Will it ever be the same? An introduction.

Hi everyone, my name is Ali.


Keeping it true to my nature of love of writing I would like to engage this introduction with a simple outburst of emotions onto this digital ink that perhaps I may find a route out of these dark woods my mind lately have chosen to reside in. A fellow experienced traveler such as yourselves might have a clearer view and a more sober mind to what is yet to come, and can perhaps, as much as allowed, cushion my blows regarding this rather frightening and alarming condition I find myself facing today. If nothing else I wish to inspire your struggles and tears, so please hear to what I have to say, and keep patience.


Excuse the poetic language and perhaps at time the drunken expressionism, but lately whenever I find myself in deep emotional distress I can not but help find refuge in romanticizing my writing to perhaps foolishly find a purpose in the very same thoughts that keep me in shackles. Is this a defense mechanism that my mind partake in, to find a purpose where there is none? Then why is it defeating me?


A favorite quote of German philosopher Frederich Nietzsche rings this very sentiment “What really raises one's indignation against suffering is not suffering intrinsically, but the senselessness of suffering.”


Here I find myself today, twenty four years of age, with otherwise a healthy fit body and a sound mind yearning to take on the world. I would not ascribe these characteristics unique in anyway, nor do I feel a sense of accomplishment for having them, for health is as such, not adequately well celebrated enough for when one has it, but heartbreakingly yearned for when it signals its departure. So in this spirit I cry not over what has departed me, but I am joyful in what has decided to keep me company. Yet, I am sad. Why?


With sensitive ears, that I perhaps might refer to myself as Mr. Glass, and a ringing so intrusive that it makes the church clocks on a Sunday morning a cause for celebration, I now face what seems to be an insurmountable mountain, a ubiquitous sense of fright that is unexplainable to the outside world perhaps most importantly not even explainable to myself.


What is this ringing I hear, is this natural? Can one live with this?


In times like these one wished to draw wisdom from past heroes and heroins. To see their fright, their struggles, or perhaps a glimpse of their mountains in hope that they might dwarf ones own.

Yet, no hero of mine speaks of ringing in the ears, or ears of glass, only of flesh wounds and broken hearts, all which with the passage of time are mended and cared for. Or am I in times like these misinterpreting the very spirit of ancient tales and stories? That their struggle and fright, and eventuality their overcoming of such, is not mended through the power of surmounting illness itself, but by surmounting the very same feeling it produces in one. Am I to reach that height yet?


A frequent question is to be asked frequently. Will it ever be the same again?


To describe tinnitus in a poetical language takes the very poetry out of it. Do you understand me? What painter wishes to have his paintings cluttered with inspiration not his own? What dancer wishes to have her steps taken were no intent in taking those very steps were made? Artists and geniuses all rely on blank white slates to express their vision. Their expression of nothingness is in the same essence an expression of somethingness, they are inseparable entities in the creative mind, and therefore require separable but yet homogeneous spaces. Tinnitus, I feel, deprives me of that. The sunset, your beautiful lips, the touch of your skin. All these colorful images in the space of my mind are discolored now. Forever.

They tell me that I can still feel those very experiences. Perhaps true, perhaps not. However, at my mind's door each morning a question knocks feverishly like the very first day it came, and begs yet again:


Will it ever be the same?





Ali

 

They say you can't change a person. But they have never had tinnitus.

 

Hi Ali,

that was a beautiful and unique introduction.

I won't develop as well as you did, but on your last sentence, i'm now not far away from the 1st year anniversary of my tinnitus start and i have felt at regular times the tenderness of a girls lips, the softness of a cat's coat, the warmness of a sunday morning, the complexity of a Neil Young's song, etc

Try to contemplate on the feeling of letting go

 

Precisely how I feel.

The few people I have spoken to about tinnitus expressed their frustration not in the annoyance of it(which it can be), but rather in its unfathomable intrusiveness.


To borrow the words of Morpheus: “You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.”

 

Thanks James! This is exactly what I am intending to do, because what else is there?'

It's just that I feel like my will to creativity has diminished greatly. Is it perhaps just a ghost lingering on from the tramautic first weeks? I hope so. Onwards and upwards as the saying goes. Where to? Only time can tell really.

 

welcome! and like Erik said,it could always be worse. I think of the annoyance this can be, then I think of how much MORE debilitating it would be to have vision problems or be outright blind, or to be missing one or multiple limbs,or to have cancer and worry about actually surviving, or having one of the really debilitating conditions/diseases like MS or Lou Gehrig's. and I suddenly can't feel sorry for myself anymore.

when I went to Disney 2 years ago with my son,I met...well,not really met,but ran into this family - husband,wife,daughter - where the father had been over in Iraq. he was missing both legs, his wife said he was blind in one eye, and he had permanent hearing loss partly in one ear and completely in the other ear from an IED blast. and he had a smile on his face the whole time he was there and looked like he was having the time of his life. at the time I was dealing with another chronic condition,but it definitely puts things in perspective. HOW in the HELL can I not live my life when "all" I have to deal with is some ringing in my ear,when he was living his life the best he could with all that had happened to him?

 

No, your life will never be the same. It can be better, that is for sure. But it will never be the same.

sp

 

I don't see how it could ever be better? I'm devastated!!

 

You are devastated because you are viewing your life through the prism of your tinnitus. At some point in time you will start viewing your tinnitus through the prism of your life.

sp

 

I hope you're right, as i can't see how i'm going to live with this affliction! it's not just the T, it's the whole life changes ... Dentist, food, drink, medication, noise it's everything!!!

 

Hi Carol. Don't let t consume you're thoughts every minute of the day. Think of it as an annoyance that with time will fade into the background of everyday noises. Keep you're spirit up and happy thoughts. Cheers

 

Thank you Stelly ...

 

Carol
I've had severe and invasive T for a year now and I remember my first months; I felt like you do right now. I felt like the task in front of me was on the order of drinking the ocean (and I wasn't thirsty and I hate salt water).

I agree with Dr. Nagler, you are looking at the world through your tinnitus (it owns you right now); these are horrible, dark days we have all experienced. I've heard some on this site refer to it as 'the PIT'; I'm inclined to agree. I can still remember what I was going through and how much I hated it (I so didn't want to be there).

Take heart, it gets better! Even if your T does not go away (mine hasn't/won't), YOU get better. Mine is screaming at me right now and to be honest -- I just don't care (in a good way); the affect it has on me is next to nothing except maybe a chuckle. If anyone told me I would be in this position a year ago I would have told them to 'bugger-off, you obviously don't know what I'm going through!'

Now, I can honestly say I'm a better person than I was last year (more down to earth, relaxed, respectful, grateful, engaging, self-ambition replaced by compassion). But it was hard getting here -- hang on and hang in, it's worth it.

Prayers!

Mark

 

Thank you Mark, i'm struggling so bad right now, i can't see any future for me, and i am truly grateful for your response to me.

 

Ali,

In between the lines of “digital ink” are some simply put and powerful questions. Will my life ever be the same? Can I live with this? What should I expect? Can I find meaning in my suffering? How do I locate myself?

It is very difficult to find meaning in suffering while we are overwhelmed, but perhaps you will be able to find a great deal of meaning when you no longer feel as sad, frightened and distressed as you do now. Each experience carries within it the potential for meaning and purpose, even the experiences that may bring us to our knees.

Many of us have to come out the other side of a difficult time to be able to locate ourselves and find something meaningful in what we have been through. This is as true for people who have been through a difficult time with tinnitus as it is for the broken-hearted, wounded heroes you alluded to in your post. Just as you regard these people very highly, and have drawn wisdom from them, perhaps you will find new heroes here.

I appreciated your saying that perhaps your past heroes didn’t surmount “illness itself”, but may have surmounted the “feeling it produces in one.” I feel tinnitus can be viewed in similar terms. While it may not be possible, or at least very likely, to rid oneself of tinnitus, it is entirely possible to rid oneself of the feelings tinnitus can produce in us. Over time, many do.

Doing so is a process, and as you make your way through the process, you may slowly begin to realize that the sense of dislocation and deprivation that feels like such a permanent part of you at this time is nothing more (and nothing less) than the “feeling [tinnitus] produces in one”, a feeling that is very difficult while it lasts, but ultimately as impermanent as a sunset, a touch, or a remembered taste.

here2help

 

Beautiful introduction Ali.

 

I had to join the forum just to write down how this particular thread made me feel better in an instant.
I got Tinnitus two weeks ago (after a party), it seems as it's reducing, but I'm having the worst days of my life. I'm not sure will it totally fade away, but I'm trying to think about the future.
Right now, this is the first time I imagine the future and actually see myself alive & okay (yes, I'm having lost of negative thoughts these days).
Thank you Ali and everyone commenting here. I'll be spending more time on the TT forum