I Miss Being Normal

I really really miss being able to do normal things like watching tv, or driving, or listening to the radio. I really miss being about to go out with friends or go to conventions or social gatherings. I really miss sleeping. I miss being able to be happy and authentically myself. And I only have myself to blame for getting T.

I know I'm gonna get a lot of people telling me that habituation is key and that I'll find a new normal. I did. I habituated once and I still wasn't back to normal. And as soon as I habituated, I went and did something 'normal' but stupid and gave myself more T. Again I only have myself to blame.

I just really miss my life. I'm in so much agony every day now and I just want it to stop. I'm not strong enough for this.

 

so your going to kill yourself because of your very first permanent spike? ...you will adjust again give it time.. i do believe a couple of ppl warned you about music it is damaging and to the people who have had t and never damaged further are very lucky music related..believe me music has given me 2 permanenet spikes in the past and i wasnt even in a club or concert it was the gym both times and my dumbass kept going....if iknew the info i know now believe me i would have quit my job which was loud and stopped going to the loud gym etc.. i would have made changes..now im paying the price with very bad severe T and H and ttts symptoms...

you do matter otherwise we wouldnt be here trying to help one another....some people are just upset because some got worse maybe doing the things you did and tried to advice you not to, but sometimes the person has to see for them selves to understand.

 

You people don't get it. It wasn't a choice. I'm on my last year of school. If I quit and didn't graduate it'd be a waste of money. I can't afford school anymore. And I can't get a job. My mom and I can't get food stamps and we both can't get a job. I went to the project and had my earplugs in and it wasn't my fault that someone decided to turn on the speaker without me knowing and start riffing. I'M ALREADY KICKING MYSELF FOR MY MISTAKE.

I came here looking for support because I need it. This is the support section and this is my last place to go because I have no one and nothing. Tinnitus Talk is my last resort. When I joined a year ago it was a place of support and kind words and encouragement and I can vent when I needed to.

Now it just seems to be a place where people rant and rave about false potential cures and point fingers apparently. You guys were supposed to be my support online and make me feel less alone. That's why I came here cause that is what it was before.

Now apparently, this place has become just one more spot I can't go to and therefore I now have absolutely no one.

Yes I want to die. Do not belittle me for it, I'm already at rock bottom.

 

derpytia-you do matter!! Ok you have a permanent spike, been there done that and got through it. You can too.

PLEASE seek professional help immediately if you are sincere in your ideation, as you sound very desperate and in deep despair.

At least try, ok?



What happened is not your fault, it's just really bad luck! I'm very sorry. Believe me when I say, what the hell does this all mean??!!! but maybe you can stick around and figure that out.

Try.

 

I get it and frankly it fing sucks!!!! But you're not alone in this. You do have support here. I don't belittle how you feel, you can be bitter, resentful, pissed, angry, all of it. .just keep posting about it and find a professional if you can to help you. It doesn't have to be so hard. I bet that it can get better for you..maybe not what you worked towards but maybe something else....who knows. ..right?!..

Don't lose all hope. Just don't.

 

I've been there. Not just 2 days ago I wanted to "end it". I've put a gun to my head a few times now since the onslaught of T, but I always think of my daughter.
The only thing that gets the "noise" out of my head is to just mask it.

I wish some F**CKING doctors would find a decent treatment OR CURE! But, until that day - we just have to do our best and hang on. It's a shitty ride I know.

I have a hearing aid... it's okay. But just listening to waterfalls, or white noise is the only help I get. But still, not really super relief. I've often just drank myself to sleep (not suggesting that - because it makes it worse the next day), but sometimes we get so desperate we don't care.
Thank God for the loud ass fireworks tonight! At least that's drowning out the T for a while!
HANG IN THERE! Who knows? A cure or decent treatment could be right around the corner.

 

EXACTLY what he said! ^

 

You don't want to die. You want to live, really fully completely live. You don't believe you can really live unless the f*ckin' noise stops. That's why you're so angry, so frustrated, so filled with despair. I get that! I was one month away from fulfilling my dream when the T hit, and I'm still crawling up from the abyss and trying to reach the dream any way I can, even though I know it won't be the same. I cherished my silence, lived for peace and quiet. What a betrayal.

When we feel down because the noise is unbearable, that's when we make all-or-nothing statements. Just keep holding on. You're young and your cells are constantly rejuvenating. Medical science is advancing faster than at any time in history.

These are your darkest days. You will survive, and you will have compassion for others when they are suffering and no one else seems to understand them. I also believe that your career in music is still possible. Keep envisioning where you want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. Write it down every morning, and write it down again every night. Have a little faith. You got better once, and you'll get better again.

 

I know you're in a tough situation but remember everything happens for a reason , it could be for the better , just continue with what you're doing , don't let you're feelings stop u , everything is on the mind , Be positive !

 

T happens for a reason ? you mean sth good can come out of it ? In suffering so much you wanna die ? gosh, you're one big optimist here.
@derpytia, hang on there girl..I truly feel for you. Started the day crying and pissed and fed up with all the shit happenning. Music is from now on our enemy, unless very quiet, but how old is your spike ? You had earplugs, it may simply subside ! you write about the end of the school year so it must be fresh. Life can truly suck and some people seem to have come to this world only to suffer, but we have to suffer until at least there's a cure and we can get back the big part of our life. We will never be normal? as well as many other people,very sick ones.

 

@derpytia
If you are in your last year of school, finish it - however tough it is.
Speak with your teachers about T. I am sure it is widely known under musicians.
Finish the school, even if the result won't be the best. Who cares.
Or you can take a break.

T can improve. I had many, many really bad days with multiple loud, high-pitched tones.
Now I have a few days where it is bearable. And I hope for AUT00063 and SF0034.
Killing yourself is no option. You cannot and will not do this to your mom.
I am in your shoes, oftentimes just ending it all seems the best solution.
But it isn't.

BTW, is your T that reactive or do you have H? Because my T does not react on noise.
And I am sure, if music is not that loud, they do not hurt your ears.
But every T is of course different.
Don't give up. It is a super-tough ride, but we are here for you.

Hugs.

 

@derpytia I can't really add anything that other people haven't said. I just want to say that I feel for you, you do matter and you CAN get back to a normal life.

Read my signature (Prof. Stephen Hawking quote) as it really rings true, for me at least.

Definitely seek professional medical help though, they will be able to help you

All the love in the world,

Alec

 

Well don't let the guilt get to you, that is the last thing you need. Try and think about moving forward, don't beat yourself up about the past as it doesn't matter now. Trust me i know about beating myself up, it serves zero purpose in your battle against T.

Wanting to die is fair enough, just a personal choice (no judgement) but before you off yourself, you may want to give it some time. Maybe you can't get back to normal but you can adjust to A new normal . Our bodies and mind can adjust to pretty much anything and find a new tolerance over time, it may take years. If you don't give it some time, a lot of time, you will never know. We all deserve to find this out, wait and see, even if we suffer in the meantime, it is your life, it's probably worth the time spent.

 

There is not much more I can add to this. I just wanted to say that I relate to most of the emotions and thoughts that you describe (including the darker ones). And I think many other people here do too. So the idea of 'normal' is perhaps misleading. You are part of a community of people who understand a lot (not everything) of what you are going through, and who want to be on your side while you get through this.

 

Dear Derpytia,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now,

Do not feel guilty, do not blame yourself for just living your life, it is not your fault.

You have habituated once, you can and will do it again, maybe it is a temporary spike, maybe it will subside after a while, maybe there will be a drug or treatment in a couple of years, just hang in there , you ARE strong and you can do it.

You are not alone in this battle, you have all our support and toughts.

Please take care and I hope you will find the joy in life that everyone needs.

 

D,

I'm exactly where you are everyday and know how real the thought of suicide is! I just want to turn the noise off, permanently. I want my peace and quiet back. I want "me" back and to be able to sit and think again. I want to enjoy my life, my family and friends, without all the complications and limitations of T, hanging over me, each second of everyday. I too, struggle like you do and have complete sympathy with you. I'm having the same thoughts you are, right now.

But think, is jumping to the other side guaranteed peace? What if you're literally, "jumping from the frying pan into the fire"! You have no control, once you jump. It might be worse on that side and it will be forever! You are forcing the hand of nature, by killing yourself, before your time. We just don't know what awaits us there? What we do know, is on this side, we have some control to ease our pain. Meds, theraphy, masking, etc.

So, think carefully about ending it and realize, it's a one way ticket.

You are in my prayers,

Sailboardman

 

You see @derpytia , there is a lot of people who have struggled with T like you, but with time and a strong will, they now enjoy their life again!

And life isn't always fair, that's something that we must ( sadly) accept : i'm still enjoying life, even if the hearing in my right ear is close to the normal hearing limit... I have around the same age of you, but i know a lot of people in the world has the same problem like me and they can enjoy their life like anybody.

I hav also a big spike of my T recently, but i don't carr because i have decided this is not this that will be important in my life.
You will get better, it will require effort from you, it will not be automatic. What you have is difficult but you are the only one who can change it.

 

I'm new here, but just wanted to send you a hug and say hang on in there.

You got used to it once so the chances are you will get used to it again, I'm no expert as I have had this 6 months and still struggle also I am old compared to you. Your body us young you will find the resources to cope and the chances are there will be some treatments in your lifetime, but by then you may have already habituated again or it may have gone into remission.

You don't want to die, you want to live that is why you are so hacked off with it, like many of us.

 

Why are you to blame for T? That's as illogical as saying a baby born with spinabifida or a person who has an eye disease and loses their sight is to blame for their disabilities! Of course you're not to blame. And who is normal anyway? I think you'll find that in this world everyone is struggling with something. I get annoyed sometimes at the way people treat me but they have no idea what Im living with every day and why should they. I don't announce it to the world or even to many friends. But then I'm often surprised by the things I discover other people I know well are struggling with, that I didn't know about. Everyone has limititatiins of some kind. You are grieving for what you've lost. The "normal" life you had before. That's ok. It's normal too. But once you grieve you start to build back up again - not to the same life you had but a new "normal" that hopefully you can accept, and that's not to say it won't ever improve some more to an even better "normal." Think of the person who lost their legs. They can grieve and move on, or they can grieve and never get over it and just give up. I'm sure you're not the giving up kind as you've already come this far. You just need a little vent now and then. And a bit of a vent might help too perhaps?

 

You do not have friends or family ( other than your mother) Derpytia? I can't believe they are not supporting you.

You need to face the situation and stop listening to the T, do activities that you enjoy ( even if it's not music), and maybe consider to be stronger and change your mind to be happy with a different way of life.

For exemple, i really listen less to music because i'm doing more sports, more other activities, but it doesn't bother me because i have changed. A little only but it's true.

Maybe you need to stop having regrets and thinking about the past and see what you can do in one day, two days in a week , for the year.... you're letting T have way too much place in your life.

Moreover, being "normal" means nothing! We are ALL abnormal. I was surprised to see how many people around me have health issues!

 

You need help young lady. Your depression is the main issue here, your tinnitus, and other things going on in your life at the moment can be better handled when your depression is sorted out; believe me I've been there I know what it is like and so do thousands of other t sufferers. Get your head sorted and I firmly believe you will be able to better handle your issues including your tinnitus. I hope you get better soon.

 

I see some well meant advice here, but I think derpytia told us what she needs already... support, kind words, encouragement and a chance to vent. Sounds like perfectly appropriate needs to me.

I felt terrible after my tinnitus got worse a couple of years ago. The sick feeling didn't leave my stomach for about two months. It did fade away though, very gradually. @derpytia, you say you are in your last year of college, and I'm guessing that is a hugely stressful time, even without what happened to you. It won't always feel so bad... I'm sure of this.

Look how many people wrote in your thread. They were touched by your words and wanted to send you theirs to help. We're all on your side. We aren't all great at support (I am definitely not). But when we read your words we all wanted to be.

 

We are all in this together and are blessed to at least live in a time where a cure is possible. I've had some rough days this week and am slowly climbing out of the abyss. Remember what does not kill us makes us stronger, and you will be stronger!

Thank you to this forum and all that contribute here!

 

Derpytia, this post is pretty much a duplicate of one I wrote shortly after joining this forum. Apologies to other readers for the repetition but it seemed to be once again relevant and may help to support others who are presently struggling but didn't see it first time around:

First of all, this is me writing several years ago:

"I certainly have profound suicidal ideations. Now my tinnitus fluctuates between being extremely loud and off the scale.It's just day after day of searing, squealing, hissing madness.Basically, I just don't understand what people are going on about when they use the word 'habituation'. How can one become less aware of sounds that are so loud, incessant, harsh and grating? CBT doesn't impress me either because it deals with cognitive distortions and not the primal emotions of fear,loathing and utter frustration/desperation that are so much a part of one's reaction to tinnitus.Sorry to sound so gloomy. But I see my situation as almost utterly bereft of hope."
"Much as I applaud the courage and tenacity of many of the contributors to this thread, there has to be a place here for people like myself who have struggled with very severe tinnitus for so long and simply do not wish to continue with that struggle any longer.We deserve the option of assisted suicide."

I think that I authored this post (in the old RNID forum when I had had tinnitus for about 18 months) and was getting nowhere.

To cut a long story short, several years further down the road, I have now habituated to a point where I find my tinnitus occasionally annoying and distracting. When it is at its peak, I can still sometimes go several hours without noticing it, even if I'm sitting in a relatively silent room.

You may draw whatever conclusions you like after reading this. Maybe you will think. 'Ah, this guy's tinnitus couldn't have been all that loud in the first place'. And that's fair enough. Tinnitus is a subjective experience that makes comparisons difficult. Plus, although my tinnitus is 'reactive' and fluctuates, I don't have accompanying ear pain or hyperacusis.

My policy with reactiveness is just to get on with what I am doing (within limits - I don't allow myself to be exposed to noise above 85db for very long) and to allow my tinnitus to do whatever it happens to be doing in response. I haven't experienced any reactive spikes that have been permanent as a result of doing so.

Anyway, I am saying is that I was in a very bad place for a very long time and yet I still got through it. The logic of habituation (that if you decouple the infernal racket from the profoundly aversive reaction it provokes it will slip below the level conscious awareness) has, in the long run, proved to be valid in my case. This may not be any kind of substitute for a cure. But it is way beyond stoic endurance. I'm not merely putting up with tinnitus, or 'coping' with it.

Along the way I also experienced a permanent increase in my tinnitus. It wasn't a permanent spike but a change brought about as a result of a medication I was taking (one that is perfectly safe for others with tinnitus to take - so I am refusing to name it, as my case is entirely idiosyncratic). For a good while, the process of habituation was derailed by this unfortunate development.

As far as getting to this point is concerned, I think CBT can be useful but found Mindfulness to be more 'holistic' and helpful.

With Mindfulness you actually allow yourself to experience both the sound(s) themselves and the profoundly aversive emotions that accompany tinnitus (anger, fear etc.) more fully but non-verbally. You tune into how these emotions manifest themselves in the body. And if you spin off into secondary reflection on those feelings ('This will never work', 'What's the point of doing this?', 'I still feel just as bad'), you gently bring the focus back to the raw experience.

This has to be done gently and slowly. Sometimes it may involve only briefly touching base with the emotional pain and/or the tinnitus if both are profoundly overwhelming.

The accompanying attitude is one of compassion: you embrace your present state no matter how lousy it is, rather as one might seek to comfort a suffering friend or child.

Bear in mind that I am no expert on Mindfulness. A fuller explanation of how this approach works can be found in Vidyamala Burch's Living Well With Pain and Illness: The Mindful Way to Free Yourself From Suffering.

John Kabat-Zinn's Full Catastrophe Living is another book which sets out a protocol.

Jennifer Gans (from Doctors' Corner) is far better placed to explain the Mindfulness approach more fully for anyone who is interested.

Lastly, though this may not be available outside the UK, there is a good discussion of MBCT which includes some insightful contributions from tinnitus patients at the 12 minute and 54 second point here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p007qdks#auto

 

Thanks for your posting.
It is always good to know that it sometimes can take several years to live a normal life again with T.

 

Hi,

I'm not going to judge you that's not what this site is about and don't listen to anyone judging you, there is such thing as mistakes and we best not judge others for them because everyone on here has made one too.
You need to remember that you are strong enough, because there is no way we were given life if we weren't strong enough for T. It has taught me so many things, okay It has taught all of us things, you need to see that. You cannot give in to it, because this is your life and you are not going to let T ruin you, as I am typing this right now my left ear is going off like crazy, most days my ears are uncomfortable, but I realised how minor that is, I realised that If something was going to bring me down, it would not be this, your not alone imagine all the people in the world with tinnitus and don't even know about it. The emotional courage to deal with this is something that everyone here has, and I won't let anyone tell me other wise, that is what makes us a bit remarkable is that we all have or will find the power in ourselves to continue to fight this together, It makes us UNIQUE it makes us STRONG and we have the power of having a different perspective, that makes us SPECIAL! We all want to be what we use to we all want to have our 'normal lives' but we need to always remember that we can have normal lives if we come to terms with it, I cannot believe that I am not really bothered by T constantly It use to kill me to think I would have to live like this for the rest of my life (I was 8 years old, I cried my self to sleep sometimes) and now I am strong, confident, intuitive, I believe that coping with T made me realise what I'm capable of, everyone on here should realise that good can come from this, but only if you cease that good and recognise it.

I know that this is hard to believe but it will get better and if it doesn't we will be here ready to support you fighting is always better than giving in You can do this

With hugs and support
-Georgia

 

How we all know how you feel I had a tough night last night some days I think my T is going to go away but it always seems to come back I guess we all have to learn to get through our days with T and H one day at a time. I know it is depressing but even though T and H are making our lives hard the thing to remember is we can all push on and refuse to let T stop us from living yes and enjoying our life its our choice not our tinnitus choice it is yours and my choice. Derpytia I don't know you but I feel you and I know each other better than anyone that does not have T and I truly care about you cause I know how you feel as you know how I feel .Empathy .Hang in there .I will be thinking of you . We only have each other nobody understands that does not have T or H . TIME give it TIME. Relax you are a good person .Go to school live your life. We need a meeting place once a year for all the people on this site. So we can all support each other in person also there could be educational support and medical support .A annual T meeting or T conference .

 

I, too, went through hell during my first few months of wicked T.
The only time I had been so depressed in my life was back in college in an abusive relationship. Been a long time gone since those dark days, but this time around I didn't forget to keep loving myself throughout all the struggle.

Treat yourself as kindly as you would a small animal in pain, because that's more or less what we are.