Grief

Hearing loss and tinnitus/hyperacusis are not lethal. We do not die from noise or ear pain. Still, we do go through a grieving process as we learn to accept a new normal. We don't die but we grieve for the old life we have to leave behind.....The life without noise and pain, when we could play music or hang out in bars or actually hear people in restaurants, etc.
We go through the stages of grief, beginning with denial. We try different types of doctors because we think they must be wrong and surely, someone can fix this. We go through the anger. Why me? We go through bargaining and depression and finally reach acceptance. We accept our new normal, complete with noise and pain and unwelcome challenges and lifestyle changes.

 

Yeah definitely agree, I find my mind wondering over to the other side of my life (the past). I still find it very painful to think about, I get a sick feeling when I do. I try not to go there very often but I'm surrounded in my pre T life so this makes it tough. I can look at a wall that I painted in my home prior to T and I get extremely sad, it's a tough thing. I am however getting better at focusing on the present, I guess it takes time.

 

It's amazing to me how these observations can transcend tinnitus, or even ourselves and own own feelings... I was cleaning up earlier, and found a letter that one of my best friends wrote me in 1999. She died of sudden cancer in 2013.

There are lots of things I've left in the past, silence is just one of them.

 

Agreed. Plus, I am dealing with what people call 'grief' in the known sense of the word: my mother's death, dating 24 years ago.

And, I am pretty much completely isolated (except for the internet).

A really bad combination. I have never been so miserable. It's a complete spiritual, psychological, and physical s**thole I am into.

I am finding some comfort in philosophy. Stoicism, etc, whatever can help me. It's helping a lot. You realize that 'why me' really means it's just chance. Could have happened to anybody else, and it does. There's no special significance in anything. It's all chance and randomness. Someone was run over by a bus and died on the spot. Could have been any of us.

People try to give a special meaning to what happens to them and around them, but there isn't any. Any other number of things can happen to anybody. Instead of tinnitus, I could have got a terminal disease and die. Or I could have lived well enough for another 10 years. It's all a gamble. Understanding all this helped me more than hearing some fancy b*****t about how the Universe is a magical place created by Mr God who loves everybody.

Another big realization for me was the concept of Entropy. The measure of disorder in the Universe. Disorder is much more likely to happen than order.

This is just the way things are. By living a life, we agreed to all these policies. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better not to have been born at all. I don't know.

Doctors and psychologists ? These are the people whom I loathe the most. All the ones I saw are delusional, stupid, ignorant. Talking to walls has been more useful to me.

Best wishes to all.

 

I know what you mean. I too get lost in the past, but not all of it, mostly the happy times I have lived during childhood. I don't think about the past prior to T.
It's like I jumped ship. I know that it's unlikely I will ever see the previous one. I try to keep busy with stuff I still like, but the motivation is harder. I try to think how I can help somebody else. At least I might make someone else's life a bit less miserable.

Life has changed, in a big way. We feel surprised by such changes, but again, if you really look around, it's not so surprising. Change is everywhere, there has always been. Things can never stay the same forever. Change is a natural thing.

I was reading about Seneca who said that when you look around and you see people that seemingly are fine, chances are, it's only a delay.

Not that anybody wishes bad things for people. But it's really the nature of things. I definitely am not delusional anymore about anything. I think I see things for what they really are now. It hurts, because it's not what I believed it was, but there it is. The truth.

 

@wishingluck,
Welcome pm me if would like a chat off the forum.
Hope you are ok ...lots of love glynis

 

Hello dear Glynis, bless you, how are you doing? I hope you are doing ok. Lots of love to you too.

WL

 

Im fine thank you.
Like most a demon to fight but Im up for a challange as I know I will win...lots of love glynis

 

The same thing happens to me everyday. I think you're exactly right about focusing more on the present.

 

Unfortunately I'm still in the past.
Now with Holliday season I feel even worse.
Prior to this I would already have my bags packed ready to go on a family vacation, but all of that is now gone.
Stuck in one place, surviving each day as best as I can!
This is simply not me and I wonder what's there to look forward to?
I'll never stop grieving my old self!
Sorry for being negative, wish things were different!

 

Yeah it's amazing how we can be taken right back to that moment in time by one small thing, remember exactly how we felt, maybe the music that was playing, the type of weather outside, or even the scent in the air, it's almost like suddenly being transported to the past but still standing and being surrounded in the present. It feels like being stuck in between, I want to go back so badly and can feel it so strongly. Maybe this is my vivid imagination plus the ability to remember almost anything that I've done, even the small stuff. I used to enjoy this, I loved to reminisce prior to T, I would paint a picture in my mind, go back and relive moments in time at will. Now it's something that comes upon me too often, I actually hate it, I want to push the past away. I have considered moving to new surroundings entirely, I then won't get these triggers everytime that I look at my surroundings. I even find this with people that I know, I get these powerful flashbacks to a better time, it's very painful. Im not sure if this is common for someone that has had their lives changed so drastically or not? It's one of the things that I find a little tough at times, I need to focus on right now, deal with what I have, I can't keep going back.

 

Why don't you repaint every wall in your house...

 

Yeah that a good idea Dan. Or just sell it and get f//k outta here!

 

That's not a good idea coz when you're cured you don't want to go back and remember how you felt when you painted those walls

 

@Telis I identify strongly with what you say, and it's reassuring to read that the experience is so common here. When something triggers a very strong memory from my past, it's almost incomprehensible to me that I could ever have been that happy and carefree. Like you, I try to get out of there quickly, because it isn't doing my dealing-with-stuff-now any good. It's sad, but I'm hoping that with time I'll be able to stay there without getting too upset. For now, maybe the thing is to try to build some more memories that might be good to look back on, with the added bonus of being able to say "Wow, I did all that while coping with the trial of my life - am I totally NAILS or what?"

 

Anger is a big one, not just not just 'why me' when someone else caused your tinnitus.

 

That's is the part that kills me that it was caused by someone else. They get to go on living happy and healthy....while I'm left to suffer in the hell of forced isolation and fear of sounds.

 

I work with the person that caused mine. They are happy and doing fine, I have to cover for them when they take vacation to "go see shows" while I spend all of my leave because of this injury they caused me. And I'm suffering every day. It has affected my ability to work, I'm forced to work around loud noises (with protection at least). O' and I was threatened and told I was told I'm not allowed to talk about my symptoms or the incident that caused my injury by management. Since it's subjective and I have no detected hearing loss, it's not even an injury.

 

@Alue I'm sorry, that must be terrible for you. Apologies if people keep saying this and maybe you're already on it, but are you seeking legal advice if it was a workplace incident that caused your T? Your management sound like they need a good kick up the arse.

 

It's not right!!! The fact that injury happened there should be compensation for it. It hurts that it's not a symptom that cant be physically seen and it's just brushed off by others and the medical profession. I've missed so much work because of this and my focus is gone. I have physical pain in my ear. Yet the other person can still continue there life as normal. Im scared to go out in public now in fear my ears will become more damaged. I'm sick of hearing this constant torture.

 

@IreneO @Ears Hurt

That's not how it works in the USA. If your employer buys into worker's compensation insurance, the insurance company pays for treatment for the injury and you cannot sue. If the injury is something obvious that can be treated like a broken bone it works well, if it is something subjective and chronic like pain or tinnitus you are completely screwed. Good old USA, projecting cooperations at the expense of the people.

 

We are definitely over looked as suffering. People don't understand unless you are experiencing it.