sounds harsh) you've got enough on your plate.

Like any other condition T affects everyone around us unfortunately so we all have to learn to live with it. My husband has taken a lot more on, and as much as everyone wants you to pull through and quickly so things can get back to normal it is not realistic.

This is why it is important we raise awareness of all the ramifications of this condition.

One day at a time, we're all here for each other and you have a supportive family behind you. That's what families are for, don't feel guilty. x

 

I was always a worrier, I also suffer with OCD, I am anxious when I go out too, I inittialy went through the usual phase with the onset of tinnitus years ago and it got better but over the yearsonly worse again and a bit more and a bit more and so on but I always habituated but since last year when I was working outside in windy weather for a few days and driving a lot (funnily enough, driving never bothered me in the past) so I put it down to the wisdom tooth extraction making my tinnitus so much more sensitive to everything including vibration, since aroudn about that time, my tinnitus has just got so bad, there is a low roaring in silence, always a high pitched hiss and the usual tinnitus that I had for years is louder also, it truly has messed my life up, I don't think that there is much hope, if Iwasn't working then it would be livable to some extent but what kind of life is that? to not be able to earn money to get a mortgage, perhaps a more reliable car.

P.S. @glynis Did you read about the Belgian Primeminister who unfortunately got tinnitus and deafness just recently? it's in the news and I think someone posted it on this forum.

 

You are not a failure. You have never been a failure. This idea is the product of an unhealthy society. When we are young, we are told how important is is to be a success in life. Yet you were born perfect. You were a perfect child. And you are perfect now. You are a success. See this.

 

@meeb,
Yes I read about the Belgian Primeminister and its such a shame for him.
Let's hope he gets the support he needs.
Love glynis

 

This does not seem right. Any employer would be out of their mind to do such a thing as it sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

 

Hi Meeb. I often wish there were a pair of headphones on the market that replicates the Tinnitus noise in ones ear(a) And ask who ever it is that is unsympathetic to the condition, to wear the headphone 24/7 for a week or two, to see how long they would last. It could never be as bad, because they have an option off switching the headphones off and would know they are to be worn for a finite period. I had a wife who would actively mock me, and my panic attacks resulting from Tinnitus. She would cup her ear and walk around the room mock moaning, and shouting "oh my ear, my ear " ( which I never said by the way) All I wants was a hug and told that everything was going to be alright. I was working and paying the bills, in fact work was a distraction for me. Needless to say she is my STBX, and we are going through divorce proceedings. Her mocking of my condition and other things led to anxiety symptoms in a big way, lots of panic attacks etc. I had constant anxiety disorder and nearly lost my job because of it. Don't expect people to understand Tinnitus unless they have it or have had it temporarily. It's like me as a male trying to understand labour pains, I can sympathise, but could never understand of a 9 month pregnancy and giving birth at the end of it. Only one woman in my life understood it and called me brace, and did not understand how I put up with it, she understood because she had it temporarily for six months. Don't feel bad, there are other sufferers around you that do understand. Well done for trying