How Many Friends Do You Have?

Now I wonder. How many FRIENDS do you have?

I mean real friends, who you can meet many times, to go on holiday and talk about personal problems?

I think I only have 3-4 friends. In the past I altercated with a lot of people...

 

One of my friends is more like a sister.
We have known eachother from the age of 3 so friends for 50 years.
Went nursery, infant school,high school together and in constant contact with eachother.
Been out for lunch and a few drinks today and we just bounce off eachother laughing ...
We can tell eachother everything and know we would be with eachother straight away if one of us needed eachother ,she is 4 weeks older than me.
The things we got up to growing up would make a good read.
We both lost both of our parents in the last few years and the bond we have is unbreakable.
love glynis

 

Back in high school and elementary I had 2-3 very close friends like what you describe. Ones I could talk to about anything.
When I got to university I wanted to redefine myself, and be the kind of person who has plenty of friends. I wanted to be "cool," you know? At first that didn't go well, but progressively I got better at being superficial and thus picked up many superficial friendships. Now I have over 30 people I could theoretically call my "friends."
But how many of them can I actually talk to one on one? Exactly zero. I made all of those friends through such light interactions, and so now all we really have are light connections.
Then the T happened and I totally alienated my whole new friend group. I stopped going out, but with groups like that nobody cares much because nobody is that close and the quantities of people that you have are so large that it's hard to even remember who they all are and who's there and who left.

So now I'm left with zero close friends since they all moved away, and pretty much zero light friends as well. It is NOT better than what I had before. Close friends are the long burn relationships. In hindsight, I wanted more friends because I wanted a girlfriend, and where I'm from the girls spat at the weird nerdy guys like me. The thing is, I'm always going to be that weird nerdy guy, whether I entertain 30+ people at a party, or if I hang out with my few close friends and have real conversations. The large university friend group didn't provide me anything worth mentioning, and didn't get me closer to my goal of having a girlfriend. In hindsight I wish I never concerned myself with that and kept trying to cultivate close friendships in university, instead of going for quantity.

My question for you is this: Were you actually close with all the people you used to consider friends? In my experience, Closeness and Many Friends are opposites.

 

I do not have any friends where I live. I have a few internet friendships that I hope my hyperacusis won't end up destroying.

 

I have 3 true friends, my childhood friend best pal partner in mischief my rock my happy my night and day truth bank as been dead 6 years more than he lived, 27 years on and i think of him every day, life is a gift and we all live in its present, enjoy what you have money does not make you rich those around you who enhance you are your wealth be happy be healthy be your own luck

 

I currently have 4 close friends in real life

 

No close friends.

2 "friends" but I am getting more alienated from them because of tinnitus and hyperacusis. In general I feel I have no friends. Haven't seen any of them in about 3 months.

 

3-4 sounds right. They're all people I've known since high school.

 

This is probably more like a chit chat message. I'm not a doctor, but I had about thirty friends when I was hospital employed. Twenty of them were doctors of all different types. Their specialties involve biology issues where many can go hand in hand with tinnitus. The ones that ready understood tinnitus was a radiologist and clinical pharmacist. Both read this board and they have said that there are some associations among us all and it's all medical - nothing to with psychology other than tinnitus can be overwhelming.

The pharmacist has said that he sees many here using the wrong medications or not giving needed medications at all. He said the same with vitamins.

The radiologist said that he sees a strong pattern here of certain ailments with those having pulsating tinnitus. Neck and jaw as well. He sees carotid artery problems at a very high percentage here. He has said the medical research community needs to get off their butts and come here and collect information by non polling.

 

I have about 3 friends.

 

I had many friends on Tinnitus Talk - those who improved went on with their lives and want nothing to do with tinnitus sufferers... Those who got worse died and/or disappeared without a trace. Sad.

 

I have zero friends. I do not enjoy life enough, in order to share any good things in common with other people(Only bad things, really.)

 

You'd think the ones who improved would still have empathy for the ones left behind and would want to stick around to support. People suck man.

 

Locally, I'd say I have one not super close friend and a number of friendly acquaintances. We've only lived in this area for a few years, we are rural and remote and both work mostly from home with a small kid.

As far as "how many friends do I have, that are people I've known for years, who if I called at 4 AM and said 'I need you to paypal me $500, now, no questions asked emergency situation pay you back in a week' would just do it? Or talk me through a personal crisis at the same late hour?"

That's a list of exactly six people and I am grateful for each and every one of them.

It used to be a list of seven; fuck cancer. Don't take anything for granted. You think you have time. You might. You might not.

 

You know that they had committed suicide?

 

I don't know, but like I said some just disappeared.

 

I count myself lucky to have had friends before tinnitus who like to invest in relationships as much as I do. At least twelve people whom I always spoke on a regular basis, next to a big family around me who is always ready to help where ever they can.

Though my tinnitus resulted in some isolation, my friends have been very understanding and still invite me over for activities once in a while. They accept my reluctance when I feel bad and cannot come, yet don't stop occasionally initiating contact to check up on me. I guess it helps there are a few more people having minor tinnitus as well, they know what it can do to a person, especially in early phases.

I'm certain this has played a big role in my recovery so far.

 

Remember the full title of the movie Dr. Strangelove: "How I learned to stop worrying and love the Bomb."
The title of the movie of my life should be "Tinnitus: how I learned to gradually abandon normal social relations and of necessity embrace reclusiveness."
It was Harley who most accurately characterized this as some bizarre, Twilight-Zoneish Alternate Reality that hapless individuals are pulled into where the only alternative appears to be a personal Final Solution.
Also, Petej summed it up when he said he was "tired of faking happiness."
When I am in, for example, a crowded restaurant, it seems as if I am in a truly different Dimension; I am astounded that all these people surrounding me can so easily, unselfconciously take their capacity for undistorted hearing for granted.
Whenever anyone suggests that we go anywhere, all that occurs to me is that I have to calculate the gauntlet of tinnitus aggravation that I will have to run from exposure to whatever the proposed activity is.
This sort of friendless alienation is one of the worst aspects of this condition.

 

I have two best friends with whom I communicate frequently and was part of their wedding party, and I think we'll be friends till old age. But, they do not live in my city, plus they are married. I have another best friend who is about 20 years older than me whom I've known for the past 7 or so years. She is single and young at heart but is usually volunteering in her spare time. Surprisingly, this is the only friend I can talk about anything personal openly. I have about three more friends/roommates from college who were best friends at that time and a bit after but keep in touch a couple of times a year due to distance or because they now have a family; I think we could bond again given different circumstances.

I do need to make more friends, but hard to do so post 20s. Currently I do have a few friends, not best friend level except for the one who is 20 years older, where I live. But, I don't really have a friend whom I can call last minute to go to the movies or shopping. I know a couple of friends available, who are not really compatible, for such things but I would rather go alone.

 

You are so lucky to be able to say you have a big family. I just have my mom and dad whom are both amazing, but getting older.

I have good friends, those who I know would open up their homes if needed, help me out financially if ever needed, and are always willing to chat. But for some reason, I have been unable to discuss my depression and tinnitus in depth with them, so maybe we aren’t as close as I thought.

 

Zero Point Zero

 

Trust me, don't think like that. I've had the same feeling with friends who don't know what it is like to have tinnitus, but that has nothing to do with being close or not. For a healthy person, it is simply impossible to realize what it is like to be unable to "recover" to a normal state once in a while.

One of my friends encountered tinnitus long before I did. Or more accurately stated: the severity of tinnitus. I've actually had it once before due to earwax stuck in my ear, about five years ago. It was just one simple tone, but it really annoying and made it hard for me to sleep. After the wax was removed, the tone vanished and I was relieved: I recovered.

This was not the same for that friend who got tinnitus in the same period. His tone had nothing to do with his ears. No wax, no hearing loss, nothing like that... it just appeared without any reason. He tried many kinds of diagnosis, but nothing cleared it up, and there was no hope for him to get rid of it.

In his case, I was that friend that did not understand. My tinnitus was removed: surely his would have some valid cause? Did the ENT really check his ears correctly? Is it really not wax? I could only view the situation from my own experience: I've had wax issues, they caused tinnitus, wax removed, tinnitus removed. Simple. Surely his problem would be similar? Only in my new situation can I imagine the frustration this must have caused him. Such a dumb friend that has no clue what he is talking about when we're discussing my issues with tinnitus...

Though I had tinnitus for a few months, I did not know yet what it is like when tinnitus is a chronic problem. I could not understand the severity of a tinnitus caused depression.

My respect goes out to him now that I encounter the same problem. He never responded negatively to me. Sure, we lost track of each other a few years ago due to other circumstances (him getting married, me pursuing my career elsewhere), but he always remained polite and understanding of my ignorance. He understood that I could not understand.

This is my attitude now as well towards people who don't understand the vagueness and broadness of tinnitus. Don't blame them, it's not their fault: they just don't know better. Sadly, it's also one of the reasons I can't really take doctors seriously who don't have experience with tinnitus: they don't know better. "Just ignore it". Sure, it can be done, but you are not the one to teach me that...

Feel free to express your feelings towards your friends, also when those feelings concern your tinnitus. However, do not expect understanding. Once you do not expect it, you won't be disappointed by the responses, and it becomes much easier to just "be friends", like you always were. As time progresses (in my experience), tinnitus becomes much less of a topic with them anyway. To be fair, I think this is actually a good thing: it helps you as a person to have your focus elsewhere, and it helps you to retain your friendship.

During those moments when you really need understanding, find people in your environment who have/had tinnitus, or simply on this forum. Even if it's just online, it helps a lot.

 

I think I had only one true friend but a couple of years ago we stopped communicating. He really changed a lot after spending one year in jail. I tried to reanimate this old friendship but it didn't work out.