Trying to Do Better Than Yesterday

Never has the mind been as sharp as it is now. Every last detail, each action,every single thought. None of them have been ever embedded into the walls of my brain as deep as they are as of now.

It often makes me wonder if they will ever dissipate. I wish they would disappear into the unknown and never return. Why does the brain keep memories associated with negative emotions? They do us nothing but harm. They inhibit our ability to move forward.

Perhaps we are the ones who are insisting on these detrimental flashbacks to stay within us. We might be doing every single thing we shouldn't be doing. It is said that thoughts come and go but it is us who decide whether they will stick around or not.

Everything needs fuel to hold. If I could cease to fuel these feelings and thoughts there would be a better chance for them to leave me. Yet they still linger in me. I haven't been able to find a way to successfully terminate these wretched feelings of regret, guilt, shame, blame, despair and pain. They possess nothing but the power to bring you down. These are sad emotions.

I often wonder what would life be like if there was a way to erase these horrid memories. Even if my health isn't to improve, I'd have to be rid of these constant blasts from the past creeping up in my brain. Only then I could finally start moving forward on this journey of life. It wouldn't be the same as it was before but it would lessen the dreadful burden. I have to carry that burden every moment I live.

I cannot seem to forget about all the horrendous acts and unfortunate acts in the past committed either by myself or someone else. They say that the mind is everything. It is supposed to be omnipotent and capable of all you could ever imagine. Become the master of mind and thus be the master of life itself. If that is the truth I mustn't have tried hard enough to succeed on this difficult journey. I either get lost in the dark areas or in the past.

Yesterday never seemed as wondrous. The past is now a magical celestial land. It has never ever appeared as desirable. It now strangely seems that all the problems I thought myself to have during the previous times have literally vanished. Weren't they there in the first place?

I get lost in the events that have long passed. I walk slowly to my cupboard and open a drawer. I find my photo album once more. It rests calmly in my little wooden drawer. Covers somewhat worn off, occasional scratches and dim colours. The object is most dear to me.

I open and observe. All the memories right in front of my eyes. Almost as if they all lived once again. I look into my eyes. I see sparks and shiny tears of joy. Like I was there, in the good old memory. The longer I stare at myself I start to find my eyes becoming dull and melancholic. It is because with each passing moment I slowly return to reality from my lovely memory. A memory I cannot live.

One thing about rough experiences is that they put things into perspective. They make you re-evaluate life. They help you see things around you and inside of you more clearly. You are able to distinguish between meaningless troubles and true issues. You can now appreciate every precious little moment of joy much more sincerely than you used to. However, it is way harder to experience real joy having this terrible condition.

I remember promising myself I would never hurt or let anyone else hurt me. Promises were made but not kept. I let myself and others around me down. My mom always used to hold me in her protective hands and whisper she would keep me from all the possible harm to come. Storms would try to break in but we would conquer them. We would stand strong and carry on.

I try to hide my countless regrets and sorrows. They are lingering deep down in my heart and soul. I have become a physical manifestation of these awful feelings. The embodiment of gloom. I wish something could take away my pain.

This world seems so cruel. I feel lonely in my own very home. How can this be? Where did it all start? I know answers to these questions but I sadly don't know answers to questions to come. How do I proceed from here? What can I do to make myself better?

Dark times are upon me. Happiness is now an illusion, a delusion not attainable. Every time I feel a tiny fragment of happiness it disappears as swiftly as it came. Is this real or does joy still exist, even for me?

Happiness can be found even during the darkest times if one only knows how to turn on the light. There is a slight possibility that even after you've been robbed of everything there yet exists a possibility to make yourself feel better. Maybe it is lying right before us? We just have to find it. Before it is too late.

I want to get out of this deadly cycle and live the dreams that chose me. I am tired of regret. I have grown weary of self-hate and blame. I want to try and do better. Make a better today, a better tomorrow. What am I waiting for?

I cannot make a brand new start in life, nor can I undo the events that have occurred. I might have lost a few battles however the outcome of the war is not yet determined. I must be strong, ride on and carry on through the fire and flames because I can still make a brand new ending.

 

Youg have a lovely writing style and I think writing is going to be your emotional release .
Poems,Blogs, posts etc and talking therapy if needed.
Enjoy the rest of the Christmas Holliday and don't let emotions or tinnitus ruin these precious family times
.....lots of love glynis

 

Nathalie, that was a great piece of writing! Well done!

 

Thanks, just a little rant of mine

 

Forgive me Nathalie but I find you use TT as your personal facebook...lol. While you have a modicum of ability to write, I find your writing to lack depth mostly based upon inexperience which of course you can't help. Hopefully you have the gift of curiosity and you will pursuit higher education and if you have aptitude for math and science, perhaps go to medical school and even work on a cure for tinnitus. I won't take the time to dissect much of what you wrote which we could discuss but rather I will pick one tangible question you ask to answer since no doubt you are on a path to self discovery, enlightenment and hopefully acceptance at some level which will even improve your health.

You wrote:
Never has the mind been as sharp as it is now. Every last detail, each action,every single thought. None of them have been ever embedded into the walls of my brain as deep as they are as of now.

It often makes me wonder if they will ever dissipate. I wish they would disappear into the unknown and never return. Why does the brain keep memories associated with negative emotions? They do us nothing but harm. They inhibit our ability to move forward.

My response:
I hope you meant your mind Nathalie...there are a lot of brilliant minds out there although they may seem hard to find sometimes. Your hyper focus is due to your anxiety level which reading many of your reflections, seems to be at the core of your reaction to tinnitus and your self loathing. Most of us are responsible for our tinnitus Nathalie unknowingly as growing up none of us came with an owner's manual. People who trip and fall down a flight of stairs who have to live in a wheelchair have it much worse. They fucked up too. Perspective. So do people that get in car accidents and either kill passengers and sometimes family members or maim or disfigure themselves.
A perfect person has yet to have been created.

So why does anxiety bring hyper focus and why can't you dismiss memories that are indelibly etched due to heightened anxiety? Its pretty elementary if you have taken even basic psychology classes. Anxiety is mired in the flight or fight response which is mechanism of self preservation honed from hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. This state of heightened awareness not only increases cognitive ability but reflexes and increases strength to survive...like the mother who lifts an automobile off their child. Acute anxiety including PTSD which for example returning soldiers can't shake is rooted in survival when our senses are the most alert necessary to defend our being when an imminent threat is perceived. We perceive tinnitus to be such a threat early on. Then we learn that we will survive in spite of it as it becomes less of a threat, then an annoyance and then a crying baby we somehow tolerate. In fact, imprinting of memories is proportional to our emotional response and even theorized why we 'memorize' tinnitus. This mechanism also explains why we more easily remember those things we are passionate about and forget more rudimentary things. If you like ballet better than basket weaving you will likely remember more of the ballet class. If you take a poll on this forum you find that most of us contracted tinnitus during a time of stress. This is no coincidence but rather a common thread.

So, how do you break this chronic cycle of memories contributing to your lack of forgiveness and intolerance to tinnitus? By overlaying positive memories born from understanding. Positive reinforcement will bring forgiveness and in fact is a precept of often discussed CBT.

Good luck to you on your journey to self discovery we are all on. Because there is so little sense to life, if there is a goal worth experiencing, it is that of understanding ourselves and the world and most of all how to forgive ourselves for all the things we don't know or understand.

 

Marry me ?

Just kiddin', pardon me

You already know I appreciate your texts, so I try to cheer you up in return.

 

Beautiful writing. You can use writing to release your emotions. If you like writing for a living, then you probably can become another J.K.Rowling. Don't underestimate your potential.

As for the mind, when it becomes chaotic and negative, there are now talks of the concept of 'You Are Not Your Mind', that the mind is controlled by the ego and corrupted by the teachings of men and bad events in life. So they push the concept of 'Be a watcher of the Mind' and not identifying yourself with all the distorted or chaotic thoughts of the mind. Google 'you are not your mind' and you will see lots of sites and people promoting this concept, even some psychology sites such as Psychology Today. I learned this concept initially from Eckhart Tolle, the author of The Power of Now and have since learned some valuable lessons about our mind. That is why I think positivity is the way to go.

 

I like 'you are not your tinnitus' better. You are your mind...lol....Id, ego, superego and all.

 

Ohh I actually ordered this book a couple of weeks ago. Its at My post office right now waiting for me. Sounds promising