I Can't Take It Any Longer. Almost a Year of This, I See No Point to Living Anymore.

Discussion in 'Support' started by jdjd09, Oct 27, 2016.

tinnitus forum
    1. jdjd09

      jdjd09 Member

      So, I am 28 and had most everything going for me. I had a decent financial job, was going for a Computer Science degree, and while life wasn't perfect it was "bearable".

      However, in December 2015 I randomly lost some hearing in both ears, but mainly in the left ear. I told my parents who just told me to ignore it and it will go away on its own. Well, I waited and it didn't. I told them again and complained like crazy, but they were more worried about me ruining there Christmas than helping.

      I went to a doctor about 1-2 weeks after the incident and they acted like nothing could be done (not true, I should have been given prednisone). Then I joined that stupid drug trial for AM-101 and asked that doctor if anything could be done and they lied and said nothing (again, prednisone was an option. I know they lied because when I found out about prednisone a month later, they acted like they offered it to me before the trial started).

      Anyways, now I am stuck with high frequency hearing loss in the left ear (and some in the right, but not really). I hear in the left ear at 40db at 8khz, 30db at 6khz and 4khz, and everything else is 20db or above.

      The left ear rings over pretty much every noise but the shower. The right ear less ringing, but feel its getting worse over time and hear it now as much as the left.

      I can't see myself continuing like this anymore. This isn't new to me, I had tinnitus before it getting louder like this. Mild tinnitus was a literal NON issue for me. I didn't care about it. This is driving me nuts.

      Again, its been close to a year as well, so no its not something "new" to me.

      I literally can't see myself living like this any longer. I see zero hope in this life for me anymore. Why should I bother continuing in life like this? I literally see no more.

      PS: Strangely, yes, this situation turned me back to Christianity, so I have some hope of an afterlife. So, no, I don't believe this is it. But, I see no value in this current life like this with the hearing loss and torture 24/7.
       
    2. Jason C

      Jason C Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      29 May 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Burgler Alarm
      What was the cause of your original tinnitus??
       
    3. Sam Bridge

      Sam Bridge Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music/gigs probably
      So you have mild hearing loss? Many people have it much worse..
       
    4. jdjd09

      jdjd09 Member

      Loud headphones to drown out my loud neighbors so I could pass my course while essentially going 60+ hours a week with work and school and having no choice I felt at the time. But the cause doesn't matter at this point, the issue is that this is where I am at.

      I wouldn't call that mild hearing loss for someone in there 20s, and the ringing is overheard by everything...so I wouldn't call it mild tinnitus either (yes, I had what most had in the past and it was NOTHING, not a big deal). Who would you list as having it much worse? Do you have specific examples of people? Not arguing just curious.

      BTW, I don't want to have this thread sidetracked, I am still interested in a reason to be alive. I see no reason to continue living like this.
       
    5. Sam Bridge

      Sam Bridge Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music/gigs probably
      Up to 40 decibel is mild hearing loss regardless of age. I seem to recall that @glynis-harbron son has hearing loss of around 40db i beleive, can you confirm Glynis? If i recall correctly he gets along fine also. I myself am 27 and have 30 and 35 db dips at 3 and 4khz in my right ear(left is fine), I don't really notice the effect though? Maybe if i used headphones I would but I gave them up along time ago
       
    6. JasonP

      JasonP Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      6/2006
      I think quite a bit of this could be corrected by a hearing aid. I think it could reduce or get rid of the noticability of tinnitus. The Siemens Primax 7px is expensive but it goes up to 12khz and it has these built in masking sounds that you can set if you like them. If not those, check out another brand. Ask for a trial.
       
    7. DebInAustralia

      DebInAustralia Member Benefactor Team Research

      Location:
      Geelong, Victoria
      Tinnitus Since:
      30/12/13
      @jdjd09

      Im sorry to read about how lousy youre feeling right now. Despair is the pits.

      Youd be hard pressed to find someone here who hasnt experienced that feeling of intense despair and hopelessness that is immersing you right now.

      It wasnt too long ago that i experienced a little set back in my own habituation, and i too shared your sense of hope LESS ness.

      I am back on the path to habituation again, feeling confident and positive about moving forward even with the noise.

      Youre still only a year into your increase with t. Probably feels like an eternity, but you will get there. You will get your life back. I did. Many others have too. So read the positive stories on here. Stay away from doom and gloom.

      I get the sense from your earlier comments about your parents that you dont feel believed, validated, or supported. Am i right? Support is paramount. Ive been blessed with some wonderful t and non t friends, who have been instrumental in finding peace with my new sound of silence. Do you have friends you can offload to when you need to, and someone to hang out with and have some fun with?

      my cousin lost her hearing in one ear 6 years ago, presumably from a viral infection. From there, she ended up with lopsided hearing and loud t. She never mentioned it to me until i met my t nearly 3 years ago. She too was upset inititally when she discovered that pred could have been an option in the early days (she was misdiagnosed with vertigo). But, dwelling on this was counterproductive to her, so she decided to accept things as they were and move past it as best as she could. (Easier said than done, but not impossible)

      6 years later, she is living life to the full. Shes a busy grandmother, runs the family business, and i rarely hear her mention her t or hearing loss these days. She wears a hearing aide, and says she is largely unaware of her t unless she is run down, stressed, or talking/thinking about it. Have you considered trying this out?

      i have known people to respond to prednisolone long after t onset. Maybe just try it anyway?

      My t, like yours is intrusive, and can easily hear it over tv, outdoors, in the car with radio on etc. I think its more the high frequency that makes it difficult for ambient sounds to mask it. Last week, i was in a state like you. Really thought my t had increased in my other ear, and that i must have experienced another drop in my hearing. I threw loads of antioxidants at it, and spent all of my time obsessing about it (i have ocd).

      A reassuring audiogram, that showed no further drop, and some cbt has gotten me back on track. You will too.

      I am greatly inspired by the bts thread, and am ever so thankful for the video that Terry has made for us. Youve probably seen this, but do have another look. I think it could help you.

      your t, as it is now, is an issue because your brain is very focused on it. I
      That is why i think focusing away from the noise, and onto your emotions, is a very helpful thing to do.
      I know its hard. Ive faced several life altering illnesses, but mentally, t has been the most challenging initially.

      you are right. You cant keep going on as you are. Whatever youre doing right now is not working.

      so, what is the way forward for you?

      i can only share what has helped me.

      . Bts thread technique
      . Mindfulness cbt
      . Distraction
      . Support from the right people
      . Lots of rem sleep
      . Ketogenic diet/ intermittent fasting
      . Exercise
      . Do things that make you feel happy
      . Pray
      . Yoga

      I just want to say that there is definately a good life to be had even with severe t. You are surrounded by people from all over the world who understand your despair, and will support you through this. One day, you are going to wonder what all the fuss was all about.
       
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    8. jdjd09

      jdjd09 Member

      Thank you for taking the time to write out that thoughtful post, I am greatful you did that. A lot of my problem is the combination of the ringing and the T. If I just had the ringing and no hearing loss, I would probably be slightly annoyed, but I would get over it. It's the fact that I have hearing loss as well that makes this worse.

      Also, I honestly can't accept getting hearing aids at this age. I know that sounds vain, but its the truth. I already have to take daily medication for another health issue and can't take having another medical issue to worry about. Plus, I know people judge when dating on hearing aids at my age. I know that sounds stupid, but its what I have seen.
       
    9. NeoAnderson

      NeoAnderson Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      I'm going to tell you something pretty mind blowing. What are the 2 most important VISUAL technologies we have? The video camera and the light bulb. You know who created it? A man who went deaf at 14 years old, completely losing the hearing in 1 ear and only having 20% remaining in the other. His name? Thomas Edison. It is possible that if this event did not occur, the mathematical equation of events would have changed the course of his interest, setting society back DECADES. Isn't it funny, the person who had one of the greatest VISUAL impacts on society, was mainly because he lost his hearing? I'm pretty sure he would not have became obsessed with visual science inventions if his hearing wasn't impaired, he may have just been a musician.

      I am going to put a poster of him on my wall, every time I think my ears are ruining my life I will look at it with inspiration. I'm not sure if you are a creative person, but I'm working on a really exciting game project and It's possible I have been bestowed this anxiety from my problem as part of the mathematical design to motivate my progress on a much rapid level. Also, it might be good for people like us to visit terminal cancer patients in the hospital to really see what suffering is like, since we are so shielded we think anything except perfection is a death sentence. Dying people would KILL to have what we have instead. Also Stephen Colbert has been completely deaf in 1 ear since he was a kid. These people are my inspiration, and you should channel any potential you have towards becoming greater at it, we have been chosen for a reason. Channel the anxiety to success and execute the paradox.
       
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    10. DebInAustralia

      DebInAustralia Member Benefactor Team Research

      Location:
      Geelong, Victoria
      Tinnitus Since:
      30/12/13
      @jdjd09

      As you know, many of us here (including myself) have t and hearing loss. Many of us have/do wear hearing aides. (Myself included)

      Im not going to enter into a debate about why you wont wear hearing aides. Except to say, you may benefit from cbt. I feel you are carrying around with you some skewed thought patterns/beliefs that are adding to your suffering.

      Cannot or will not? Id be asking myself this question.

      Let me give you some perspective.

      I too suffer with multiple health conditions; one of them being potentially life threatening.

      I want to live and i want the best quality of life that is possible.

      So what do i do? I accept that there are some things id rather not do but choose to undertake for the sake of having a decent life, or a life even.

      for me, it comes down to one question. Live or die. Its that simple. I chose life, and do whatever i can to claw my way out of whatever crappy situation i find myself faced with. But thats just me...

      it doesnt sound stupid to avoid aides for fear of ostracism. IT IS STUPID, and anyone who is that judgemental isnt worth investing your time into anyway. If you want your life back, then you need to grab it by the throat and find ways to reinvent it. if you feel your hearing loss significantly impacts on your quality of life, then avoiding the very thing that could give you back your hearing acquity seems unreasonable.
       
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    11. Michael Leigh

      Michael Leigh Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Brighton, UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      April /1996
      • Agree Agree x 2
    12. MikeL1972

      MikeL1972 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      3/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Uknown
      Thanks to all who participated on this thread. Your words brought perspective! Be well!!
       
      • Like Like x 1
    13. DebInAustralia

      DebInAustralia Member Benefactor Team Research

      Location:
      Geelong, Victoria
      Tinnitus Since:
      30/12/13
      Thanks Michael
       
    14. jdjd09

      jdjd09 Member

      I'm the originator of the post, so hope that people can still keep responding to the post.

      Anyways everyone just thinking about some that was said. It's getting late here and considering things and will try to respond tomorrow. I hope for more i put though too of course.

      My main concern is with losing more hearing ;/. I switched my headphones to the other ear at work and turned the volume all the way down...but afraid that it's causing hearing loss in my other ear :/.
       
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    15. DebInAustralia

      DebInAustralia Member Benefactor Team Research

      Location:
      Geelong, Victoria
      Tinnitus Since:
      30/12/13
      Cbt will help you rationalise your fears.

      It is FEAR that is driving you atm.

      Address that, and the rest will follow x
       
      • Like Like x 1
    16. Ian Aldred

      Ian Aldred Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      I feel your pain, I e had this for four miserable years... :( I'm at the end of my role now. I've tried just about everything, I never thought I should've cared for my ears so much as a kid. I can never enjoy peace and quite the rest of my life.
       
    17. glynis-harbron
      Feminine

      glynis-harbron Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Awareness Team Research

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      Yes my son is doing fine and hearing loss about 40db and copes well without a hearing aid
      ......lots of love glynis
       
      • Like Like x 1
    18. MikeL1972

      MikeL1972 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      3/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Uknown
      I don't know if headphones are a good idea. Personally, I haven't used headphones since March 2016, when I first got tinnitus (due to noise trauma unrelated to music and beyond my control). The idea is to let your auditory system "cleanse and refresh".
       
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    19. Dan-in-MD

      Dan-in-MD Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      April 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      I had tinnitus before, but didn't realize it. It was only evident when I put in ear plugs. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me that the noise I heard was anything abnormal. Since May of this year, tinnitus crossed the threshold of being audible all the time, big time, and affects me continuously. At first I went through mourning and depression at having lost the gift of silence. I think you need to get to a point of acceptance (it's a life changing thing), and then start to pursue strategies to cope with, and ultimately ignore, your tinnitus symptoms.

      Since late August, early Sept, my GP put me on Cymbalta which really helped me focus (major productivity driver at work) and have a more positive outlook. The tinnitus is annoying, believe me. One thing I did do is get really into physical activity. I walk at least 12,000 to 15,000 steps per day, often at the end of my day. I work a couple blocks directly North of the Lincoln Memorial and I walk to the Van Ness or Tenleytown metro stations (subway) rather than take those closer to me. I listen to music and audio books on the way, or talk on the phone. On the weekend, I hike the Billy Goat Trail in Potomac MD and visit Great Falls. Getting out and moving (especially in a beautiful natural environment) is a natural antidepressant. I've been focusing on eating healthy and losing excess weight.

      I have Bose noise canceling over the ear headphones, but my trick is to keep them partly off my ear so I let in ambient noise to act as a masker. If a loud noise intrudes, I slide them over my ears to shield them, and pull them back off when it's past. I also have several iPhone apps that provide music blended with adjustable maskers, whether forms of white, pink, brown noise or natural sounds like rain, water, wind. I sleep with an iphone app (with the iphone on my night stand) that has a dozens of different natural sounds that completely eliminate the sound of my Tinnitus.
       
    20. Path Maker

      Path Maker Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic
      I have hearing test results similar to yours. Yes, I AM in my 50s so perhaps that's an expected hearing profile for my age. But the thing is, if I hadn't developed tinnitus, I would have NEVER had my hearing checked out. I hear everything I need to hear in my daily life, same as always, and never would have noticed or known a thing if I hadn't gotten audiograms as a result of investigating the tinnitus.

      jd, hang in there, again and again. Life goes on and yours will too. You will adjust and re-discover your own purpose. You should and you can and you will. It's worth it.
       
    21. Song interpreter
      Creative

      Song interpreter Member

      Location:
      Southern California
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Too much noise
      I agree! If someone can't accept you for who you are and any differences you may have, they will have other problems too...

      I work with the Deaf. (That's actually part of how I landed here.. See my introduction.) I now wear a hearing aid. No one has noticed yet! And I always have my hair up. I'm not hiding it! They can be so small these days! My family didn't even notice!

      It's better to hear what's going on, than asking for repeats. People get tired of repeating what they said. Also, the hearing aid has reduced my ringing a bit. I'm not done with exploring causes and possible treatments. I have an ENT appointment on Thursday with a doctor that looks like she understands tinnitus. We will see what happens.

      Don't give up!
       

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