How to Comfort Fellow Sufferers

Discussion in 'Support' started by derpytia, Jan 9, 2016.

tinnitus forum
    1. derpytia
      Pooptoast

      derpytia Member

      Location:
      Rescue, California
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Hearing loss / ETD
      Hey all, I've noticed a trend on here and on a few other facebook or online support communities for tinnitus and it's a trend that kinda rubs me and other people the wrong way.

      When someone is clearly suffering and panicking, or their anxiety is ramped up due to their T, I've seen a growing number of people (no I won't name names) who will immediately start advocating for different drugs and supplements and this and that, which I'm sure are meant to be helpful and good-intentioned, but doesn't always help the person who needs help.

      A lot of of people have tried many different things and have moments of anxiety where what they truly need is to rant, be comforted, reassured, and talked to in a rational manner. We are all different and human beings here (unless one of you is secretly an android in which case to answer to your t problems is to turn a few gears lol ;) ) and having someone in you face like that and pushing like that is less than helpful; in fact, it's more frustrating than anything.

      With that said, how would you personally comfort someone in the midst of panic or suffering greatly because of a new sound or a spike? What are some of the methods you use? How would you help someone without pushing for anything (especially when they might have already tried it or don't want to try it for various reasons)?

      I'm interested to hear some answers. Might help me explain to others what to do when I have those bad moments.
       
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    2. PaulBe

      PaulBe Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Cairns
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Probably sound, though never proven
      Too many offers of too many supplements, potions, pills, procedures etc is actually confusing and far from helping, adds further to anxiety I find.
       
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    3. Atlantis

      Atlantis Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2014
      If onset is fresh, steroids, supplements, drugs, am-101 etc may help. It's better to eradicate the tinnitus before it becomes chronic and a life long "friend".

      Support and offers of treatment can be offered both.
       
    4. derpytia
      Pooptoast

      derpytia Member

      Location:
      Rescue, California
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Hearing loss / ETD
      And if it isn't? Some people still get panicky when they've had T for awhile, like myself. I'm not advocating that we just leave them alone and not suggest anything. But how can we do that without being pushy? When someone says no to something suggested or states that it hasn't worked, then what would you do to comfort them? That's the question being asked in this thread.
       
    5. dboy
      Jaded

      dboy Member Benefactor

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2007 & 8/2013
      It is a really important question. I'd say you just have to be gentle and non-dogmatic about it. Give people information without assuming that because something worked for you it automatically will for them. I think it is important to indicate why you think something might be helpful rather than expecting someone who doesn't have a clue who you are to take your word for it.

      I guess it depends on the situation - we know from reading other's accounts that there are some fairly common threads to our experiences, but then drugs, supplements, techniques, etc. do seem to affect us differently to some extent.

      When I was suffering with anxiety after my volume jumped a lot I didn't personally want comfort particularly. The only thing I was interested in was information that might help me increase the chance of the volume going down a bit. Everything else was a distraction that I didn't really have time for. But that was me and I absolutely know that not everyone responds this way.

      Be gentle; offer your thoughts and suggestions non-dogmatically; listen as carefully as you can to what the person is saying; try to relate to the experiences people describe but don't assume they are exactly like yours; don't think you know more than anybody else...?

      What do you think @derpytia? I like your question and I feel that you probably have more to say about it yourself?
       
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    6. Penate

      Penate Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      07/04/2015
      Hi everybody I just want to share a little story About my tinnitus looks like in this forum we get better advisor then doctors I'm gonna start 1982 my friend shut very close to my ear and I start feeling a little weasel in my right ear but never bothered me for 25 years was so low living very happy life . Last year in July something happen and somebody car engine blow and I was very close to my wasn't feeling anything at the moment but like three weeks later I must start filling the noise in my head is getting bigger and bigger wasn't so bad till I decide to drive to Miami is about hour and a half from my house and then I did with my window open looks like air pressure damage more my left ear when I get home and turn off the car I feel my left ear almost block and I Hughes weasel very strong like when some somebody kiss you in your ears it was the same feeling next day I wake up wasn't feeling nothing but two days later I will start feeling horrible power transformer song in all my head very low and too strong weasel different tone in my ears in his been six months already in never going down again I tried everything nothing work please can somebody explain they have the same experience what in the heck wrong with my ears i've been seeing thousands of doctors they all say the same is just Tinnitus but I know is something else wrong because sometime my left ear still doing the same thing a block and huge sound I'm still have the same power transformer in my head and myyears never is going down with somebody give me some advice I will be there thank you and and God bless everybody
       
    7. dboy
      Jaded

      dboy Member Benefactor

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2007 & 8/2013
      It might sometimes help to get people to open up more about their experiences. Telling someone what is going on in their heads can be therapeutic for folks but they might need encouragement to really go there. To some extent this might be something that works better in a private conversation (on or offline) as some amount of trust is probably needed and the internet can be an unpredictable place (as your question of course acknowledges).

      Just making a connection with somebody else is reassuring, so I guess we can try to give openings for this to happen. It can take an investment of time in co-responding with someone to do this and it also takes emotional effort/energy from both the person giving support and the one receiving it to do it in any depth. So maybe an internet forum is not a place where this works best, but it probably is valuable when it does happen. I've done support by telephone, but I find what worked in that setting very hard to translate to the internet - more about tone of voice, showing you've understood what somebody said... it is just a medium where subtle human cues expressing warmth and acceptance seem to be exchanged more naturally. But maybe that is me because I am used to using writing for other purposes that are more stiff and analytical. I definitely find it challenging to give support via the internet and don't feel confident doing it.
       
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    8. Michael2013
      Happy

      Michael2013 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      September 2013
      The worst part is none of those supplements, trials, and drugs are proven to work. If they were, this forum would be an entirely different place. And yet it is common to see it recommended so often by the very people who know it isn't going to work. I understand it in the case of someone who may be suicidal. In that case, everything possible should be done to calm them down--even if that means leading them on about drugs or supplements just to get them off the ledge.

      The only thing that does work consistently for 90%(?) of people is habituation. Unfortunately though, that word has such a negative connotation here. So if I were answering your question, I think the best thing that can be said are the positive stories that people have. Share your own success story if you are at that point. And if not, share any of the positive changes you personally have experienced even if you still have a long way to go. If I think of who on the forum does this best, I would say it's @billie48. He helped me several years ago, and I see he is still doing it very well for others today.

      -Mike
       
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    9. LadyDi
      Busy

      LadyDi Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Florida, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Barotrauma/airplane
      When someone is posting for the first time here at TT, it can be hard to tell if they are looking for concrete advice or just need to talk. I personally don't fault anyone for trying to help. But when it's clear that a poster needs to rant (and who doesn't sometimes?), I usually just add a hug click to the list or say, "Let it out here and hang in there."

      Not sure what to say beyond that? But open to suggestions. What else would helpful?
       
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